Feel the Sting...

I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.

I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.

He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.

He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.

What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.

I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.

I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.

Lessons aren't necessarily big...

Lessons aren't necessarily these big grand slaps in the face. In fact some of the lessons that I'm learning lately are so subtle that they didn't exactly make themselves well known until after I'd learned them. I think that the biggest lesson that I'm learning right now is the lesson of negativity.

Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...

Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...

Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.

There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...

Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...

I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.

As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.

There's gotta be a way.

Clinging to my tears I'm in bed this night. I have no idea what's happening to my emotional realm, but things are clearly and most honestly not right. They're not bad. They're just not right. I'm upset over things I never would have been, I'm joyous over different things, I'm sad and happy minute by minute. I fear the old me is trying to creep back in and that really scares me. Not just that momentary fear like you're on a roller coaster and it ends. It's a fear that if realized could be very damaging to the relationships I've worked so hard to build and maintain. I don't like being this way. I don't like being jealous. I don't like being upset and the people I love the very most for something they probably didn't even intentionally do.

I'm going to call for an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I know I'm totally publicizing that, but I don't live ashamed that sometimes I need someone trained to help me sort through my emotions. I embrace the fact that there's someone on this earth who can actually get through to my core and evaluate what's really happening.

I just fear that I may have to re-enlist the help of medication. That's one of the most painful things I ever had to deal with. Realizing a medication helped me be happy. Unless you're depressed, you have no idea what it feels like.

Anyways, I need to go pray. It's decently late, and I've a decently early morning and a extraordinary long day ahead of me.

Just so you know, just know, this writing, it was totally transparent.

Sitting here, patiently, I hear the still small voice...

Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:

As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.

Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.

Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.

I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.

I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.

I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.