Zephaniah 3:17

Zephaniah 3:17 contains some of the most poetic and resonating words in Scripture in my opinion and my personal walk. The passage reads like this in the New International Version.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

It doesn't get any more awesome than this. Well, He always finds a way to surprise me, but it is as beautiful to my ears as a perfect symphony. He is always with us, in every valley, on every mountain-top, in every flood, in every drought. He makes no move to leave.

On another subject, I mistyped a word I had written earlier today. The word was "relationships" but I accidentally typed "realationships." It got me thinking. I then questions. What does a "Real"ationship look like? I think it looks something like a chocolate cake with a touch of icing and a slightly imperfect filling that throws off the taste just a little amount. You see, it's got the superficial layer, it's got the depth layer, and it's got the secret layer. It represents the three levels of friendship. The acquaintance level, the friend level, and the best friend level. If you get to the middle layer you know more about them than their job and the car they drive. And if you get to that innermost layer, you've entered the world where the fault lie. Trust has been established. Secrets have been told. REAL has happened. It's actually wonderfully constructed. The social wiring God has designed in us. Go into your own circles and see just what I'm talking about. Find your healthy balance. Each of us has a different one of those. But all of us are wired to be together in fellowship and friendship with others.

August Rush

So, it's August's midpoint. I feel awful that I haven't written in so long but my writing's have been totally for myself lately. Coming in and out of these phases is not easy. Because I feel like I should write to you, but I also feel like I need to honor my God. Not just when I feel like it, but all the time. Lately, I feel like in order to honor Him that I've needed to step back from everything that satisfies me to see what satisfies Him for my life. I started to really trust a new friend last night. Not just a little, a lot. He has been a very strong presence in my life. I'm putting my trust into him because I feel like he is putting his trust into me. It's pretty cool if you ask me. Anyways, that is what has been pulling me away from the screen. Honest, true, and authentic relationship community is what we all long for and with this new friend, I think I have found a missing part to my community.

feel; for one more day

As I sit here, it's 1:23 in the morning. I have no idea why I'm up. I went out tonight, but didn't feel like I normally do when I go out. In fact, I came back home early. I could describe it as a good night, but there was something unequivocally uninteresting about it. Perhaps it's because I didn't drink. Perhaps it's because I didn't really socialize. All I know is that I didn't feel it, at all...

Which worries me.

I'm such a social butterfly that getting a chance to go out and see a ton of people who are more than willing to talk back at me truly excites me. However, this night was about reconnecting with close friends, and remembering how incredibly blessed that I am to have them. Later on on what is now today, one more of these blessings comes in from his home in Baton Rouge. And later on tonight we'll be celebrating our friendship by going a million and one places in my beautiful Seattle hometown. Yet, tonight, I just wasn't feeling like doing that whole bar scene. I was so annoyed with it that I did, I made everyone get up, and come home at about 11:30. Here, where we're all on our laptops, sipping wine, flipping through photo albums, reminiscing on the pure moments, laughing at the dramas, singing to the music that brings us together, now this, this where I want to forever be with these wonderful friends. This is what feels right. Every one else even agrees that coming home was a great idea. This is content. This is pure. This is love.

At 2:45 tomorrow, a piece of the puzzle comes in, to complete it just a little bit more. I can't wait. I am so blessed that I call for help and the troops arrive. I know I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, and on the flip side, it's amazing to know that they do the same.

I think it would be awesome to live within the same eight blocks as these people, but it's nice that we're kind of spread out. Honestly. It makes the time that we do get to share together that much more special. I learn not to take it for granted. I learn that it's something unique. I learn the value of relationships. I learn how to maintain good communication. It's a really great set-up if you ask me. Yes, it's heartbreaking every time someone gets on a plane to go back home. Yes, it hurts when they start to pack. That's when I wish for one more day. For one more day of this sweet perfection. One more day of crazy conversations, sunset chasing, sunrise chasing, spontaneous coffee runs, midnight walks, and general excitement. It is then that I remember that either I'll be going to see them in a few months, or they'll be back in a few months...

Speaking of sunrises, we've just committed to seeing whatever sunrise we get this morning, while sipping champagne and eating waffles. Yes, because we're quirky, and yes, because that's how we roll, and yes, because we're perfect.

Holding onto what is easy...

Losing the easy things in life is a lot harder than it seems. Why? Because they're easy. They come naturally. They're just... easy. I'm learning that the easy things are the things that aren't worth it. Why? Because I didn't sacrifice in order to gain. I didn't lose in order to see...

I like working for the things I love the most. Mainly I love working at relationships. I don't like the good ones handed to me. I like some element of challenge. I have that in all my close relationships. Granted, I love stability, but I like to fight for love. Jesus fought for love. I think I should too...

In other news, it's gotten pretty cold here in Seattle. It's nice. I can bring out the layers and scarves and cute skull caps again. It's not quite cold enough for the caps yet but I can feel it on the horizon. In a strange way, I love the cold. It reminds me that I can be vulnerable and lean on something if I need to. It's great.

I'm slipping into an old habit again... It's not necessarily good. But it feels so right that it can't be wrong. Well, I know it's wrong. But it feels so good. Liquid poison is definitely flowing freely through my veins...

Mystery Part II

Continuing on about the mystery of God I have landed on a point that some would call obvious. We are so deeply wired to be part of healthy and fulfilling relationships. That said, we're also deeply called to usher people closer to His kingdom. I can't even imagine myself not being in community, and I mourn for those who close themselves out intentionally. What the mystery to me is just how we connect, and how random these connections are. I take my three closest friends as examples. My best friend I met because I just had to tell someone that the music theory teacher was pretty good looking. My closest guy friend I met in an online fan community. My other really great guy friend, I met at a summit at my church. Three very different circumstances, but the relationships are all very vital to my success in life. These three beautifully constructed meetings have done so much for me. They encourage me, they lift me up, they provide for me, they laugh with and at me, they help me, and most of all, they continually help me to remember that God's love for me is real. Why? Because they selflessly represent Christ to me. I think the biggest thing that shows me this is that they all know my imperfections and they love me even more for them...

I deeply believe in the "divine appointment" theory. Yet, I don't understand just how we in our beings gather the courage to reach out. At the time when I met my best friend, I hadn't really any intentions of really branching out and getting to know her, or anyone in that class for that matter. Yet, something deep within me urged me forward to speak to her. My first impression was probably a little wacky, but I still did it. To this day I'm glad that my longing out played my fear. It was close, but it was totally worth it to have the five seconds of awkward laughter. Why? Because now, I've gained a lasting sister. The way I introduced myself to the guy I met at my church was telling him that he had really spectacular teeth. What did I get out of that? I got around five or ten minutes of awkward talking and it has forged the way for what is now one of my most foundational relationships ever. It's definitely still a mystery as to why I felt that compelled to talk to them. It's more of a mystery that they would experience that undoubted awkwardness and work through it...

I could keep going, but I need to rest my head, it has reached it's current thinking capacity.

Don't let yourself be hurt this time...

Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time

Then I saw your face
Then I saw your smile

The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?

Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time

Then your kiss so soft
Then your touch so warm

The stars still shine bright
The mountains still high
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?

Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love

--

These song lyrics probably define how I feel about my situation with the boy lately. I am confident that time will tell all and I sit here patiently waiting that time when the final answer is revealed to me. I heed His call and I am to follow His will. I don't mind no, I love yes, but this wait is hard. I have a feeling that a brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. I'm just excited to see it, to feel it, to grasp it between my fingertips. I have new found passion for my writing, so be prepared to be rocked, and rocked frequently.

Association: The Basics

Here's the short and sweet of the association you have. Association is just an eloquent way of saying the simplest thing. It's who you hang around with. It's who you spend your time with. It's who you call. It's who you live with. The funny thing is, no matter what, you are what you are around. You have people in your life consistently in jail, you're more than likely to end up there too. No matter how hard you try not to, you make small compromises until you come to the end of the road that you didn't want to be on in the first place.

There's good news here though. It's dissociation. You see, you can eliminate those people who compromise your integrity and value. You can choose to find positive and uplifting people who would rather see you excel versus fail. Hanging around with people who go to jail like it's the grocery store are not the people you want in your main circle of influence if you're trying to get out of jail. It's people who are doing well in life and have stability that you want to get around.

I hear from people frequently that they're not happy and that life always seems to be full of unnecessary drama. Then I take a deeper look at their association and I see people of similar mindset playing the biggest role on their own attitude. Even more interesting is that they have tons of positive people on the fringe, just waiting for things to break to sweep in and save the day. If they just moved those people to their closest circle, they'd be so surprised how quickly their lifestyle would change. SO surprised. I was. I am a testimony to that. I never had a friend in jail, but I had friendships and relationships that compromised my core identity and I didn't get rid of them, but I dissociated with it. It's been a wonderful transition for me that has given me a fresh start. Every day since April 26th of this year I've woken up with purpose. Woken up with value. Woken up feeling wanted and loved and desired. It's remarkable...

If this relates, check your association closely. Stick with the ones who build you up, let go of the ones that break you down.

traipsing

I'm all in my memory, trying to figure out just where you did your magic. I'm compelled deep within the fabric of our history, trying to figure out just what you mean to me. I'm sure it's nothing more or nothing less than the beauty of this friendship. I trust you, I hope you trust me, just enough to set yourself free. The wall around my beating heart is that of the wall of Jericho, it's begs and pleads for the sound of your call. I just want the wall to come crumbling down. The wall to come crumbling down. I've been running away from you for so long the blisters on my feet have formed their own blisters. I've been crawling to you for so long that my knees bleed and bleed. I can't deny what I'm feeling anymore, I am hitting the ground running, I'm gonna come back for more. I love you more than life, and I'll do anything to shed the light. To let you see, just how much that you truly mean to me. You are my inspiration. You're on fire, I'm on fire for you. How do we make it true?

Judging by the shoes you wear...

So, not that I am superficial or anything remotely near it, but those shoes you wear...

They're something special. They elate me. They come as close to turning me on as I would imagine it feeling. I don't doubt I've felt sexual energy at all, I just haven't actually been so "on" that I needed someone there and now. Your shoes are delicious. They're made from the finest materials and the detailing of a true poet...

Yes, I judge people by the shoes they wear sometimes. When it happens however it's mostly guys shoes I judge. If they're old and well taken care of, they are typically sentimental. If they're new and abused, chances are they liven an extremely care-free life and maybe even come across as egotistical because of that. If they're anywhere in between, they potentially have achieved a proper balance, perhaps even in all aspects of life. If they run a sport shoe, well, I betcha they're a sporty individual.

Anyways, back to you and your shoes. They are just downright sexy. Especially paired with that sexy (oh gosh yes) pair of jeans and that washed one-time-too-many faded tee shirt. You look absolutely fantastic. The more I look, the more I like, and the more I want. Especially when you talk. Especially the way you walk. Everything about you. God, dear God you are absolutely beautiful. Perfect, perhaps.

You take good care of your shoes, so I wonder boy, yeah, you, could you take good care of me too? I doubt you would ever want to, but the thought is extremely rooted in my mind. Somewhere between him and him, the thought of you excites me, thrills me, because you're something new, something great, something true.

We're on the verge of something wonderful. I just wish you'd march in those shoes over here and tell me that too.

Absolutely

God is full of absolutes. This is monumental in my faith today. This entry won't be very long, or very "deeply" written but it is monumental. He is always absolute. In His walk, in His way, in His truth, in His light. He IS absolute...

I can't comprehend how it happens, but God really works at my heart as I sit alone amongst a group of people. I sit here in the Starbucks location that I so frequently visit and I am compelled by the faith that I live in, to achieve bigger, to dream larger, to believe stronger. I don't know how or why, but it is the way it is because that's the way God intended for me to receive it. The people talk around me, and I could actively be a part of the conversation, but I have been told that I am not to interject right now. I am supposed to absorb...

It's just drifted to the Lord's salvation and I am deeply processing. It's time for me to jump back in. It's time for me to inherit the lesson I'm supposed to learn. I thank God for the new people in my life in this moment. I thank him for the ones who have been there. I thank HIM for giving me the life I lead....

Ephesians 6:18

Unreal.

It's June now? June. Now. It's already June. Alright, now that we have established that it's June where do I go from there?

Here.

It's June. Man, I said it again. It's unreal that it's June. I feel obligated to write some huge deep blog about it but all I can fathom is the fact that it's June. Things are moving so quickly right now and it feels amazingly wonderful.

It's definitely exciting to be me right now. I broke up with my boyfriend on May 27. This time it's for real. He crossed one of the three lines I hold fast to. Since then, there's already been two guys that have piqued my interest. Two totally different kinds of people, yet, they both understand and get me in the same ways. It's strange yet it makes me feel absolutely wonderful. I'm not ready for either of them to express interest but I am absolutely loving getting to know them.

Well, here's to June! I salute you!