Fighting the Downward Spiral

So, lately, I've been doing things the wrong way. Totally and completely. My moral compass isn't even in my pocket, or on my person anymore. I left it back where I left my integrity. I feel like I've lost a battle I didn't even know I was in. It's definitely an interesting place. Now that I'm aware, I've taken measures to ensure that I get back on the right track. Some of these little points are hard to take and will be extremely frustrating at times, but I do believe that there is a reason for the backslide. I make no excuses for my actions, I knowingly have screwed up. Knowingly. I accept that into the deepest parts of my heart. I acknowledge it. I have gone before the altar to ask that He come back into this heart which so desperately craves for Him. I was using things to fill that void. Senseless, obscene, blatantly stupid things. I somehow thought that it could be better... I was wrong.

I'm now actively fighting the downward spiral, pressing onwards, forwards, and marching through whatever challenge comes my way. Like a bloodied soldier, gravely injured on the front line of war, I'm weary, beaten, defeated. Yet, I won't give up pressing on in the face of challenge. I must walk across enemy lines and take back that which they have stolen from me, or that which I gave up thinking it wasn't valuable.

My integrity, while at a low point, is still extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

My moral obligation to maintain high standards is extremely valuable. I need to go that back.

My ability to control how much alcohol I consume is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

My ability to see that I am worth so much more than I let myself think I am is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

That's what I gave the enemy. What I believe they stole from me was my focus, my passions, my drive, and my emotion. Which, meant I was not only willing to let the other side take advantage of my weakened position that I damned near signed the legislation allowing it.

I just wish... that I didn't fall victim to the downward spiral. I had no idea how hard it would be to rise above it a second time. It's proving to be very hard. Yet, somehow I know, deep within me, that I'll rise to the occasion and let Him have control again. I got caught up in the lifestyle. The boys, the drinks, the clubs, the nightlife, the late nights. I love them. I'll never stop. For right now though, I may have to so that I may find my center, my course, my life again. I knew where I was going, I had fun on my derailment, now it's time to get back on the train called success.

It's time.