I've been dwelling in Him a lot lately. Sadly, it's been because I've been obnoxiously sick. I think that's why I got sick in all honesty. I haven't been dwelling in Him like I promised Him I would try to. I've been trying, don't get me wrong, but I haven't been trying to the way I promised.
The more and more I grow, the more and more I don't understand Jesus Christ. Honestly, with all those books on my shelf about Him, you think I'd be a scholar of the life He lived. Yet, the more I come into knowledge of Him, the more the wonder increases.
Here I sit, trying to justify my actions lately. My selfish, selfish actions. I am not someone I like very much right now, I'm going to be quite honest about that. It's terrifying really some of my thoughts. I'm working on giving them back. Because He is preparing the perfect things for me. I just need to wait. I need to stop trying to manipulate this situation. I am such a hypocrite in this moment. My second of all of my pet peeves is manipulative people, and right now I am one. That really doesn't make me feel very wholesome and driven as I'd like... I'm working with God on this. With Him I can and will be renewed, but I must seek it through Him and Him alone. He is everything. I am His chosen daughter and I need to get focused on His amazing possibilities in my life. I just want to be back in His arms again. Back in the Kingdom, because right now, I feel like I'm kind of a "rouge Christian."
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