Have I forgiven?

Today, I went and checked out a new church. Not because Overlake is boring or anything even remotely along those lines, but because a friend also wanted to check out this church. It was an interesting service. It wasn't exactly friendly, but what was inspiring was the family feel coursing through the congregation. It kind of made it seem like once you were on "the inside" then all of the warm-fuzzy feelings flowed freely. Don't get me wrong, I got no bad vibrations from this church, it just seemed like you needed to be on the inside to be accepted with open arms. The one thing that had me completely riveted was the intensity of the pre-service prayer and the celebratory worship. This congregation worships in the exact style that I have been seeking for for a long time. It was a place you could truly worship in your own way. Be it on your knees, quietly sitting and mouthing the words, speaking in tongues, mouthing the words on your knees, jumping around, hands lifted, shouting praise, singing, praying in your prayer language, weeping, dancing, or even standing still as rock. Whatever your style, it's freely accepted here and very obviously encouraged.

Anyways, the message did a really good job of conveying something that really isn't talked about. The wonderful pastor talked about the realm of forgiveness.

Do you remember that you can't really be part of God's kingdom if you haven't forgiven your enemies of their trespasses? It's in the Lord's prayer even. You know, the one that lies in the book of Matthew? It really made me focus on all my past trials with all the people around me and within my life. Have I forgiven everyone for the missteps they've made? Have I truly forgiven the people in middle school who used to tease me so badly I got off the bus crying more than once a week? Have I truly forgiven the guys that I trusted to keep my heart safe and didn't? Have I forgiven the friends who've stood me up, even just that one time? I could go on forever with examples. I also came to a realization. I haven't truly forgiven some of these people. I know it's weird, but in some cases, I even feel like I haven't forgiven God. That's weird, because He is eternally forgiven. I guess what you could say is that I have held a slight grudge against Him. That's not right at all. I have no right to do that. At all. Anyways, it just made me realize that I need to get on my knees and truly let go of all the things that people have done to me. Not just the things, but the people too. I need to forgive the people too.

Trying to wrap myself around God's forgiveness is still a lost battle though. It will never be understood.