feel; for one more day

As I sit here, it's 1:23 in the morning. I have no idea why I'm up. I went out tonight, but didn't feel like I normally do when I go out. In fact, I came back home early. I could describe it as a good night, but there was something unequivocally uninteresting about it. Perhaps it's because I didn't drink. Perhaps it's because I didn't really socialize. All I know is that I didn't feel it, at all...

Which worries me.

I'm such a social butterfly that getting a chance to go out and see a ton of people who are more than willing to talk back at me truly excites me. However, this night was about reconnecting with close friends, and remembering how incredibly blessed that I am to have them. Later on on what is now today, one more of these blessings comes in from his home in Baton Rouge. And later on tonight we'll be celebrating our friendship by going a million and one places in my beautiful Seattle hometown. Yet, tonight, I just wasn't feeling like doing that whole bar scene. I was so annoyed with it that I did, I made everyone get up, and come home at about 11:30. Here, where we're all on our laptops, sipping wine, flipping through photo albums, reminiscing on the pure moments, laughing at the dramas, singing to the music that brings us together, now this, this where I want to forever be with these wonderful friends. This is what feels right. Every one else even agrees that coming home was a great idea. This is content. This is pure. This is love.

At 2:45 tomorrow, a piece of the puzzle comes in, to complete it just a little bit more. I can't wait. I am so blessed that I call for help and the troops arrive. I know I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, and on the flip side, it's amazing to know that they do the same.

I think it would be awesome to live within the same eight blocks as these people, but it's nice that we're kind of spread out. Honestly. It makes the time that we do get to share together that much more special. I learn not to take it for granted. I learn that it's something unique. I learn the value of relationships. I learn how to maintain good communication. It's a really great set-up if you ask me. Yes, it's heartbreaking every time someone gets on a plane to go back home. Yes, it hurts when they start to pack. That's when I wish for one more day. For one more day of this sweet perfection. One more day of crazy conversations, sunset chasing, sunrise chasing, spontaneous coffee runs, midnight walks, and general excitement. It is then that I remember that either I'll be going to see them in a few months, or they'll be back in a few months...

Speaking of sunrises, we've just committed to seeing whatever sunrise we get this morning, while sipping champagne and eating waffles. Yes, because we're quirky, and yes, because that's how we roll, and yes, because we're perfect.

Sanctuary

Sanctuary - a place of refuge from hardship or trial.

I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.

Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?

It's a long time coming...

I'm finally coming clean, can't you see boy, you're the only one for me. You've got everything that I want and more. You've got the world inside you I just want to explore. Take over me, I'm willing. Let me take you over, I'm feeling like you want it more...

We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...

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Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.

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I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.

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In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.

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I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.

Mystery Part II

Continuing on about the mystery of God I have landed on a point that some would call obvious. We are so deeply wired to be part of healthy and fulfilling relationships. That said, we're also deeply called to usher people closer to His kingdom. I can't even imagine myself not being in community, and I mourn for those who close themselves out intentionally. What the mystery to me is just how we connect, and how random these connections are. I take my three closest friends as examples. My best friend I met because I just had to tell someone that the music theory teacher was pretty good looking. My closest guy friend I met in an online fan community. My other really great guy friend, I met at a summit at my church. Three very different circumstances, but the relationships are all very vital to my success in life. These three beautifully constructed meetings have done so much for me. They encourage me, they lift me up, they provide for me, they laugh with and at me, they help me, and most of all, they continually help me to remember that God's love for me is real. Why? Because they selflessly represent Christ to me. I think the biggest thing that shows me this is that they all know my imperfections and they love me even more for them...

I deeply believe in the "divine appointment" theory. Yet, I don't understand just how we in our beings gather the courage to reach out. At the time when I met my best friend, I hadn't really any intentions of really branching out and getting to know her, or anyone in that class for that matter. Yet, something deep within me urged me forward to speak to her. My first impression was probably a little wacky, but I still did it. To this day I'm glad that my longing out played my fear. It was close, but it was totally worth it to have the five seconds of awkward laughter. Why? Because now, I've gained a lasting sister. The way I introduced myself to the guy I met at my church was telling him that he had really spectacular teeth. What did I get out of that? I got around five or ten minutes of awkward talking and it has forged the way for what is now one of my most foundational relationships ever. It's definitely still a mystery as to why I felt that compelled to talk to them. It's more of a mystery that they would experience that undoubted awkwardness and work through it...

I could keep going, but I need to rest my head, it has reached it's current thinking capacity.

Mystery

The mystery in Jesus Christ. It's not easy to explain, it's not easy to comprehend, it's just plain complex. He has done, is doing, and will do so much for this great planet if we would just surrender our all to Him. I proclaim that I will let Him work within me so that I can work among the world to show them the way. Anyways, it's just unfathomable how He lived for me, for you, for our failings, for our triumphs, for our joys, for our sorrows. What is harder to understand or grasp is this... He DIED, no, not lived... DIED for those very same things. Then He rose again, to prove that He was in fact the Messiah that God has sent from Heaven to Earth to save His people.

I am so blessed that I get to experience this earth. I am so blessed I have a Savior who sacrificed it all just to show me the real meaning of living life. I am so blessed that He has given me the mystery of His presence to fall more and more in love with. I am blessed He has given me spiritual gifts that are unique to me and me alone. I am blessed He gave me music. I am blessed that He has given me a family and friends circle that appreciates me. All by great mystery, I am blessed...

What a wonderful mystery.

The Great Divide

It's Five Twenty-Eight in the evening and I'm sitting on my bedroom floor pondering. Now usually my pondering has distinct places it travels and usual paths it goes, but today, I'm scatterbrained. Fully. Deeply. I don't know why or where it comes from, it just comes. I had a Merchandising meeting today. It went really well. I am slowly integrating into the daily life of an IBO and it feels wonderful. I'm going out to enjoy a Caesar salad and a martini with my sister tonight. We've seen each other so much lately. It's very fulfilling. I can't ever get enough of her. She's the biggest blessing ever. Too bad we didn't get birthed into the same family. Oh wait, yes, yes we did. We're sisters in Christ. That's cool to the maximum. Anyways. There's this worship leader named Ian McIntosh. Watch out, he's the next legend. I really hope so at least.

See, I'm just a big ramble today. No rhyme to my reason, no reason to my rhyme. I'm just pent-up, doing the time. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be back to myself later this week.

A True Taste...

As I'm sitting here. A glorious morning. The horizon is a crystal clear blue. The sun is shining brightly. The trees are slightly rustling with the light crisp breeze. Tasting the first little flirtations of summer is such a wonderful occasion. Summer is full of love, light, barbecues, friends, family, relaxing, and adventure. Summer is late nights, late mornings, cups of coffee on the deck, and getting that perfect tan.

Today, summer has made its first appearance from behind the coolness of winter. It's a little slow in coming this year, but if this morning alone is judgment of the type of summer we'll have, I take back all my complaining I'd done a couple of weeks back.

Today is May 16th, 2008. It's a glorious day. Where I talk to Saviour of my soul and rejoice over the majestic painting all around me. The sun rays beating down on the top of my head. The showers of light going into my core, refreshing this slightly tired soul.

Life is wonderful here in this moment of taste testing.

It's Easy to See

It's easy to see that I am forever blessed. Seriously.

God is good my friends, God is good. Lately, He's been announcing his goodness to me with loud, vibrant, awesome answers to my prayers. Each and every promise that has been laid upon my heart has been confirmed by His answer. He is my Great Commander, my Adonai, and my Chief. He is my Pursuer, my Romancer, my God. He is my Leader, my Counsel, my Friend. He is my Lover, my Lord, my Father.

I had a beautiful night with my best friend last night. We talked late and laughed hard over a cup of coffee in the comfy chairs at Starbucks. I love the nights like last night. Ones where the world just seems to stop and God comes alongside us and lifts our spirits. I feel forever blessed to have her in my life. Other than my immediate family, she's the biggest blessing in my life. We were talking to a guy named Matt outside of Starbucks last night, and he said... "I take it you two are best friends," and we replied in exactly the same tone of voice and inflection and physical motion. It made me laugh a lot.

I'm listening to a very deep song right now. It's called "Pleasing to You" and it's by Jared Anderson. It's a good song to start this weekend off with. I'm going the Generation Church conference today, tomorrow, and Saturday morning. Then it's church Sunday morning and Jason Upton on Sunday night. I'm calling it my weekend with God. I plan on it being just the two of us. One to make me reflect and transform. A fresh laid snow where I get to make the first new footprints. It will be revival.

Anyways, back to last night. Before my best friend got there I had some spare time lying around so I got to writing. This was the result. It's probably some of the most annointed writing I've ever written for myself. I feel the hand of the Lord on this...

"I hope that once, just once, my dreams and Your plans for me fully align with one another. Not only for my happiness, but for Your glory and for the Kingdom's cause. I want a reality where the sparks fly through the darkened sky to illuminate my mind and freedom of expression is painted throughout my story. I want joy throughout. Even through the struggles, even through the tears. I want a reality worth fighting and bleeding on the battlefield of faith for. I pray. I can only pray that You let Your song live within my like a song that never stops playing or a river that never runs dry. I want a faith that's reckless. I want Your vision of my path to be dangerous. Not only do I want the vision to be dangerous, I want the reality to be dangerous. Here I am Lord, send me."

...

Thought of the Day: Worship is not part of a church service. It's a lifestyle. It's a twenty-four/seven love affair with the King.

For the Mood.

So, I've had a rough weekend but one song has risen from the bottom of my playlist to the top. While this song is universally amazing, it just hasn't been on my "must listen" list for sometime now. However, I've remembered and relearned grace this weekend. It was brought into my current playlist and it doesn't look to be leaving for sometime now. It comes as a musical blessing to me in this time.

"Grace Like Rain" - Todd Agnew

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Chorus

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

Ivory

I am thankful for my musical passions and ability to play the piano and sing songs this morning. So very grateful.

This is my purpose, this is my calling, now I wait for the open door. I pray on bended knee I'm allowed just one more open door. I know I've closed so many before, but this time, I'm serious. I get a door, I'm flying through it. No doubts. No fears.

I am so blessed with this passion. So blessed. I know I've said that a million times before, but why did it take until just now to register and sink in?

"I wanna live for You, go where You lead me. I wanna follow You" - Starfield

Three words.

HE. IS. REMEDY
there, was i clear enough?

Needless to say, I needed some great therapy and I turned to Him. Probably, honestly, for one of the first times ever I turned my eyes upward and fell to my knees. I pray a lot, and I go to Him a lot. But usually I sit here and try to help myself or seek earthly counsel. I sought Him, and He rewarded me. I am learning the discipline.

HE. IS. REMEDY.

Genuine Love Affair

I'm becoming more and more aware of one great big thing.

My relationship with Jesus is a genuine love affair. It's hot, it's heavy, it's scandalous, it's deep, it's raw, it's powerful, and it's real. So real I sometimes swear I feel his breath hot on my shoulder giving me the encouragement to go forward. There are times when I've truly felt a hand wrap itself around mine and felt the wind carry the comfort of my Saviour through my hair. I love my Jesus. I used to think He was all warm and soft and gentle and sweet. Rapidly my Jesus is turning into a warrior drenched in His blood He sacrificed on the battle field for my name. He's turning into my wonderful lover who teaches me a little bit more each and every breath. He's turning into my Great Commander upon a stormy sea. I hear His name resound in my head. I exalt His name wherever there is room to be heard. He is not just a representation of Love. He is not just a representation of Life. HE IS LOVE. HE IS LIFE.

He is the single-most thing that I'm grateful for. I am so blessed by Him. I am so blessed He walks my path with me. I love the raw emotion. I love the sometimes-quiet, sometimes-loud desperation I am called to. I am in a genuine love affair with Jesus Christ. His sacrifice is always bringing me back to my knees in front of His cross.

He never has left me and I didn't know why I thought he did. He will never leave me and I don't know why I thought He Ever would. I love Jesus Christ.

Being Humbled...

As I was driving along today I got humbled. Not just the surface humbled, but the full on body-shaking, core-stumbling humbled. There's this homeless guy who I've seen standing on the same corner for almost a year now. Now, I don't know if he's actually homeless or just bumming money for cigarrettes and booze, but something hit me today. Hard. God looked me straight in the rearview mirror and said "Swallow that pride of yours and give this guy a chance." So, I did. I took out what I thought was an appropriate amount of money and rolled my window down and gave it to him. He was genuinely thankful. I was humbled. I have given to a homeless person before, but never have I been god-sent to give like I was here. I cried after I gave it to him. I cried hard enough I thought I should have pulled over, but I didn't. Now, I don't know where his money goes at night, but that's not my concern. That is God's and God will alone to convict him. God alone convicts me. That's how it goes. We can choose to follow that conviction or rebel against it. I have never felt more blessed.

It's kind of interesting really. While I most likely would have wasted that money, and the chances are high he will as well, it doesn't really matter whose hands it was in does it? Think about that next time you decide to reject a person's outstretched hand. Where is that dollar of change really going to go? Could that dollar or five dollars been that persons honest "fresh start?" Would you be so selfish to deny them that for a pack of gum or a cup of coffee? I'm learning not to hold on to money. Why? Because it's His money, not mine. He will use it as He sees fit. I'm not one to judge.

I've also been tithing on a regular basis. That in itself is an interesting experience for me. It's already shown fruit and I only hope to continue to see this growth within me.

I am a changing Christian, and God is preparing me to shock His Kingdom for a great cause. I am so blessed.