While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, fears set aside.
I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...
---
Tonight, I was blessed with a sunset of a different kind. It had just finished storming, and through the clouds, just a thin layer of clouds separated me and a "perfect" sunset. Normally, I'd stare at awe of the color of this particular sunset, but this one captured me. It had a subtle meaning behind it that I'm glad I picked up on...
My storm isn't over. My trial isn't over. I'm just beginning. Now the real work begins. I have work to do. I have things to get done. Someone (a certain spiritual force, I'm lead to believe) doesn't want me to succeed. Yet, I will battle through. I will rise through the wind and create a bigger force than it can ever bring. I have the cross. I have my Jesus. I have my God. I have the spirit inside. I have the spirit of success. I believe in fighting for a dream and I believe that I'm finally tasting what a "test" feels like in this particular realm...
Anyways, back to the moral of this sunset, I found the meaning... No matter what is in the way of my Jesus. I can still see Him. Though Ge may not be as clear, or as present as I think He should be, He is definitely there, fighting for me, fighting for my success, fighting right beside me on my team. He plays offensive with me, He plays defense with me, He plays coach to me, He plays the Audience of One to cheer me on.
I know that there are so many clouds in my sky right now, but I know that this day's sunset has refreshed in my a new faith. A strong faith. A faith that sparks, sizzles, and is ready to set others on fire. Yes, normally I'd wait for the stubborn clouds to disappear, but I'm going to try something new. I'm going to fight through the clouds so I break the boundary of Earth and perhaps touch the very bottom of Heaven. At least get as close as I can.
---
While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, and embrace
I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Friday, August 14
Wednesday, June 18
A Flash in the Pan
So, originally this entry had been very angry in direction, but I see the error of my way. Anger solves nothing. And in fact, the night worked out perfectly...
Yet, the question still remains...
Am I just a flash in the pan? Is there something more to this that just hasn't been unveiled?
There was a weird tension between us today. Maybe it was the glitter in his eyes or the fact that for the first time I stepped onto what would be deemed "his territory." Our energies seemed to flawlessly combine. Yet there was tension...
I'm no longer angry, in fact, I'm seeking. He is a brilliant person that I'm so grateful for and so blessed by. I pray God continues to bring us closer, so that we may count the stars, and see the world together.
I feel like God's got something mighty up His sleeve... There's a tangible mischievousness about His way lately.
Yet, the question still remains...
Am I just a flash in the pan? Is there something more to this that just hasn't been unveiled?
There was a weird tension between us today. Maybe it was the glitter in his eyes or the fact that for the first time I stepped onto what would be deemed "his territory." Our energies seemed to flawlessly combine. Yet there was tension...
I'm no longer angry, in fact, I'm seeking. He is a brilliant person that I'm so grateful for and so blessed by. I pray God continues to bring us closer, so that we may count the stars, and see the world together.
I feel like God's got something mighty up His sleeve... There's a tangible mischievousness about His way lately.
Friday, April 25
Sitting here, patiently, I hear the still small voice...
Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:
As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.
Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.
Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.
I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.
I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.
I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.
As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.
Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.
Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.
I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.
I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.
I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.
Monday, April 14
Somewhere between the sparks...
So lately I've been riding so many different kinds of highs. I'm on a mental high, a spiritual high, I've found a circle of loving friends, and there are countless other blessings that I've been given. I wonder one thing however. Am I too high? Am I foolish and not thinking things clearly? What's really going on? Is this Satan?
When I think like this though, it's clear that it's not. Yet, in honesty the question remains deeply unsettled within me. I'm not sure how or why, but it definitely does. I'm just enjoying a phase of life that I can't even comprehend. I'm enjoying stability. I'm enjoying feeling love on earth and from above together. I'm experiencing what they call acceptance. At the end of the day, isn't that what we are all struggling for?
Let's touch on that word for just a little bit. Acceptance. It literally translates into being loved and being responded to positively. It means to gain and not only retain the essential elements of friendship. Those essential elements being love, trust, loyalty, and the ability to relate fluidly with one another. Let me use my newest firm friendship to go deeper.
I met this guy at the Christian Musician Summit in November last year. Honestly, we haven't actually talked or even begun to relate to each other outside of those conference days until just last week. We had coffee, we found out how alike we really were and we began the steps of trust. I trust him now a lot more than I did last week, and now I understand that we mutually relate to each other. Love and loyalty are more attainable after a longer period of time. I need to pursue his friendship actively in order for him to pursue mine actively. It's not a one way road. As soon as it does become one way, it's time for the other person to jump ship. However, in the case that we both continue maintaining this blessing, then we acquire the loyalty, and the love. I hope at some point that we become that close. I see a lot of what I look for in him. Perhaps even in the future we'd be a great couple. There are no thoughts about that right now. I really am just enjoying his awesome friendship. He's also a potential business partner. Well he his a business partner, but I've not quite fully committed to the idea. That question will soon be settled however.
Anyways, back to acceptance. If you have it, you know it. If you want it, work for it. If you don't have it, cut the line or keep trying until you or the other person makes a decision. Once you have it though, try to keep things awesome between the sparks. Because with acceptance comes an automatic urge to get comfortable. Even in friendships there will be times that are much much hotter than others. Fight through it. If, after the fight, things still prove to be cold, evaluate where you stand with that person. Create a warm environment of openness. Let them express in earnest what they're feeling. Listen.
As I close, I just want to tell you that I have been eternally blessed beyond measure with a loving family, great friends, and awesome relationships. However, the relationships didn't happen overnight. They took work. Even with my best friend. It takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes love. My question now becomes. Do you have acceptance? Where? Do you yearn for more?
Answer those questions. Take your answers, wrap your soul around those questions, make certain your answers are your real answers and not just an angry or sad person deep within. Get over your past to embrace your future. It's a bright one. I promise.
Be open. Work. Maintain. Work. Be open. Listen. Work. Maintain. Be open. Listen.
When I think like this though, it's clear that it's not. Yet, in honesty the question remains deeply unsettled within me. I'm not sure how or why, but it definitely does. I'm just enjoying a phase of life that I can't even comprehend. I'm enjoying stability. I'm enjoying feeling love on earth and from above together. I'm experiencing what they call acceptance. At the end of the day, isn't that what we are all struggling for?
Let's touch on that word for just a little bit. Acceptance. It literally translates into being loved and being responded to positively. It means to gain and not only retain the essential elements of friendship. Those essential elements being love, trust, loyalty, and the ability to relate fluidly with one another. Let me use my newest firm friendship to go deeper.
I met this guy at the Christian Musician Summit in November last year. Honestly, we haven't actually talked or even begun to relate to each other outside of those conference days until just last week. We had coffee, we found out how alike we really were and we began the steps of trust. I trust him now a lot more than I did last week, and now I understand that we mutually relate to each other. Love and loyalty are more attainable after a longer period of time. I need to pursue his friendship actively in order for him to pursue mine actively. It's not a one way road. As soon as it does become one way, it's time for the other person to jump ship. However, in the case that we both continue maintaining this blessing, then we acquire the loyalty, and the love. I hope at some point that we become that close. I see a lot of what I look for in him. Perhaps even in the future we'd be a great couple. There are no thoughts about that right now. I really am just enjoying his awesome friendship. He's also a potential business partner. Well he his a business partner, but I've not quite fully committed to the idea. That question will soon be settled however.
Anyways, back to acceptance. If you have it, you know it. If you want it, work for it. If you don't have it, cut the line or keep trying until you or the other person makes a decision. Once you have it though, try to keep things awesome between the sparks. Because with acceptance comes an automatic urge to get comfortable. Even in friendships there will be times that are much much hotter than others. Fight through it. If, after the fight, things still prove to be cold, evaluate where you stand with that person. Create a warm environment of openness. Let them express in earnest what they're feeling. Listen.
As I close, I just want to tell you that I have been eternally blessed beyond measure with a loving family, great friends, and awesome relationships. However, the relationships didn't happen overnight. They took work. Even with my best friend. It takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes love. My question now becomes. Do you have acceptance? Where? Do you yearn for more?
Answer those questions. Take your answers, wrap your soul around those questions, make certain your answers are your real answers and not just an angry or sad person deep within. Get over your past to embrace your future. It's a bright one. I promise.
Be open. Work. Maintain. Work. Be open. Listen. Work. Maintain. Be open. Listen.
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