August Rush

So, it's August's midpoint. I feel awful that I haven't written in so long but my writing's have been totally for myself lately. Coming in and out of these phases is not easy. Because I feel like I should write to you, but I also feel like I need to honor my God. Not just when I feel like it, but all the time. Lately, I feel like in order to honor Him that I've needed to step back from everything that satisfies me to see what satisfies Him for my life. I started to really trust a new friend last night. Not just a little, a lot. He has been a very strong presence in my life. I'm putting my trust into him because I feel like he is putting his trust into me. It's pretty cool if you ask me. Anyways, that is what has been pulling me away from the screen. Honest, true, and authentic relationship community is what we all long for and with this new friend, I think I have found a missing part to my community.

feel; for one more day

As I sit here, it's 1:23 in the morning. I have no idea why I'm up. I went out tonight, but didn't feel like I normally do when I go out. In fact, I came back home early. I could describe it as a good night, but there was something unequivocally uninteresting about it. Perhaps it's because I didn't drink. Perhaps it's because I didn't really socialize. All I know is that I didn't feel it, at all...

Which worries me.

I'm such a social butterfly that getting a chance to go out and see a ton of people who are more than willing to talk back at me truly excites me. However, this night was about reconnecting with close friends, and remembering how incredibly blessed that I am to have them. Later on on what is now today, one more of these blessings comes in from his home in Baton Rouge. And later on tonight we'll be celebrating our friendship by going a million and one places in my beautiful Seattle hometown. Yet, tonight, I just wasn't feeling like doing that whole bar scene. I was so annoyed with it that I did, I made everyone get up, and come home at about 11:30. Here, where we're all on our laptops, sipping wine, flipping through photo albums, reminiscing on the pure moments, laughing at the dramas, singing to the music that brings us together, now this, this where I want to forever be with these wonderful friends. This is what feels right. Every one else even agrees that coming home was a great idea. This is content. This is pure. This is love.

At 2:45 tomorrow, a piece of the puzzle comes in, to complete it just a little bit more. I can't wait. I am so blessed that I call for help and the troops arrive. I know I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, and on the flip side, it's amazing to know that they do the same.

I think it would be awesome to live within the same eight blocks as these people, but it's nice that we're kind of spread out. Honestly. It makes the time that we do get to share together that much more special. I learn not to take it for granted. I learn that it's something unique. I learn the value of relationships. I learn how to maintain good communication. It's a really great set-up if you ask me. Yes, it's heartbreaking every time someone gets on a plane to go back home. Yes, it hurts when they start to pack. That's when I wish for one more day. For one more day of this sweet perfection. One more day of crazy conversations, sunset chasing, sunrise chasing, spontaneous coffee runs, midnight walks, and general excitement. It is then that I remember that either I'll be going to see them in a few months, or they'll be back in a few months...

Speaking of sunrises, we've just committed to seeing whatever sunrise we get this morning, while sipping champagne and eating waffles. Yes, because we're quirky, and yes, because that's how we roll, and yes, because we're perfect.

Association: The Basics

Here's the short and sweet of the association you have. Association is just an eloquent way of saying the simplest thing. It's who you hang around with. It's who you spend your time with. It's who you call. It's who you live with. The funny thing is, no matter what, you are what you are around. You have people in your life consistently in jail, you're more than likely to end up there too. No matter how hard you try not to, you make small compromises until you come to the end of the road that you didn't want to be on in the first place.

There's good news here though. It's dissociation. You see, you can eliminate those people who compromise your integrity and value. You can choose to find positive and uplifting people who would rather see you excel versus fail. Hanging around with people who go to jail like it's the grocery store are not the people you want in your main circle of influence if you're trying to get out of jail. It's people who are doing well in life and have stability that you want to get around.

I hear from people frequently that they're not happy and that life always seems to be full of unnecessary drama. Then I take a deeper look at their association and I see people of similar mindset playing the biggest role on their own attitude. Even more interesting is that they have tons of positive people on the fringe, just waiting for things to break to sweep in and save the day. If they just moved those people to their closest circle, they'd be so surprised how quickly their lifestyle would change. SO surprised. I was. I am a testimony to that. I never had a friend in jail, but I had friendships and relationships that compromised my core identity and I didn't get rid of them, but I dissociated with it. It's been a wonderful transition for me that has given me a fresh start. Every day since April 26th of this year I've woken up with purpose. Woken up with value. Woken up feeling wanted and loved and desired. It's remarkable...

If this relates, check your association closely. Stick with the ones who build you up, let go of the ones that break you down.

Late Nights and Veggie Crisps

I just spent four hours on the phone with the most beautiful, most wonderful, most spectacular person in the world. A friend that I haven't heard from in years. He and I traipsed our memories together and apart. He and I caught up on current life events, including the birth of his new baby girl Jordana Ashlee. He's raising this little girl all by himself because the mom has since passed on. He is moving back from Chicago sometime within the next few months. I think I would absolutely love that. This little girl has the best dad in the whole wide world. The way he talked about her is the way that I want my husband to praise our daughters and sons...

Anyways, the re-connection was incredible. He was nothing like I'd remembered him, but so much more. He found a faith in God. He found a love for life. He got the most wonderful little girl.

Anyways, it turned out to be a way late night, and I ate my way through a whole bag of Veggie Crisps, but I honestly don't care. It was probably one of the best phone conversations I've ever had with anyone. When he moves, I can't wait to be a part of his life, and little Jordana Ashlee.

Now, I go out in search of coffee and a sunrise. Even though I doubt the sun will peek through the clouds, but you know what? I'm alright with that. The sun kind of came out even in the darkest part of the night for me tonight.

God is good.

Absolutely

God is full of absolutes. This is monumental in my faith today. This entry won't be very long, or very "deeply" written but it is monumental. He is always absolute. In His walk, in His way, in His truth, in His light. He IS absolute...

I can't comprehend how it happens, but God really works at my heart as I sit alone amongst a group of people. I sit here in the Starbucks location that I so frequently visit and I am compelled by the faith that I live in, to achieve bigger, to dream larger, to believe stronger. I don't know how or why, but it is the way it is because that's the way God intended for me to receive it. The people talk around me, and I could actively be a part of the conversation, but I have been told that I am not to interject right now. I am supposed to absorb...

It's just drifted to the Lord's salvation and I am deeply processing. It's time for me to jump back in. It's time for me to inherit the lesson I'm supposed to learn. I thank God for the new people in my life in this moment. I thank him for the ones who have been there. I thank HIM for giving me the life I lead....

Ephesians 6:18

We live for these moments...

Last night was exactly what the doctor ordered. Now, I haven't had a few "bad weeks" by any means, but I haven't had "easy weeks" either. Anyways, yesterday night was quite possibly the stabilizer in this life for me at the current time. I went to see one of the most inspirational people in my life. Brad Duncan. He's absolutely wonderful. He started at 8:00 sharp, and went until 11:00, without break. He gave me so much inspiration that I don't know what to do with it. As always, I was there with Andrew. Who I've really enjoyed getting to know. He's given me a lot of hope. He helps me dream. He doesn't shoot down the dreaming I do either...

I've come to realize that I need those kind of people in my life consistently. They are the ones that help me grow, help me realize, help me fulfill my potential. It's dream killers that end lives. Maybe not physically, but mentally they kill people quicker than poison. I'm so glad to have the five close friends I do. They're all different. Yet, somehow they create this motion in my life together. It's a quick-paced positive motion. Centered on Christ, lived out as such. It's been great. I've enjoyed settling into this next phase of life. I'm thinking that so much can happen. I'm realizing that I don't need a four-year college degree and a good job to make it happen either. I might even land on the word revelation for this chapter. I'm so blessed to be where I am.

I know there's so much more to experience in life. I'm so thankful I have a family that loves me unconditionally. I have five wonderful friends who would die for me as I would them. Life is good right now.

I've been thinking a lot about structure again. I have no clue why, it's just where I find myself looking and pondering lately. I can't describe this new side of it yet, but I will say resoundingly that structure is absolutely necessary in human life.

Don't let anyone steal, crumple, crunch, trash, or make fun of your dream. God gave it to you for a reason, so go out and make it happen. I'd be more than happy to help you achieve it as well. Just open your door, and I'll make sure mine is always open too. You are beautiful, so is your dream.

Trust in the name of the Lord our God

Trust in the name of the Lord our God.

I know it's hard, I know the road seems unending, I know the road has so many potholes and curves. But we must stay faithful in our step. We must believe in His plan for us. Because that plan, whatever it is friend, is the perfect plan. After all, it's written by the Author and the Perfecter. So not only is He writing it, He's also insuring its perfection. How awesome does it get?

So, your friends left you, but His love endures forever over you.

The test that you now face, that you've been facing, that you will overcome will only benefit you when the dust settles and the storm clouds melt back into the heavens.

I love you friend. I love you brother. I am so proud of you for the steps you've been taking lately. I am nothing but excited to see the next steps you take.

Transparency

To be transparent is to be see-through. To show all things, good or bad.

In life, it honestly doesn't come down to how good or bad you may think you are, it's how transparent you are. It's how much you let the world see you in your falls, not just your triumphs. Easily attainable through being transparent is trust, a long-lasting friendships, relationships, and mentor-ships.

What makes that a true statement you might be asking yourself. Here's my answer. I believe that if I am transparent I am honest. Honesty keeps people around, lies don't. I am much more likely to maintain a friendship that has had serious transparency versus one that is foggy. It's only in transparency when real character can be defined.

In an ideal world however, there would be no fault in your life or the lives of the people around you, but the world isn't like that, which makes transparency even more valuable. Be a window into your own soul, don't be afraid to let the light within radiate out.

As I go back and re-read this I doubt it makes sense to anyone but me. Does it make sense to you?

Structure

As I'm sitting here in my usual Starbucks, I look up. For the first time I really look at the actual construction of the building. It's a very log-cabin feel, it's very warm aesthetically, and it's painted in colors that appeal to many comfort zones.

Today, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I know I'm stepping in faith. I know I'm loving through truth. But what am I looking for?

I had a great time with a great person last night. It was refreshing. You see, I'd met him at a Musician's Summit, and since then we've been concert buddies, not really talking much. Yesterday, we got that opportunity and it was such a blessing. He's sweet, he's funny, he's gorgeous, he's deeply involved in his faith, he's musically inclined, and he's just plain awesome. It was cool to finally get past the surface and into who he was. In return I am grateful I got to share parts of myself with him. I think it's a fair trade, no?

Anyways, back to structure. I believe that structure is a key part of life. I don't believe anyone can truly live a spontaneous lifestyle. That said there's definitely moments where being spontaneous is totally fine. Here, if that confuses things let's dig deeper.

Structure here is another word for boundaries, and it's just that, structure. When something has "structural integrity" that means that it's well built and that things are stable and secure. In my own heart I believe that people are truly happiest when there's a good base structure in their lifestyle. Take the celebrity way for example, there's no structure there, and just look at how lost they get. They don't have set rules, limitations, or anything vaguely like them. They are also proof-positive that failure is imminent without structure.

That said, there's always room to let the plans fall through once in a while and seek something more spontaneous. Because without that little bit of break in the routine, things get monotonous. They get dull. They get boring.

Yet, in the terms of a building, having the most strong, the most reliable, the most well designed structure is key. In teams, this is true. Having an extremely organized structure will give you the best success. Having no structure in a group setting will lead to failure because too many spontaneous moments happen and arguments and tension rises very quickly ultimately leading to the big implosion. Structure unlocks success, not prevents it.

I always sit here and wonder after I make a statement. Why does it arise? Why do I think the way I do? Then, in the midst of it all, I remember, I am designed to think like I do so that I can find the next piece of the structure that I'm building.

It's Easy to See

It's easy to see that I am forever blessed. Seriously.

God is good my friends, God is good. Lately, He's been announcing his goodness to me with loud, vibrant, awesome answers to my prayers. Each and every promise that has been laid upon my heart has been confirmed by His answer. He is my Great Commander, my Adonai, and my Chief. He is my Pursuer, my Romancer, my God. He is my Leader, my Counsel, my Friend. He is my Lover, my Lord, my Father.

I had a beautiful night with my best friend last night. We talked late and laughed hard over a cup of coffee in the comfy chairs at Starbucks. I love the nights like last night. Ones where the world just seems to stop and God comes alongside us and lifts our spirits. I feel forever blessed to have her in my life. Other than my immediate family, she's the biggest blessing in my life. We were talking to a guy named Matt outside of Starbucks last night, and he said... "I take it you two are best friends," and we replied in exactly the same tone of voice and inflection and physical motion. It made me laugh a lot.

I'm listening to a very deep song right now. It's called "Pleasing to You" and it's by Jared Anderson. It's a good song to start this weekend off with. I'm going the Generation Church conference today, tomorrow, and Saturday morning. Then it's church Sunday morning and Jason Upton on Sunday night. I'm calling it my weekend with God. I plan on it being just the two of us. One to make me reflect and transform. A fresh laid snow where I get to make the first new footprints. It will be revival.

Anyways, back to last night. Before my best friend got there I had some spare time lying around so I got to writing. This was the result. It's probably some of the most annointed writing I've ever written for myself. I feel the hand of the Lord on this...

"I hope that once, just once, my dreams and Your plans for me fully align with one another. Not only for my happiness, but for Your glory and for the Kingdom's cause. I want a reality where the sparks fly through the darkened sky to illuminate my mind and freedom of expression is painted throughout my story. I want joy throughout. Even through the struggles, even through the tears. I want a reality worth fighting and bleeding on the battlefield of faith for. I pray. I can only pray that You let Your song live within my like a song that never stops playing or a river that never runs dry. I want a faith that's reckless. I want Your vision of my path to be dangerous. Not only do I want the vision to be dangerous, I want the reality to be dangerous. Here I am Lord, send me."

...

Thought of the Day: Worship is not part of a church service. It's a lifestyle. It's a twenty-four/seven love affair with the King.

A Letter To A Friend,

Dear Friend,

You may be down, you may be sad, you may not understand why things are the way they are, and you may not feel like you're alright in your situation but there is a few things you need to know. You are loved, you are valued, you will get through the struggles, and you will see the other side. It may be a while but it will come.

Don't let the people around you affect your happiness. Do what your heart tells you to do, don't let anything other than your faith affect your decisions.

You are amazing. You are a part of my life forever.

Love you unconditionally, Amanda Marie (your mandabear).