Mystery Part V

I’m sitting here listening to a song that I so profoundly remember. Not because of its intricate beauty and cascading melody lines. Not because of the true depth of lyrics and carefully interwoven emotionally driven piano playing. I remember this song because of the moment I go back to, and the way God worked at my heart at that very moment...

We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...

The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...

“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”

This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...

God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...

Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.

This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.

Back at Square One

Yeah, we all know what it's like to be put back, no, forced back to square one. Quite honestly, and forgive my bluntness, it really sucks. I know that this is definitely not the most eloquently stated phrase but it's the real truth and it's not even deep under my skin or anything. Sick...

Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...

Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...

There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.

So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.

Is this where it all began?

"Is this where it all began
Our shallow grave within the sand
Didn't we see it before?
We were cursed walking through the door."

Someone told me this yesterday while we were talking about our past. Actually they sung this to me. It stung like a bee sting rubbed with lemon juice and salt, yet, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew they were right.

I just wish, so desperately wish, that I was over it. Over him. Over us. But the more I strive to move on, the more I can't, the more stuck I am.

Anyways, enough negativity, my new business venture is doing wonderfully. I've found a couple really little challenging quirks about it and that makes me that much more excited to get over those little obstacles. It's been wonderful.

My next move: Getting out there. Wish me luck.

Thought of the day: Let go of the question and just worship the Shepherd.

May Day

Here's to May!

The month of my birth. The month that I make leaps and bounds in my future. Or at least start the process.

I am blessed to be supported by a wonderful family and great friends and truly awesome business partners. I feel like I say that a lot, but then again, I feel like I don't say that enough. They're wonderful. They're great. They're truly awesome.

I sit here on this very early Thursday morning pondering the depths of Christ's love. The more I ponder it, the more confused it makes me. Do you ever stop to ponder Christ's love? If so, what kind of thoughts arise? What kind of emotions make themselves present? Where does God take you while you're thinking?

I think I made a critical mistake today. I'm not totally sure why I made this mistake, but I know it was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it. I did it anyways, and now my heart is racing a million miles an hour. If only I'd taped up that package three minutes after I opened it. If only I'd returned it the hour I said to myself I would.

There's certain things people in this world should try to avoid at all possible costs. It's different for everyone. For me, it's getting re-acquainted with anything that has been clearly determined to be the past.

Yet strangely, if I could have a "do-over" of what I did today, I still think I would have done it. There are just some things that I don't think I'm totally over.

It's been a very interesting month already and we're only an hour and a half in. I'm excited/ extremely nervous to see where this month takes me in my faith walk and in my life in general. I better say a prayer because something tells me that I am going to need it.

Sitting here, patiently, I hear the still small voice...

Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:

As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.

Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.

Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.

I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.

I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.

I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.