World of Plastic.

Written the 17th of January in the year of 2008. Still startlingly relevant two years later.
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t doesn't get more real or more blunt that that. Sorry folks, I really just don't think that it is cool. I have truly decided that we live in a world of plastic. We live in a world where having clear skin means more than having a clean conscience. We live in a world where bigger assets (money, physical attributes, place in society) mean more than actually having a relationship based upon a deep love.

Plastic. It's so overrated once you know the beauty and the glory that is named God. After the day I was saved things were so much more whole in my life. I didn't have to worry about things. I could let me be me. Most importantly, I have someone who's always going to be there when I screw up. Sadly, that's more often than I'd like to admit. Joyfully, I know that each time I do, my savior is right there and He is ready to help me pick up the pieces and start walking again.

I'll agree, it's not an easy world to live in. On the other side, I believe that society has gone to new lows. New, depressing, sad, tragic lows. Worse? It's socially acceptable to get married, and then get divorced all within the same year. It's socially acceptable to sleep with more than one person. It's socially acceptable to get wasted every single night. It's socially acceptable that anti-religious people fight and win everything they challenge and when a religious person challenges them, they lose and quickly. It's socially acceptable to bash the name of God, yet when His people come to His defense, they get sidelined.

I'm not clean, I'll never be, but that doesn't stop me from trying to live as clean and wholesome a life as possible. But seriously, wake up America, this little game of superficial desires and fake relationships which end in two household families trying to "make it work for the kids" doesn't need to happen and it's crazy that it does.

You don't fall in love with someone and the fall out of love with them. God doesn't work like that. Now that's a biblical lesson worth reading again.

Don't be plastic when there's treasures untold just waiting for you.

Purify My Heart [Blood of the Lamb]

Jason Upton's lyrics are blazing through my headphones right now... They go like this:

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Not Ashamed

Jesus I long to be holy
Jesus I long to be real
In a world of broken people
So many need to be healed
Purify my hands to hold them
Purify my heart to burn with devotion
For You, Lord Jesus, for You

I’m not ashamed of Jesus
My Lord my Lover my Friend
The power to cleanse and redeem us
Is in the blood of the Lamb

Oh how the mighty have fallen
Buried in their filthy rags
Father please turn from your anger
My lips will boast of your ways
Cause, it’s all in the blood of the savior
It’s all in the love that you have for You’re son
And I believe, in Jesus, I believe
--

Over the last few days this song has hit me particularly hard. I haven't been affected by a song so deeply in forever. It's awesome to know that my emotional side is definitely coming back. I'm feeling again. Granted, some of the feelings I'm feeling are clearly unfortunate, I do believe that I'm feeling them because I need to come back to my Jesus. I've not been the best lately. Like, really. I've made the turn around, but yes, not the best. At this moment I feel so unworthy of God's love. At this moment, I feel like I don't deserve any of the gifts I've received. Yet, His grace is within me. To Him, I give my future. As long as it may last. I need to, I have to, I'm dying with out Him. Dying. I cling to Him. I should never have run.

Blank Pages.

I sit here desperately trying to write, anything. This page is blank and the limits of my imagination is non-existent. Yet nothing comes from it. The words that I write and erase and write again feel meaningless on this night. I am restless and my heart just will not quiet. I think it stems from some of my actions that I've been suffering from lately. I am such a sinner, and I'll never ever be able to be clean again. I desperately crave purity. Desperately. I want it for His sake, I want it for my husband's sake. I want it for anyone who I've ever "preached" to and never told them my struggles in return.

I want to write here and now in this moment, yet nothing seems worthy of His time. Do I even really hold a court with Him when I screw up? Do I ever regain the solidarity of our relationship before I started slipping? I question it everytime, yet everytime there He is picking me up from the misery that I've made myself.

As one of my most favorite songs proclaims...
"I know that my Redeemer lives and now I stand on what He did. My Savior, my Savior lives. Every day a brand new chance to say, Jesus You are the only Way. My Savior, my Savior lives."

Why is it that I know all these cliche' biblical truths yet I can't truly wrap myself around how wonderful and amazing they are? Why is that most Christians recognize these simple biblical truths and can't even begin to fathom their true depth and liberating freedoms.

I am saved by the blood of Christ. I am no longer that person I was before I was saved. I am a committed member of His army. Yet, for all that, I can never dedicate enough of myself to Him. Why? Because He gave it all for me. In crucifixion. I love my Jesus. I love my God. I love the Holy Spirit that dwells so powerfully in me.

My prayers are selfish right now. I should be praising Him for all that I'm blessed with, but all I seem to be doing is praying for an open door. One open door that would truly complete me. I will go wherever He sends me as long as He sends me with a certain person. That's the selfish girl inside of me talking. I should be praying for my future beloved. I should be praying for an opportunity to serve Him. I should be on my knees facedown in guilt begging for repentance. Yet, I'm at His table, blindfolded and not sure where the next step to take even starts.

My eyes have started to get tired. I've been sitting here for almost three hours and this is all that my mind has been able to bring forward. It started out as a blank page, yet now it has real substance. A conclusive statement. That statement? I need to be the soldier and the child of God I signed up to be. That's it. That's a lot, but that's it.

Turns out this page wasn't so blank after all.