Creeping Along.

It's too late to fight, you've already been dragged down into the fire
Where desire outweighs discipline
Where corruption flies along emotional suicide
You can't just get up and hide...
Keep creeping along, you keep drowning in the fire
Hands are shaking, feet are hesitant,
You know what you've gotta do,
You've gotta move along...

Don't you get it you're gonna die
Because you're gonna get caught in a desert fire you can't put out
You're creeping along, trying to find out how you belong
Trying to fill cracks in that destroyed fortress deep within your heart...

No one's gonna force you to change, baby, that's all you.
Baby it's all you.
Embrace reality, you're sinking faster than titanic's journey into the icy darkness
Let's go...

Here's your lifeline... stop creeping around...
Here's you salvation... no, it's not that cross 'round your neck...

It's here, within your heart. Feel my hand in yours.
Slowly tracing a path to your heart, we land...
Open your palm against your chest,
Come on stop creeping around...
I place my hand on top of yours
We feel the beat of your heart, and it's crying for open heart surgery

It's intensely damaged, you know what you've done...
You got caught creeping around.
I was willing to move on but your heart couldn't do it...
Baby you say I'm still your star, but I know that isn't the truth
I see you still creeping around
The monkey on your back, the dirty little night club lies...
Don't take me for a fool baby, I'm not a sweet little girl

I've got my own secrets, my own lies, my deceptions, and my walls...
It's human tendency.

Only with you did they start to fall, then when I saw you with her,
My heart cried out, not again...
You told me you were sorry, and to come to your side in your time of need
I gave you my best, and I was treated like trash...
You're fighting the line between faith and frivolity
You're fighting the line between conscious and coma
You made me so happy I could've died,
Now I'm looking at an empty bed, and a sunken head

Stop creeping around, admit it, admit what you are...
Stop creeping around, just let it out, you're not doing well...
I'm gonna walk away now,
You've hurt me one last time.
I'm out, gotta hit the club, dance floor fever is in full effect
Gotta dance, gotta cry, gotta find the next guy to break my heart,
Because I'm having a good time, now that you're gone.

You're a sinking ship with dangerous cargo...
Gotta stop creeping around you fool...

While it was Raining...

While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, fears set aside.

I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...

---

Tonight, I was blessed with a sunset of a different kind. It had just finished storming, and through the clouds, just a thin layer of clouds separated me and a "perfect" sunset. Normally, I'd stare at awe of the color of this particular sunset, but this one captured me. It had a subtle meaning behind it that I'm glad I picked up on...

My storm isn't over. My trial isn't over. I'm just beginning. Now the real work begins. I have work to do. I have things to get done. Someone (a certain spiritual force, I'm lead to believe) doesn't want me to succeed. Yet, I will battle through. I will rise through the wind and create a bigger force than it can ever bring. I have the cross. I have my Jesus. I have my God. I have the spirit inside. I have the spirit of success. I believe in fighting for a dream and I believe that I'm finally tasting what a "test" feels like in this particular realm...

Anyways, back to the moral of this sunset, I found the meaning... No matter what is in the way of my Jesus. I can still see Him. Though Ge may not be as clear, or as present as I think He should be, He is definitely there, fighting for me, fighting for my success, fighting right beside me on my team. He plays offensive with me, He plays defense with me, He plays coach to me, He plays the Audience of One to cheer me on.

I know that there are so many clouds in my sky right now, but I know that this day's sunset has refreshed in my a new faith. A strong faith. A faith that sparks, sizzles, and is ready to set others on fire. Yes, normally I'd wait for the stubborn clouds to disappear, but I'm going to try something new. I'm going to fight through the clouds so I break the boundary of Earth and perhaps touch the very bottom of Heaven. At least get as close as I can.

---

While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, and embrace

I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...

Family

Today my mother and I had a rare hour to ourselves. I had the best time. We just had a quick lunch and a deep conversation, but that's why I love it. She challenges my faith in God but not because she doesn't believe, but because she believes differently. As I was sitting biting my way through my chicken wrap, she dropped a faith bomb on me today.

It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."

To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.

I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.

Defy Gravity

So, when you have something that seems so far out of grasp what do you do? You defy gravity of course!

"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...

No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.

What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...

This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...

The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.

I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!

Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.

Piano melodies take me deeper...

There's something about the way a piano sounds. Especially if it is just the piano and maybe the occasional drum pattern or synthesized effect over it. It haunts the souls deepest memories, brings forth new hope, creates new dreams, sells us a picture with nothing but our imaginations. It's awe-inspiring. It competes within my heart as the best genre of music out there. Partially because it still needs people who play with actual skill and actual passion and partially because it is raw. Raw emotionally, and raw effectually...

Today's sunset was something spectacular at my house. Due to the towering trees around my house I only see the portion of the sky that has been made clear by the cutting of the trees to make way for my house. I watched the sky turn beautiful, wonderful shades. Corals, yellows, golds, crimsons, pinks, and velvety blues. It never ever ceases to amaze me just how wonderful these painting from God are. I try to find new words to wrap around the beauty that I see, yet when I seek new words, I realized that my vocabulary is a bit more extensive than I could begin to search through. It's definitely a blessing. My strengths are rooted in language. I communicate well via all methods of communication. That is fine, I just like to know that I communicate well...

My love of language comes from my faith in my God and my Savior. I have spent so much time trying to listen to the little voices that they whisper for me and me alone to hear. I don't want to let them down. I want to be able to communicate what I have just come to know through the quiet echoes that cascade upon my soul. It's refreshing, it's inspiring, it's invigorating to know that these whispers and echoes are mine and mine alone to hear and interpret.

Back to my original line of thought, the piano. In many ways it is much like interpreting the small voices and the echoes all around. You can see the story form in your head. You can feel the emotion coursing through your veins. You can create your own choreography to what you hear. You can use the choreography that it came with. Ultimately, that decision is up to the ear that is receiving the melody...

What kind of melody would your heart really sing if it were to come to the altar at this very moment? What kind of melody do you want it to be? Do you want cascading crescendos and decrescendos laced intricately into the fabric of the song? Do you want it to whisper just above breath so that it may remain near to you? Do you want it to be loud and heavy so that it gets noticed? You make that choice, and you let that song come from your heart. Let it pour out like rain. Let it soak up into your soul and guide you. Let your mind receive it and begin to adapt to the way your heart really feels. Then, keep it, or release it. It's your choice, but know that your melody may be the one to change someone else deep within their core.

A Flash in the Pan

So, originally this entry had been very angry in direction, but I see the error of my way. Anger solves nothing. And in fact, the night worked out perfectly...

Yet, the question still remains...

Am I just a flash in the pan? Is there something more to this that just hasn't been unveiled?

There was a weird tension between us today. Maybe it was the glitter in his eyes or the fact that for the first time I stepped onto what would be deemed "his territory." Our energies seemed to flawlessly combine. Yet there was tension...

I'm no longer angry, in fact, I'm seeking. He is a brilliant person that I'm so grateful for and so blessed by. I pray God continues to bring us closer, so that we may count the stars, and see the world together.

I feel like God's got something mighty up His sleeve... There's a tangible mischievousness about His way lately.

Where fear and faith collide...

I've now been settled into my twenty-first year on earth for six days now. It's not at all like I was expecting. It's dangerously curved like a highway along the cliffs of a deep valley. You trust your instincts to get you through the twists and turns, but ultimately there's a little part of you that knows that your ability to control your actions only goes so far. That's where fear and faith intercede harmoniously. Say you find yourself losing grip a little bit. Not total loss of control by any means, just enough to where you're dancing on that white line just before the guardrail. Your fear, your faith take you by the hands and you correct the mistake. You might have to pull over afterwards to get back into a calm mindset. You may over-correct yourself and as you look up you see the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. At that point your fear and your faith have become absolutely fatal. You were looking at a bad fall, but now you're going sixty miles per hour and looking at a semi-truck going seventy-five miles per hour directly at you. There's a brilliant flash of light that graces your vision, there's just a few more seconds for you to make your decision. Do you fly off that cliff in an attempt to avoid a head-on collision to ultimately die? Do you brace yourself for an impact that if it doesn't kill you, leaves you paralyzed in your fear for life? Or...

Do you let God take the wheel from your hands and let that powerful mix of fear and faith lead your path? In all seriousness, this is where everyone needs to place themselves. The only way to have real peace upon an issue is to let fear lead you and to let faith guide you. Your fear of the Lord translates into devotion of heart, soul, body, and mind. Your faith of the Lord translates into trust. Trust and devotion, while very similar by first glance actually have slightly different connotations when a deeper look at them is taken. Trust is to fully place your emotions and your reactions at their base levels into the hands of another. In this particular case those hands are the nail scarred hands of Jesus Christ. Devotion however is the daily pursuit of pleasing and honoring a person in your life through prayer, discipline, and obedience. Also, the person we're talking about here is Jesus Christ. Separated, fear and faith are quite powerful in their own rights, yet when they're paired together, it creates a brilliant reality in which we should all live in. Through the fear and the faith comes grace, mercy, justice, and righteousness. Where one appears, they eventually all appear. Especially if you seek the others. I sought mercy, and I found grace along the way. I prayed for righteousness and caught the tails of justice.

So, that leaves us with a few final questions. Do your fear and faith collide? How do they collide? Do they even see each other? Could they comprehend each other if they met?

I will sing to, and worship the King.

Singing. Not a forgotten passion of mine, but definitely one that I don't take the proper time to focus on a develop. I've got a marginal amount of gifting in it and I feel like I could use it so much better than I am. I know that I keep bringing it up and I keep wanting to do something with it and I keep getting lazy with it, but it's not cool anymore. I'm frustrated with myself because of it. Absolutely and entirely frustrated. I gave something that I can offer the world and I'm just about purposefully neglecting it and I find nothing but sadness in myself because of that.

I got connected with a great person in my church and she's willing to give me hour long voice lessons for fifty dollars. The cool thing? She's sung with the best of them, toured with the best of them, and coached some of the best of them. The more amazing thing? She's in my church family. It's honestly... God given. I am absolutely and entirely blessed with this open door.

I've been thinking a lot more on a simple word. Opportunity. It's such a broad word with such a broad outlook. Opportunity can come in big flashes and little ripples. Opportunity can be dressed in an Armani suit or worn leather. Everyone is opportunity and everyone has opportunity. That said, we have the distinct choice to have and make good opportunity or bad opportunity. It's all about the perspective that one takes. I for one since starting this new business have learned to make sure that everything I do is a step in positivity. Nothing good comes out of being negative. Nothing. But the world can be at your fingertips if you're positive and just continue to believe. Without a doubt there comes a very steep learning curve to that, but as long as you're believing in what you're believing in positively, chances are it'll happen.

Also, with positivity, comes something new. Status. If you're happy and excited in life, people are now beginning to look at you for direction. There's so much negativity and unhappiness in life now that it's the new normal. If someone's happy all the time they begin to hear things like "something is different about you," or "look at her go." You become looked at.

Anyways, I'm about to head off to work. Stay positive. It looks good on you.

Sitting here, patiently, I hear the still small voice...

Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:

As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.

Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.

Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.

I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.

I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.

I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.

Somewhere between the sparks...

So lately I've been riding so many different kinds of highs. I'm on a mental high, a spiritual high, I've found a circle of loving friends, and there are countless other blessings that I've been given. I wonder one thing however. Am I too high? Am I foolish and not thinking things clearly? What's really going on? Is this Satan?

When I think like this though, it's clear that it's not. Yet, in honesty the question remains deeply unsettled within me. I'm not sure how or why, but it definitely does. I'm just enjoying a phase of life that I can't even comprehend. I'm enjoying stability. I'm enjoying feeling love on earth and from above together. I'm experiencing what they call acceptance. At the end of the day, isn't that what we are all struggling for?

Let's touch on that word for just a little bit. Acceptance. It literally translates into being loved and being responded to positively. It means to gain and not only retain the essential elements of friendship. Those essential elements being love, trust, loyalty, and the ability to relate fluidly with one another. Let me use my newest firm friendship to go deeper.

I met this guy at the Christian Musician Summit in November last year. Honestly, we haven't actually talked or even begun to relate to each other outside of those conference days until just last week. We had coffee, we found out how alike we really were and we began the steps of trust. I trust him now a lot more than I did last week, and now I understand that we mutually relate to each other. Love and loyalty are more attainable after a longer period of time. I need to pursue his friendship actively in order for him to pursue mine actively. It's not a one way road. As soon as it does become one way, it's time for the other person to jump ship. However, in the case that we both continue maintaining this blessing, then we acquire the loyalty, and the love. I hope at some point that we become that close. I see a lot of what I look for in him. Perhaps even in the future we'd be a great couple. There are no thoughts about that right now. I really am just enjoying his awesome friendship. He's also a potential business partner. Well he his a business partner, but I've not quite fully committed to the idea. That question will soon be settled however.

Anyways, back to acceptance. If you have it, you know it. If you want it, work for it. If you don't have it, cut the line or keep trying until you or the other person makes a decision. Once you have it though, try to keep things awesome between the sparks. Because with acceptance comes an automatic urge to get comfortable. Even in friendships there will be times that are much much hotter than others. Fight through it. If, after the fight, things still prove to be cold, evaluate where you stand with that person. Create a warm environment of openness. Let them express in earnest what they're feeling. Listen.

As I close, I just want to tell you that I have been eternally blessed beyond measure with a loving family, great friends, and awesome relationships. However, the relationships didn't happen overnight. They took work. Even with my best friend. It takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes love. My question now becomes. Do you have acceptance? Where? Do you yearn for more?

Answer those questions. Take your answers, wrap your soul around those questions, make certain your answers are your real answers and not just an angry or sad person deep within. Get over your past to embrace your future. It's a bright one. I promise.

Be open. Work. Maintain. Work. Be open. Listen. Work. Maintain. Be open. Listen.

Structure

As I'm sitting here in my usual Starbucks, I look up. For the first time I really look at the actual construction of the building. It's a very log-cabin feel, it's very warm aesthetically, and it's painted in colors that appeal to many comfort zones.

Today, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I know I'm stepping in faith. I know I'm loving through truth. But what am I looking for?

I had a great time with a great person last night. It was refreshing. You see, I'd met him at a Musician's Summit, and since then we've been concert buddies, not really talking much. Yesterday, we got that opportunity and it was such a blessing. He's sweet, he's funny, he's gorgeous, he's deeply involved in his faith, he's musically inclined, and he's just plain awesome. It was cool to finally get past the surface and into who he was. In return I am grateful I got to share parts of myself with him. I think it's a fair trade, no?

Anyways, back to structure. I believe that structure is a key part of life. I don't believe anyone can truly live a spontaneous lifestyle. That said there's definitely moments where being spontaneous is totally fine. Here, if that confuses things let's dig deeper.

Structure here is another word for boundaries, and it's just that, structure. When something has "structural integrity" that means that it's well built and that things are stable and secure. In my own heart I believe that people are truly happiest when there's a good base structure in their lifestyle. Take the celebrity way for example, there's no structure there, and just look at how lost they get. They don't have set rules, limitations, or anything vaguely like them. They are also proof-positive that failure is imminent without structure.

That said, there's always room to let the plans fall through once in a while and seek something more spontaneous. Because without that little bit of break in the routine, things get monotonous. They get dull. They get boring.

Yet, in the terms of a building, having the most strong, the most reliable, the most well designed structure is key. In teams, this is true. Having an extremely organized structure will give you the best success. Having no structure in a group setting will lead to failure because too many spontaneous moments happen and arguments and tension rises very quickly ultimately leading to the big implosion. Structure unlocks success, not prevents it.

I always sit here and wonder after I make a statement. Why does it arise? Why do I think the way I do? Then, in the midst of it all, I remember, I am designed to think like I do so that I can find the next piece of the structure that I'm building.