The Great Divide

It's Five Twenty-Eight in the evening and I'm sitting on my bedroom floor pondering. Now usually my pondering has distinct places it travels and usual paths it goes, but today, I'm scatterbrained. Fully. Deeply. I don't know why or where it comes from, it just comes. I had a Merchandising meeting today. It went really well. I am slowly integrating into the daily life of an IBO and it feels wonderful. I'm going out to enjoy a Caesar salad and a martini with my sister tonight. We've seen each other so much lately. It's very fulfilling. I can't ever get enough of her. She's the biggest blessing ever. Too bad we didn't get birthed into the same family. Oh wait, yes, yes we did. We're sisters in Christ. That's cool to the maximum. Anyways. There's this worship leader named Ian McIntosh. Watch out, he's the next legend. I really hope so at least.

See, I'm just a big ramble today. No rhyme to my reason, no reason to my rhyme. I'm just pent-up, doing the time. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be back to myself later this week.

Where fear and faith collide...

I've now been settled into my twenty-first year on earth for six days now. It's not at all like I was expecting. It's dangerously curved like a highway along the cliffs of a deep valley. You trust your instincts to get you through the twists and turns, but ultimately there's a little part of you that knows that your ability to control your actions only goes so far. That's where fear and faith intercede harmoniously. Say you find yourself losing grip a little bit. Not total loss of control by any means, just enough to where you're dancing on that white line just before the guardrail. Your fear, your faith take you by the hands and you correct the mistake. You might have to pull over afterwards to get back into a calm mindset. You may over-correct yourself and as you look up you see the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. At that point your fear and your faith have become absolutely fatal. You were looking at a bad fall, but now you're going sixty miles per hour and looking at a semi-truck going seventy-five miles per hour directly at you. There's a brilliant flash of light that graces your vision, there's just a few more seconds for you to make your decision. Do you fly off that cliff in an attempt to avoid a head-on collision to ultimately die? Do you brace yourself for an impact that if it doesn't kill you, leaves you paralyzed in your fear for life? Or...

Do you let God take the wheel from your hands and let that powerful mix of fear and faith lead your path? In all seriousness, this is where everyone needs to place themselves. The only way to have real peace upon an issue is to let fear lead you and to let faith guide you. Your fear of the Lord translates into devotion of heart, soul, body, and mind. Your faith of the Lord translates into trust. Trust and devotion, while very similar by first glance actually have slightly different connotations when a deeper look at them is taken. Trust is to fully place your emotions and your reactions at their base levels into the hands of another. In this particular case those hands are the nail scarred hands of Jesus Christ. Devotion however is the daily pursuit of pleasing and honoring a person in your life through prayer, discipline, and obedience. Also, the person we're talking about here is Jesus Christ. Separated, fear and faith are quite powerful in their own rights, yet when they're paired together, it creates a brilliant reality in which we should all live in. Through the fear and the faith comes grace, mercy, justice, and righteousness. Where one appears, they eventually all appear. Especially if you seek the others. I sought mercy, and I found grace along the way. I prayed for righteousness and caught the tails of justice.

So, that leaves us with a few final questions. Do your fear and faith collide? How do they collide? Do they even see each other? Could they comprehend each other if they met?

Fly

Flying. It's such a basic principle. It's where something takes flight. Whether it be a piece of sand in the wind at the beach or a dream releasing itself from the mind that it created it.

I love and embrace every aspect of flight. I particularly like to fly in planes, and I like to dream dreams so big that others would think they be fully unattainable. It's a wonderful thing to be able to dream. I know that there's people within this realm who don't believe in dreaming. Those people, I think of all types of people within this earth are the ones I want to fight for the most. Because once you break a dreamer from their bondage, you see a whole new perspective shift.

The bible gives us permission to dream. After all, the very things we desire, the very things we dream, with proper prayer and extreme obedience to His authority come to pass. He wants the best for us, he wants us to leave a mark on the society we encounter.

Find your cause. Find your dream. Leave His effect. Leave His love in your wake.

Trust in the name of the Lord our God

Trust in the name of the Lord our God.

I know it's hard, I know the road seems unending, I know the road has so many potholes and curves. But we must stay faithful in our step. We must believe in His plan for us. Because that plan, whatever it is friend, is the perfect plan. After all, it's written by the Author and the Perfecter. So not only is He writing it, He's also insuring its perfection. How awesome does it get?

So, your friends left you, but His love endures forever over you.

The test that you now face, that you've been facing, that you will overcome will only benefit you when the dust settles and the storm clouds melt back into the heavens.

I love you friend. I love you brother. I am so proud of you for the steps you've been taking lately. I am nothing but excited to see the next steps you take.

Well that was unnecessary...

I don't even know how to write about it.

I humbly ask God to come over us both in this time so that we not go to sleep angry.

Joe: Two syllables for you, you ready for them?

Fay-Tall. Together that creates the word fatal. You know the concept right?

Fading into Color, Fading into the Rainbow of You

Fading into color, past the world of gray
Fading into the rainbow, chasing the darkness away
Dancing among the hues
Painting with the reds, violets and the blues.

Captured in sunsets, washed away by darkness
Renewed by pure sunrises, brilliance and richness, abound.

Raindrops splash, fading the world to black and white
Clouds clear, sky a fresh sparkling new blue

A child's eyes, innocent and brown
Look upon his mother, a pure love found

Dew on the roses red
Awakened from unjust dead

Passionate tango dancers, the swirl in colors orange and gold
Dips, twists, he holds her, vowing never to let go.

The sinking melody line, paints the sadness inside
A change of key a change of heart
The color replaces the darkness, now fallen apart.

Beauty unchanging, color resounds.
Rhythm pulsating, chords resonate.

Fading into color, deceiving the world of gray
I'm fading into color, casting all of my fears away.

Cover the Earth.

As I gaze out the window I can't help but to see two things. The first being immediate beauty, the second being intense corruption. It's a wicked weird contradiction, but it's there. It's a real life battle between Heaven and hell. It's the realness of night upon even the brightest of days.

Life's been nothing short of amazing lately. Yet I know if I take a step out of my front door I'm attacked by images, tastes, smells, sounds of things unclean, impure, unholy. It tests me, it trials me, it challenges me to be a better Christ-follower. It reminds me that without my Savior that I'm a wilted rose, lying trampled on the ground.

I don't believe that the world has realized that without their Savior's love they live in corruption. I believe that the world has actually finally started to see that the world is not healthy anymore. There are healthy parts of the world, don't get me wrong. It's just that the healthy parts are being overthrown by the viruses and the diseases of corruption.

That said, I don't believe I'm a healthy part of the world right now. In fact, I'd challenge anyone to call me healthy in the Spirit of God. My soul is burning for the fire it once had. My heart is aching, dare I say striving, yearning for the love I once knew. That raw, sensual, passionate love. It's there, I feel it. I know it to be real.

Sunday was a perfect day. I can't get over it. It affirmed, reaffirmed, and confirmed all my wondering of God lately. He is real. He is present. He is in pain for this broken world. He will return. He will judge. It may happen in my lifetime. The cards are beginning to line up, the path beginning to be cleared.

I'm listening to Brian Littrell's song "In Christ Alone" right now and these words come to me extremely poignant...

"In every victory, let it be said, my source of strength, my source of hope is Christ alone."

I must remember this as I cover the earth with His love. It's not for my admission into heaven. It's my submission to the Grace that took the nails for me. Seeking Glory in humbleness will ultimately show Love beyond measure.

Tonight, I pray for this earth. That we truly awaken.

A True Taste...

As I'm sitting here. A glorious morning. The horizon is a crystal clear blue. The sun is shining brightly. The trees are slightly rustling with the light crisp breeze. Tasting the first little flirtations of summer is such a wonderful occasion. Summer is full of love, light, barbecues, friends, family, relaxing, and adventure. Summer is late nights, late mornings, cups of coffee on the deck, and getting that perfect tan.

Today, summer has made its first appearance from behind the coolness of winter. It's a little slow in coming this year, but if this morning alone is judgment of the type of summer we'll have, I take back all my complaining I'd done a couple of weeks back.

Today is May 16th, 2008. It's a glorious day. Where I talk to Saviour of my soul and rejoice over the majestic painting all around me. The sun rays beating down on the top of my head. The showers of light going into my core, refreshing this slightly tired soul.

Life is wonderful here in this moment of taste testing.

Denver. 24 hours of pure bliss.

So, at approximately 4:00 AM yesterday, I got up from the comfort of my bed and wrestled around with my packed bag. I groggily and excitedly flew into my sanctuary. My sanctuary is also known as the driver's seat of my car. I sped off into the pre-dawn day in hopes of seeing Seattle-Tacoma International Airport in the immediate horizon. I know the drive is about forty-five minutes in reality, but I was as awake as I could be and ready for the day as soon as I turned the car on. I made my way into check-in at exactly 5:34 AM. My plane was scheduled to depart to Denver International Airport at exactly 6:25 AM. I got my traditional drink at Starbucks, sat down with my iPod and streamed Foolish Things into my ears while pounding through a few chapters of Proverbs. There are these beautiful big windows in the newly remodeled main terminal at Sea-Tac. I was watching the horizon change from that velvety blue just before sunrise into the full colors of morning. They announced that the plane was boarding and I just about screamed in jubilation. The time was just around the corner. The bittersweet beautiful night I had no idea was coming. We took off, exactly at 6:34. I was officially on the journey...

The plane ride there was pretty uneventful in truth. There wasn't very many people on Flight 3338. The flight attendants were hilarious and particularly jovial for the hour in which the clock read. I dozed in and out, mostly out. There's something about flying, that just goes into my core and refreshes me, brings out this side of me I forget exists. I stared into the vast expanse of rolling clouds out the window and counted the minutes until I was to land at Denver International Airport. Then the announcement came over the intercom. "Passengers and Flight Attendants, this is your captain speaking, at this time, if you are moving about the cabin we ask you to please return to your seat so we can prepare for our descent." I came out of whatever sleep state I was in and was in that moment fully awake. About twenty minutes later the sound that I've become so familiar with finally came through the haze of excitement in my ears and set my feet and mind to restless. That sound was the sound, and the brief moment where two very opposite things collide. The runway and the tires on the Boeing 737 I was on. That little thud is enough to give me as much energy as four straight espresso shots. We had landed. At exactly 10:23 AM we rolled up to our gate. I was in Denver, nestled a mile-high in Colorado. I was anxious at this point. As much as I love the adrenaline and risk and joy I get from flying, there's nothing that will ever come close to replacing the night that I'm about to encounter...

I step off of the plane and immediately my skin revolts. Denver, as I quickly found out has considerably less humidity than Seattle. My hands within the few hours I was there were flaking. It's not attractive I know, but it's something I noticed pretty immediately. Anyways, back to my journey. I made the journey to find my bag at baggage claim. Now, mind you, airports are pretty standard, but the way Denver's is set up is slightly interesting. There's lots of little corners and places for people who aren't familiar to get lost in. It was fun exploring it though. I had my bag by 11:00 AM. I journeyed out to the taxi line. I wanted someone. No, I craved for someone to drive me around just so I could see things. This driver did a wonderful job. Since I couldn't check into my hotel until 3:00 PM, I had the time, and I had the currency, so I tallied up a one-hundred dollar cab fee. I got to my hotel at 2:52 PM and got checked in and into my hotel. I proceeded to call for my ride at 5:00. Then, I got my Bible out and proceeded to read some more of the Proverbs. Somewhere between chapter 12 and 13, I dozed a little bit. Just a little. Enough to put me back into that familiar haze that I felt at 4:00 AM that morning. At this point, I should have been flat-out tired, but really, I was just getting excited. I put my concert outfit on and proceeded to go and wait for my ride in the lobby. Promptly at 5:00 PM he arrived, and this is where, this is where the real story begins...

The sun was just beginning to make the colors on the horizon turn into the bright yellows that precede beautiful sunsets. I wouldn't see this sunset, because at the time I just arrived at the Gothic Theater in Englewood. I found my place in line, and waited for the rest of my people to arrive. At this point, I didn't know that two of them wouldn't make it until the show was over due to airport complications. Then, out of either pure assertiveness or happenstance I looked up, and I saw him. There was this figure, this beautiful five-foot-eight, side-swept brunette in a plaid shirt and the Converse I bought him. He had made it. Just in time for show time. The doors opened pretty much at 5:30 like they predicted that they would. The Gothic Theater is much like the Seattle's Showbox Theater. Except the levels were more stacked upon each other and the floor area was a touch smaller. It was extremely comfortable and extremely intimate...

This boy and I found our little corner of the floor and got rid of our stuff for the evening. We talked, we laughed, we hugged like we had forgotten how to let go. We anxiously watched the clock roll by and then the opening act came out. Argyle Street. His music was excellent, nothing short of excellent really. His stage presence, well, you could tell he wasn't used to it. I'm sure with more time on stage though, he'll come into his own. That aside, his music, it was amazing. The perfect set up to a divine two hours...

Then, it happened, the lights dimmed and the party began. It was the first time I'd ever seen them take the stage, and after that night, will be the last time. They are beautiful on record. Absolutely. Yet, live, there's the presence of God. For the boy I was with and I it wasn't so much a show. It was a movement towards forgiveness of each other. It was a motion to Him to heal us. It was a divine moment of prayer. I was in an experience at the moment of first chord played that was the most perfect moment I could have asked for. I was upset that this boy I was with needed to catch his return flight home and left me stranded at the venue. Needless to say there was a brief moment in time when I thought I was just going to have to find a new life in Denver. I gave it to God and trusted Him in it. I enjoyed the rest of the show in solo. During the song "Fly" is when the reality of this moment really hit me. God was washing over me like a tide upon the sand. Constant, calculated. I have no words how awesome it was to be able to see them live. No one will ever have that experience that I did. The concert ended and I was fortunate to meet three of the members. I was beyond impressed with their humility and kindness. Offering me a ride, when the boy I was with skipped out on me at the last minute. I didn't take it...

I got into a taxi at just around 9:45 PM and exhaustion had set in by this point pretty decently. I knew I was tired, but I was buzzed. Absolutely buzzed on God. I got back to my hotel room and was immediately surprised by the blessing standing outside the door. It was that boy, and his brother, and his brothers wife. They had cider and treats and I opened the door. This boy grabbed my arm and led me away and back down outside into the starry night. He said things I'd been dying for him to say, I said things I was dying to say. Then he took away something and replaced it with something even more amazing. Then we kissed. We kissed hard. We kissed long. We reminisced and then we made our way back up to my room. It was perfect.

Back in the room we plugged in my computer and continued the Foolish Things listening party with our cider. We caught up, we laughed, we loved, just like distance hadn't come between us. In that moment we were all whole...

They left at around 4:00 AM on what had then become today. Well, in fifteen minutes it will be tomorrow. Anyways, I then padded my way back to my bed, crawled in and fell deep asleep, for all of two and a half hours. My way back home had a set time, 12:15 PM and I needed a shower before I got on the plane. So, I got into the shower and relaxed just enough to get tired all over again. At this point, I was, I believe honestly running on pure adrenalin. I went down to the little breakfast area and proceeded to pour myself some straight coffee. I paired that with a cinnamon roll and more reading in Proverbs. I checked out and made my way into the blue shuttle that will take me back to the airport. I get checked in at around 9:30 AM for my 12:15 PM flight. I had some time to really reflect on the ministry that Foolish Things has really provided me, through His blessing...

Foolish Things, a five member band, made up of five hardcore Jesus followers. Each one uniquely different and markedly awe-inspiring. There's Isaac. Walks deep in faith, and has stories I wish I knew. His voice live is even more pure than I could describe. It's a voice that was specifically made for me to hear God through. I heard Him loud and clear during their show. There's Mark, I get the vibe he's the super outgoing guy of the group. He wears a wonderful smile and walks in a certain humility that people strive for years to obtain. There's Shaul, the rhythm of the band, he carries it all with this infectious smile. It was captivating. He's got skill on the set too. He really keeps it solid by him being solid. It's clear he has a good time on stage. Then, there's this wicked cool guy named Nate. Rocker on the inside and rocker on the outside. His bass playing was super wonderful and super tight. I wish I could have shaken his hand. Finally, but not in any depreciation, there's James. As far as music goes I connect with him most because of his use of both vocals and keys. His key style is unique and inventive and for years now it has helped keep me musically driven. He's inspirational to me. I'm so glad I shook his hand. So glad I got to touch the fingers that inspire me in the moments when I feel like giving up my gift. These boys, over the past four years, have driven me through their music. They've been able to speak to me like no one else can, or has even come close to. I can not wait to hear how their side projects/ministries unveil new talents and new directions for the kingdom. Together, in a band, they definitely impacted, but now that they're scattered, the possibilities are unique, and amazing. Their next chapter should be a wonderful and exciting time for them and I wish them nothing but the very best. They deserve it. This concert was a beautiful celebration of their ministry and a wonderful conclusion.

The announcement I've been partially dreading finally comes. Flight 2084, scheduled for arrival at Seattle Tacoma International Airport at 2:15 is boarding. I say that I was dreading it, because I know on the other end, reality is there, and for the last twenty-four hours I had been living in this beautifully orchestrated moment by God for His glory and for my affirmation of His powerful existence. I get on the plane, and I wish I had looked back, though I had nothing to look back for, I wish I had, so I had just that last little breath of memory. I got settled into my seat and watched as the plane was guided onto the runway. At precisely 12:23 PM we were in the air. Destination, my home on earth. I got my Bible out and finished the Proverbs. Then, I got excited for sleep. I was tired. Well, I had been tired for quite sometime, it just finally sank into reality. I thought of nothing but my bed...

At 2:17 PM I had deplaned and made my way to get my bag. I had my bag by 2:30 PM, and I was parking paid for and in my car by 2:45. While I had every intention of blazing a trail straight to my bed, which I'm currently writing to you from, I made a foolish, yet rewarding experience. I sent a mass text saying I was home and had called into work saying I wasn't able to make it, therefore freeing up a few hours. That said, I didn't necessarily expect a response, yet no joke, thirty seconds after I sent it Andrew calls saying he'd love to meet. I awakened just enough to make it passable that I wasn't tired. I pulled into the Rose Hill Starbucks at roughly 3:15 PM. Had a lovely hour long conversation with him and was about to fall asleep on him. I think, just maybe, I was a good enough actress that he didn't see it though. But I was running on a solid three to four hours of sleep total for a forty-eight hour period. I'm not complaining, that's just what it was. I got in the car and rushed home. I got home and settled onto my favorite couch downstairs and watched my typical Monday shows. Why I did this I'll never know, but I did. Then my parents arrived home and I gave them their souvenirs and here we sit, 12:19 on May 13, 2008. Dare I say I'm having trouble falling asleep at this point.

In final, this trip, though it was short, it was perfect. Absolutely and entirely perfect. From the alarm ringing in the morning on Sunday, until this moment that I'm typing. Nothing could have gone more according to the dream I had in my head. I'm so glad God blessed me with this experience. It is a highlight of my entire life. A pinnacle moment in which I will look back on and know that with no doubt Jesus Christ died for my sins and that God created me for a purpose. I am so blessed.

Grasping my God Complex

So, yesterday, during the fifteen minutes of down-time I got, I sat down purposefully to see if I could grasp my God complex. As luck would have it, there's no way I can grasp it. Better yet? There's no way I could even try to. Even in fifteen minutes I counted dozens of ways my life would be very different from the way it is now. It's such a blessing to be part of such a wonderful family. It's such a sacrifice made by my Father in Heaven. His only son, sent to this corrupted earth, to die and rise again for my sin and the sins of others. Undeserved grace is all around me. All around me grace is abounding. I should be more thankful.

There's gotta be a way.

Clinging to my tears I'm in bed this night. I have no idea what's happening to my emotional realm, but things are clearly and most honestly not right. They're not bad. They're just not right. I'm upset over things I never would have been, I'm joyous over different things, I'm sad and happy minute by minute. I fear the old me is trying to creep back in and that really scares me. Not just that momentary fear like you're on a roller coaster and it ends. It's a fear that if realized could be very damaging to the relationships I've worked so hard to build and maintain. I don't like being this way. I don't like being jealous. I don't like being upset and the people I love the very most for something they probably didn't even intentionally do.

I'm going to call for an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I know I'm totally publicizing that, but I don't live ashamed that sometimes I need someone trained to help me sort through my emotions. I embrace the fact that there's someone on this earth who can actually get through to my core and evaluate what's really happening.

I just fear that I may have to re-enlist the help of medication. That's one of the most painful things I ever had to deal with. Realizing a medication helped me be happy. Unless you're depressed, you have no idea what it feels like.

Anyways, I need to go pray. It's decently late, and I've a decently early morning and a extraordinary long day ahead of me.

Just so you know, just know, this writing, it was totally transparent.

I will sing to, and worship the King.

Singing. Not a forgotten passion of mine, but definitely one that I don't take the proper time to focus on a develop. I've got a marginal amount of gifting in it and I feel like I could use it so much better than I am. I know that I keep bringing it up and I keep wanting to do something with it and I keep getting lazy with it, but it's not cool anymore. I'm frustrated with myself because of it. Absolutely and entirely frustrated. I gave something that I can offer the world and I'm just about purposefully neglecting it and I find nothing but sadness in myself because of that.

I got connected with a great person in my church and she's willing to give me hour long voice lessons for fifty dollars. The cool thing? She's sung with the best of them, toured with the best of them, and coached some of the best of them. The more amazing thing? She's in my church family. It's honestly... God given. I am absolutely and entirely blessed with this open door.

I've been thinking a lot more on a simple word. Opportunity. It's such a broad word with such a broad outlook. Opportunity can come in big flashes and little ripples. Opportunity can be dressed in an Armani suit or worn leather. Everyone is opportunity and everyone has opportunity. That said, we have the distinct choice to have and make good opportunity or bad opportunity. It's all about the perspective that one takes. I for one since starting this new business have learned to make sure that everything I do is a step in positivity. Nothing good comes out of being negative. Nothing. But the world can be at your fingertips if you're positive and just continue to believe. Without a doubt there comes a very steep learning curve to that, but as long as you're believing in what you're believing in positively, chances are it'll happen.

Also, with positivity, comes something new. Status. If you're happy and excited in life, people are now beginning to look at you for direction. There's so much negativity and unhappiness in life now that it's the new normal. If someone's happy all the time they begin to hear things like "something is different about you," or "look at her go." You become looked at.

Anyways, I'm about to head off to work. Stay positive. It looks good on you.

Troubles, troubles, troubles.

"Hey baby. You're nothing but trouble, trouble, trouble. Touch me, just one last time so I can feel how it was to feel special. Feel the coursing tides within my veins. Baby, you're nothing but trouble. I can't stop, can't stop falling in love with you. Hop in the car, let's go for a drive and make trouble of our own. All's I know is I love you, I need you, I hate you, I want you, I don't believe in you, but I believe in us. Hey baby, yeah you. Together we're trouble, but if we're not together we're nothing. I love you more than life."

It's all science baby.

Well, no, it's not really. I just wanted to use that as my entry's title. I've been saying it a lot lately, almost "catch-phrase" amount. Anyways, this evening's dinner turned out to be much more emotionally stressful than I had ever planned or desired.

Here's the layout. My dad wanted me explain to him the way that my new business works. That was fine, and then he starts asking all these negative questions that I have no idea how to answer and I get really frustrated and angry. I realized that having anger is pointless so I'm over that, but I'm not over the negativity that my dad has instilled inside of me.

I love what this business is all about. I love it. Absolutely. However, my dad brought a totally different and very real perspective. I know that he wants the best for me, I have no doubt about it.

On the other hand, I'm super excited for the product sampling tomorrow. Then the follow-up meeting with Andrew. I hope it re-energizes and gets me extremely excited again. Right now, I'm not so well.

I have no doubt this was Satan's work. No doubt. I also have no doubt that he's been successful in getting under my skin a little bit.

You can try to define me, yet I'll break the mold.

I'm absolutely in love with life. Well, more specifically, figuring out the little quirks that make a person's heart beat, or make a person's heart twinge in pain. I am continually becoming more and more aware of just how different each person is wired, and I'm learning more and more that no matter how "like me" someone seems on the surface, they're not anywhere near me. I am so unique. They are so unique. Guess who put the "You" in unique? God the Author of course. He is constantly starting and finishing chapters of all of our stories. He's also, and this is what's more amazing to me, finishing old stories and starting new stories simultaneously. There's just some things that I can't express. Figuring out Him is one of them. He isn't compromised.

Anyways, back to the stories of our lives. The beauty is unsurpassed in each of our lives. Through the struggles especially. After all, once a struggle is completed, a lesson of His grace has been learned and true gratitude can take place.

Remember this always. He put the You in Unique.

Is this where it all began?

"Is this where it all began
Our shallow grave within the sand
Didn't we see it before?
We were cursed walking through the door."

Someone told me this yesterday while we were talking about our past. Actually they sung this to me. It stung like a bee sting rubbed with lemon juice and salt, yet, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew they were right.

I just wish, so desperately wish, that I was over it. Over him. Over us. But the more I strive to move on, the more I can't, the more stuck I am.

Anyways, enough negativity, my new business venture is doing wonderfully. I've found a couple really little challenging quirks about it and that makes me that much more excited to get over those little obstacles. It's been wonderful.

My next move: Getting out there. Wish me luck.

Thought of the day: Let go of the question and just worship the Shepherd.

May Day

Here's to May!

The month of my birth. The month that I make leaps and bounds in my future. Or at least start the process.

I am blessed to be supported by a wonderful family and great friends and truly awesome business partners. I feel like I say that a lot, but then again, I feel like I don't say that enough. They're wonderful. They're great. They're truly awesome.

I sit here on this very early Thursday morning pondering the depths of Christ's love. The more I ponder it, the more confused it makes me. Do you ever stop to ponder Christ's love? If so, what kind of thoughts arise? What kind of emotions make themselves present? Where does God take you while you're thinking?

I think I made a critical mistake today. I'm not totally sure why I made this mistake, but I know it was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it. I did it anyways, and now my heart is racing a million miles an hour. If only I'd taped up that package three minutes after I opened it. If only I'd returned it the hour I said to myself I would.

There's certain things people in this world should try to avoid at all possible costs. It's different for everyone. For me, it's getting re-acquainted with anything that has been clearly determined to be the past.

Yet strangely, if I could have a "do-over" of what I did today, I still think I would have done it. There are just some things that I don't think I'm totally over.

It's been a very interesting month already and we're only an hour and a half in. I'm excited/ extremely nervous to see where this month takes me in my faith walk and in my life in general. I better say a prayer because something tells me that I am going to need it.

A total shift of perspective. Oh wait, not really.

I've finally settled in on a perspective that I needed to get settled in.

Love God. Love people. Serve the world.

Anyways, life has been superficially and internally good.

I have been deeply struggling in one area, but I am not ready to talk about it yet. It's kind of like a wound that has been re-opened and it's just filling me with these huge doubts and insecurities. Which is too bad, because honestly things have been going very well.

It's all about staying upbeat and positive. Negative is a pretty roadblock that I can't have happen this time around.

I witnessed a pretty cool thing the other day actually...

So, I was eating some good food and I was listening to the conversation a few tables down and was deeply interested in what this grandfather and granddaughter duo were doing.

So, this granddad had two granddaughters with him, and he had given one a full paper dollar. The other one naturally said "Grandpa, can I have one?!" That said, he frantically searched his wallet and gathered all the change he had. He covered the change and asked his adorable granddaughter "Would you like a paper dollar or take a handful of change that equals more than a dollar?" She begged and pleaded for paper dollar...

It just goes to show you just how appearance driven we are. If things don't look pretty we don't want it. That said, we need to look past the outer appearance into the valuable parts of people, and of experiences, and of things. The guest speaker at church last night said something really true that still resonates with me now. I'm not totally sure how it was laced into being, but it was something like...

Jesus' love sees the value in people, the value of people isn't measured by the amount of property they have...

It was amazing. I am so excited for my future. I am so excited to add value to the lives all around me.

Sitting here, patiently, I hear the still small voice...

Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:

As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.

Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.

Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.

I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.

I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.

I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.

Sing the song of angel choirs.

Today, I made a huge decision musically. I was on the phone with Andrew for a decent amount of time today and we got talking about music. Specifically vocals. My voice isn't near the quality or consistency that it used to be and it's really dragging me down, even emotionally. I need to get it back in shape, especially if I'm supposed to use this to further His kingdom. I know I'm supposed to use it, I know I won't get to unless I treat it like the gift that it is. So that leaves it up to me to meet God where He wants me to.

I also had some new lyrical words of beauty wrap themselves around me last night. You guessed it, I'm sharing them now. I was listening and currently am still listening to Roby Duke. He passed away the day after Christmas last year. I sat in several Christian Musician Summit Workshops with him, even talking to him after. He's inspiration.

--- "Empty"

I walk along the pathway of mediocre
Praying that it leads to more than just average
I can't tell You how long I've been waiting
To find the reason for being alive

Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Saying Your name, but playing this game as mine
Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Won't you come in?

Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your holy fire
Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your desire.

Fearfully, I tread in the waters of jealousy
Making myself the fool I tell them not to be
I can't tell You how long I've been waiting
To wash these feelings away in Your tide

Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Saying Your name, but playing this game as mine
Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Won't you come in?

Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your holy fire
Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your desire.

Oh God, I am begging
Oh God, I am screaming
Fill me, fill me, fill me with fire,
Fill me, fill me, fill my heart's desire

I need you Lord, I need You
I need you Lord, I need Your truth

----

What I find most interesting about the lyrics I've been writing lately is that I still am on these wonderful, marvelous highs. Yet, all I can seem to do is write out of a place of utter despair and hunger. Logically, you'd think I'd be writing Praise and Celebratory songs of Worship. Yet, all I can do is get humble, see the real me, and walk in that. I am such a sinner. We are all such sinners. The reality of our corruption is devastating.

The reality of my part of this corruption is devastating.

Good Gosh Almighty, I'm Going CORE...

Yes, you read it correctly. I am going CORE. I actually purchased an AudioBook. "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" by John C. Maxwell. Not only did I purchase it, I'm actually listening to it. Seriously. What's going on? Not only am I listening to the purchased AudioBook. I am listening to it, and quite frankly, it's transforming me.

In other news, the weather has been having it's fun little way with Washington lately. It's been sunny, it's been raining, it's been foggy, it's been cloudy, it's been clear, it's been SNOWING. Yes, snowing, in what can be called late April. It's been kind of entertaining, but kind of draining in the same breath of air. I would really like to see some decent weather sometime soon.

It's late as I write this. Granted, it's not as late as I have been seen writing. I just want to get some sleep before tomorrow's five-thirty AM wake up call. It comes very quickly.

I hope that God blesses you. I hope you sleep peacefully when you sleep and dream wonderfully when you dream.