Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:
As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.
Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.
Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.
I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.
I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.
I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.
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