Lessons aren't necessarily big...

Lessons aren't necessarily these big grand slaps in the face. In fact some of the lessons that I'm learning lately are so subtle that they didn't exactly make themselves well known until after I'd learned them. I think that the biggest lesson that I'm learning right now is the lesson of negativity.

Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...

Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...

Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.

There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...

Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...

I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.

As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.

A Flash in the Pan

So, originally this entry had been very angry in direction, but I see the error of my way. Anger solves nothing. And in fact, the night worked out perfectly...

Yet, the question still remains...

Am I just a flash in the pan? Is there something more to this that just hasn't been unveiled?

There was a weird tension between us today. Maybe it was the glitter in his eyes or the fact that for the first time I stepped onto what would be deemed "his territory." Our energies seemed to flawlessly combine. Yet there was tension...

I'm no longer angry, in fact, I'm seeking. He is a brilliant person that I'm so grateful for and so blessed by. I pray God continues to bring us closer, so that we may count the stars, and see the world together.

I feel like God's got something mighty up His sleeve... There's a tangible mischievousness about His way lately.

Have I forgiven?

Today, I went and checked out a new church. Not because Overlake is boring or anything even remotely along those lines, but because a friend also wanted to check out this church. It was an interesting service. It wasn't exactly friendly, but what was inspiring was the family feel coursing through the congregation. It kind of made it seem like once you were on "the inside" then all of the warm-fuzzy feelings flowed freely. Don't get me wrong, I got no bad vibrations from this church, it just seemed like you needed to be on the inside to be accepted with open arms. The one thing that had me completely riveted was the intensity of the pre-service prayer and the celebratory worship. This congregation worships in the exact style that I have been seeking for for a long time. It was a place you could truly worship in your own way. Be it on your knees, quietly sitting and mouthing the words, speaking in tongues, mouthing the words on your knees, jumping around, hands lifted, shouting praise, singing, praying in your prayer language, weeping, dancing, or even standing still as rock. Whatever your style, it's freely accepted here and very obviously encouraged.

Anyways, the message did a really good job of conveying something that really isn't talked about. The wonderful pastor talked about the realm of forgiveness.

Do you remember that you can't really be part of God's kingdom if you haven't forgiven your enemies of their trespasses? It's in the Lord's prayer even. You know, the one that lies in the book of Matthew? It really made me focus on all my past trials with all the people around me and within my life. Have I forgiven everyone for the missteps they've made? Have I truly forgiven the people in middle school who used to tease me so badly I got off the bus crying more than once a week? Have I truly forgiven the guys that I trusted to keep my heart safe and didn't? Have I forgiven the friends who've stood me up, even just that one time? I could go on forever with examples. I also came to a realization. I haven't truly forgiven some of these people. I know it's weird, but in some cases, I even feel like I haven't forgiven God. That's weird, because He is eternally forgiven. I guess what you could say is that I have held a slight grudge against Him. That's not right at all. I have no right to do that. At all. Anyways, it just made me realize that I need to get on my knees and truly let go of all the things that people have done to me. Not just the things, but the people too. I need to forgive the people too.

Trying to wrap myself around God's forgiveness is still a lost battle though. It will never be understood.

Remedy

He is the remedy. He is the band aid. He is the one I need to build a better relationship with. I'm tired of going to church to go for the social life. Pursuing God is about loving His people and following Him, not using His people as a filler for my life. My life is full. My life is vibrant. It's all because He chose the path that I have in store. I need to run to Him. I need to be the Christian He wants me to be.

HE IS THE REMEMDY FOR A SICK SOUL

I am nothing.

I just realized that today. But not in the sense that you would think. I am nothing. I mean things to people, I mean things to God. But I've locked up my real gifts so deeply within me I have no idea where to begin unraveling the string that ties the package together. It took a conversation from a surprising person on a hot night on a set of stairs. It was amazing. Now, I must begin that process, because quite frankly I love what I am deep within my core. I am beautiful. I am unique. I am made by the Creator of the universe. I should be embracing that beauty and the skills that I have been so graciously given. I am ready to begin my transformation.