Feel the Sting...

I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.

I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.

He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.

He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.

What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.

I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.

I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.