Hello, Baby.

Hello, Baby. ~~

You're all over the news, people (boys and girls) chasing you
Winning awards, dazzling them with your smile
Secretly you hope it'll just make them stay around awhile
Longer, you yearn.
For acceptance you crave...

You go from glittered runway to red carpet event
Just praying it's time well spent...

Pretending you're happy,
Pretending you're in love,
Pretending you're content...

Hello, baby! You don't need a red carpet to impress me,
I just need one glance into your eyes.
I don't need to hear about your newest car,
I just wanna look at the stars,
Lying next to you.
Hello, baby. I'm right here.

You're the newest scandal in the tabloids tonight.
Did you hear it? Is it too much? Can you breathe?
If you need a place to be free, be free around me.
That girl on your arm, is she real?
Is she better? Is she just publicity?
When are you gonna see, feel, believe...
That the only thing real in this world is between you and me!

Hello, baby! You don't need a red carpet to impress me,
I just need one glance into your eyes.
I don't need to hear about your newest car,
I just wanna look at the stars,
Lying next to you.
Hello, baby. I'm right here.

Tell me, is she real? Does she feel you like I do?
Tell me, how far away from the fame do you wanna run?

Just stop pretending that you're happy, that you're in love, that you're content...
You're not fooling the press.

~~ Song translation and in-depth analysis available upon request.

Feel the Sting...

I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.

I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.

He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.

He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.

What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.

I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.

I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.