[[control]] freak

I'm a secret control freak. But not in the traditional way you'd think. In three days here, I am giving full control of my life to a different group of people. I'm going to Dallas, Texas. I am going to have a great time, that's for certain. I'm going to meet an amazing set of new friends, that's a given. Yet, here's where I freak out. I won't have my car, or my mom, or my dad, or my brother, anywhere remotely near me for five days. I'm giving my life to Andrew, his mom, and his dad, plus a really neat guy named Jay. By that, I mean that I'm letting myself be guided by some outside force. You know, an earthly tour guide. I am scared to not have control of my movement for the forty minutes or so that we're traveling to the airport, the forty minutes or so traveling away from the airport and that's twice I'll have to do that. Twice. I am not concerned about my life. I know Andrew would do any and everything to protect me. I know his parents love me and would probably do the same. I just have these weird little things that really, and I mean really, test my abilities and focus on Him. This is a God test. I have no doubt in my mind that He will work on me something fierce, making me squirm in my seat, as someone else is driving me...

The root of it is, and it goes back to me pre-salvation days, I am scared of letting someone take me somewhere. It's stupid, but it's truth. I had it burn me in the past and I know that salvation has taken my initial fears away but it still tears at my core. I wanted to cancel this morning it got so bad. I won't. I can't. I need to go. Something in Dallas is calling my soul. This is why I believe that this might be a Satan thing. God's let Satan come into my situation to help me learn and grow. I have no problem with that. I just have a problem with the physical side effects that it has. I get irritable, quiet, my stomach starts to twist and turn, and I throw up. A lot. It's not pleasant, but that's what happens as I'm learning a valuable lesson for my arsenal. So out of all of the five days, I won't be under my own control for at the most six hours total. That's planning for traffic and delays...

Leading into the next thing I absolutely can't do... Sit anywhere but an aisle or at the very most three seats in. It's extremely claustrophobic for me. Extremely. Being with people I know sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse. I know God's going to working on me on this one too. Not looking forward to it. It goes back to the escape mechanism built within me. I feel like by being in the middle of a row, that I can't escape. I hate it. I think that's the one thing I hate. Seeing everyone else being completely engrossed in whatever's happening but me, worrying about all the "if's." It's frustrating, and I have tried, in earnest, to get rid of it, but I can't shake this one...

There... I've been way too transparent for my own good. But that's what it is. Which is entirely why I am so SO stupid.