This Christmas turned out to be alright. We had some family drama and some big snow, but the thing is, I had a great time. I love my family and these are the times when I remember and truly appreciate that. Last night, I definitely remembered that. The night before last night, I definitely remember that. Today, I definitely remember it. They are the structure of my life. They provide for me unconditional support, love, and so many other great great things.
Remember that your family is always going to be there for you. Regardless of the dysfunctional moments and years, they're always going to be there for me...
I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas this year. I got love. Material wise, I got a pink laptop, brand new Ugg boots, and my Daisy by Marc Jacobs perfume. But mostly, I got love. Actually, I'd go even deeper than that. I got healing. I'd been suffering from a severe case of loneliness prior to the Eve of Christmas. But now I know that I'll never walk alone.
God taught me things today and yesterday that I had forgotten. I remembered the reason for the season. I remembered to love with my whole heart again. I learned how to forgive again. I learned to let go...
I've let go of the one thing on my heart, and it was hard, but easy. Easy because I haven't been there in forever, hard because I had been there for so long. I am just glad that I know in my heart, that I am responding to the greatest love in the world and the heavens. His love.
Friday, December 26
Tuesday, December 23
Mystery Part VI
As I've been writing consistently for about two weeks now I find some days that it is much easier to begin than others. Today was a real struggle to even complete these few sentences.
Creatively, I haven't been suffering lately, but it's the delivery that begs of better. I have so many grand ideas but no way to get them out of my head. It almost seems as if there's a great big disconnect. The hand is still writing just as always, the mind is still thinking just as always, but between the thought and the pen there is a void that I feel is deeper than the Atlantic Ocean...
That's the mystery of creative gifts. How strong they can be at times, and how non-existent they can seem in others. Prior to November I hadn't really written something solid or unique in several months. Granted I have quite the archive of napkin notes and phrases on receipts and half-written pages that I went back to for inspiration. No real new ideas have been given to my head to then place on the paper that I'm currently writing on.
I tend to think He does that so we remain thankful for the gifts and that we creatively don't drain ourselves and lose interest in our mastery. Which, in thinking, I did the first. I'd lost my thankful heart for being gifted with writing songs, poems, blog entries, you name it, I became very ungrateful. Not intentionally, it just kind of happens when you become comfortable with what you have. In fact, I'm not going to lie, He did take it away so that I could see just how necessary it is for me. It truly is my therapy. I don't think my gift is for the world at this point, but rather, it's my souls longing to be closer to Him but written out. Some have definitely read my writings, and some have definitely said that I am quite good and should pursue copyrights and get my material to book publishing companies and get some of my work out there, however, I feel as though it's for me, and me alone at this time. It's just a blessing if people find something relevant to their struggles within my writings. That said, I don't feel as if I should limit their abilities to receive the potential healing that my writings could provide. Then again, it is my unique writing so I feel like credit should be given where credit is due. To Him, for inspiring my thoughts, dreams, and actions. For placing in my heart goals, wishes, and aspiration. I take the earthly credit, but He deserves the eternal credit.
Overall, I am just thankful that I still have my gift and still get to actively practice it. I must remember to the Him for the gift much more often than I do. That my friends, is the mystery of creative gifts.
Creatively, I haven't been suffering lately, but it's the delivery that begs of better. I have so many grand ideas but no way to get them out of my head. It almost seems as if there's a great big disconnect. The hand is still writing just as always, the mind is still thinking just as always, but between the thought and the pen there is a void that I feel is deeper than the Atlantic Ocean...
That's the mystery of creative gifts. How strong they can be at times, and how non-existent they can seem in others. Prior to November I hadn't really written something solid or unique in several months. Granted I have quite the archive of napkin notes and phrases on receipts and half-written pages that I went back to for inspiration. No real new ideas have been given to my head to then place on the paper that I'm currently writing on.
I tend to think He does that so we remain thankful for the gifts and that we creatively don't drain ourselves and lose interest in our mastery. Which, in thinking, I did the first. I'd lost my thankful heart for being gifted with writing songs, poems, blog entries, you name it, I became very ungrateful. Not intentionally, it just kind of happens when you become comfortable with what you have. In fact, I'm not going to lie, He did take it away so that I could see just how necessary it is for me. It truly is my therapy. I don't think my gift is for the world at this point, but rather, it's my souls longing to be closer to Him but written out. Some have definitely read my writings, and some have definitely said that I am quite good and should pursue copyrights and get my material to book publishing companies and get some of my work out there, however, I feel as though it's for me, and me alone at this time. It's just a blessing if people find something relevant to their struggles within my writings. That said, I don't feel as if I should limit their abilities to receive the potential healing that my writings could provide. Then again, it is my unique writing so I feel like credit should be given where credit is due. To Him, for inspiring my thoughts, dreams, and actions. For placing in my heart goals, wishes, and aspiration. I take the earthly credit, but He deserves the eternal credit.
Overall, I am just thankful that I still have my gift and still get to actively practice it. I must remember to the Him for the gift much more often than I do. That my friends, is the mystery of creative gifts.
Friday, December 19
Caged, like an animal.
I've been listening to Britney Spears a lot lately. Her new album Circus just came out in the beginning of the month. It's been exciting to see her back on her feet and doing what she loves. A good friend and I are also going to see her on April 9th on her Circus tour. It's going to be absolutely amazing.
Tomorrow, I will be snowed in for a fourth consecutive day. It's getting redundant and tragically boring. I've made all the calls I've neglected, I've made calls I didn't want to make in the first place, I've read books, listened to music, watched TV, gotten on the treadmill, done some housework, read some more books, surfed until the end of the known internet, and now I sit here at ten minutes until eleven making tea. The sad thing is... I may not be able to make it out until Monday, and that's actually being generous. It's looking more like Tuesday. I guess this is my signal to refocus and dig deeply into myself.
So, in efforts to make my life a little less boring for the time being I'm going to resort to writing...
I got to thinking again about structure. Every time I think about it, my belief of structure is the same, and that same belief is strengthened. Structure is absolutely and entirely necessary. We need structure in our lives in order to find true existence. Why do I say that? Because without rules to break, we can't form our own ideals. We are incapable of such a feat. Why? I'll tell you...
As humans we search for definition and belonging almost our whole lives and we never give up until we find it, more likely these days, until we find something that feels like belonging...
I'm a little dizzy right now just thinking about it. Actually, I'm a little dizzy because I'm tired, and feeling just a little caged in right now. That and I fell twice on the snow/ice combination. I really don't like feeling dizzy. It's probably my least favorite feeling aside from helplessness. Anyways...
As I've grown up, I've been searching for an identity to call my own. As I turned twenty-one I believe that I found it. Well, maybe not all of it, but I found what definitely feels like the beginnings. Lately, I've been growing on that beginning and it's been a crazy ride, but one that I've absolutely loved and been thankful to be on. I am extremely excited to be who I am becoming and I am becoming someone great...
I just took my temperature, and it's 99.1, which is really high for me because my normal temperature is a little colder than the regular 98.6. I sit at a 96.7 on a normal day. It could explain my dizziness a little bit I think....
I just wish that the world would find an identity full of life and full of beauty instead of the one it seems to be going to, full of guiltless crime and corruption. I think this world needs a new, potentially stricter structure. One not so easily destroyed.
Tomorrow, I will be snowed in for a fourth consecutive day. It's getting redundant and tragically boring. I've made all the calls I've neglected, I've made calls I didn't want to make in the first place, I've read books, listened to music, watched TV, gotten on the treadmill, done some housework, read some more books, surfed until the end of the known internet, and now I sit here at ten minutes until eleven making tea. The sad thing is... I may not be able to make it out until Monday, and that's actually being generous. It's looking more like Tuesday. I guess this is my signal to refocus and dig deeply into myself.
So, in efforts to make my life a little less boring for the time being I'm going to resort to writing...
I got to thinking again about structure. Every time I think about it, my belief of structure is the same, and that same belief is strengthened. Structure is absolutely and entirely necessary. We need structure in our lives in order to find true existence. Why do I say that? Because without rules to break, we can't form our own ideals. We are incapable of such a feat. Why? I'll tell you...
As humans we search for definition and belonging almost our whole lives and we never give up until we find it, more likely these days, until we find something that feels like belonging...
I'm a little dizzy right now just thinking about it. Actually, I'm a little dizzy because I'm tired, and feeling just a little caged in right now. That and I fell twice on the snow/ice combination. I really don't like feeling dizzy. It's probably my least favorite feeling aside from helplessness. Anyways...
As I've grown up, I've been searching for an identity to call my own. As I turned twenty-one I believe that I found it. Well, maybe not all of it, but I found what definitely feels like the beginnings. Lately, I've been growing on that beginning and it's been a crazy ride, but one that I've absolutely loved and been thankful to be on. I am extremely excited to be who I am becoming and I am becoming someone great...
I just took my temperature, and it's 99.1, which is really high for me because my normal temperature is a little colder than the regular 98.6. I sit at a 96.7 on a normal day. It could explain my dizziness a little bit I think....
I just wish that the world would find an identity full of life and full of beauty instead of the one it seems to be going to, full of guiltless crime and corruption. I think this world needs a new, potentially stricter structure. One not so easily destroyed.
Thursday, December 18
Stuck
I'm stuck. Not only physically at this very moment, but mentally and spiritually as well. There's a huge storm in this Northwest corner of the country at this point in time. It's already been icy and extremely cold here for an entire week, but alas the snow finally came today. Not just a little snow, but as much as several feet in places. We got between eight and nine inches here at my place tonight. Thankfully, I've been wrapped up in a lot of layers and I have several blankets and cozy spots to get comfortable in. It's amazing what a snow day can do to family morale. As much as I was dreading being stuck with them, it turned out to be okay. We went sledding, played cards, laughed, and prayed...
Anyways, as I was saying, I've also been extremely stuck mentally and spiritually because a disease called jealousy and a disease called desperation have collided within my heart. Not pleasantly, may I add. It's the worst feeling in the whole world to not only feel desperate, but to feel jealous within the same breath. I pray for a miracle every day. It's been the same miracle since late August, and I still haven't given up faith, even though every single sign tells me that I should. I refuse to believe that this pathway isn't the right one. There's too many things going for it. It just doesn't make sense. I wish I knew how to fight this. Well, let me correct that. I know EXACTLY what I need to do in order to fight this, but you see, I have this great big gap between my God and myself at this time. I know this would help to bring my heart a lot closer, but I'm scared that if I give it up to God, then I'll lose it. I also know that for my own sanity that I need to give it up to Him. See, I knew that writing this out would help me. It always does. I just don't understand how I go back into my cages as soon as I get "comfortable" with myself again. I limit my abilites greatly when I do that. Oh that sickens me so...
Anyways, things are going the best they can right now. There's not a lot I can do without leaving the perimeter of my household except grab a snowball and fling it as far as it will go...
Sounds exactly like what I need.
Anyways, as I was saying, I've also been extremely stuck mentally and spiritually because a disease called jealousy and a disease called desperation have collided within my heart. Not pleasantly, may I add. It's the worst feeling in the whole world to not only feel desperate, but to feel jealous within the same breath. I pray for a miracle every day. It's been the same miracle since late August, and I still haven't given up faith, even though every single sign tells me that I should. I refuse to believe that this pathway isn't the right one. There's too many things going for it. It just doesn't make sense. I wish I knew how to fight this. Well, let me correct that. I know EXACTLY what I need to do in order to fight this, but you see, I have this great big gap between my God and myself at this time. I know this would help to bring my heart a lot closer, but I'm scared that if I give it up to God, then I'll lose it. I also know that for my own sanity that I need to give it up to Him. See, I knew that writing this out would help me. It always does. I just don't understand how I go back into my cages as soon as I get "comfortable" with myself again. I limit my abilites greatly when I do that. Oh that sickens me so...
Anyways, things are going the best they can right now. There's not a lot I can do without leaving the perimeter of my household except grab a snowball and fling it as far as it will go...
Sounds exactly like what I need.
Saturday, December 13
Christmas Bells
Christmas bells are ringing. Christmas bells are RING-ING!
Things are actually going to be okay...
For the time being, I have to continually remind myself of that. At about this time last year, I was introduced to the most amazing person, and ever since then, life has been nothing short of a whirlwind of triumph and struggle and victory and defeat. Yet, I find myself saying that things are going to be okay, because, I know they will be. It's not that this person has created this environment, or is even a factor in it, but they have helped me grow in ways I didn't know I needed growing. It reminds me that yes, things are going to be just fine...
Christmas is in a few days, and I have no idea what brought it around so quickly this year. I just got used to the year 2008 and now it's officially drawing near to its end. I'm ready for a few weeks of vacation. The opportunity to sleep past the sunrise for a solid ten days thrills my being. Time with family, and time with friends is essential for me in this season. I am excited this Christmas time.
Things are actually going to be okay...
For the time being, I have to continually remind myself of that. At about this time last year, I was introduced to the most amazing person, and ever since then, life has been nothing short of a whirlwind of triumph and struggle and victory and defeat. Yet, I find myself saying that things are going to be okay, because, I know they will be. It's not that this person has created this environment, or is even a factor in it, but they have helped me grow in ways I didn't know I needed growing. It reminds me that yes, things are going to be just fine...
Christmas is in a few days, and I have no idea what brought it around so quickly this year. I just got used to the year 2008 and now it's officially drawing near to its end. I'm ready for a few weeks of vacation. The opportunity to sleep past the sunrise for a solid ten days thrills my being. Time with family, and time with friends is essential for me in this season. I am excited this Christmas time.
Monday, December 8
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Snowflake Lane
It's incredible what just fifteen minutes can do for someone. For me fifteen minutes of a drum line parked along Bellevue Way was all it took to regain some serious focus on life. Quite simply, I've been living too hard lately. But not in the sense most take it...
I'm talking that I'm forcing myself to grow up when it should be a natural process. Yes, I could be a late bloomer in some aspects, but still, you can't force change. I had been forcing change. Now, because of some bubbles masquerading as snowflakes, heavily costumed high schoolers and college-aged drummers, and a peppermint lollipop I have regained some perspective on just who I should be. I should be me. I should be me, in my own way, on my own time.
It's December 8th. Christmas is just around the corner and I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that things are changing. People will come and some will leave and I just need to accept that.
However, I've found just a little bit of Christmas Joy. To that, I will cling to, recklessly. That said, I am so grateful for my God, and my Savior. With them, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. So my ultimate joy is found in Him.
I'm talking that I'm forcing myself to grow up when it should be a natural process. Yes, I could be a late bloomer in some aspects, but still, you can't force change. I had been forcing change. Now, because of some bubbles masquerading as snowflakes, heavily costumed high schoolers and college-aged drummers, and a peppermint lollipop I have regained some perspective on just who I should be. I should be me. I should be me, in my own way, on my own time.
It's December 8th. Christmas is just around the corner and I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that things are changing. People will come and some will leave and I just need to accept that.
However, I've found just a little bit of Christmas Joy. To that, I will cling to, recklessly. That said, I am so grateful for my God, and my Savior. With them, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. So my ultimate joy is found in Him.
Thursday, December 4
This Christmas..
This Christmas is slowly and surely turning into a Christmas like I have never known. Our normal family tradition is messed up completely. Some of my closest and best friends are leaving for the entire holiday season. None of the friends that normally come back home are making that journey back this year. I am deeply sad by all this. I know that when the week of Christmas does come that I will be excited and that I'll really appreciate all that Christ has done for me just that little more than usual...
Yet, tradition is tradition, and I do believe that my entire tradition has been sacrificed this year. It doesn't entirely make sense to me, although I am extremely excited to see the few people I will be seeing. Anyways,...
I got to writing last night. It was only a little stanza, but I really enjoy it because I think it reflects how I feel about things right now perfectly. Here's that stanza...
Crazy is my heart as I dive into you
Breaking the mold as I fall into step
Glorious love resounding intrinsically
Silhouettes cast, laying side by side
Forgetting the past, faithful to the future
Awesomely praising raw passion
We are like one tonight...
I just wish he got it. After all the sun's about to set and the sky will be getting very dark soon.
Yet, tradition is tradition, and I do believe that my entire tradition has been sacrificed this year. It doesn't entirely make sense to me, although I am extremely excited to see the few people I will be seeing. Anyways,...
I got to writing last night. It was only a little stanza, but I really enjoy it because I think it reflects how I feel about things right now perfectly. Here's that stanza...
Crazy is my heart as I dive into you
Breaking the mold as I fall into step
Glorious love resounding intrinsically
Silhouettes cast, laying side by side
Forgetting the past, faithful to the future
Awesomely praising raw passion
We are like one tonight...
I just wish he got it. After all the sun's about to set and the sky will be getting very dark soon.
Wednesday, December 3
Taking the Drive
I think I'll be taking an extensive drive today on the way home. It just feels like one of those nights that I need to be in my car, in the quiet, listening to the quiet and making a difference in my own mind. I've begun to neglect myself again and I feel horrible about that. Entirely. If I'm not myself, or in my own perspective, how am I supposed to help the ones who mean the most to me? How am I supposed to be shoulder to lean on if I haven't made sure that my shoulder is strong enough to support myself. I've been leaning into someone lately that I don't think I should be leaning in to. Well, maybe I should be, but I just feel like it's perhaps... busywork for him rather than actually affecting lives. Well, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I've learned my lesson and will not be making the same mistake twice. Alright, it's already been more than twice, but you catch my flow... until next time...
Love me, hate me, say what you want about me...
I got a very rude awakening today. No matter how nice you are, there's still going to be people who want to kill you or worse, spread rumors about you. My integrity means a lot to me and when it gets compromised, I get very defensive. In essence today I got micro-managed! Me, MICRO MANAGED. It doesn't even properly compute. Then, after my gracious servitude to her cause, she proceeds to tell her little "circle" which also happens to be partly my "circle" that I was ineffective in my position and that she's not going to trust me anymore. Thankfully, the listening ears were smarter than to believe that and came directly to me when they found out.
I have no idea... I just know that maybe, just maybe, I'm too nice. That would be sad, because I don't mind being too nice. It's when people ask for my help, I give it, and then they override all the work I put in, and with not a single thank you, may I remind you.
In other news, my Britney Spears tickets have officially been secured. Life is great! I'm seeing an EXCELLENT show with an EXCELLENT person!
I have no idea... I just know that maybe, just maybe, I'm too nice. That would be sad, because I don't mind being too nice. It's when people ask for my help, I give it, and then they override all the work I put in, and with not a single thank you, may I remind you.
In other news, my Britney Spears tickets have officially been secured. Life is great! I'm seeing an EXCELLENT show with an EXCELLENT person!
Tuesday, December 2
Chaos: The Britney Effect
Today, I will be buying two tickets to the most nostalgic event ever. I will be attending a Britney Spears concert. The Pussycat Dolls are the scheduled opener. The date is April 9th, 2009. It will be excellent. Chaos in the circus will be intense. The fire in my heart, even moreso. Presale starts in fourteen minutes. It will be the show of the year...
Also, life has re-stabilized a little. It's nice. You take the simple things for granted sometimes. I need to remember not to do that again.
Also, life has re-stabilized a little. It's nice. You take the simple things for granted sometimes. I need to remember not to do that again.
Sunday, November 30
Falling Free
Falling free
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
It's not who I was, but
It's who I am and it's
All because of the Lamb
Whose blood came to redeem
So I lift up my voice and
I proudly proclaim
That I follow the lead
of Him, Most Holy
and I'm falling...
Falling free...
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
It's not who I was, but
It's who I am and it's
All because of the Lamb
Whose blood came to redeem
So I lift up my voice and
I proudly proclaim
That I follow the lead
of Him, Most Holy
and I'm falling...
Falling free...
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
Friday, November 28
Mystery Part V
I’m sitting here listening to a song that I so profoundly remember. Not because of its intricate beauty and cascading melody lines. Not because of the true depth of lyrics and carefully interwoven emotionally driven piano playing. I remember this song because of the moment I go back to, and the way God worked at my heart at that very moment...
We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...
The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...
“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”
This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...
God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...
Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.
This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.
We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...
The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...
“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”
This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...
God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...
Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.
This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.
Tuesday, November 25
Mystery Part IV
The human nature is sadly selfish. The mystery is how we choose to live it when we know this is true. I know that this is true, yet I still, no matter how selfless I pass a smile to a stranger, get some small boost in my own soul. That's the human condition.
I try consciously not to let that manifest into a full bloom ego trip. Yet so many others choose to let that manifestation occur...
In other news, my heart is open on a while new playing field today. My old wounds aren't affecting me and my present and future have me excited. That said I may have slipped back into my depression a little bit again. I don't necessarily like it, but it's where I learn a lot, and find that some of my best writings and thoughts happen. I'm hopeful that my open heart and open eyes are keys to the desperate writing my hand has been begging to do. Begging.
Seeking sunrises lately has seemed more a burden than a reward, yet I will continue to do so because He has called me to do so. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so many perspectives on the human condition. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so may perspectives on my own personal condition. See exactly where I stand after the dust settles.
I try consciously not to let that manifest into a full bloom ego trip. Yet so many others choose to let that manifestation occur...
In other news, my heart is open on a while new playing field today. My old wounds aren't affecting me and my present and future have me excited. That said I may have slipped back into my depression a little bit again. I don't necessarily like it, but it's where I learn a lot, and find that some of my best writings and thoughts happen. I'm hopeful that my open heart and open eyes are keys to the desperate writing my hand has been begging to do. Begging.
Seeking sunrises lately has seemed more a burden than a reward, yet I will continue to do so because He has called me to do so. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so many perspectives on the human condition. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so may perspectives on my own personal condition. See exactly where I stand after the dust settles.
Friday, November 21
Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)
It's a beautiful reality in which we live. Granted it has become polluted, corrupted and damaged deeply. That said, I still believe it's beautiful. Why? Because the human condition is so unique and so individual even between siblings raised of the same parents. Even deeper, my brother and I have been raised by the same schools, been to the same places, experienced the same things, yet we're so different. I know that individuality is programmed into our beings, but you would expect that with so many variables the same that we'd at least turn out somewhat similar. Truth is, we're on opposite paradigms. Bigger truth, it's totally cool. He lives so differently from me, yet maintains great morals, has high hopes for himself, and he loves unconditionally. It's really cool that I get to learn from him day in and day out. I love him.
Anyways, as I've begun to process exactly how sick my grandfather is, the more thankful and appreciative I become that I've been given so much time with him. I just pray that he lives a strong, wonderful, love-filled life up until his final breath. I pray that this brings the family into closeness. I pray that this fills the holes and that the grudges get left in the dust. I pray for unconditional wisdom in the doctors and surgeons and whoever lays a hand medically into his life. I pray they live in His will. I pray that he lives in His will. I pray for my Nana. I just pray.
Anyways, as I've begun to process exactly how sick my grandfather is, the more thankful and appreciative I become that I've been given so much time with him. I just pray that he lives a strong, wonderful, love-filled life up until his final breath. I pray that this brings the family into closeness. I pray that this fills the holes and that the grudges get left in the dust. I pray for unconditional wisdom in the doctors and surgeons and whoever lays a hand medically into his life. I pray they live in His will. I pray that he lives in His will. I pray for my Nana. I just pray.
Tuesday, November 18
Stop the music
Well, not really, but that is the title of this piece of work I've just done up...
-- Stop the Music --
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Sitting here in a room painted blue
I can't help but notice the painful truth
Looking upon our generation so confused
Singing the songs, the fallen songs, I will refuse...
To ignore the whisper...
Then I will respond to the call...
And then... I'll tell the world
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Clicking through the radio one day
Trying to grasp just what the world wants to say
Lyrics full of things His heart breaks for
I can't help but the think...
What if I showed love instead of ignored...
That faint little voice on my heart
That feeling that tells me to awaken...
To start... I will shout...
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Looking at the sunrise, I hear this little whisper
It's Him telling everyone near and far to...
Stop the music, let me your God sing
Over all of creation, it's my majesty
Pause the song, let me your God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let my love for you rain down like a torrential rain
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep...
Deep...
Grace
-- Stop the Music --
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Sitting here in a room painted blue
I can't help but notice the painful truth
Looking upon our generation so confused
Singing the songs, the fallen songs, I will refuse...
To ignore the whisper...
Then I will respond to the call...
And then... I'll tell the world
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Clicking through the radio one day
Trying to grasp just what the world wants to say
Lyrics full of things His heart breaks for
I can't help but the think...
What if I showed love instead of ignored...
That faint little voice on my heart
That feeling that tells me to awaken...
To start... I will shout...
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Looking at the sunrise, I hear this little whisper
It's Him telling everyone near and far to...
Stop the music, let me your God sing
Over all of creation, it's my majesty
Pause the song, let me your God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let my love for you rain down like a torrential rain
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep...
Deep...
Grace
Monday, November 17
RE//birth
This past weekend has been somewhat of a roller coaster. The full summary is in the works but here's what's been laid upon my heart as of right now and I'd like to write it down before it leaves...
My grandfather has been diagnosed with serious cancer. I believe in miracles, and I'm leaning into Him for the strength I need. I'm trying to get my family there too.
On the other hand, I was at my annual Christian Musician Summit this past weekend and it was exceptionally brilliant. That's where that summary I'm talking about is going to come from...
Anyways, I'd had quite the dry songwriting stretch up until I re-opened my heart and my eyes a little bit... Here's what came from it, mind you, it's still not complete or done, but here's what my heart poured onto the page.
-- Consuming Love ---
Captivated by Your consuming love
I just wanna be close to You
Inspired by Your unending grace
I just wanna follow Your way
What you did when you died for me
Has unveiled my eyes and now I see...
That Your love reaches to the heavens
Your grace touches the sky
That Your mercy falls to the ground
like rain And Your truth abounds
----
My grandfather has been diagnosed with serious cancer. I believe in miracles, and I'm leaning into Him for the strength I need. I'm trying to get my family there too.
On the other hand, I was at my annual Christian Musician Summit this past weekend and it was exceptionally brilliant. That's where that summary I'm talking about is going to come from...
Anyways, I'd had quite the dry songwriting stretch up until I re-opened my heart and my eyes a little bit... Here's what came from it, mind you, it's still not complete or done, but here's what my heart poured onto the page.
-- Consuming Love ---
Captivated by Your consuming love
I just wanna be close to You
Inspired by Your unending grace
I just wanna follow Your way
What you did when you died for me
Has unveiled my eyes and now I see...
That Your love reaches to the heavens
Your grace touches the sky
That Your mercy falls to the ground
like rain And Your truth abounds
----
Monday, November 10
Family
Today my mother and I had a rare hour to ourselves. I had the best time. We just had a quick lunch and a deep conversation, but that's why I love it. She challenges my faith in God but not because she doesn't believe, but because she believes differently. As I was sitting biting my way through my chicken wrap, she dropped a faith bomb on me today.
It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."
To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.
I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.
It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."
To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.
I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.
Wednesday, November 5
Moving forward...
Yesterday.
November 4th, 2008. It was a Tuesday. At 8:03 PM they officially named Barack Obama as president-elect. At 8:23 PM John McCain took his well decorated stage and conceded his race. At 9:00 PM, Barack Obama made his acceptance speech. As soon as that speech concluded, the next four years have become extremely interesting. I am eager to see what God has in store for my great nation. There's a reason for everything. I am going to pray like I have never prayed before and I mean that literally. I have never prayed for the leader of my country. I will do so, and I will do it very often. I have never been more unsure of the future, but I know that God has His hand in everything and that Barack Obama has been placed in the place he is in for a very specific reason.
I am nervously excited for the next four years.
November 4th, 2008. It was a Tuesday. At 8:03 PM they officially named Barack Obama as president-elect. At 8:23 PM John McCain took his well decorated stage and conceded his race. At 9:00 PM, Barack Obama made his acceptance speech. As soon as that speech concluded, the next four years have become extremely interesting. I am eager to see what God has in store for my great nation. There's a reason for everything. I am going to pray like I have never prayed before and I mean that literally. I have never prayed for the leader of my country. I will do so, and I will do it very often. I have never been more unsure of the future, but I know that God has His hand in everything and that Barack Obama has been placed in the place he is in for a very specific reason.
I am nervously excited for the next four years.
Friday, October 31
Holding onto what is easy...
Losing the easy things in life is a lot harder than it seems. Why? Because they're easy. They come naturally. They're just... easy. I'm learning that the easy things are the things that aren't worth it. Why? Because I didn't sacrifice in order to gain. I didn't lose in order to see...
I like working for the things I love the most. Mainly I love working at relationships. I don't like the good ones handed to me. I like some element of challenge. I have that in all my close relationships. Granted, I love stability, but I like to fight for love. Jesus fought for love. I think I should too...
In other news, it's gotten pretty cold here in Seattle. It's nice. I can bring out the layers and scarves and cute skull caps again. It's not quite cold enough for the caps yet but I can feel it on the horizon. In a strange way, I love the cold. It reminds me that I can be vulnerable and lean on something if I need to. It's great.
I'm slipping into an old habit again... It's not necessarily good. But it feels so right that it can't be wrong. Well, I know it's wrong. But it feels so good. Liquid poison is definitely flowing freely through my veins...
Thursday, October 23
Feel the Sting...
I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.
I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.
He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.
He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.
What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.
I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.
I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.
I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.
He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.
He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.
What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.
I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.
I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.
Wednesday, October 22
Back at Square One
Yeah, we all know what it's like to be put back, no, forced back to square one. Quite honestly, and forgive my bluntness, it really sucks. I know that this is definitely not the most eloquently stated phrase but it's the real truth and it's not even deep under my skin or anything. Sick...
Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...
Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...
There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.
So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.
Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...
Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...
There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.
So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.
Friday, October 10
Sanctuary
Sanctuary - a place of refuge from hardship or trial.
I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.
Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?
I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.
Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?
Defy Gravity
So, when you have something that seems so far out of grasp what do you do? You defy gravity of course!
"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...
No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.
What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...
This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...
The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.
I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!
Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.
"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...
No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.
What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...
This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...
The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.
I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!
Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.
Thursday, October 9
It's a long time coming...
I'm finally coming clean, can't you see boy, you're the only one for me. You've got everything that I want and more. You've got the world inside you I just want to explore. Take over me, I'm willing. Let me take you over, I'm feeling like you want it more...
We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...
---
Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.
---
I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.
---
In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.
---
I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.
We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...
---
Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.
---
I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.
---
In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.
---
I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.
Tuesday, September 30
Mystery Part III
I guess this has become a series of sorts. I thought it was just going to be a thought in passing but I'm convinced that this Jesus that I love so deeply and fully is truly the biggest mystery I've ever come to know or will ever know...
Alright, so you're wondering about the picture of the candle. Well, here's where I start in my late night assertions about my faith. As far as my salvation story goes, it almost literally started with the smallness of a candle flicker. Granted, I was inside of the Rose Garden in Portland with about 15,000 other believers or questioners. At the time, it just felt like a little flutter in my laid upon my soul, but now I know what that flicker was. It was the flicker of a newly found hope, a newly found trust, and a new response to a brand new relationship. I was so compelled that weekend. I don't want to label myself, especially in glorification, but I think I left with the fullest heart of all the attenders. Why? Because that flicker went straight into this full out fire. No slow transition here.
The real mystery here is how God calls people into His Kingdom. He calls them by name. He whispers to them in a dream. He shouts their name as they overlook a sunset. He loves them when they think they're unlovable. As I mature, I'm amazed by just how diverse the salvation stories are. Pastors' kids who naturally grew up with faith and followed faithfully. Pastors' kids who naturally grew up, rebelled, and found Him again on their own time. People who find Him at big events and small events alike... It's a mystery that He programmed us to have different reactions to the call to faith.
Lately, my fire's not so much left my heart, it's just changing. It's rearranging. It's amazing. I have so much hope. I have so much faith in my God that sometimes He needs to do that. He has helped me break out of my routine thought process. He's helped my core to re-evaluate who I am. He's let me come into balances that I didn't think I needed...
And I throw it back to those wonderful first moments of my faith... When my candle transformed into a full-fledged firestorm of passion, praise, and pursuit of answers and of Him. I can't believe just how small that flame needs to be for Him to be able to get along side it and send His breath as wind to fan it into a raging blaze.
It's such a mystery, stay tuned. I'm sure this series isn't over yet.
Sunday, September 28
Mystery Part II
Continuing on about the mystery of God I have landed on a point that some would call obvious. We are so deeply wired to be part of healthy and fulfilling relationships. That said, we're also deeply called to usher people closer to His kingdom. I can't even imagine myself not being in community, and I mourn for those who close themselves out intentionally. What the mystery to me is just how we connect, and how random these connections are. I take my three closest friends as examples. My best friend I met because I just had to tell someone that the music theory teacher was pretty good looking. My closest guy friend I met in an online fan community. My other really great guy friend, I met at a summit at my church. Three very different circumstances, but the relationships are all very vital to my success in life. These three beautifully constructed meetings have done so much for me. They encourage me, they lift me up, they provide for me, they laugh with and at me, they help me, and most of all, they continually help me to remember that God's love for me is real. Why? Because they selflessly represent Christ to me. I think the biggest thing that shows me this is that they all know my imperfections and they love me even more for them...
I deeply believe in the "divine appointment" theory. Yet, I don't understand just how we in our beings gather the courage to reach out. At the time when I met my best friend, I hadn't really any intentions of really branching out and getting to know her, or anyone in that class for that matter. Yet, something deep within me urged me forward to speak to her. My first impression was probably a little wacky, but I still did it. To this day I'm glad that my longing out played my fear. It was close, but it was totally worth it to have the five seconds of awkward laughter. Why? Because now, I've gained a lasting sister. The way I introduced myself to the guy I met at my church was telling him that he had really spectacular teeth. What did I get out of that? I got around five or ten minutes of awkward talking and it has forged the way for what is now one of my most foundational relationships ever. It's definitely still a mystery as to why I felt that compelled to talk to them. It's more of a mystery that they would experience that undoubted awkwardness and work through it...
I could keep going, but I need to rest my head, it has reached it's current thinking capacity.
I deeply believe in the "divine appointment" theory. Yet, I don't understand just how we in our beings gather the courage to reach out. At the time when I met my best friend, I hadn't really any intentions of really branching out and getting to know her, or anyone in that class for that matter. Yet, something deep within me urged me forward to speak to her. My first impression was probably a little wacky, but I still did it. To this day I'm glad that my longing out played my fear. It was close, but it was totally worth it to have the five seconds of awkward laughter. Why? Because now, I've gained a lasting sister. The way I introduced myself to the guy I met at my church was telling him that he had really spectacular teeth. What did I get out of that? I got around five or ten minutes of awkward talking and it has forged the way for what is now one of my most foundational relationships ever. It's definitely still a mystery as to why I felt that compelled to talk to them. It's more of a mystery that they would experience that undoubted awkwardness and work through it...
I could keep going, but I need to rest my head, it has reached it's current thinking capacity.
Tuesday, September 23
Mystery
The mystery in Jesus Christ. It's not easy to explain, it's not easy to comprehend, it's just plain complex. He has done, is doing, and will do so much for this great planet if we would just surrender our all to Him. I proclaim that I will let Him work within me so that I can work among the world to show them the way. Anyways, it's just unfathomable how He lived for me, for you, for our failings, for our triumphs, for our joys, for our sorrows. What is harder to understand or grasp is this... He DIED, no, not lived... DIED for those very same things. Then He rose again, to prove that He was in fact the Messiah that God has sent from Heaven to Earth to save His people.
I am so blessed that I get to experience this earth. I am so blessed I have a Savior who sacrificed it all just to show me the real meaning of living life. I am so blessed that He has given me the mystery of His presence to fall more and more in love with. I am blessed He has given me spiritual gifts that are unique to me and me alone. I am blessed He gave me music. I am blessed that He has given me a family and friends circle that appreciates me. All by great mystery, I am blessed...
What a wonderful mystery.
I am so blessed that I get to experience this earth. I am so blessed I have a Savior who sacrificed it all just to show me the real meaning of living life. I am so blessed that He has given me the mystery of His presence to fall more and more in love with. I am blessed He has given me spiritual gifts that are unique to me and me alone. I am blessed He gave me music. I am blessed that He has given me a family and friends circle that appreciates me. All by great mystery, I am blessed...
What a wonderful mystery.
Wednesday, September 17
Don't let yourself be hurt this time...
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then I saw your face
Then I saw your smile
The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then your kiss so soft
Then your touch so warm
The stars still shine bright
The mountains still high
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
--
These song lyrics probably define how I feel about my situation with the boy lately. I am confident that time will tell all and I sit here patiently waiting that time when the final answer is revealed to me. I heed His call and I am to follow His will. I don't mind no, I love yes, but this wait is hard. I have a feeling that a brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. I'm just excited to see it, to feel it, to grasp it between my fingertips. I have new found passion for my writing, so be prepared to be rocked, and rocked frequently.
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then I saw your face
Then I saw your smile
The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then your kiss so soft
Then your touch so warm
The stars still shine bright
The mountains still high
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
--
These song lyrics probably define how I feel about my situation with the boy lately. I am confident that time will tell all and I sit here patiently waiting that time when the final answer is revealed to me. I heed His call and I am to follow His will. I don't mind no, I love yes, but this wait is hard. I have a feeling that a brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. I'm just excited to see it, to feel it, to grasp it between my fingertips. I have new found passion for my writing, so be prepared to be rocked, and rocked frequently.
Sunday, September 14
It's simple:
In order to honor Christ, we must believe in Him.
Last night at church wasn't revolutionary necessarily, but it transformed my basic knowledge of discipleship. John Bevere spoke of the basic knowledge that we should all have about Christ, but he put back into play the eternal aspect in a way I'd forgotten about. Now, looking at the church in general, I believe we've forgotten it as an entire generation. We put a lot of focus into Jesus, and His going up on the cross for our sins, but we forget that it doesn't end there. We forget that He ROSE up off that cross and ascended into heaven for all eternity. We forget that if we live our lives as true disciples with selfless faith that we as well are focused on the eternal and the little things we do now that compromise our integrity add up to a huge mistake later on down the road. Alright, so it was revolutionary. I'm still processing it actually.
Last night at church wasn't revolutionary necessarily, but it transformed my basic knowledge of discipleship. John Bevere spoke of the basic knowledge that we should all have about Christ, but he put back into play the eternal aspect in a way I'd forgotten about. Now, looking at the church in general, I believe we've forgotten it as an entire generation. We put a lot of focus into Jesus, and His going up on the cross for our sins, but we forget that it doesn't end there. We forget that He ROSE up off that cross and ascended into heaven for all eternity. We forget that if we live our lives as true disciples with selfless faith that we as well are focused on the eternal and the little things we do now that compromise our integrity add up to a huge mistake later on down the road. Alright, so it was revolutionary. I'm still processing it actually.
Thursday, September 11
Association: The Basics
Here's the short and sweet of the association you have. Association is just an eloquent way of saying the simplest thing. It's who you hang around with. It's who you spend your time with. It's who you call. It's who you live with. The funny thing is, no matter what, you are what you are around. You have people in your life consistently in jail, you're more than likely to end up there too. No matter how hard you try not to, you make small compromises until you come to the end of the road that you didn't want to be on in the first place.
There's good news here though. It's dissociation. You see, you can eliminate those people who compromise your integrity and value. You can choose to find positive and uplifting people who would rather see you excel versus fail. Hanging around with people who go to jail like it's the grocery store are not the people you want in your main circle of influence if you're trying to get out of jail. It's people who are doing well in life and have stability that you want to get around.
I hear from people frequently that they're not happy and that life always seems to be full of unnecessary drama. Then I take a deeper look at their association and I see people of similar mindset playing the biggest role on their own attitude. Even more interesting is that they have tons of positive people on the fringe, just waiting for things to break to sweep in and save the day. If they just moved those people to their closest circle, they'd be so surprised how quickly their lifestyle would change. SO surprised. I was. I am a testimony to that. I never had a friend in jail, but I had friendships and relationships that compromised my core identity and I didn't get rid of them, but I dissociated with it. It's been a wonderful transition for me that has given me a fresh start. Every day since April 26th of this year I've woken up with purpose. Woken up with value. Woken up feeling wanted and loved and desired. It's remarkable...
If this relates, check your association closely. Stick with the ones who build you up, let go of the ones that break you down.
There's good news here though. It's dissociation. You see, you can eliminate those people who compromise your integrity and value. You can choose to find positive and uplifting people who would rather see you excel versus fail. Hanging around with people who go to jail like it's the grocery store are not the people you want in your main circle of influence if you're trying to get out of jail. It's people who are doing well in life and have stability that you want to get around.
I hear from people frequently that they're not happy and that life always seems to be full of unnecessary drama. Then I take a deeper look at their association and I see people of similar mindset playing the biggest role on their own attitude. Even more interesting is that they have tons of positive people on the fringe, just waiting for things to break to sweep in and save the day. If they just moved those people to their closest circle, they'd be so surprised how quickly their lifestyle would change. SO surprised. I was. I am a testimony to that. I never had a friend in jail, but I had friendships and relationships that compromised my core identity and I didn't get rid of them, but I dissociated with it. It's been a wonderful transition for me that has given me a fresh start. Every day since April 26th of this year I've woken up with purpose. Woken up with value. Woken up feeling wanted and loved and desired. It's remarkable...
If this relates, check your association closely. Stick with the ones who build you up, let go of the ones that break you down.
Tuesday, September 2
Doesn't it hurt...?
Doesn't it hurt when you come to the realization you invested so much in something, so much into a relationship with someone...
and you come to find that you don't make the grade. That you don't make the final cut. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but the more I really grasp it, the more I think about how much I make this person a priority, not because I have to, but because I want to, and how they don't even consider me a part of their friends and good times. It honestly hurts me. I feel like crying insanely hard right now. I probably will later on just so I don't feel so tense and bottled up. Seriously though. This person says one thing, we have GREAT times, and I'm not even associated in their life outside our friendship.
It really, REALLY, hurts. I guess you learn the hard way sometimes. I love my connection with this person more than anything but it is worth it if I don't feel like I'm actually valued?
I don't want anything more than a solid friendship, a phone call, a true thank you for continually making my schedule mold to theirs, and genuine appreciation. It's not hard. It's a simple investment of a little bit of time. I just don't understand.
I'm not selfish, I'm just standing up for what I believe should be a decent friendship. I don't feel like it truly is. It's even got me thinking a horrible thought. That thought is right now I'm awfully close to leaving my opportunity because of it. My opportunity has become my passion and I really really want to see it grow, to see me grow, but I don't know how when the person who is supposed to be there with/for me the most, doesn't see me as what I thought they did.
I'm breaking down.
and you come to find that you don't make the grade. That you don't make the final cut. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but the more I really grasp it, the more I think about how much I make this person a priority, not because I have to, but because I want to, and how they don't even consider me a part of their friends and good times. It honestly hurts me. I feel like crying insanely hard right now. I probably will later on just so I don't feel so tense and bottled up. Seriously though. This person says one thing, we have GREAT times, and I'm not even associated in their life outside our friendship.
It really, REALLY, hurts. I guess you learn the hard way sometimes. I love my connection with this person more than anything but it is worth it if I don't feel like I'm actually valued?
I don't want anything more than a solid friendship, a phone call, a true thank you for continually making my schedule mold to theirs, and genuine appreciation. It's not hard. It's a simple investment of a little bit of time. I just don't understand.
I'm not selfish, I'm just standing up for what I believe should be a decent friendship. I don't feel like it truly is. It's even got me thinking a horrible thought. That thought is right now I'm awfully close to leaving my opportunity because of it. My opportunity has become my passion and I really really want to see it grow, to see me grow, but I don't know how when the person who is supposed to be there with/for me the most, doesn't see me as what I thought they did.
I'm breaking down.
Saturday, August 30
Late Nights and Veggie Crisps
I just spent four hours on the phone with the most beautiful, most wonderful, most spectacular person in the world. A friend that I haven't heard from in years. He and I traipsed our memories together and apart. He and I caught up on current life events, including the birth of his new baby girl Jordana Ashlee. He's raising this little girl all by himself because the mom has since passed on. He is moving back from Chicago sometime within the next few months. I think I would absolutely love that. This little girl has the best dad in the whole wide world. The way he talked about her is the way that I want my husband to praise our daughters and sons...
Anyways, the re-connection was incredible. He was nothing like I'd remembered him, but so much more. He found a faith in God. He found a love for life. He got the most wonderful little girl.
Anyways, it turned out to be a way late night, and I ate my way through a whole bag of Veggie Crisps, but I honestly don't care. It was probably one of the best phone conversations I've ever had with anyone. When he moves, I can't wait to be a part of his life, and little Jordana Ashlee.
Now, I go out in search of coffee and a sunrise. Even though I doubt the sun will peek through the clouds, but you know what? I'm alright with that. The sun kind of came out even in the darkest part of the night for me tonight.
God is good.
Anyways, the re-connection was incredible. He was nothing like I'd remembered him, but so much more. He found a faith in God. He found a love for life. He got the most wonderful little girl.
Anyways, it turned out to be a way late night, and I ate my way through a whole bag of Veggie Crisps, but I honestly don't care. It was probably one of the best phone conversations I've ever had with anyone. When he moves, I can't wait to be a part of his life, and little Jordana Ashlee.
Now, I go out in search of coffee and a sunrise. Even though I doubt the sun will peek through the clouds, but you know what? I'm alright with that. The sun kind of came out even in the darkest part of the night for me tonight.
God is good.
Tuesday, August 26
After the Glow Has Faded
You know the glow I talk about. It's that glow of a brand new friendship. It's that glow of a wonderful new beginning. Eventually that glow fades and a comfortable perfection takes its place.
Well, lately, there's been this friendship in my life that this glow has yet to fade. It still feels like that first cup of coffee that we shared on that day deep in the heart of March. It still feels like that smile that we exchanged in the hallways of my church during a musician summit. With that though, it has also achieved that comfortable perfection that I have only shared with three other people ever in my life. This person has helped me open my eyes. Not just a little, but fully awake and aware...
I am so thankful God has blessed me so deeply. I am so thankful.
In other news, I've been praying to God a lot about my jealous heart that has recently come out. I have no reason to feel jealous about anything or anyone yet I find myself deeply jealous. It's not cute. I am not a fan of myself when I get like this. Join my battle? Be on my prayer team?
Well, lately, there's been this friendship in my life that this glow has yet to fade. It still feels like that first cup of coffee that we shared on that day deep in the heart of March. It still feels like that smile that we exchanged in the hallways of my church during a musician summit. With that though, it has also achieved that comfortable perfection that I have only shared with three other people ever in my life. This person has helped me open my eyes. Not just a little, but fully awake and aware...
I am so thankful God has blessed me so deeply. I am so thankful.
In other news, I've been praying to God a lot about my jealous heart that has recently come out. I have no reason to feel jealous about anything or anyone yet I find myself deeply jealous. It's not cute. I am not a fan of myself when I get like this. Join my battle? Be on my prayer team?
Sunday, August 24
Casting...
Okay. Are you ready? I am about to explain one of my most comically accurate anecdotes to you. Sit down, relax, it's potentially going to make you laugh or it is potentially going to make you think. Perhaps even both. Buckle up. Either way, it's going to be a ride.
If life was a musical, I would honestly be the stage. I know right? It's already a laugh. I say this because I have found out from more than one avenue that I am foundational. I don't play a part, I am the platform for where others gather their courage and shoot it out into this wide world. I don't construct the set, I am the rock that the scene takes place from. I am not in the sound booth, working the rigging, playing with the lights, or fine-tuning the finished product. I don't make the programs and I don't take up a seat in the audience (very often). I am the structure that all the fun revolves around. I don't create it, the actors do, but I maintain it and I believe I do a wonderful job doing so. I can recite every line of every song because I have been through the learning process with the actors. I know where each prop should be and when exactly it should be used. I know who's up there making the final product sparkle. I know who's in the audience, which ones are impressed, and which ones are looking for the exit. I am stability. I'm never failing. An actor can break character, a set can fall over, someone could miss a lighting cue, someone from the audience could heckle, but me, I'm firm, I'm strength, I sustain. I'm there for the actor to briefly look down at and collect their thoughts again. I'm there for the piece of set to fall down on and have something to catch it. I use the sounds and lights all around me to help emphasize the beauty in the acting and stage set up...
Not only do I get to see that play or that musical. I have seen every musical or play that has crossed my stage. I'm not a director who comes and goes with a better play. I'm not an actor who sees a bigger paycheck and flees. I'm not a set, I'm never changing. I may have been refinished, or a new coat of paint put on me, but I still see what has been and what is to come.
Don't get me wrong. Each role is integral to the success of a play, but I take a slight edge pride about mine. I get to see, I get to feel, I get to be a part of every show. I get to be the platform people use to launch their passionate journeys.
I am the stage. What role do you play?
If life was a musical, I would honestly be the stage. I know right? It's already a laugh. I say this because I have found out from more than one avenue that I am foundational. I don't play a part, I am the platform for where others gather their courage and shoot it out into this wide world. I don't construct the set, I am the rock that the scene takes place from. I am not in the sound booth, working the rigging, playing with the lights, or fine-tuning the finished product. I don't make the programs and I don't take up a seat in the audience (very often). I am the structure that all the fun revolves around. I don't create it, the actors do, but I maintain it and I believe I do a wonderful job doing so. I can recite every line of every song because I have been through the learning process with the actors. I know where each prop should be and when exactly it should be used. I know who's up there making the final product sparkle. I know who's in the audience, which ones are impressed, and which ones are looking for the exit. I am stability. I'm never failing. An actor can break character, a set can fall over, someone could miss a lighting cue, someone from the audience could heckle, but me, I'm firm, I'm strength, I sustain. I'm there for the actor to briefly look down at and collect their thoughts again. I'm there for the piece of set to fall down on and have something to catch it. I use the sounds and lights all around me to help emphasize the beauty in the acting and stage set up...
Not only do I get to see that play or that musical. I have seen every musical or play that has crossed my stage. I'm not a director who comes and goes with a better play. I'm not an actor who sees a bigger paycheck and flees. I'm not a set, I'm never changing. I may have been refinished, or a new coat of paint put on me, but I still see what has been and what is to come.
Don't get me wrong. Each role is integral to the success of a play, but I take a slight edge pride about mine. I get to see, I get to feel, I get to be a part of every show. I get to be the platform people use to launch their passionate journeys.
I am the stage. What role do you play?
defined by my criminal state-of-mind.
I will not be defined by my criminal state of mind.
I will not be defined by any social statistic.
I am who I am. I am not who you want me to be.
I will call you back, just to be nice.
I won't fall in love with you, just because that's what you want.
I won't.
I will break beyond the limits, into limitless.
I will wear my lip gloss and I will wear it with no shame.
I will.
So we had a great night, but that's where it ends.
I will not be defined by any social statistic.
I am who I am. I am not who you want me to be.
I will call you back, just to be nice.
I won't fall in love with you, just because that's what you want.
I won't.
I will break beyond the limits, into limitless.
I will wear my lip gloss and I will wear it with no shame.
I will.
So we had a great night, but that's where it ends.
Wednesday, August 20
Where you find yourself...
I never thought I'd admit this, but I feel at this time in my life that it has finally become time. If I hadn't been raised in the Snoqualmie Valley, I would never have really gotten to know myself. I know myself now because I spent many days in the summer sun or the fall rain with a cup of coffee and thought. I thought a lot. Not just the whimsical things, but the truly deep and poignant things. Often those thought processes started with questions. Deeply theological or psychological questions at that...
Anyways, I found myself there, but today over lunch with a friend I found another part of myself. I always knew there was a reason for why I care so much. That reason is stability. I had so much of it growing up, but a lot of people don't. I have a mom, and a dad. I have a mom and a dad who just celebrated twenty four years of marriage. I have a brother who loves me. I have a brother who is my whole world. I have never moved around. I have always had a really great close friend circle. I've been provided for. I've been loved continually. I've been so blessed...
Back to the point. People need stability as much as they need water I believe. It's part of the human structure. We need a certain level of stability in order to, well, maintain order. Without a little routine and a little steady pace, stress occurs, or the opposite occurs, laziness. The problem with society today is we're heavily programmed to be spontaneous and extremely flexible with the world around us. While that's just fine on a basic level (like making last minute Friday night plans), I think it's difficult to be expected to live on everyone else's schedules. That said, we all do that. We are all trying to be flexible all while the people around us are doing that same thing. Eventually the flexibility becomes stressful because there's no routine, there's no structure.
I am a firm believer in routine because it provides a core. It defines where and how we function at our best. That way we can take experiences that fall outside of that routine and see how they stack up with our best self, or our best effort. There's always a learning process...
Where do you need routine? Where do you need structure? Where are you lacking in follow through? What's keeping you from maintaining good habits?
Answer those questions and you might be surprised where you find yourself. I definitely was.
Tuesday, August 19
Let the rhythm get under your skin.
I seem to be in the world lately. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad at all, but I've definitely been doing things a little differently lately. Such as writing this song...
-- Rhythm Under Your Skin --
Boys looking fly, girls looking fine
Music's pumping, we're standing in line
A flash of a smile and we're inside
The beat is pulsating, my hips start to grind
I look at you looking at me,
I can see you're nervous
Take my hand, lead me to the floor
I'm gonna show you my world and so much more
Let the rhythm get under your skin
Let the rhythm really sink in
Don't be afraid to lose control
Get a little bit closer
Whisper deeply into my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear
Please be mine, just this one night.
Cameras are flashing, it's one in the morning
It's time to shut it down, time to get going
Where ever you lead, boy that's where I'll go
Until the sun rises, then no more
Take the rhythm, let it sink in
Take the rhythm, capture it within
Let the melody consume your soul
Listen to that bassline, it's calling...
-- Rhythm Under Your Skin --
Boys looking fly, girls looking fine
Music's pumping, we're standing in line
A flash of a smile and we're inside
The beat is pulsating, my hips start to grind
I look at you looking at me,
I can see you're nervous
Take my hand, lead me to the floor
I'm gonna show you my world and so much more
Let the rhythm get under your skin
Let the rhythm really sink in
Don't be afraid to lose control
Get a little bit closer
Whisper deeply into my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear
Please be mine, just this one night.
Cameras are flashing, it's one in the morning
It's time to shut it down, time to get going
Where ever you lead, boy that's where I'll go
Until the sun rises, then no more
Take the rhythm, let it sink in
Take the rhythm, capture it within
Let the melody consume your soul
Listen to that bassline, it's calling...
Monday, August 18
When Something is Easy
If there's really such a thing as a self fulfilling prophecy, this is definitely one of them. Straight from the pages of one of my many old journals:
-- When Something is Easy --
January 18th, 2007
So, here it is, just into another new year. Eighteen days have gone by and as each one goes by and I feel like I fall a little bit further into something bigger than I can even comprehend. I know it's definitely Christ who is working within me, but I don't know why. He's setting me up for something great. I'm finding my eyes are opening up and I'm seeing things differently. I'm finding my perspective shift is a lot more drastic than I could imagine. I'm waking up with fresh dreams, not stale ones.
I definitely have my shortcomings but I know that I'm flawed because He wants me to be. I'm meant to find something that fixes the flaws, or fills the gaps. Let me tell you, whatever is coming, it's big. It's beyond just the slight earthquake deep in the heart. It's something comparable to a big tremor that shakes heart, soul, mind and body...
I'm being prepared to do great things. I'm being prepared to meet amazing people. I'm prepared to meet a core group of individuals who will help mold me into the successful person that I want to be. I'm going to be immersed in Christ in a whole new way soon. I am so exited for the pathway. It's going to be revolutionary.
That said, when something is easy, it's probably not worth the time. Now that's not to say don't try and succeed. I'm just saying the result will probably be less than desirable because you didn't have to work to be successful. You just had it handed to you. Whatever is on my horizon, I want to work for it. I want it to be something I cry, bleed, and sweat over. I want the challenge. I want a battle. I want to feel the fire on my cheeks. I want to feel like I just didn't get this handed to me like things have always been handed to me. I want to earn something for once in my life. I want it, and bad. Now, I just have to live up to the hype I'm setting for myself. I'm going to grab my vulnerabilities and race into the sunset and upon sunrise, wake up with a new purpose, a new vision, a new dream.
---
How's that for ridiculous?
-- When Something is Easy --
January 18th, 2007
So, here it is, just into another new year. Eighteen days have gone by and as each one goes by and I feel like I fall a little bit further into something bigger than I can even comprehend. I know it's definitely Christ who is working within me, but I don't know why. He's setting me up for something great. I'm finding my eyes are opening up and I'm seeing things differently. I'm finding my perspective shift is a lot more drastic than I could imagine. I'm waking up with fresh dreams, not stale ones.
I definitely have my shortcomings but I know that I'm flawed because He wants me to be. I'm meant to find something that fixes the flaws, or fills the gaps. Let me tell you, whatever is coming, it's big. It's beyond just the slight earthquake deep in the heart. It's something comparable to a big tremor that shakes heart, soul, mind and body...
I'm being prepared to do great things. I'm being prepared to meet amazing people. I'm prepared to meet a core group of individuals who will help mold me into the successful person that I want to be. I'm going to be immersed in Christ in a whole new way soon. I am so exited for the pathway. It's going to be revolutionary.
That said, when something is easy, it's probably not worth the time. Now that's not to say don't try and succeed. I'm just saying the result will probably be less than desirable because you didn't have to work to be successful. You just had it handed to you. Whatever is on my horizon, I want to work for it. I want it to be something I cry, bleed, and sweat over. I want the challenge. I want a battle. I want to feel the fire on my cheeks. I want to feel like I just didn't get this handed to me like things have always been handed to me. I want to earn something for once in my life. I want it, and bad. Now, I just have to live up to the hype I'm setting for myself. I'm going to grab my vulnerabilities and race into the sunset and upon sunrise, wake up with a new purpose, a new vision, a new dream.
---
How's that for ridiculous?
Believe.
believe. believe. believe.
I need to do this. I'm failing. I need to believe in my destiny. I need to harness the power of my dream. I am so beside myself right now. I wish I knew what the outcome was. Actually, no I don't. I just want to know the thought process on the other side at this exact moment. I want to feel the love that I hope is there. I want to know my loyalty isn't in vain. I want to have it reciprocated in a big way...
I think there's potentially some repressed feelings here. That's another essay for another day though.
I just need to believe. I need to believe that things will work themselves out.
I need to do this. I'm failing. I need to believe in my destiny. I need to harness the power of my dream. I am so beside myself right now. I wish I knew what the outcome was. Actually, no I don't. I just want to know the thought process on the other side at this exact moment. I want to feel the love that I hope is there. I want to know my loyalty isn't in vain. I want to have it reciprocated in a big way...
I think there's potentially some repressed feelings here. That's another essay for another day though.
I just need to believe. I need to believe that things will work themselves out.
Sunday, August 17
When you let jealousy invade...
I realized something today. Jealousy is stupid. Well, I knew that before. But what just happened today was absolutely entirely retarded. I wasn't just jealous (and believe me that is bad enough already), I was honestly and earnestly upset and disappointed and maybe even potentially angry. It's something I regret. After I gave my struggles and worries up to Him, I relaxed back into myself. I wish I could publicly speak out about the issue, but the thing is, I can't. It's just that lame. It's just that meaningless. It's just...
Oh how I wish I was actually important. How I wish it could be the way I want. How I wish I could really feel like I was a priority...
This is unfortunately the time of year when my depression surges, and it appears as if it's surging. This is extremely unfortunate. I'll make it out okay. I know I will.
Oh how I wish I was actually important. How I wish it could be the way I want. How I wish I could really feel like I was a priority...
This is unfortunately the time of year when my depression surges, and it appears as if it's surging. This is extremely unfortunate. I'll make it out okay. I know I will.
Saturday, August 16
Soaking in the Sun
Today was a perfect day. Spent with family, spent soaking in the sun. Spent just the way I wanted it. It's amazing how God hears what we have in our hearts and sends us into the situation we desire. It's equally amazing how much challenge I want in my personal life. I want to feel the heat of battle. I know I say this enough, too much in fact, but it's the truth.
Where's the fun in acquiring something with no work involved? Where's the sense of "Yes, I earned this!"? The celebration of achievement at that point becomes left behind...
I've had a whirlwind last few weeks, full of new and exciting challenges. Some in the sun, some in the inside of church walls, some while walking along the little alleyways in downtown Seattle. My mind has been really wrapping around structure again. My mind has finally landed on my causes. My mind is really engaging in these times of challenge.
There's so much this life has to offer and I really am excited for the day when I can say... "I earned this, I earned that, now let me pass it on." A lot of what I want is not really for me. It's for the people around me. It's for the many lives that I have and will impact. It's for the Kingdom. It's for the Son of the Father that I call God and Commander.
As I'm sitting here... I can't help but to think of the people who don't have dreams and mourn for them. My dreams are singularly the most important reasons I walk this earth. I have so much I want to get done for the Kingdom. I am His Daughter. I am in need of my Father. I need Him. I need His light. I need Him. It's all relative...
Anyways, I love you for reading this. I love you for being supportive. I love you for challenging me. I love you for you.
Where's the fun in acquiring something with no work involved? Where's the sense of "Yes, I earned this!"? The celebration of achievement at that point becomes left behind...
I've had a whirlwind last few weeks, full of new and exciting challenges. Some in the sun, some in the inside of church walls, some while walking along the little alleyways in downtown Seattle. My mind has been really wrapping around structure again. My mind has finally landed on my causes. My mind is really engaging in these times of challenge.
There's so much this life has to offer and I really am excited for the day when I can say... "I earned this, I earned that, now let me pass it on." A lot of what I want is not really for me. It's for the people around me. It's for the many lives that I have and will impact. It's for the Kingdom. It's for the Son of the Father that I call God and Commander.
As I'm sitting here... I can't help but to think of the people who don't have dreams and mourn for them. My dreams are singularly the most important reasons I walk this earth. I have so much I want to get done for the Kingdom. I am His Daughter. I am in need of my Father. I need Him. I need His light. I need Him. It's all relative...
Anyways, I love you for reading this. I love you for being supportive. I love you for challenging me. I love you for you.
Monday, August 11
tensions rising, heart palpitating
Girl:
Look at you, looking at me. In those eyes, a brazen reality has been made known to me. I keep fighting for your love, but you don't have any to give. Look at you, tensions rising, baby, can't you see it? Look at me, heart palpitating, palms sweaty, knees weak, head is heavy. The strange thing is we're locked in on radar. Two missiles, one target. Mine seems to be going a little quicker, perhaps to a target made up in my mind. Your missile seems to determined to wait, take it slow. I don't understand. What we have is reality baby...
Boy:
Hey girl, don't you see, you need to step up, step off, step back, step to me. Baby, I need you, want you, hate you, love you. The way your skin feels on mine, I can't help but want more and more, but the way you play with my mind has me screaming NO. Touch my lips with your fingertips, just one more time. Let your inhibitions free. I'm just here to have a good time, but could it be that you are for life? I don't know what's happening to me. I just need space...
Girl:
Come on, what are you waiting for? The perfect time to not walk through that door? Right now we're in your court baby, the next move is yours. Yes, that's it, graze my thigh just one more time. Unleash the fire inside. I want you to feel like I feel. I want you to love like I love. I want you like I know you want me. So let's just stop this blatant hypocrisy...
Boy:
Damn girl, you played the card and you played it well. All I know is I wanna know where this is going but I think we've already gone too far. The lights in this place dim, and the heat between us rises, rises, hits the ceiling. Bodies all around, but the only one I'm focused in on is yours. You stare at me, your eyes calling me, begging me. But my mind's pulling me back...
Girl:
There you go, doing your stupid circles again. Dance up on me. Make me feel the temperature rise in this place. The lights are flashing, the beat is addictive, the liquor is free-flowing, come on now, take me on a ride. I know you want to, you know you want me. I take your hand, and pull it away. I can't describe my own denial inside...
Boy:
We just got close again, we just got close again. Just a little bit closer, because I can't breathe without you near me. I love the way you look at me. I take your hand, you pull it away. So close, so far, I just want to be in your heart completely. Girl can't you see, no matter how stupid I am, I've fallen for you entirely. Kiss me with those perfectly glossed lips just one more time. Our bodies aligned with the rhythm of the music. Our hearts aligned with the same beat...
Girl:
I can't believe it, I've given in. One hundred percent, you've locked me in. You lead me to the center of the floor. Baby, it's just the two of us in this crowded room. Pulsating rhythms, liquid seduction in both of our veins. Dip me low, low, lower. Grind me harder, faster, stronger. I want to feel our bodies dripping, sweating...
Boy:
My body's loving what you're serving. Girl, hypnotic, that's what you are...
Girl/Boy:
Faded to black, commercial break, this is where the censor comes in...
Look at you, looking at me. In those eyes, a brazen reality has been made known to me. I keep fighting for your love, but you don't have any to give. Look at you, tensions rising, baby, can't you see it? Look at me, heart palpitating, palms sweaty, knees weak, head is heavy. The strange thing is we're locked in on radar. Two missiles, one target. Mine seems to be going a little quicker, perhaps to a target made up in my mind. Your missile seems to determined to wait, take it slow. I don't understand. What we have is reality baby...
Boy:
Hey girl, don't you see, you need to step up, step off, step back, step to me. Baby, I need you, want you, hate you, love you. The way your skin feels on mine, I can't help but want more and more, but the way you play with my mind has me screaming NO. Touch my lips with your fingertips, just one more time. Let your inhibitions free. I'm just here to have a good time, but could it be that you are for life? I don't know what's happening to me. I just need space...
Girl:
Come on, what are you waiting for? The perfect time to not walk through that door? Right now we're in your court baby, the next move is yours. Yes, that's it, graze my thigh just one more time. Unleash the fire inside. I want you to feel like I feel. I want you to love like I love. I want you like I know you want me. So let's just stop this blatant hypocrisy...
Boy:
Damn girl, you played the card and you played it well. All I know is I wanna know where this is going but I think we've already gone too far. The lights in this place dim, and the heat between us rises, rises, hits the ceiling. Bodies all around, but the only one I'm focused in on is yours. You stare at me, your eyes calling me, begging me. But my mind's pulling me back...
Girl:
There you go, doing your stupid circles again. Dance up on me. Make me feel the temperature rise in this place. The lights are flashing, the beat is addictive, the liquor is free-flowing, come on now, take me on a ride. I know you want to, you know you want me. I take your hand, and pull it away. I can't describe my own denial inside...
Boy:
We just got close again, we just got close again. Just a little bit closer, because I can't breathe without you near me. I love the way you look at me. I take your hand, you pull it away. So close, so far, I just want to be in your heart completely. Girl can't you see, no matter how stupid I am, I've fallen for you entirely. Kiss me with those perfectly glossed lips just one more time. Our bodies aligned with the rhythm of the music. Our hearts aligned with the same beat...
Girl:
I can't believe it, I've given in. One hundred percent, you've locked me in. You lead me to the center of the floor. Baby, it's just the two of us in this crowded room. Pulsating rhythms, liquid seduction in both of our veins. Dip me low, low, lower. Grind me harder, faster, stronger. I want to feel our bodies dripping, sweating...
Boy:
My body's loving what you're serving. Girl, hypnotic, that's what you are...
Girl/Boy:
Faded to black, commercial break, this is where the censor comes in...
Sunday, August 10
Orange Julius
It was a few days ago now, but I had one of the best days of my recent memory on Friday. I had beautiful wake up to sun rays beaming through the window, I grabbed my favorite cup of coffee in on the way to work, work went absolutely flawlessly, I got home and took a nap, then proceeded to take a wonderful shower, and then the real beauty of the day happened...
I got in my car, proceeded down the interstate 405 and ended up at Bell Square. Waiting for me was Andrew. We proceeded to have a beautiful dinner. We then walked around the mall. For the first time in what seems like years, there was no drama involved. It was just two people who happen to be friends and business partners sipping on Orange Julius, laughing and creating memories. I can't even recall the last time that I had a conversation with a friend that didn't involve any drama.
I'm so thankful for that. To the core of my being grateful. I needed that night more than I realized. I need nights like those more than I realize. I just need drama-free routine. That's it.
I got in my car, proceeded down the interstate 405 and ended up at Bell Square. Waiting for me was Andrew. We proceeded to have a beautiful dinner. We then walked around the mall. For the first time in what seems like years, there was no drama involved. It was just two people who happen to be friends and business partners sipping on Orange Julius, laughing and creating memories. I can't even recall the last time that I had a conversation with a friend that didn't involve any drama.
I'm so thankful for that. To the core of my being grateful. I needed that night more than I realized. I need nights like those more than I realize. I just need drama-free routine. That's it.
Friday, August 8
the sunset
the sunset turns to fire/ competing with the tides of hell
whoever will win this battle/ time will surely tell
rage on mother earth/ reveal your darkest demons to me
for with the One above/ i will take them all from thee
destroy these demons i will/ because with Him i have the power
i can see you from up on high/ in my God-protected tower
the thunder pounds like fists/ the lightning glints like steel
the forests are ablaze/ with the heat i can not feel
the rivers start to flood/ their banks becoming weak
the earth strongly shakes/ but you still think i am meek
what is now happening/ the sunset returning to calm
the heat you've sent to me/ i crush it in my palm
are you giving up/ or even giving in
realizing what i am/ and that is stronger than your sin
wait what is this i see/ the clouds disappearing
i am no longer seeing flashes/ thunder i am not hearing
the fires are subsiding/ i see you begin to fall
you've fought so hard so long/ in your strain you begin to crawl
the river banks are seen once again/ you now realizing who is stronger
the ground beneath me halts/ here i am still standing in God's armor
I have beat your games/ Seen your fiery lair
I know I played it well/ so don't go saying that it is not fair
but i take no credit/ for the greater One is most deserving
he is up there in the heavens/ reveling in my courageous serving
and here on earth i dance/ dance with pride and joy
for i have learned a lesson/ i am not just a toy
from this day on to ease the darkness/ i will transform into a beaming torch
Light the way i will/ to the Father in Heavens porch
it took me perseverance/ it took me strength of 10,000 feet
but without the Lord Almighty/ I may as well be lying in defeat
whoever will win this battle/ time will surely tell
rage on mother earth/ reveal your darkest demons to me
for with the One above/ i will take them all from thee
destroy these demons i will/ because with Him i have the power
i can see you from up on high/ in my God-protected tower
the thunder pounds like fists/ the lightning glints like steel
the forests are ablaze/ with the heat i can not feel
the rivers start to flood/ their banks becoming weak
the earth strongly shakes/ but you still think i am meek
what is now happening/ the sunset returning to calm
the heat you've sent to me/ i crush it in my palm
are you giving up/ or even giving in
realizing what i am/ and that is stronger than your sin
wait what is this i see/ the clouds disappearing
i am no longer seeing flashes/ thunder i am not hearing
the fires are subsiding/ i see you begin to fall
you've fought so hard so long/ in your strain you begin to crawl
the river banks are seen once again/ you now realizing who is stronger
the ground beneath me halts/ here i am still standing in God's armor
I have beat your games/ Seen your fiery lair
I know I played it well/ so don't go saying that it is not fair
but i take no credit/ for the greater One is most deserving
he is up there in the heavens/ reveling in my courageous serving
and here on earth i dance/ dance with pride and joy
for i have learned a lesson/ i am not just a toy
from this day on to ease the darkness/ i will transform into a beaming torch
Light the way i will/ to the Father in Heavens porch
it took me perseverance/ it took me strength of 10,000 feet
but without the Lord Almighty/ I may as well be lying in defeat
Monday, August 4
The Airport
You know what? I adore the airport. In all facets. I love watching reunions of separated soldiers and their families. I cry when I see a dad or mom leave their kids behind for an extended business trip...
I've been blessed to go on one trip this year so far. I went to Denver. That trip was laced in memories, both remembered and created. It's the first trip I've really taken on my own, and my goodness, it was exceptional. Minus the slightly confusing layout of Denver's airport, I had the best twenty-four hours...
Anyways, back to the airport life. I love getting up early to get there. I love the drive to the airport. It's about an hour, with no traffic, about twenty minutes longer with traffic. In that hour I pray that God guides my trip and places His wings on top of the wings on the plane. I shout His name to the music I'm listening to. I embrace the gorgeous sunrise that I get to witness. I get centered. I get prepared for the journey to teach me some new intricacy of life that I hadn't yet been exposed to.
I don't really know where this is going, other than the fact that I really want to fly again soon. Not even soon, I just want to fly frequently. I don't think I could ever get sick of flying. I should really become a flight attendant. That way I could at least be productive on flights. Well, reading God's Word is definitely important, but I want to contribute to the lives of others if at all possible...
I should really become a flight attendant. That may be the first time I've ever said that, or even thought that for that matter. Yet, somehow my heart really responds to that. How infinitely strange. Maybe I should investigate that possibility. I mean I would fly to many places for a living. I would constantly be interacting with people. I would be in a close-knit community of fellow flight attendants. It would be a great environment. I know it takes a certain mental edge and a lot of training but if I go at it with enough passion it could happen. Maybe I'll investigate the possibility...
I really am fascinated by airport. In fact, now that I really think about it, I want to incorporate myself into it. It seems like tonight has been a revelation.
I've been blessed to go on one trip this year so far. I went to Denver. That trip was laced in memories, both remembered and created. It's the first trip I've really taken on my own, and my goodness, it was exceptional. Minus the slightly confusing layout of Denver's airport, I had the best twenty-four hours...
Anyways, back to the airport life. I love getting up early to get there. I love the drive to the airport. It's about an hour, with no traffic, about twenty minutes longer with traffic. In that hour I pray that God guides my trip and places His wings on top of the wings on the plane. I shout His name to the music I'm listening to. I embrace the gorgeous sunrise that I get to witness. I get centered. I get prepared for the journey to teach me some new intricacy of life that I hadn't yet been exposed to.
I don't really know where this is going, other than the fact that I really want to fly again soon. Not even soon, I just want to fly frequently. I don't think I could ever get sick of flying. I should really become a flight attendant. That way I could at least be productive on flights. Well, reading God's Word is definitely important, but I want to contribute to the lives of others if at all possible...
I should really become a flight attendant. That may be the first time I've ever said that, or even thought that for that matter. Yet, somehow my heart really responds to that. How infinitely strange. Maybe I should investigate that possibility. I mean I would fly to many places for a living. I would constantly be interacting with people. I would be in a close-knit community of fellow flight attendants. It would be a great environment. I know it takes a certain mental edge and a lot of training but if I go at it with enough passion it could happen. Maybe I'll investigate the possibility...
I really am fascinated by airport. In fact, now that I really think about it, I want to incorporate myself into it. It seems like tonight has been a revelation.
Sunday, August 3
Lessons aren't necessarily big...
Lessons aren't necessarily these big grand slaps in the face. In fact some of the lessons that I'm learning lately are so subtle that they didn't exactly make themselves well known until after I'd learned them. I think that the biggest lesson that I'm learning right now is the lesson of negativity.
Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...
Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...
Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.
There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...
Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...
I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.
As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.
Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...
Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...
Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.
There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...
Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...
I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.
As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.
Thursday, July 31
The Smoke of Battle.
Do you have the Smoke of Battle?
The smoke of battle is the wounds, the scars, the stories of a long fought war. I'm beginning to pick mine up. I am absolutely loving that fact. I'm creating my story. I'm leaving my mark. I'm gaining marks.
Do you have a story? Is there a battle that you're winning? If so, I'm proud of you. If so, you're amazing. If so, you absolutely inspire me.
The smoke of battle is the wounds, the scars, the stories of a long fought war. I'm beginning to pick mine up. I am absolutely loving that fact. I'm creating my story. I'm leaving my mark. I'm gaining marks.
Do you have a story? Is there a battle that you're winning? If so, I'm proud of you. If so, you're amazing. If so, you absolutely inspire me.
Wednesday, July 30
traipsing
I'm all in my memory, trying to figure out just where you did your magic. I'm compelled deep within the fabric of our history, trying to figure out just what you mean to me. I'm sure it's nothing more or nothing less than the beauty of this friendship. I trust you, I hope you trust me, just enough to set yourself free. The wall around my beating heart is that of the wall of Jericho, it's begs and pleads for the sound of your call. I just want the wall to come crumbling down. The wall to come crumbling down. I've been running away from you for so long the blisters on my feet have formed their own blisters. I've been crawling to you for so long that my knees bleed and bleed. I can't deny what I'm feeling anymore, I am hitting the ground running, I'm gonna come back for more. I love you more than life, and I'll do anything to shed the light. To let you see, just how much that you truly mean to me. You are my inspiration. You're on fire, I'm on fire for you. How do we make it true?
Monday, July 28
Portland and reconciliation of the heart.
I was just across the border in Oregon. It's a beautiful city called Portland. I was there for a Family Reunion. I absolutely love the corporation that feeds my business and I hope that as I write about my weekend that I can edify it, just a little bit.
I heard from many different people from many different walks of life with very different stories. I laughed hysterically, I cried monumentally. Every person who spoke made their business what it is because they made a decision. They made the decision to go CORE. It really revealed to me just how successful the CORE system really is...
I am preparing to do the same. I am preparing for life-changing experiences. I am ready to transform my life.
The word dynasty was thrown around a little bit this weekend. I like that word. I want people to see a Porter dynasty. I want the people I help to help people. I want to selflessly serve these people until my knuckles bleed. My first step is getting the Attalah's organization to explode. My next step is to get the Schuman's organization to explode. The final step is to get my organization to explode. The step after the final step is to help each and every one of my personally sponsored individuals to get their organizations to explode. The cool thing. Is if I complete even one of these steps, I've done what I wanted.
Absorbing all of this information this weekend was critical for me. I am still in the processing mode. Every sentence that was said carried extreme validity. Every major point was like a mini revelation on my heart.
Another cool thing that I observed was that this environment is the kind of environment when things really happen. Everyone carried themselves with esteem and confidence, negativity just didn't exist, and everyone was connected by the same common thread. That thread was DREAM. We all have dreams, while they're different dreams, they're all dreams. The thing that's different about the people in that arena and the rest of the world is that we make them happen. We don't just dream of that car, or that house, or that relationship, or that vacation for the family, we make it reality. With sacrifice at the front comes a wonderful reality in the end.
Everything that I do now, I do it for my future. The way they said it this weekend was really poignant to me. "Dig your well before you're thirsty." It was probably said forty times by five or six different people and each and every time it was said it sunk in just a little deeper. I need to be ready to sacrifice. I should be confident in each sacrifice I take as well...
Every decision I make, I make it with His guidance, my upline's guidance, and my heart's dreams...
There's no other business that lets it's people dream. There's no other business that maintains friendships before fiscal success. There's no other business where those around you selflessly serve you to make your business more successful. There's no other business where your direct counsel is those who have been successful in the business already. There is no other business where love is integral to success. I also believe in my opinion that there's no other business where His hand is laid upon it more.
I am so blessed to have gotten an invitation into this wonderful world. It's the biggest opportunity for me to make my dreams a real thing.
That said, my heart took a proverbial beating this weekend. I have reconciled with a lot of my past because of that, and I will continue forward with my future. My deeply wonderful and amazingly awesome future. I see so much potential all around me. Now it's up to me to actually go out and grab that future and make it reality. It's up to me to see the world around me change. I know I can do it. I have the most amazing association all around me, I have a dream, and I have a fire deeply implanted in my heart. I am absolutely on fire.
I heard from many different people from many different walks of life with very different stories. I laughed hysterically, I cried monumentally. Every person who spoke made their business what it is because they made a decision. They made the decision to go CORE. It really revealed to me just how successful the CORE system really is...
I am preparing to do the same. I am preparing for life-changing experiences. I am ready to transform my life.
The word dynasty was thrown around a little bit this weekend. I like that word. I want people to see a Porter dynasty. I want the people I help to help people. I want to selflessly serve these people until my knuckles bleed. My first step is getting the Attalah's organization to explode. My next step is to get the Schuman's organization to explode. The final step is to get my organization to explode. The step after the final step is to help each and every one of my personally sponsored individuals to get their organizations to explode. The cool thing. Is if I complete even one of these steps, I've done what I wanted.
Absorbing all of this information this weekend was critical for me. I am still in the processing mode. Every sentence that was said carried extreme validity. Every major point was like a mini revelation on my heart.
Another cool thing that I observed was that this environment is the kind of environment when things really happen. Everyone carried themselves with esteem and confidence, negativity just didn't exist, and everyone was connected by the same common thread. That thread was DREAM. We all have dreams, while they're different dreams, they're all dreams. The thing that's different about the people in that arena and the rest of the world is that we make them happen. We don't just dream of that car, or that house, or that relationship, or that vacation for the family, we make it reality. With sacrifice at the front comes a wonderful reality in the end.
Everything that I do now, I do it for my future. The way they said it this weekend was really poignant to me. "Dig your well before you're thirsty." It was probably said forty times by five or six different people and each and every time it was said it sunk in just a little deeper. I need to be ready to sacrifice. I should be confident in each sacrifice I take as well...
Every decision I make, I make it with His guidance, my upline's guidance, and my heart's dreams...
There's no other business that lets it's people dream. There's no other business that maintains friendships before fiscal success. There's no other business where those around you selflessly serve you to make your business more successful. There's no other business where your direct counsel is those who have been successful in the business already. There is no other business where love is integral to success. I also believe in my opinion that there's no other business where His hand is laid upon it more.
I am so blessed to have gotten an invitation into this wonderful world. It's the biggest opportunity for me to make my dreams a real thing.
That said, my heart took a proverbial beating this weekend. I have reconciled with a lot of my past because of that, and I will continue forward with my future. My deeply wonderful and amazingly awesome future. I see so much potential all around me. Now it's up to me to actually go out and grab that future and make it reality. It's up to me to see the world around me change. I know I can do it. I have the most amazing association all around me, I have a dream, and I have a fire deeply implanted in my heart. I am absolutely on fire.
Thursday, July 24
Headphones and Late Nights.
Yesterday was interesting to say the least. I was with my new friends at Starbucks last night. Essentially, it was me and five guys, ranging in age from twenty-one to probably forty. It was the most awkward thing to have someone try to convince me that masturbation was like drinking as far as pleasure goes. He also was trying to convince me that I should try it. We even played around with concept biblically. So yeah...
It's interesting the way the world works today. The guys just laughed and I sitting there, not offended, just absorbing this conversation...
Upon recommendation, I'm reading "The Grace Awakening." It's actually been quite transforming. Speaking of transforming, I'm excited for this weekend. I'll be in Portland the next few nights. I'll be dreaming bigger and loving harder than ever before.
It's interesting the way the world works today. The guys just laughed and I sitting there, not offended, just absorbing this conversation...
Upon recommendation, I'm reading "The Grace Awakening." It's actually been quite transforming. Speaking of transforming, I'm excited for this weekend. I'll be in Portland the next few nights. I'll be dreaming bigger and loving harder than ever before.
Monday, July 21
Abstraction.
I tend to think very abstractly. I don't find any fault in that, but I do have one qualm. I can never immediately be a logical thinking individual. It just doesn't quite compute within me to think through something with logic. I think I feel like this because a big part of me believes that logic takes away critical emotion that I believe is necessary in order to rationally make a decision. Logic is about taking already programmed steps in order to come to a decision. Being emotionally connected to that decision is then forgotten. The problems then arise. In that decision where emotion is left of the wayside, someone could get hurt, and the decision maker forgets his/her responsibility in the process making them ignorant when the hurt party comes forward...
This is where human nature has increasingly been failing. We forget that with our decision comes responsibility over that decision. Then when everything happens, and we are "exposed" as the "guilty" party, we deny that we ever had any involvement when really we were the sole decider in the matter. Then, as more and more people begin to point out the guilty party who made the decision, they get extremely defensive and in most cases find an excuse to run away and find a new group of association. This group of association is easily manipulated because the guilty party can be overtly deceiving in the way they talk to gain the trust of the new association...
The plot thickens from there too. Now the guilty party is caught in a full-fledged lie. They must keep lying from that point on because if one inconsistency in their story arises, they will have been exposed. Had they just been honest about the first situation, they would not be in this one. Chances are they even would have been forgiven and life would have moved on and the relationship would have been maintained and maintained well...
What happens if they get caught in their lie? What happens when that inconsistency is revealed? Not only did they lose their first group of association, they now lose their new group of association and there is very little they can do to get that back because of the circumstance that it was lost. Trust is very key, especially in a new group or relationship. If trust isn't established quickly it becomes harder to earn...
Now, if you throw in honest emotion from all sides, the conversation tends to open up, and people tend to become honest in their actions. People express instead of repress and that leads to reconciliation. Reconciliation leads to reconnection. Reconnection then leads to re-establishment of the lost relationship.
Anyways, back to being logical. While it's good on a math page, and great in the decision making process, it's absolutely critical not to forget the emotion... Without it, the logic, well it can't be completely logical.
This is where human nature has increasingly been failing. We forget that with our decision comes responsibility over that decision. Then when everything happens, and we are "exposed" as the "guilty" party, we deny that we ever had any involvement when really we were the sole decider in the matter. Then, as more and more people begin to point out the guilty party who made the decision, they get extremely defensive and in most cases find an excuse to run away and find a new group of association. This group of association is easily manipulated because the guilty party can be overtly deceiving in the way they talk to gain the trust of the new association...
The plot thickens from there too. Now the guilty party is caught in a full-fledged lie. They must keep lying from that point on because if one inconsistency in their story arises, they will have been exposed. Had they just been honest about the first situation, they would not be in this one. Chances are they even would have been forgiven and life would have moved on and the relationship would have been maintained and maintained well...
What happens if they get caught in their lie? What happens when that inconsistency is revealed? Not only did they lose their first group of association, they now lose their new group of association and there is very little they can do to get that back because of the circumstance that it was lost. Trust is very key, especially in a new group or relationship. If trust isn't established quickly it becomes harder to earn...
Now, if you throw in honest emotion from all sides, the conversation tends to open up, and people tend to become honest in their actions. People express instead of repress and that leads to reconciliation. Reconciliation leads to reconnection. Reconnection then leads to re-establishment of the lost relationship.
Anyways, back to being logical. While it's good on a math page, and great in the decision making process, it's absolutely critical not to forget the emotion... Without it, the logic, well it can't be completely logical.
Sunday, July 20
The Fire...
I am so on fire. I just got back from one of the most inspirational talks of my entire life. Bradley Duncan. That man knows how to shoot fire straight into my bones and deeply within my heart. It's so childish to say this... but he is so cool! He's got it all going on. He's absolutely wonderful. His message is powerful. Most importantly, his dream is real, alive, and well. He's a multi-multi millionaire giving me his two cents on how he got there, yet, he wasn't paid a dime to show up. He chose fully to share his fire with us, on his own time. I am inspired. I am on fire. It will be the most amazing two days next weekend. Spending it with dreamers from all walks of life who are dreaming their dreams like I'm dreaming mine. With passion and with fervor...
Passion. Fervor.
Passion. Fervor.
Saturday, July 19
Capturing Revelation.
Yes, capturing revelation. I believe it's one-hundred percent possible to attain revelation through prayer and patience combined. Answers, like most things don't necessarily present themselves like a rainbow in the sky. You don't know when it's coming, what your reaction will be, or how to achieve ideally the result you desire. A rainbow needs a very specific set of events to occur. You need rain, you need sun, you need the rain to fall, you need the sun to shine, both at the same time, but most importantly you need to be looking in the right direction. Whereas an answer can come in any form, at any time, in any place, it can even be covered with another face.
I don't know but lately I've been seeking far more answers than I'm getting and I think there's definite reason for that. I haven't been seeking the Lord's favor like I should be. I've been slipping in ways that I thought were far behind me. I've been tragically informed by the masses of people around me that I'm not as put-together as I thought I was.
I'm a girl with desires and dreams and I've been failing to make them reality. I've not been trusting God with the few things in my life that I constantly see myself failing in. I yearn for consistency. I yearn to be understood. I yearn for people to understand me, and where I've come from. I year for deep love that can't be mistaken. I yearn for revelation. I'm just yearning for answers to my questions.
I can't do that without going to the altar. I know what I need to do. I need to run too the altar and beg in His name that I will be redeemed of my selfishness and my pride. I have one desire and He knows exactly what it is. Now I pray that I stop obsessing over it. I pray that he helps me to achieve this wonderful thing. I have such a strong feeling that this could be the real deal. I just wish that the other side knew and felt the same way. Perhaps with proper discipline and obedience, I may acquire the dream. I have to reach for it. I don't think I would have held onto it for so long if I didn't think that something could come from it.
I don't know but lately I've been seeking far more answers than I'm getting and I think there's definite reason for that. I haven't been seeking the Lord's favor like I should be. I've been slipping in ways that I thought were far behind me. I've been tragically informed by the masses of people around me that I'm not as put-together as I thought I was.
I'm a girl with desires and dreams and I've been failing to make them reality. I've not been trusting God with the few things in my life that I constantly see myself failing in. I yearn for consistency. I yearn to be understood. I yearn for people to understand me, and where I've come from. I year for deep love that can't be mistaken. I yearn for revelation. I'm just yearning for answers to my questions.
I can't do that without going to the altar. I know what I need to do. I need to run too the altar and beg in His name that I will be redeemed of my selfishness and my pride. I have one desire and He knows exactly what it is. Now I pray that I stop obsessing over it. I pray that he helps me to achieve this wonderful thing. I have such a strong feeling that this could be the real deal. I just wish that the other side knew and felt the same way. Perhaps with proper discipline and obedience, I may acquire the dream. I have to reach for it. I don't think I would have held onto it for so long if I didn't think that something could come from it.
Love is a loaded gun and my trigger finger lingers.
I've been listening to those lyrics lately and they are actually starting to hit home.
"Love is a loaded gun and my trigger finger lingers."
I'm deeply involved with love by my faith, but I'm not experiencing in full the Love I should be.
It goes on to say these words which tear at my core. "Kind words, just a bullet in a chamber. Big talk but nothing's ever changing. Take aim, but never making my mark. Love can change a world but it's gotta start with my heart."...
Needless to say I feel slightly convicted because I don't think I've done a very good job... showing the love that I know that I have in my heart. In general I believe I'm doing well. In general I believe that I am making sure that I don't lose myself through it all. But I have so much that I could show this world within my love through my love and with my love. It is extraordinarily possible that I have the ability to go ahead and do it. You know, transform my life by transforming other people's lives.
This song speaks from a very real place in my life and well as the singer, Chris Sligh, and I think it should be played in churches everywhere. To remind us, that we are the love that the world so desperately thirsts for. Boy are we thirsty. Each day I look at the news, and I see the world and it's current state and I get nervous. I get nervous that the undercover movement I see within the church won't ever take the blanket of security off and actually make a transformation in the lives around them. Including myself. I feel like I've been seeking shelter underneath this security blanket called the church for years. I need to go out there and proclaim my faith. Deeply, devoutly, disciplined, and full of desire. I finally feel secure in my faith enough that I should have been speaking his name fluently for years now, but I still sit still. Deeply still. Underneath the thinking that I haven't been gifted in that way. I am though. I know I am. I can do this. I just, I almost get scared. Almost, but honestly, I haven't any excuse to be this scared. I have it. I know I do. I know the words because I believe them.
Chris Sligh, you have my heart hurting and my head turning. Thank you for providing the musical intercession I needed. I definitely needed it. I pray that this conviction only grows and my heart continues to pound in my chest. It's a wonderful feeling that can't be replaced with anything. Love. Love. Love. LOVE.
"Love is a loaded gun and my trigger finger lingers."
I'm deeply involved with love by my faith, but I'm not experiencing in full the Love I should be.
It goes on to say these words which tear at my core. "Kind words, just a bullet in a chamber. Big talk but nothing's ever changing. Take aim, but never making my mark. Love can change a world but it's gotta start with my heart."...
Needless to say I feel slightly convicted because I don't think I've done a very good job... showing the love that I know that I have in my heart. In general I believe I'm doing well. In general I believe that I am making sure that I don't lose myself through it all. But I have so much that I could show this world within my love through my love and with my love. It is extraordinarily possible that I have the ability to go ahead and do it. You know, transform my life by transforming other people's lives.
This song speaks from a very real place in my life and well as the singer, Chris Sligh, and I think it should be played in churches everywhere. To remind us, that we are the love that the world so desperately thirsts for. Boy are we thirsty. Each day I look at the news, and I see the world and it's current state and I get nervous. I get nervous that the undercover movement I see within the church won't ever take the blanket of security off and actually make a transformation in the lives around them. Including myself. I feel like I've been seeking shelter underneath this security blanket called the church for years. I need to go out there and proclaim my faith. Deeply, devoutly, disciplined, and full of desire. I finally feel secure in my faith enough that I should have been speaking his name fluently for years now, but I still sit still. Deeply still. Underneath the thinking that I haven't been gifted in that way. I am though. I know I am. I can do this. I just, I almost get scared. Almost, but honestly, I haven't any excuse to be this scared. I have it. I know I do. I know the words because I believe them.
Chris Sligh, you have my heart hurting and my head turning. Thank you for providing the musical intercession I needed. I definitely needed it. I pray that this conviction only grows and my heart continues to pound in my chest. It's a wonderful feeling that can't be replaced with anything. Love. Love. Love. LOVE.
Tuesday, July 15
Judging by the shoes you wear...
So, not that I am superficial or anything remotely near it, but those shoes you wear...
They're something special. They elate me. They come as close to turning me on as I would imagine it feeling. I don't doubt I've felt sexual energy at all, I just haven't actually been so "on" that I needed someone there and now. Your shoes are delicious. They're made from the finest materials and the detailing of a true poet...
Yes, I judge people by the shoes they wear sometimes. When it happens however it's mostly guys shoes I judge. If they're old and well taken care of, they are typically sentimental. If they're new and abused, chances are they liven an extremely care-free life and maybe even come across as egotistical because of that. If they're anywhere in between, they potentially have achieved a proper balance, perhaps even in all aspects of life. If they run a sport shoe, well, I betcha they're a sporty individual.
Anyways, back to you and your shoes. They are just downright sexy. Especially paired with that sexy (oh gosh yes) pair of jeans and that washed one-time-too-many faded tee shirt. You look absolutely fantastic. The more I look, the more I like, and the more I want. Especially when you talk. Especially the way you walk. Everything about you. God, dear God you are absolutely beautiful. Perfect, perhaps.
You take good care of your shoes, so I wonder boy, yeah, you, could you take good care of me too? I doubt you would ever want to, but the thought is extremely rooted in my mind. Somewhere between him and him, the thought of you excites me, thrills me, because you're something new, something great, something true.
We're on the verge of something wonderful. I just wish you'd march in those shoes over here and tell me that too.
They're something special. They elate me. They come as close to turning me on as I would imagine it feeling. I don't doubt I've felt sexual energy at all, I just haven't actually been so "on" that I needed someone there and now. Your shoes are delicious. They're made from the finest materials and the detailing of a true poet...
Yes, I judge people by the shoes they wear sometimes. When it happens however it's mostly guys shoes I judge. If they're old and well taken care of, they are typically sentimental. If they're new and abused, chances are they liven an extremely care-free life and maybe even come across as egotistical because of that. If they're anywhere in between, they potentially have achieved a proper balance, perhaps even in all aspects of life. If they run a sport shoe, well, I betcha they're a sporty individual.
Anyways, back to you and your shoes. They are just downright sexy. Especially paired with that sexy (oh gosh yes) pair of jeans and that washed one-time-too-many faded tee shirt. You look absolutely fantastic. The more I look, the more I like, and the more I want. Especially when you talk. Especially the way you walk. Everything about you. God, dear God you are absolutely beautiful. Perfect, perhaps.
You take good care of your shoes, so I wonder boy, yeah, you, could you take good care of me too? I doubt you would ever want to, but the thought is extremely rooted in my mind. Somewhere between him and him, the thought of you excites me, thrills me, because you're something new, something great, something true.
We're on the verge of something wonderful. I just wish you'd march in those shoes over here and tell me that too.
Sunday, July 13
Absolutely
God is full of absolutes. This is monumental in my faith today. This entry won't be very long, or very "deeply" written but it is monumental. He is always absolute. In His walk, in His way, in His truth, in His light. He IS absolute...
I can't comprehend how it happens, but God really works at my heart as I sit alone amongst a group of people. I sit here in the Starbucks location that I so frequently visit and I am compelled by the faith that I live in, to achieve bigger, to dream larger, to believe stronger. I don't know how or why, but it is the way it is because that's the way God intended for me to receive it. The people talk around me, and I could actively be a part of the conversation, but I have been told that I am not to interject right now. I am supposed to absorb...
It's just drifted to the Lord's salvation and I am deeply processing. It's time for me to jump back in. It's time for me to inherit the lesson I'm supposed to learn. I thank God for the new people in my life in this moment. I thank him for the ones who have been there. I thank HIM for giving me the life I lead....
Ephesians 6:18
I can't comprehend how it happens, but God really works at my heart as I sit alone amongst a group of people. I sit here in the Starbucks location that I so frequently visit and I am compelled by the faith that I live in, to achieve bigger, to dream larger, to believe stronger. I don't know how or why, but it is the way it is because that's the way God intended for me to receive it. The people talk around me, and I could actively be a part of the conversation, but I have been told that I am not to interject right now. I am supposed to absorb...
It's just drifted to the Lord's salvation and I am deeply processing. It's time for me to jump back in. It's time for me to inherit the lesson I'm supposed to learn. I thank God for the new people in my life in this moment. I thank him for the ones who have been there. I thank HIM for giving me the life I lead....
Ephesians 6:18
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