I don't know

Like so much of my writing before this, I'm starting on yet another empty page. More importantly, and most critically, I'm also starting on a completely blank mind. So, we'll see if I can still write.

Lately, my life has been somewhat of a sad song. It's all because of some poor decision making of my own. I tried to be the strongest person I knew for the people around me. The tower of strength so to speak. While doing that I failed, yes, failed, to encounter my own decisions rationally and emotionally. I made some serious mistakes, and I broke a heart. My own. More importantly, I also let down my Savior. The one who paid the ultimate price. The one who died and rose again so that I may live on this earth as free from the bondage of my sin. Yet, in my fog, I totally disrespected Him. If there were ever a time in my life after salvation that I feel like I hit rock bottom. This would be it. From it stemmed this writing, a lyrical response to my salvation. Which now I know the true value of. Because of the rock bottom, I now know how strong and mighty He is and just how strong a sacrifice His life was for me. I am totally and completely shocked at my own behavior, but now is my chance for redemptions song to sing from my heart, carried on the breath of heaven...

Pandora-

It was a lazy Friday afternoon,
Just chilling listening to some Miley Cryus tune,
Then he called, the boy called,
Took my heart just one second to fall...

And say yes, yes, yes to Pandora
I should've been shouting Gloria
But I said yes, yes, yes to Pandora,
And away I went...

Driving in the pouring rain,
Accelerating a little bit faster to get to him,
My heart starts pounding, driveway in view,
The power of this stumbling block I never knew...

And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!
And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!

Took my hands, and said sweet things,
Turns out they were just above nothing,
My pulse raced, hands gripping the chair,
In my head I was made painfully aware...

That I needed to run away
But I stayed, etranced by my shame...

I should have run from Pandora
I should have screamed Hosanna
I should have sung out Gloria
I should have screamed Hosanna

The Heart Scars

You whisper coldly into my ear
Sending shivers, feeling too familiar
Breath on my neck, hot, sweet breath
I don't know what kind...
But it makes an everlasting memory...

The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
Your melody along the keys
Drives me to the verge of insanity

You touch my shoulder, my heart races
You slide your fingertips down to mine
You come to chorus, confessing your sin
As you begin...

The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The addictive refrain you sing
Pushes me towards the verge of delirium

You build the chords, speeding through time
Wanting more than the music is willing
More than the spirit contains...
Lost in the passion, the chorus of desire
You continue to assault the keys of my heart
Through the the movements of your fingers

The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The rhythm you carry,
Brings me to my knees unwillingly

Tracing, racing, bracing for a reality
Once unrealized, cruel brutality
You've weakened me, drawn me in
Placed kisses upon my virgin skin
I want to let go, I want to give in
Your sweet, sweet melody...
Has brought upon you an unhallowed sin

The way the heart scars and scars, but you don't ever stop
The way the soul cries and cries, but you don't ever think twice
The way my arms bled and bled, bled for the shame I felt
As you took me into your melody
As you played a sweet melody
As you tortured my soul
You knew you had power, you knew you had control.

Bodies shifting, the moonlight dancing upon our skin
You make me do things I don't want, yet I can't get enough
I tell you "no", tears cascading from my eyes
You see the fear and it only persuades
The melody to come faster

I plead again "please, please, no", shaking in shame
You step back, the melody fades
The chords become sad and forgiveness they beg
You grab me suddenly, the chords booming again
You kiss me, the waves crashing upon the keys
You let me go, begin to say...

I don't give you a chance, I run away...

The way my heart scarred over you...
The way my soul cried for relief of you...
The way my arms bled because of you...
Yet I still can't help but be drawn in,
Your rhythm intoxicating, your chords perfectly arranged,
Your melody enchanting, your attractiveness never left

But like every good song, this one's reached its end
You've never come back, but you and your melody
Are forgiven.

The old me still resounds within me.

I was cleaning out my room and came across an old journal and this particular (among a few others I'll be posting throughout the coming weeks) struck me.

Dated: September 19th, 2005

The skies are overcast and the smell of freshly cut grass invades my senses. So many walks of life surround me. Some painfully rich. Some painfully just making ends meet. Some old, some just on the brink of growing up. Different colors of skin. Different accents on their tongues. Strangely though, they're all like me. Human, and just trying to fit in. Girls with long hair and twelve dollar tubes of lip gloss, and guys in their dark rinse jeans, dark glasses, and cornrows. Each having something to offer from fashion tips to religious music choices to the best new recipe out there. I scream diversity and turn heads. After all, I'm just like them. Just trying to fit in.

The feel of Glass hearts.

Have you ever felt as if your heart was glass? So fragile. So intricately laced. Lately, mine has felt interestingly complete. Just days ago it felt as if I was shattered. Still dealing with close family friend deaths, family deaths, and a friend passing away, I had lost central sight of who I was, where I was, and what was around me. In a sense I had become numb to everything. I still am skating on that line a little I think. Making very sure I don't trip the alarm. The people around me have been so comforting, loving, and truthfully if it weren't for them, I'd still be sobbing in my sleep.

I guess what I'm saying in the midnight hours tonight is that instead of my heart looking like this:



It looks like someone who lives a blessed life. I am so thankful.

Silence Follows.

Silence follows the broken hearted
Silence haunts the shattered lives...

Live in loudness cascading all around,
Teach the world to sing in all the storm.

Where would we be without a little song in our heart?
Where would you be without the loving embrace of chords in stereo?

Silence follows the ones who break hearts
Silence haunts the ones who shatter lives.

Let it go, let the music SURROUND you...
Let it go, let the rhythm OVERWHELM your being,
Take in the melody just one more time...

Forgive those who need forgiveness indeed.
Repair those who need repairing indeed.

If you let it the music will heal you, will calm you, will restore you.
Open your eyes through your ears,
See the world, with no more fears...

Take a chance, let the chorus preside in grand fashion
So you may know...

That silence doesn't always have to follow your broken heart like a police chase on the freeways of life.
That silence doesn't have to haunt you as you leave the pieces of your glass heart shattered on the floor.

Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND.
Trust yourself, and trust in the song.

Bold harmonies take away the tears
Trust.
Walk where the silence cannot follow. Live where the silence cannot haunt.

Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND!

Unbelievable You

You, with those nice leather shoes
You, with those beautiful baby blues
You cut me like you'll never know
With this pain, away I go...

Funny thing is, I'm sure I'm already alright...
I may be aching but I'm not running into the night...

You asked me why I tore down our castle in the sky
It's because I found out I wasn't the only queen in your life...
And now you're sad because you had it all
Now you're with nothing and nowhere to fall.

Creepin' round and round, you slide through the club
Bam, you like the way they hit, but all the do is leave you love drunk
And all I ever did was do my best to fill your cup...

Holy One (Adonai)

I feel Your fire, breathing in my lungs
I feel Your love, bleeding out my veins...
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for saving my soul

Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek

I feel Your grace, cascading from the Heavens
I feel Your beat, in the deepest part of my heart
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for calling me Home

Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek

Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You set my heart free
Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You let me see

Thank You, for saving my soul
That You, Adonai, for calling me Home

Overdrive

My mind is on overdrive
One look at You sets my soul on fire
I don't wanna hide
From Your love (I can't deny, I feel it)

My mind is on overdrive
Every breath I take magnifies desire
I don't wanna hide
From Your heart (I can't deny, I need it)

No matter what I do
I can't stop loving You
No matter what I say
Your arms are where I wanna stay

Here my feet stand planted
on the Rock that is Your love
Here my hands stay steady
on the words, sent from above

Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
Your love truly satisfies
Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
You love makes me come alive

August Rush

So, it's August's midpoint. I feel awful that I haven't written in so long but my writing's have been totally for myself lately. Coming in and out of these phases is not easy. Because I feel like I should write to you, but I also feel like I need to honor my God. Not just when I feel like it, but all the time. Lately, I feel like in order to honor Him that I've needed to step back from everything that satisfies me to see what satisfies Him for my life. I started to really trust a new friend last night. Not just a little, a lot. He has been a very strong presence in my life. I'm putting my trust into him because I feel like he is putting his trust into me. It's pretty cool if you ask me. Anyways, that is what has been pulling me away from the screen. Honest, true, and authentic relationship community is what we all long for and with this new friend, I think I have found a missing part to my community.

Starbucks (Logo Transformed)

So, as I sit here I laugh at the days previous hilariousness. Yes, I was fortunate to get a front row seat to it too. I went out by myself, in a place I only knew existed because it's always an answer on the "Name the 50 State Capitals" quiz. I was in search of a familiar sign. One that is tattooed into the very fabric of American culture. More in depth, in the Pacific Northwest it comes like water, and are more frequent than stoplights almost. The Starbucks logo. It's become a stereotype because it's become expected that everyone is fully fluent in the language. In the venti, grande, breve, latte language...

Anyways, that's not what this is about, it's about how I went out in search of one of these sacred, especially in the Emerald City, cups and instead of the logo that has been emblazoned on my heart, all I saw was your face calling back to me. I need you in my life. I yearn for you in my life. I need all of you in my life. you absolutely, entirely, and totally complete me. I don't feel like me and my days are complete without you. They are so perilously long without you. I am so grateful for you. I love you, with my whole heart, and nothing less.

While it was Raining...

While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, fears set aside.

I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...

---

Tonight, I was blessed with a sunset of a different kind. It had just finished storming, and through the clouds, just a thin layer of clouds separated me and a "perfect" sunset. Normally, I'd stare at awe of the color of this particular sunset, but this one captured me. It had a subtle meaning behind it that I'm glad I picked up on...

My storm isn't over. My trial isn't over. I'm just beginning. Now the real work begins. I have work to do. I have things to get done. Someone (a certain spiritual force, I'm lead to believe) doesn't want me to succeed. Yet, I will battle through. I will rise through the wind and create a bigger force than it can ever bring. I have the cross. I have my Jesus. I have my God. I have the spirit inside. I have the spirit of success. I believe in fighting for a dream and I believe that I'm finally tasting what a "test" feels like in this particular realm...

Anyways, back to the moral of this sunset, I found the meaning... No matter what is in the way of my Jesus. I can still see Him. Though Ge may not be as clear, or as present as I think He should be, He is definitely there, fighting for me, fighting for my success, fighting right beside me on my team. He plays offensive with me, He plays defense with me, He plays coach to me, He plays the Audience of One to cheer me on.

I know that there are so many clouds in my sky right now, but I know that this day's sunset has refreshed in my a new faith. A strong faith. A faith that sparks, sizzles, and is ready to set others on fire. Yes, normally I'd wait for the stubborn clouds to disappear, but I'm going to try something new. I'm going to fight through the clouds so I break the boundary of Earth and perhaps touch the very bottom of Heaven. At least get as close as I can.

---

While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, and embrace

I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...

Purify My Heart [Blood of the Lamb]

Jason Upton's lyrics are blazing through my headphones right now... They go like this:

--
Not Ashamed

Jesus I long to be holy
Jesus I long to be real
In a world of broken people
So many need to be healed
Purify my hands to hold them
Purify my heart to burn with devotion
For You, Lord Jesus, for You

I’m not ashamed of Jesus
My Lord my Lover my Friend
The power to cleanse and redeem us
Is in the blood of the Lamb

Oh how the mighty have fallen
Buried in their filthy rags
Father please turn from your anger
My lips will boast of your ways
Cause, it’s all in the blood of the savior
It’s all in the love that you have for You’re son
And I believe, in Jesus, I believe
--

Over the last few days this song has hit me particularly hard. I haven't been affected by a song so deeply in forever. It's awesome to know that my emotional side is definitely coming back. I'm feeling again. Granted, some of the feelings I'm feeling are clearly unfortunate, I do believe that I'm feeling them because I need to come back to my Jesus. I've not been the best lately. Like, really. I've made the turn around, but yes, not the best. At this moment I feel so unworthy of God's love. At this moment, I feel like I don't deserve any of the gifts I've received. Yet, His grace is within me. To Him, I give my future. As long as it may last. I need to, I have to, I'm dying with out Him. Dying. I cling to Him. I should never have run.

A Taste of the Old Life

Today was a great day. Filled with childhood laughter and grownup tears. I work with the most bright young minds and today they reminded me, and helped me to learn something. Live with childlike faith.

What does that mean to me? Well, it means something plainly obvious yet deliriously overwhelming. I need to really learn how to laugh at the mistakes I make. I need to dwell on their consequences. I need a period of time in which to reflect. Most importantly though, I need to move on after I have learned the lesson. Not just say I've learned the lesson. But truly learn it. Much like a child learns that for every lego they don't pick up, that's one more minute of outside time they don't get. It's so startlingly simple that it frightens most adults into a stage much like the one I'm experiencing right now.

Rebellion.

That said, I do believe I'm done rebelling for quite some time now, leaning towards, well, forever. I've had my "fun" which turns out, isn't fun with some of the physical, and more deeply mental effects that they've had. Now it's time to focus on what really is a passionate thing and make it reality. It's time to grow up again. It's time to hit that next ball out of the park. It's time to really dig in and make those commitments to people and things that I've sworn I'd make so many times before. I just can't live without my purpose anymore and now I'm back. Re-doing my goal lists, my dream sheets, my trust circles. I'm re-doing it all. So that after this next part of my growth, I come back who I am supposed to be. A driven, successful, achieving woman of strength and integrity. I know I have it in me.

I deserve to have fun. But, I need to really get into focus. Into "the zone" if we're going to throw a cliche` in this late July night. I'm worth so much more than what I think I am. I have so many people who are influenced by me. So many people. I can't let them down. Not again. Not this time.

Childlike faith. I can see this through. Childlike faith. Because I believe in You. Childlike faith. I can achieve all things!

Fighting the Downward Spiral

So, lately, I've been doing things the wrong way. Totally and completely. My moral compass isn't even in my pocket, or on my person anymore. I left it back where I left my integrity. I feel like I've lost a battle I didn't even know I was in. It's definitely an interesting place. Now that I'm aware, I've taken measures to ensure that I get back on the right track. Some of these little points are hard to take and will be extremely frustrating at times, but I do believe that there is a reason for the backslide. I make no excuses for my actions, I knowingly have screwed up. Knowingly. I accept that into the deepest parts of my heart. I acknowledge it. I have gone before the altar to ask that He come back into this heart which so desperately craves for Him. I was using things to fill that void. Senseless, obscene, blatantly stupid things. I somehow thought that it could be better... I was wrong.

I'm now actively fighting the downward spiral, pressing onwards, forwards, and marching through whatever challenge comes my way. Like a bloodied soldier, gravely injured on the front line of war, I'm weary, beaten, defeated. Yet, I won't give up pressing on in the face of challenge. I must walk across enemy lines and take back that which they have stolen from me, or that which I gave up thinking it wasn't valuable.

My integrity, while at a low point, is still extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

My moral obligation to maintain high standards is extremely valuable. I need to go that back.

My ability to control how much alcohol I consume is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

My ability to see that I am worth so much more than I let myself think I am is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

That's what I gave the enemy. What I believe they stole from me was my focus, my passions, my drive, and my emotion. Which, meant I was not only willing to let the other side take advantage of my weakened position that I damned near signed the legislation allowing it.

I just wish... that I didn't fall victim to the downward spiral. I had no idea how hard it would be to rise above it a second time. It's proving to be very hard. Yet, somehow I know, deep within me, that I'll rise to the occasion and let Him have control again. I got caught up in the lifestyle. The boys, the drinks, the clubs, the nightlife, the late nights. I love them. I'll never stop. For right now though, I may have to so that I may find my center, my course, my life again. I knew where I was going, I had fun on my derailment, now it's time to get back on the train called success.

It's time.

(Stop Writing) Fairytale Ending

Stop writing the script to our
To our fairytale ending
Baby it doesn’t exist because of you
You hurt me, cut me, don’t fight the truth…

So they said we’d be together until the end of time
You started crawling with a different queen
And when you got caught, you never came clean.

Stop writing the script to our fairytale ending
Stop pretending you’re my knight in shining armor.
You thought you had me, baby you thought wrong.
Now, I’d rather kiss the frog.

My mind flies back to a late November night
Our bodies writhing, sensual delight
You thought you had it made, a queen and a princess to play
But you got caught and now you have to pay

It’s time to rewrite this script to our fairytale
For you it’s turning into quite the nightmare
I put your pretty rhymes up for sale
And your other queen no longer cares… So…

Stop writing the script to our
To our fairytale ending
Baby it doesn’t exist because of the failed prince
You played with the wrong royal court

Nothing Like An Orlando Sunrise

Walking along the coastline in Miami
Cool breeze in my hair
Though I'm happy where I am...
Orlando is calling me home.

I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...

I like the nightlife, the boys are fine
The drinks are strong, the beat is right
However I yearn for when the time
When real comfort is mine.

I just wanna walk the sidewalks of Orlando
Instead of the boardwalks in Miami
I wanna run where my heart goes
Instead of hide deep inside me...

I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...

You're My Excuse

You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do.
You're my excuse for the all sin that I pursue.
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing you.

Boy I caught you in the club
Like a disease spreading worldwide
The way you caressed my cheek
Liquid courage aside
I felt the fire deep within me heart
I danced up on you,
With nothing to hide...

You're my favorite damn excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the reckless sin I pursue
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing...

You spin my head right round as my morals
Fall straight to the ground,
Yes my pastor told me to take the high road
But my heart tells me to be bold.
You took my hand and led me past the velvet ropes
Took me for drives to see the city scopes
Baby can't you see you're driving me crazy
I just wanted you for one night, now...

You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the sin that I pursue
I know you're bad, so damn bad, but I can't stop chasing you

Listen Up.

Over the last few months, I've really been stuck. Hesitant. Almost guilty...

I keep going back to it, but the writing isn't happening. I can sit on blank page now and truly not be able to put anything down on it. I'm sad about it because now I'm beginning to figure out why.

I'm absolutely and completely torn away from my faith right now in a lot of ways. Carelessly I've let the ties that bind me to my true happiness and true faithfulness fall apart like crumbled sidewalk after a flash flood. I see a lot of the old habits that destroyed me creeping back into my life. Not brashly, not abrasively mind you. They're coming back intricately, seemingly invisible for the most part. The thing is, I don't see it until after it's effectively placed itself into my hands and my realm of influence and my life.

I do know after my conversation with a brilliant mind, on what could only be defined as a perfect date, I am filled with a lot of hope, a lot of joy, and a lot of work. He broke me out of the cage I was building around myself. Well, with God as the Commander of course. The talk brought out a few very specific needs that I have.

I need to go back to church. I need to limit how much, or specifically, where I go out and who I go out with. I need to trust my initial heart about things more. I need to run from what compromises my heart and my goal in this life. I need to put God back into my life. Not just as a section of my beliefs, but as the encompassing being that I direct my life to and through.

I have met some extraordinary people within the last month. Extraordinary. Yet, they're not extraordinary how I need them to be. They have that pretty smile, but they have an empty heart. They call me back, yet have nothing to teach me. I need the people around me to feed me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to embrace my faults. Not run when they find out something about me that doesn't vibe with them.

I've also been evaluating the core group of friends I have. Some are clearly good. Some are clearly not. Some I've had trouble deciphering up until tonights amazing conversation...

I need to feel the deluge of God reigning all around me again. That's really what I need. It will help clear up my doubts, answer my questions and let me move forward back into the path that I'm supposed to be on.

Listen up God, your daughter's crying. Can you hear her? She wants You back in her heart. Help her? Listen up. She's bleeding faith upon Your altar ready for her course to alter. Listen up.

I wanna touch you...

Here's some of my new cheesy pop lyrics that I'm talking about...

Touch Touch Touch

Heat of the night
Ladies looking fly
Heat of the night
Boys looking right...

Bar is hopping tonight,
See you in the corner and already I know
What you want...

You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name

So you have pretty green eyes,
What can you do for me
Other than buy me a drink

You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay,
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name.

I grab your hand lead you off the floor
Playing the part so well
I start dancing around you get but get so tipsy I fall
Into your damn spell...

You want to touch touch (touch)
What you can't reach reach (reach)
In the moment I'll be okay,
But in the morning damnit I'll have forgotten your name.


It's rough, but it's a start. I've five more tracks to lay down. This is the most writing I've done in a while.

Back in the Studio

After a long hiatus on the writing scene, I'm back. I'm working with a few pop artists coining lyrics to go with club ready beats. It's been fun and it's also definitely a challenge because my mind wants to go deeper than "Lookin' at you, lookin' at me, Too good to be true, how can this be?" My mind is too complex and too deeply ingrained to strive for the best I can be. Writing lyrics about a club night isn't hard. Writing lyrics about how one lost the one she loves to the war or how one is struggling to find herself... those are hard, those take thought. Don't get me wrong, writing these "superficial" lyrics hasn't been easy in itself either. Mostly because it's been a quite some time since I have written at all. I've been looking at the numbers both within and externally of this space and I have found that my writing has pretty much plateau'd at, well, zero perhaps one entry a week. There's tid bits here and there, but one solid piece of writing per week. I'm gonna try getting that back into order. Stretch my mind. Get back on track. I have to. My inner writer's crying to be writing again.

Hijacked.

In a way I feel like the me that I have been for the past year has been hijacked. Now, before you get all up in arms about it like I wanted to, you have to know this...

I was dying to be hijacked. I was dying to be intercepted. I was dying for a change in course.

This hijacking wasn't like a normal hijacking. It was quiet, well thought out, sneaky, and bold all in the same breath. A normal hijacking is loud, quick, and intricate. I woke up on Tuesday morning and realized that I had in fact been totally taken over.

Who are the hijackers? It's these beautifully constructed bottles. Some with real artistic quality. However, I'm looking at the beautiful liquids on the inside of these bottles. The life that they have given me is the one that I was deeply missing. The spontaneous, crazy, and down right exciting life. That said with everything must come balance. I haven't been balancing it lately. I've been hopping from one party to the next. One club run to the next. On bar scene to the next. I'm becoming the girl who finally feels comfortable in her own skin. No, it's not the alcohol that does it. Yes, it is the shot of tequila I have coming through the door that does.

Now, before you all call me alcoholic and stupid. Get it straight. I'm not. No, that's not denial that's straight up truth. Yes, sometimes I stumble out on the street so incoherent that I can't even talk. The fact of the matter is. I am not waking up regretting my decisions. I'm not waking up doubting my character. I'm not waking up concerned about who to be and what role in the world to play. Finally I'm allowed to be myself. I haven't been able to do that for years. You know, be me. Finding that balance between who I am and who I want to be. It's extremely nice. So what if I do come out of a club so drunk I can barely walk? I don't believe it's compromising my integrity, my life goals, or my ability to be the change I wish to see in this world. I don't believe it compromises my relationship with Christ. I believe in fact it has strengthened the loosed bonds I've been suffering with lately. How? Because I see people who truly don't have purpose walk from bar to bar, just begging for someone to give them a reason to live. I have my reasons to live. I have my reasons to breathe. I'd just forgotten that.

Will I stop partying? Doubtful. Will club runs become less frequent? Not likely. Will bar nights happen less? No. Why? Because they are my chance to let myself be myself in an environment where other people are looking to be themselves and looking for people who will accept them for the person who they are. Which is what we all really want isn't it? Isn't it?

I am so thankful I've been hijacked.

Just like a circus...

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins, spotlight on me and I'm ready to break...

All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus...

--

Alright, so I have this certain group of friends who I constantly find myself the center of. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely flattered that they love me, love spending time with me, and want to show me that. However, I constantly find myself the one making the plans, and making sure they happen. Don't get me wrong, I plan and plan well. I just want for a few times, to be one of the ones who just gets to show up with a bottle of wine and have a good night. I'm also tired of the way I'm being used in a lot of my other relationships. I don't feel valued. I know that God's setting me aside right now to do great. That's extremely apparent. With some of my passions in life at a standstill, such as writing, music, and connecting with new people, and lots of quiet times all of a sudden, I know I'm being prepared to do great things...

That said, I wish that there was some balance in life. Just a little. I love balance.

Above

I'm above all things because Christ lives in me. I'm living life, because Christ lives in me. I am renewed because Christ lives in me. I am strong for ever, because Christ lives in me...

That has potentially become my new life motto. I am made in the image of Christ and this Easter season I am reminded of it.

ReCALL - that He is good.
ReCOUNT - that He is eternal.
ReMEMBER - that through Him all things are possible.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am lately and I'm pleasantly surprised most of the time. There are definitely still areas that I need work on, but there's definitely strong points in my personality as well. I am tired of seeking the material, I am tired of being unoriginal, I am tired of not living up to my God given potential. He has called me into a realm of greatness. A realm of so much power to help others succeed around me. I need to embrace it. Really. Truly. I have so much opportunity in my life, but I'm refusing to use it. I need to. I have this sense of urgency all of a sudden. I love being urgent. It gets things done.

iLOVE - character traits within

iLove.me. These are the things iLove about me. In no certain order.

I love that I'm extremely punctual.
I love that I can hold conversation well.
I love that I attract amazing people and adventures.
I love that sunrises inspire me.
I love my family.
I love that I am me.
I love that I look darn good with a carefully selected lip gloss.
I love that I look darn good without it too.
I love the fact that I really know how to write.
I love that I am extremely friendly.
I love the fact that kids are magnetically attracted to me.
I love the fact that the parents of these children trust me wholeheartedly.
I love that my co-workers have become amazing friends.
I love that I am an amazing friend.
I love that I bring the best out of people.
I love that I have been placed in the most beautiful part of the world to live.
I love that I like to travel so I can find more beautiful places.
I love that I have a beautiful family.
I love that I feel loved every day.
I love my ability to help others.
I love my ability to trust others.
I love my ability to help others trust others.
I love my work ethic.
I love that I am being influenced through positive interaction with my mentors.
I love my stunner shades.
I love my ability to make a situation very awkward and then bring it back within minutes.
I love that I love going hardcore.
I love my coffee knowledge.
I love that I'm smarter than I let myself truly believe.
I love that I've come from bad habits to develop really great ones.
I love that I'm a canvas for God to paint a new painting on each day.
I love that He has chosen me to be a canvas.
I love my creative abilities.
I love solving problems before they're problems because of my intuitive nature.
I love creating a dynamic circle of friendships around me.
I love my nocturnal lifestyle.
I love that I challenge myself to go to new heights.
I love that I truly let music affect me.
I love that I create songs every moment within my head and heart.
I love my music collection.
I love my ability to share.
I love my focus.
I love my drive.
I love me.

Yep, it's a start of a list, but it's so very true. Each and every point is valid. No, I don't believe that I'm cocky with it. I try not to let negative into my heart, because this is what lies within my heart. This is what TRULY is within my heart. Now, if only I could let this show, just a little more. Then I would really be on top of my game. Write this list yourself. Pray for me. Pray for you. I promise, I'm already praying for you!

Set Apart to do Great.

So, I just got back into my daily routine after the most insane five days of my life. I got told things I knew, got told things I thought I knew, told other people things they knew, told other people things they thought they knew, and most importantly let go of the biggest thing I needed to let go of...

I'm not willing to discuss it, but it has been the most free weeks of my life after the 16th of March happened. There's still a lot that has to happen, but a majority of the weight of this situation has left the core of my being and actually gone to God. I've never been able to do this, but I did this and this letting go was amazing...

I think it's fair that I fight only for what's worth fighting for at this point. And what's worth fighting for? Something that's fighting for me. This, this just wasn't doing it anymore...

[[control]] freak

I'm a secret control freak. But not in the traditional way you'd think. In three days here, I am giving full control of my life to a different group of people. I'm going to Dallas, Texas. I am going to have a great time, that's for certain. I'm going to meet an amazing set of new friends, that's a given. Yet, here's where I freak out. I won't have my car, or my mom, or my dad, or my brother, anywhere remotely near me for five days. I'm giving my life to Andrew, his mom, and his dad, plus a really neat guy named Jay. By that, I mean that I'm letting myself be guided by some outside force. You know, an earthly tour guide. I am scared to not have control of my movement for the forty minutes or so that we're traveling to the airport, the forty minutes or so traveling away from the airport and that's twice I'll have to do that. Twice. I am not concerned about my life. I know Andrew would do any and everything to protect me. I know his parents love me and would probably do the same. I just have these weird little things that really, and I mean really, test my abilities and focus on Him. This is a God test. I have no doubt in my mind that He will work on me something fierce, making me squirm in my seat, as someone else is driving me...

The root of it is, and it goes back to me pre-salvation days, I am scared of letting someone take me somewhere. It's stupid, but it's truth. I had it burn me in the past and I know that salvation has taken my initial fears away but it still tears at my core. I wanted to cancel this morning it got so bad. I won't. I can't. I need to go. Something in Dallas is calling my soul. This is why I believe that this might be a Satan thing. God's let Satan come into my situation to help me learn and grow. I have no problem with that. I just have a problem with the physical side effects that it has. I get irritable, quiet, my stomach starts to twist and turn, and I throw up. A lot. It's not pleasant, but that's what happens as I'm learning a valuable lesson for my arsenal. So out of all of the five days, I won't be under my own control for at the most six hours total. That's planning for traffic and delays...

Leading into the next thing I absolutely can't do... Sit anywhere but an aisle or at the very most three seats in. It's extremely claustrophobic for me. Extremely. Being with people I know sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse. I know God's going to working on me on this one too. Not looking forward to it. It goes back to the escape mechanism built within me. I feel like by being in the middle of a row, that I can't escape. I hate it. I think that's the one thing I hate. Seeing everyone else being completely engrossed in whatever's happening but me, worrying about all the "if's." It's frustrating, and I have tried, in earnest, to get rid of it, but I can't shake this one...

There... I've been way too transparent for my own good. But that's what it is. Which is entirely why I am so SO stupid.

Learning to say goodbye isn't ever easy.

I know this is a very much superficial way to start a blog, but this is the reality. I just gave my hair a very good blow-out and it looks really great right now. Anyways...

I've been thinking quite intensely for the last few days about pretty simple things. Yet as I convey them onto a piece of paper, those complex thoughts lose their luster and the paper flies into the trashcan faster than it flew out of my head onto the paper. I'm just tired of the gift I know I have not making the grade it used to. Yet, I know why...

I'm not using it. I'm not practicing it like I used to. I'm not being as grateful as I used to be. I am just sad at myself for that. I should be using and praising this gift constantly, and I honestly haven't used it for a good month. I feel like this is a foreign country right now. Like I'm wandering the streets praying I see a landmark to cling on to. It shouldn't be like this. It should be like the town I grew up in. You know, so familiar you know when the lady with the pretty flower boxes plants a different kind of flower, or when you can tell that the old gas station got a new set of letters for it's neon sign outside. For me, I want it to be so familiar again it's like the markings along side the main road that I can still see where I've sat for so many parades.

Additionally, I've lost a bit of emotion/connection to certain things lately. On the surface you'd think that'd be a catastrophic ordeal, but in this case, it's been liberating and freeing. I love being an emotional person, but the depth and level that I was invested into a few things was unhealthy. I'll admit to this too, I was purposefully wrapped up in them in hopes that I would avoid some serious heartache that's been happening lately. No, not breakups or makeups, or silly dramas like that. This is real, raw, passionate heartbreak that exceeds all my other heartbreaks to date. This is the heartbreak surrounding my grandfather, whom I've affectionately called Papa since the day of my birth. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and I know that he is on his way to the Lords doorstep. Yet, it doesn't make the earthly pain any easier. I wish it did so badly. Yet it doesn't. It doesn't even come close. I rest in His understanding. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Granted we don't see it in the first breaks of the tragedy, but when the dust settles and dawns light appears, things begin to make sense.

I'm going to go stand outside in the 27 degree weather and remember to feel. Remember to feel like I used to. I want that emotional edge back. I want to tell how people are doing by the inflection they talk with. I want it back, especially on the paper. I am ready to have it back God, are you listening?

Proceed With Caution

I got that letter from God today. Except it came in the form of a passionate response to my Savior tonight. I need to relax and enjoy the journey. I'm getting way too caught up in little things, paranoia-like moments. I need to proceed with caution, because I'm about five seconds from hurting myself emotionally. I don't want that. God doesn't want that. My Jesus doesn't want that. I just need to do exactly that. Proceed with caution.

Holding Patterns

Life in a holding pattern. We've all had times where all we want to do is get off the plane or switch destinations or even simply land at some airport, be it the right one or not. Clinging to my cup of coffee, I know that I'm being tested by none other than Flight Control. Again. I mean just as I get settled into a new flight path He comes on the intercom and totally changes the landing target and the entire path that I'm supposed to use to get there. To be quite frank, I don't really like it. I'll embrace this new challenge, but I will not immediately like doing that. I just have to remember that God is doing the because He thinks that I can handle it. More importantly, He wants me to see something through this change in flight path, this change in direction, this change in my chosen plane, this turbulence. I just don't know why my God never lets me settle into a path or even a general direction. I mean does he really have that much hope for me? Does he really value me in His kingdom that much? Is he really weighing these thoughts on me that much? It's a calling, a path, a dream He's placed me on before. Many times. Could this be it? Could I be called to do a church plant? Or even go with a group to start a completely new church? Could I be given that amount of privelege? Now is when I drop to my knees. Now is when I bow before my Lord. Now is when I pray harder. Now is when I pursue Love harder. Now is when I give Him my all. Now is when I lose my words. Now is when the only thing I can say is a simple phrase. Wow.

Be known

There’s this illusion around both you and I
That what’s going on tonight is right
I know I’ve been masked by the romance
And those careless midnight dances

How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we were never alone.

We traced our palms, our hands perfectly aligned
But when I went for your heart, you denied
When we danced, your soul sought more
Than anything I was willing to share on that darkened dance floor

How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we danced for the end.

The music comes and goes, the night crescendos to an end
The visions that poured before, trickle quietly out of my head
Sparks fading, desires cascading

I’ve got to go, you know we both know.
We’ve got to run, you know we both can.
We touch, just one more time,
Tracing palms, holding chins, kissing hearts
Goodbye, goodbye

How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
I didn’t know how to dance, before I met you.
I didn't know how to dance, before I met you.
I didn't know what love was, until I danced,
With,
you

feel; for one more day

As I sit here, it's 1:23 in the morning. I have no idea why I'm up. I went out tonight, but didn't feel like I normally do when I go out. In fact, I came back home early. I could describe it as a good night, but there was something unequivocally uninteresting about it. Perhaps it's because I didn't drink. Perhaps it's because I didn't really socialize. All I know is that I didn't feel it, at all...

Which worries me.

I'm such a social butterfly that getting a chance to go out and see a ton of people who are more than willing to talk back at me truly excites me. However, this night was about reconnecting with close friends, and remembering how incredibly blessed that I am to have them. Later on on what is now today, one more of these blessings comes in from his home in Baton Rouge. And later on tonight we'll be celebrating our friendship by going a million and one places in my beautiful Seattle hometown. Yet, tonight, I just wasn't feeling like doing that whole bar scene. I was so annoyed with it that I did, I made everyone get up, and come home at about 11:30. Here, where we're all on our laptops, sipping wine, flipping through photo albums, reminiscing on the pure moments, laughing at the dramas, singing to the music that brings us together, now this, this where I want to forever be with these wonderful friends. This is what feels right. Every one else even agrees that coming home was a great idea. This is content. This is pure. This is love.

At 2:45 tomorrow, a piece of the puzzle comes in, to complete it just a little bit more. I can't wait. I am so blessed that I call for help and the troops arrive. I know I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, and on the flip side, it's amazing to know that they do the same.

I think it would be awesome to live within the same eight blocks as these people, but it's nice that we're kind of spread out. Honestly. It makes the time that we do get to share together that much more special. I learn not to take it for granted. I learn that it's something unique. I learn the value of relationships. I learn how to maintain good communication. It's a really great set-up if you ask me. Yes, it's heartbreaking every time someone gets on a plane to go back home. Yes, it hurts when they start to pack. That's when I wish for one more day. For one more day of this sweet perfection. One more day of crazy conversations, sunset chasing, sunrise chasing, spontaneous coffee runs, midnight walks, and general excitement. It is then that I remember that either I'll be going to see them in a few months, or they'll be back in a few months...

Speaking of sunrises, we've just committed to seeing whatever sunrise we get this morning, while sipping champagne and eating waffles. Yes, because we're quirky, and yes, because that's how we roll, and yes, because we're perfect.

Wish the tears away.

Sitting here, trying to watch the sunset in front of me
I can't begin to trace the meaning that you bring
I just wanna hold your hand your hand in mine
Change the face of time.

I lay in the grass trying to wish the tears away
But I can't because everywhere I look there you remain
Even in the shadows I can hear your name resound
I'm so lost, and I'm just trying to be found.

--

You. Yes, you. You broke my heart last night. I hope you can live with that for the rest of your life. I hope and pray that I let you go for the right reasons. I wanted you so badly, I want you so badly. I just need to let you go.

Back in His arms again...

I've been dwelling in Him a lot lately. Sadly, it's been because I've been obnoxiously sick. I think that's why I got sick in all honesty. I haven't been dwelling in Him like I promised Him I would try to. I've been trying, don't get me wrong, but I haven't been trying to the way I promised.

The more and more I grow, the more and more I don't understand Jesus Christ. Honestly, with all those books on my shelf about Him, you think I'd be a scholar of the life He lived. Yet, the more I come into knowledge of Him, the more the wonder increases.

Here I sit, trying to justify my actions lately. My selfish, selfish actions. I am not someone I like very much right now, I'm going to be quite honest about that. It's terrifying really some of my thoughts. I'm working on giving them back. Because He is preparing the perfect things for me. I just need to wait. I need to stop trying to manipulate this situation. I am such a hypocrite in this moment. My second of all of my pet peeves is manipulative people, and right now I am one. That really doesn't make me feel very wholesome and driven as I'd like... I'm working with God on this. With Him I can and will be renewed, but I must seek it through Him and Him alone. He is everything. I am His chosen daughter and I need to get focused on His amazing possibilities in my life. I just want to be back in His arms again. Back in the Kingdom, because right now, I feel like I'm kind of a "rouge Christian."

Lie To Me

Lie to me just once more
Tell me that I'm pretty one more time
Find my heart and mend it carefully
Hold my hand in yours, let's walk the line
In the sand, feel the sun on our shoulders,
You are everything to me,
Everything, won't you lie to me, just one more time.

Sun drenched kisses, and rain soaked dances
Were they all in vain, or is that just you?
Lie to me. Please, just one more time.
Lie to me. Let's take back time.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is January 20th, 2009. Tomorrow, our nation, our great, grand nation moves on. Moves forward. From what will be known as a failed presidency. We move forward with optimism in our steps, and our hearts heavy all the same. We have debt, we have wars, we have an economy unstable, we have a lot on our shoulders. In Barack Obama there is hope, even I, a relatively staunch conservative, can hop on board with. He is already shifting things. He's about community, not about communism. I don't believe that communism is where we're headed in the next four (or eight) years. I believe that healing is where we're headed. I believe we will see our wars come to a close. I believe that the American public will hold their heads high and their gait strong and swift.

I believe we have to trust this man, who tomorrow (today for some of you) on January 20th, 2009 becomes the President of the United States of America. I believe he is a fresh breath. I believe that even though my top candidate did not make the American public feel the same way, that he must be respected.

He has already been serving the community. In fact today he helped renovate a homeless boys shelter this morning. He's putting in honest elbow work...

January 20th, 2009. We believed in change and now we are living it. Through God's own will, we are living it. Now it's our turn to not only see the change but be the change.

In God We Trust. Welcome to the next four (or eight) years! Congratulations Barack Obama. With you, yes we can!

A long time ago...

A long time ago, I was asked to write about my ideal spiritual community. Alright, not write about it. But list ten words, ten words only, on how to describe it. I am going to do it again first before I look at my old list, just to see what I've moved on from, and what I want to remain the same.

the new list

1. Hungry
2. Thirsty
3. Worshipful
4. Humble
5. Devoted
6. Giving
7. Joyful
8. Disciplined
9. Reliable
10. Seeking

the old list

1. Unified
2. Devoted
3. Loving
4. Missional
5. Serving
6. Seeking
7. Faithful
8. Worshipful
9. Diverse
10. Humble

--

So the ones that stayed were Seeking, Humble, Devoted, and Worshipful.

It's proof that the dynamic of my faith has changed. I don't know, I just thought this was super interesting. Nothing deep or anything. That's for tomorrow.

Marketing Yourself Successfully in the Digital Age

Here's my first real attempt at a video. Please comment and tell me what you think. It would mean the world to know how you think I'm doing.