A total shift of perspective. Oh wait, not really.

I've finally settled in on a perspective that I needed to get settled in.

Love God. Love people. Serve the world.

Anyways, life has been superficially and internally good.

I have been deeply struggling in one area, but I am not ready to talk about it yet. It's kind of like a wound that has been re-opened and it's just filling me with these huge doubts and insecurities. Which is too bad, because honestly things have been going very well.

It's all about staying upbeat and positive. Negative is a pretty roadblock that I can't have happen this time around.

I witnessed a pretty cool thing the other day actually...

So, I was eating some good food and I was listening to the conversation a few tables down and was deeply interested in what this grandfather and granddaughter duo were doing.

So, this granddad had two granddaughters with him, and he had given one a full paper dollar. The other one naturally said "Grandpa, can I have one?!" That said, he frantically searched his wallet and gathered all the change he had. He covered the change and asked his adorable granddaughter "Would you like a paper dollar or take a handful of change that equals more than a dollar?" She begged and pleaded for paper dollar...

It just goes to show you just how appearance driven we are. If things don't look pretty we don't want it. That said, we need to look past the outer appearance into the valuable parts of people, and of experiences, and of things. The guest speaker at church last night said something really true that still resonates with me now. I'm not totally sure how it was laced into being, but it was something like...

Jesus' love sees the value in people, the value of people isn't measured by the amount of property they have...

It was amazing. I am so excited for my future. I am so excited to add value to the lives all around me.

Sitting here, patiently, I hear the still small voice...

Written on Thursday April 24th, but posted just now:

As I'm sitting here at work my thoughts have cleared in some way that I am very pleased. The thing I have been fighting lately is my desire to be independent and figuring out exactly how independent I really am. It turns out that I am actually not very independent. I, however, am not dangerously dependent on anything other than my Jesus and my Author.

Here's where it gets quite interesting however. With all the changes in my life lately I have been gaining a much needed sense of what I need to do to become more reliant on myself instead of others. I have so much opportunity to make a name for myself as I start on my journey of being an Independent Business Owner. I have such a chance to break away from the sheltered family life I was raised in. Granted, they have and continue to be the best and greatest source of love in my life and they have become my rocks of stability. They in those steps of love have not helped me mature and step out as someone who can make it on my own. In fact, it may be a key role in my inability to be independent. I am extremely inspired by the new set of people I have been surrounding myself with lately. They are a bit older, a bit more mature, and definitely more independent.

Without question, I am learning that I need to lead myself well in order to lead others well. Also, it's pretty darn challenging trying to step out on my own. Which is exactly how I know that being a "Dream Builder" will be a wholly rewarding experience. Heck, I am already seeing rewards and I'm not even official. It's also helping my trust issues. At this rate, I may be over them by New Years Day 2009! It's a lofty goal I know, but everything is so fast-paced lately that I have no doubt that I will be able to ride in cars with boys again. Or perhaps even trust them in entirety again. My past has really affected my future and I am surprised in the ways that it keeps showing up. I thought that I was over it, over what I thought was the most traumatic day of my life, but really, it's a whole lot deeper than I ever could have imagined. I may need to re-invest in counseling for a while. In fact, that sounds like a really healthy idea.

I am so tired of needing help for one night my freshman year of high school. It's not fair. Yet every time I start going on like this about it, I get sad that I'm not trusting that God has a purpose for this. I want so badly to just have that part of my life cut out emotionally from my brain, but it's not happening and the more I want that to happen, the more I focus on it.

I wonder where he is. I wonder what he's doing with his life. I wonder if he thinks as much about that night as I do. I wonder if he's living in regret. I wonder if he knows just how much he's affected me. I wonder if he cares. What I wonder and pray for the the most is that Jesus is in His life using that night as a platform for his positive life development.

I don't know much about the past right now but I do know that in less than twenty-four hours of writing this I will make a huge step in my future. I will become an Independent Business Owner and it will be good. I will grow, I will learn, I will be challenged and for that, I can not wait.

Sing the song of angel choirs.

Today, I made a huge decision musically. I was on the phone with Andrew for a decent amount of time today and we got talking about music. Specifically vocals. My voice isn't near the quality or consistency that it used to be and it's really dragging me down, even emotionally. I need to get it back in shape, especially if I'm supposed to use this to further His kingdom. I know I'm supposed to use it, I know I won't get to unless I treat it like the gift that it is. So that leaves it up to me to meet God where He wants me to.

I also had some new lyrical words of beauty wrap themselves around me last night. You guessed it, I'm sharing them now. I was listening and currently am still listening to Roby Duke. He passed away the day after Christmas last year. I sat in several Christian Musician Summit Workshops with him, even talking to him after. He's inspiration.

--- "Empty"

I walk along the pathway of mediocre
Praying that it leads to more than just average
I can't tell You how long I've been waiting
To find the reason for being alive

Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Saying Your name, but playing this game as mine
Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Won't you come in?

Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your holy fire
Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your desire.

Fearfully, I tread in the waters of jealousy
Making myself the fool I tell them not to be
I can't tell You how long I've been waiting
To wash these feelings away in Your tide

Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Saying Your name, but playing this game as mine
Oh Lord, I'm tired of being empty
Won't you come in?

Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your holy fire
Fill me...
Fill me...
Fill me with Your desire.

Oh God, I am begging
Oh God, I am screaming
Fill me, fill me, fill me with fire,
Fill me, fill me, fill my heart's desire

I need you Lord, I need You
I need you Lord, I need Your truth

----

What I find most interesting about the lyrics I've been writing lately is that I still am on these wonderful, marvelous highs. Yet, all I can seem to do is write out of a place of utter despair and hunger. Logically, you'd think I'd be writing Praise and Celebratory songs of Worship. Yet, all I can do is get humble, see the real me, and walk in that. I am such a sinner. We are all such sinners. The reality of our corruption is devastating.

The reality of my part of this corruption is devastating.

Good Gosh Almighty, I'm Going CORE...

Yes, you read it correctly. I am going CORE. I actually purchased an AudioBook. "The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership" by John C. Maxwell. Not only did I purchase it, I'm actually listening to it. Seriously. What's going on? Not only am I listening to the purchased AudioBook. I am listening to it, and quite frankly, it's transforming me.

In other news, the weather has been having it's fun little way with Washington lately. It's been sunny, it's been raining, it's been foggy, it's been cloudy, it's been clear, it's been SNOWING. Yes, snowing, in what can be called late April. It's been kind of entertaining, but kind of draining in the same breath of air. I would really like to see some decent weather sometime soon.

It's late as I write this. Granted, it's not as late as I have been seen writing. I just want to get some sleep before tomorrow's five-thirty AM wake up call. It comes very quickly.

I hope that God blesses you. I hope you sleep peacefully when you sleep and dream wonderfully when you dream.

Transparency

To be transparent is to be see-through. To show all things, good or bad.

In life, it honestly doesn't come down to how good or bad you may think you are, it's how transparent you are. It's how much you let the world see you in your falls, not just your triumphs. Easily attainable through being transparent is trust, a long-lasting friendships, relationships, and mentor-ships.

What makes that a true statement you might be asking yourself. Here's my answer. I believe that if I am transparent I am honest. Honesty keeps people around, lies don't. I am much more likely to maintain a friendship that has had serious transparency versus one that is foggy. It's only in transparency when real character can be defined.

In an ideal world however, there would be no fault in your life or the lives of the people around you, but the world isn't like that, which makes transparency even more valuable. Be a window into your own soul, don't be afraid to let the light within radiate out.

As I go back and re-read this I doubt it makes sense to anyone but me. Does it make sense to you?

Through fog and fire

Through fog and fire. Two very different things, yet all too familiar and real within the Christian walk. Well, actually through any person's walk really. We all go through times we can not see the other side to and we all go through times that challenge us. There is no doubting that challenge is real. Very, very real. There is no doubting that there's times when things don't exactly make themselves clear.

So, within the next few months, I'll be embarking on probably one of the foggiest and fire-filled journeys of my life. I'm going to start making my mark. I'm going to become part of a diamond studded, platinum filled, ruby, sapphire, and emerald laced family. I'm going to acquire the extra income I need to get my ministry on it's feet, and I'll have the time to maintain and really watch that ministry develop.

At this point it seems like it wouldn't be fair to the people I've talked to and showed interest to not to pursue it with all my heart. If, in some point of that trying that I find out it's not for me, that's fine. Not to give it a real chance however, doesn't seem justified. Especially since my interest level and commitment levels are both extremely high. I'm ready to take this Quixtar lifestyle head-on. I've got a great set of Up-Lines in Andrew, his parents (sort of), Craig, and Samir. I look forward to the day I have my own Down-Line. When people come to me, connect with me, thrive through me. It's weird, I'll be making my dreams happen, but with my intellect, others dreams are happening through me, and because I participate. This seems like a real opportunity for me. I'm not going to sit idle and pretend I didn't see it.

On to something else, you see, I've been thinking continually about structure for some reason the last few weeks. It's become clear to me why? It's so I could understand the structure of this business better and more cohesively than people who are just seeing the layout for the first time. I would best describe it as Multi-level Marketing and Retailing. After some research people mislead themselves into believing that Quixtar and World Wide Dream Builders are together a pyramid scheme. It's just simply not the case. In a pyramid scheme there's a lot of money you put into it up front, and numerous written contracts. However this business opportunity I pay the licensing fee and am essentially on my way. The opportunity is there. I'm going to knock. I just really want to make sure my entrance is as planned and informed as possible. It's not a "get-rich-quick" scheme and I'm fine with that. I just can't wait to start meeting the needs of the people around me, while also filling my own needs.

On Friday, we're having a meeting. Perhaps, then, I will begin the process.

And to think, all this because I took a five-hour drive to Spokane on a whim. Who knew SpringLeadership would rock me like it did! I can't wait to go back next year and show progress to those I will meet and have met already.

Somewhere between the sparks...

So lately I've been riding so many different kinds of highs. I'm on a mental high, a spiritual high, I've found a circle of loving friends, and there are countless other blessings that I've been given. I wonder one thing however. Am I too high? Am I foolish and not thinking things clearly? What's really going on? Is this Satan?

When I think like this though, it's clear that it's not. Yet, in honesty the question remains deeply unsettled within me. I'm not sure how or why, but it definitely does. I'm just enjoying a phase of life that I can't even comprehend. I'm enjoying stability. I'm enjoying feeling love on earth and from above together. I'm experiencing what they call acceptance. At the end of the day, isn't that what we are all struggling for?

Let's touch on that word for just a little bit. Acceptance. It literally translates into being loved and being responded to positively. It means to gain and not only retain the essential elements of friendship. Those essential elements being love, trust, loyalty, and the ability to relate fluidly with one another. Let me use my newest firm friendship to go deeper.

I met this guy at the Christian Musician Summit in November last year. Honestly, we haven't actually talked or even begun to relate to each other outside of those conference days until just last week. We had coffee, we found out how alike we really were and we began the steps of trust. I trust him now a lot more than I did last week, and now I understand that we mutually relate to each other. Love and loyalty are more attainable after a longer period of time. I need to pursue his friendship actively in order for him to pursue mine actively. It's not a one way road. As soon as it does become one way, it's time for the other person to jump ship. However, in the case that we both continue maintaining this blessing, then we acquire the loyalty, and the love. I hope at some point that we become that close. I see a lot of what I look for in him. Perhaps even in the future we'd be a great couple. There are no thoughts about that right now. I really am just enjoying his awesome friendship. He's also a potential business partner. Well he his a business partner, but I've not quite fully committed to the idea. That question will soon be settled however.

Anyways, back to acceptance. If you have it, you know it. If you want it, work for it. If you don't have it, cut the line or keep trying until you or the other person makes a decision. Once you have it though, try to keep things awesome between the sparks. Because with acceptance comes an automatic urge to get comfortable. Even in friendships there will be times that are much much hotter than others. Fight through it. If, after the fight, things still prove to be cold, evaluate where you stand with that person. Create a warm environment of openness. Let them express in earnest what they're feeling. Listen.

As I close, I just want to tell you that I have been eternally blessed beyond measure with a loving family, great friends, and awesome relationships. However, the relationships didn't happen overnight. They took work. Even with my best friend. It takes work. It takes sacrifice. It takes love. My question now becomes. Do you have acceptance? Where? Do you yearn for more?

Answer those questions. Take your answers, wrap your soul around those questions, make certain your answers are your real answers and not just an angry or sad person deep within. Get over your past to embrace your future. It's a bright one. I promise.

Be open. Work. Maintain. Work. Be open. Listen. Work. Maintain. Be open. Listen.

Falling into place, you and I.

Another new song. This one, titled, "Falling into Place." I was taking a glance in my past, and this became very apparent for some reason.
---
There's broken glass scattered on the floor
Where the was once love, there is no more
She picks herself up off the ground,
She shouts out loud...

"For some reason, I can't see,
What's become of you and me...
Yet, there's one thing resounding clearly,
Is though you and I are falling apart,
He and I are colliding."

---

Alright, so it's not really complete, but you understand. Most my stuff hasn't been completing itself lately. I may finally be getting frustrated with it.

I'm Livin' It.

I'm livin' it... or so I hope.

I'm never too sure. I do my best, but technically my best will never be good enough, so it's easy to slip back into the things that aren't Jesus.

I need to do more things in the quiet times that God and I share though. I also need to really make sure that I'm doing the quiet time. God talks to me then too, not just in the the loudness of a concert series or in the pews as I hear the pastor speak. It's really about what He whispers in our times of desperation. It's really about what we receive when we're not being fed by anything but Him.

Anyways, I'm pretty much wordless tonight other than that little tidbit.

I am going to Spokane this weekend for a really cool opportunity. I'm looking to start my own business, and I will be attending this leadership conference that should really help me with a foundation. I feel like it's a divine appointment. There's just too much craziness in the coincidences for it to be acts of free will. When I get back, I hope to be able to summarize this conference. The last one didn't go so well, so let's pray this one does.

Have I forgiven?

Today, I went and checked out a new church. Not because Overlake is boring or anything even remotely along those lines, but because a friend also wanted to check out this church. It was an interesting service. It wasn't exactly friendly, but what was inspiring was the family feel coursing through the congregation. It kind of made it seem like once you were on "the inside" then all of the warm-fuzzy feelings flowed freely. Don't get me wrong, I got no bad vibrations from this church, it just seemed like you needed to be on the inside to be accepted with open arms. The one thing that had me completely riveted was the intensity of the pre-service prayer and the celebratory worship. This congregation worships in the exact style that I have been seeking for for a long time. It was a place you could truly worship in your own way. Be it on your knees, quietly sitting and mouthing the words, speaking in tongues, mouthing the words on your knees, jumping around, hands lifted, shouting praise, singing, praying in your prayer language, weeping, dancing, or even standing still as rock. Whatever your style, it's freely accepted here and very obviously encouraged.

Anyways, the message did a really good job of conveying something that really isn't talked about. The wonderful pastor talked about the realm of forgiveness.

Do you remember that you can't really be part of God's kingdom if you haven't forgiven your enemies of their trespasses? It's in the Lord's prayer even. You know, the one that lies in the book of Matthew? It really made me focus on all my past trials with all the people around me and within my life. Have I forgiven everyone for the missteps they've made? Have I truly forgiven the people in middle school who used to tease me so badly I got off the bus crying more than once a week? Have I truly forgiven the guys that I trusted to keep my heart safe and didn't? Have I forgiven the friends who've stood me up, even just that one time? I could go on forever with examples. I also came to a realization. I haven't truly forgiven some of these people. I know it's weird, but in some cases, I even feel like I haven't forgiven God. That's weird, because He is eternally forgiven. I guess what you could say is that I have held a slight grudge against Him. That's not right at all. I have no right to do that. At all. Anyways, it just made me realize that I need to get on my knees and truly let go of all the things that people have done to me. Not just the things, but the people too. I need to forgive the people too.

Trying to wrap myself around God's forgiveness is still a lost battle though. It will never be understood.

Structure

As I'm sitting here in my usual Starbucks, I look up. For the first time I really look at the actual construction of the building. It's a very log-cabin feel, it's very warm aesthetically, and it's painted in colors that appeal to many comfort zones.

Today, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I know I'm stepping in faith. I know I'm loving through truth. But what am I looking for?

I had a great time with a great person last night. It was refreshing. You see, I'd met him at a Musician's Summit, and since then we've been concert buddies, not really talking much. Yesterday, we got that opportunity and it was such a blessing. He's sweet, he's funny, he's gorgeous, he's deeply involved in his faith, he's musically inclined, and he's just plain awesome. It was cool to finally get past the surface and into who he was. In return I am grateful I got to share parts of myself with him. I think it's a fair trade, no?

Anyways, back to structure. I believe that structure is a key part of life. I don't believe anyone can truly live a spontaneous lifestyle. That said there's definitely moments where being spontaneous is totally fine. Here, if that confuses things let's dig deeper.

Structure here is another word for boundaries, and it's just that, structure. When something has "structural integrity" that means that it's well built and that things are stable and secure. In my own heart I believe that people are truly happiest when there's a good base structure in their lifestyle. Take the celebrity way for example, there's no structure there, and just look at how lost they get. They don't have set rules, limitations, or anything vaguely like them. They are also proof-positive that failure is imminent without structure.

That said, there's always room to let the plans fall through once in a while and seek something more spontaneous. Because without that little bit of break in the routine, things get monotonous. They get dull. They get boring.

Yet, in the terms of a building, having the most strong, the most reliable, the most well designed structure is key. In teams, this is true. Having an extremely organized structure will give you the best success. Having no structure in a group setting will lead to failure because too many spontaneous moments happen and arguments and tension rises very quickly ultimately leading to the big implosion. Structure unlocks success, not prevents it.

I always sit here and wonder after I make a statement. Why does it arise? Why do I think the way I do? Then, in the midst of it all, I remember, I am designed to think like I do so that I can find the next piece of the structure that I'm building.

Getting Wrapped

I am typically very good at putting my thoughts into words that convey their intended meaning. That all changed with the Generation Church "Count the Stars" Conference of 2008. It has deeply revolutionized my soul. Not just the soul people see, but the one that God and I have together. I try to wrap my head around the truths that I've been blessed with, and the truths that I've been convicted with, and the truths that are just plain truths. Yet, I still sit here trying to give you a decent wrap-up. I can't. It's not something that can be wrapped up. His work in me is still being done. I am still being created. Parts of my painting are finally colored. Finally. I breathe in deeply and reflect on the Glory. I sit in silence and hear the heartbeat of my King. Yet, my words have been taken from me in this instant. There is a chorus of a song that is unwritten in my heart. It claims the following...

"Here, where ashes lay all around, You lift me up, and I fall down"...

It's the start of another wonderful song...

I guess if you're looking for a wrap-up, here it is:

Go next year. You will not regret it. You will enjoy it. You will be rocked. You will be set on fire for the Kingdom of Christ Jesus. You will be revolutionary. You will learn your course. He will meet you there in a way you never thought possible. God will be present. He will change your future.

From the top, to the stars...

Being a Christian in today's not-so-accepting realm is hard. That said, there's one thing that has been on my mind constantly since conference. I know it was only a couple of days ago but it was revolutionary to my faith. Completely. The message was "Count the Stars" and believe me, now I am. It's heartbreaking to see so many people struggling with their desires to get to the top. Ever since I've become a Christian, I've been striving for so much more than the top. I've been striving for the stars. Why? Because "striving for the top" suggests and actually finds that there is a limit to my faith. "Striving for the stars" however, is suggestive to the fact that no matter how long I keep going, I'll never see the actuality of His full glory.

I've been reading in Job lately. In the Contemporary English Version, Job 1:21 states this earthquaking statement. "We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The LORD alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the LORD!" Now, I don't have any idea how you responded to that, but let me give you a little bit, just a little, of how I did.

This simple passage conveys to me lots of truths. Let's start like this. It states that we bring nothing with us when we arrive, nothing with us when we go. Break that down even a little more by going in the middle of birth and death. Whatever we are given is given to us by the Lord. Nothing comes from any other source. Every birthday candle you blow out, every sunrise you see, and every grain of rice you eat. Then this passage goes on to say those very words. That said, he can also take away from you as well...

Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful. Not just on-the-surface grateful, but in the depth of your heart, grateful. Let this undeserved grace and mercy shower over you with deep gratitude. Offer up everything you are given back to Him in return. Watch the blessings grow. Watch the circle of love complete it's rotation...

This is why I no longer strive for the top, because I know He's gifted me with eternity. I didn't deserve it, I still don't today but the very least that I can do is strive for the stars. By sacrificially giving, loving people, surrounding myself in good people, going and serving in His name, and countless other ways I try to let God shine. Because He's the number one star in the velvet skyline.

Now, you can strive for the top honors. But really they're nothing compared to the honor of being beside God in heaven. Let your thoughts dwell upon that.