Learning to say goodbye isn't ever easy.

I know this is a very much superficial way to start a blog, but this is the reality. I just gave my hair a very good blow-out and it looks really great right now. Anyways...

I've been thinking quite intensely for the last few days about pretty simple things. Yet as I convey them onto a piece of paper, those complex thoughts lose their luster and the paper flies into the trashcan faster than it flew out of my head onto the paper. I'm just tired of the gift I know I have not making the grade it used to. Yet, I know why...

I'm not using it. I'm not practicing it like I used to. I'm not being as grateful as I used to be. I am just sad at myself for that. I should be using and praising this gift constantly, and I honestly haven't used it for a good month. I feel like this is a foreign country right now. Like I'm wandering the streets praying I see a landmark to cling on to. It shouldn't be like this. It should be like the town I grew up in. You know, so familiar you know when the lady with the pretty flower boxes plants a different kind of flower, or when you can tell that the old gas station got a new set of letters for it's neon sign outside. For me, I want it to be so familiar again it's like the markings along side the main road that I can still see where I've sat for so many parades.

Additionally, I've lost a bit of emotion/connection to certain things lately. On the surface you'd think that'd be a catastrophic ordeal, but in this case, it's been liberating and freeing. I love being an emotional person, but the depth and level that I was invested into a few things was unhealthy. I'll admit to this too, I was purposefully wrapped up in them in hopes that I would avoid some serious heartache that's been happening lately. No, not breakups or makeups, or silly dramas like that. This is real, raw, passionate heartbreak that exceeds all my other heartbreaks to date. This is the heartbreak surrounding my grandfather, whom I've affectionately called Papa since the day of my birth. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and I know that he is on his way to the Lords doorstep. Yet, it doesn't make the earthly pain any easier. I wish it did so badly. Yet it doesn't. It doesn't even come close. I rest in His understanding. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Granted we don't see it in the first breaks of the tragedy, but when the dust settles and dawns light appears, things begin to make sense.

I'm going to go stand outside in the 27 degree weather and remember to feel. Remember to feel like I used to. I want that emotional edge back. I want to tell how people are doing by the inflection they talk with. I want it back, especially on the paper. I am ready to have it back God, are you listening?