Stop writing the script to our
To our fairytale ending
Baby it doesn’t exist because of you
You hurt me, cut me, don’t fight the truth…
So they said we’d be together until the end of time
You started crawling with a different queen
And when you got caught, you never came clean.
Stop writing the script to our fairytale ending
Stop pretending you’re my knight in shining armor.
You thought you had me, baby you thought wrong.
Now, I’d rather kiss the frog.
My mind flies back to a late November night
Our bodies writhing, sensual delight
You thought you had it made, a queen and a princess to play
But you got caught and now you have to pay
It’s time to rewrite this script to our fairytale
For you it’s turning into quite the nightmare
I put your pretty rhymes up for sale
And your other queen no longer cares… So…
Stop writing the script to our
To our fairytale ending
Baby it doesn’t exist because of the failed prince
You played with the wrong royal court
Sunday, June 28
Thursday, June 4
Nothing Like An Orlando Sunrise
Walking along the coastline in Miami
Cool breeze in my hair
Though I'm happy where I am...
Orlando is calling me home.
I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...
I like the nightlife, the boys are fine
The drinks are strong, the beat is right
However I yearn for when the time
When real comfort is mine.
I just wanna walk the sidewalks of Orlando
Instead of the boardwalks in Miami
I wanna run where my heart goes
Instead of hide deep inside me...
I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...
Cool breeze in my hair
Though I'm happy where I am...
Orlando is calling me home.
I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...
I like the nightlife, the boys are fine
The drinks are strong, the beat is right
However I yearn for when the time
When real comfort is mine.
I just wanna walk the sidewalks of Orlando
Instead of the boardwalks in Miami
I wanna run where my heart goes
Instead of hide deep inside me...
I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...
Sunday, May 31
You're My Excuse
You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do.
You're my excuse for the all sin that I pursue.
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing you.
Boy I caught you in the club
Like a disease spreading worldwide
The way you caressed my cheek
Liquid courage aside
I felt the fire deep within me heart
I danced up on you,
With nothing to hide...
You're my favorite damn excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the reckless sin I pursue
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing...
You spin my head right round as my morals
Fall straight to the ground,
Yes my pastor told me to take the high road
But my heart tells me to be bold.
You took my hand and led me past the velvet ropes
Took me for drives to see the city scopes
Baby can't you see you're driving me crazy
I just wanted you for one night, now...
You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the sin that I pursue
I know you're bad, so damn bad, but I can't stop chasing you
You're my excuse for the all sin that I pursue.
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing you.
Boy I caught you in the club
Like a disease spreading worldwide
The way you caressed my cheek
Liquid courage aside
I felt the fire deep within me heart
I danced up on you,
With nothing to hide...
You're my favorite damn excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the reckless sin I pursue
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing...
You spin my head right round as my morals
Fall straight to the ground,
Yes my pastor told me to take the high road
But my heart tells me to be bold.
You took my hand and led me past the velvet ropes
Took me for drives to see the city scopes
Baby can't you see you're driving me crazy
I just wanted you for one night, now...
You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the sin that I pursue
I know you're bad, so damn bad, but I can't stop chasing you
Friday, May 22
Listen Up.
Over the last few months, I've really been stuck. Hesitant. Almost guilty...
I keep going back to it, but the writing isn't happening. I can sit on blank page now and truly not be able to put anything down on it. I'm sad about it because now I'm beginning to figure out why.
I'm absolutely and completely torn away from my faith right now in a lot of ways. Carelessly I've let the ties that bind me to my true happiness and true faithfulness fall apart like crumbled sidewalk after a flash flood. I see a lot of the old habits that destroyed me creeping back into my life. Not brashly, not abrasively mind you. They're coming back intricately, seemingly invisible for the most part. The thing is, I don't see it until after it's effectively placed itself into my hands and my realm of influence and my life.
I do know after my conversation with a brilliant mind, on what could only be defined as a perfect date, I am filled with a lot of hope, a lot of joy, and a lot of work. He broke me out of the cage I was building around myself. Well, with God as the Commander of course. The talk brought out a few very specific needs that I have.
I need to go back to church. I need to limit how much, or specifically, where I go out and who I go out with. I need to trust my initial heart about things more. I need to run from what compromises my heart and my goal in this life. I need to put God back into my life. Not just as a section of my beliefs, but as the encompassing being that I direct my life to and through.
I have met some extraordinary people within the last month. Extraordinary. Yet, they're not extraordinary how I need them to be. They have that pretty smile, but they have an empty heart. They call me back, yet have nothing to teach me. I need the people around me to feed me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to embrace my faults. Not run when they find out something about me that doesn't vibe with them.
I've also been evaluating the core group of friends I have. Some are clearly good. Some are clearly not. Some I've had trouble deciphering up until tonights amazing conversation...
I need to feel the deluge of God reigning all around me again. That's really what I need. It will help clear up my doubts, answer my questions and let me move forward back into the path that I'm supposed to be on.
Listen up God, your daughter's crying. Can you hear her? She wants You back in her heart. Help her? Listen up. She's bleeding faith upon Your altar ready for her course to alter. Listen up.
I keep going back to it, but the writing isn't happening. I can sit on blank page now and truly not be able to put anything down on it. I'm sad about it because now I'm beginning to figure out why.
I'm absolutely and completely torn away from my faith right now in a lot of ways. Carelessly I've let the ties that bind me to my true happiness and true faithfulness fall apart like crumbled sidewalk after a flash flood. I see a lot of the old habits that destroyed me creeping back into my life. Not brashly, not abrasively mind you. They're coming back intricately, seemingly invisible for the most part. The thing is, I don't see it until after it's effectively placed itself into my hands and my realm of influence and my life.
I do know after my conversation with a brilliant mind, on what could only be defined as a perfect date, I am filled with a lot of hope, a lot of joy, and a lot of work. He broke me out of the cage I was building around myself. Well, with God as the Commander of course. The talk brought out a few very specific needs that I have.
I need to go back to church. I need to limit how much, or specifically, where I go out and who I go out with. I need to trust my initial heart about things more. I need to run from what compromises my heart and my goal in this life. I need to put God back into my life. Not just as a section of my beliefs, but as the encompassing being that I direct my life to and through.
I have met some extraordinary people within the last month. Extraordinary. Yet, they're not extraordinary how I need them to be. They have that pretty smile, but they have an empty heart. They call me back, yet have nothing to teach me. I need the people around me to feed me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to embrace my faults. Not run when they find out something about me that doesn't vibe with them.
I've also been evaluating the core group of friends I have. Some are clearly good. Some are clearly not. Some I've had trouble deciphering up until tonights amazing conversation...
I need to feel the deluge of God reigning all around me again. That's really what I need. It will help clear up my doubts, answer my questions and let me move forward back into the path that I'm supposed to be on.
Listen up God, your daughter's crying. Can you hear her? She wants You back in her heart. Help her? Listen up. She's bleeding faith upon Your altar ready for her course to alter. Listen up.
Monday, May 18
I wanna touch you...
Here's some of my new cheesy pop lyrics that I'm talking about...
Touch Touch Touch
Heat of the night
Ladies looking fly
Heat of the night
Boys looking right...
Bar is hopping tonight,
See you in the corner and already I know
What you want...
You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name
So you have pretty green eyes,
What can you do for me
Other than buy me a drink
You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay,
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name.
I grab your hand lead you off the floor
Playing the part so well
I start dancing around you get but get so tipsy I fall
Into your damn spell...
You want to touch touch (touch)
What you can't reach reach (reach)
In the moment I'll be okay,
But in the morning damnit I'll have forgotten your name.
It's rough, but it's a start. I've five more tracks to lay down. This is the most writing I've done in a while.
Touch Touch Touch
Heat of the night
Ladies looking fly
Heat of the night
Boys looking right...
Bar is hopping tonight,
See you in the corner and already I know
What you want...
You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name
So you have pretty green eyes,
What can you do for me
Other than buy me a drink
You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay,
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name.
I grab your hand lead you off the floor
Playing the part so well
I start dancing around you get but get so tipsy I fall
Into your damn spell...
You want to touch touch (touch)
What you can't reach reach (reach)
In the moment I'll be okay,
But in the morning damnit I'll have forgotten your name.
It's rough, but it's a start. I've five more tracks to lay down. This is the most writing I've done in a while.
Thursday, May 14
Back in the Studio
After a long hiatus on the writing scene, I'm back. I'm working with a few pop artists coining lyrics to go with club ready beats. It's been fun and it's also definitely a challenge because my mind wants to go deeper than "Lookin' at you, lookin' at me, Too good to be true, how can this be?" My mind is too complex and too deeply ingrained to strive for the best I can be. Writing lyrics about a club night isn't hard. Writing lyrics about how one lost the one she loves to the war or how one is struggling to find herself... those are hard, those take thought. Don't get me wrong, writing these "superficial" lyrics hasn't been easy in itself either. Mostly because it's been a quite some time since I have written at all. I've been looking at the numbers both within and externally of this space and I have found that my writing has pretty much plateau'd at, well, zero perhaps one entry a week. There's tid bits here and there, but one solid piece of writing per week. I'm gonna try getting that back into order. Stretch my mind. Get back on track. I have to. My inner writer's crying to be writing again.
Wednesday, May 6
Hijacked.
In a way I feel like the me that I have been for the past year has been hijacked. Now, before you get all up in arms about it like I wanted to, you have to know this...
I was dying to be hijacked. I was dying to be intercepted. I was dying for a change in course.
This hijacking wasn't like a normal hijacking. It was quiet, well thought out, sneaky, and bold all in the same breath. A normal hijacking is loud, quick, and intricate. I woke up on Tuesday morning and realized that I had in fact been totally taken over.
Who are the hijackers? It's these beautifully constructed bottles. Some with real artistic quality. However, I'm looking at the beautiful liquids on the inside of these bottles. The life that they have given me is the one that I was deeply missing. The spontaneous, crazy, and down right exciting life. That said with everything must come balance. I haven't been balancing it lately. I've been hopping from one party to the next. One club run to the next. On bar scene to the next. I'm becoming the girl who finally feels comfortable in her own skin. No, it's not the alcohol that does it. Yes, it is the shot of tequila I have coming through the door that does.
Now, before you all call me alcoholic and stupid. Get it straight. I'm not. No, that's not denial that's straight up truth. Yes, sometimes I stumble out on the street so incoherent that I can't even talk. The fact of the matter is. I am not waking up regretting my decisions. I'm not waking up doubting my character. I'm not waking up concerned about who to be and what role in the world to play. Finally I'm allowed to be myself. I haven't been able to do that for years. You know, be me. Finding that balance between who I am and who I want to be. It's extremely nice. So what if I do come out of a club so drunk I can barely walk? I don't believe it's compromising my integrity, my life goals, or my ability to be the change I wish to see in this world. I don't believe it compromises my relationship with Christ. I believe in fact it has strengthened the loosed bonds I've been suffering with lately. How? Because I see people who truly don't have purpose walk from bar to bar, just begging for someone to give them a reason to live. I have my reasons to live. I have my reasons to breathe. I'd just forgotten that.
Will I stop partying? Doubtful. Will club runs become less frequent? Not likely. Will bar nights happen less? No. Why? Because they are my chance to let myself be myself in an environment where other people are looking to be themselves and looking for people who will accept them for the person who they are. Which is what we all really want isn't it? Isn't it?
I am so thankful I've been hijacked.
I was dying to be hijacked. I was dying to be intercepted. I was dying for a change in course.
This hijacking wasn't like a normal hijacking. It was quiet, well thought out, sneaky, and bold all in the same breath. A normal hijacking is loud, quick, and intricate. I woke up on Tuesday morning and realized that I had in fact been totally taken over.
Who are the hijackers? It's these beautifully constructed bottles. Some with real artistic quality. However, I'm looking at the beautiful liquids on the inside of these bottles. The life that they have given me is the one that I was deeply missing. The spontaneous, crazy, and down right exciting life. That said with everything must come balance. I haven't been balancing it lately. I've been hopping from one party to the next. One club run to the next. On bar scene to the next. I'm becoming the girl who finally feels comfortable in her own skin. No, it's not the alcohol that does it. Yes, it is the shot of tequila I have coming through the door that does.
Now, before you all call me alcoholic and stupid. Get it straight. I'm not. No, that's not denial that's straight up truth. Yes, sometimes I stumble out on the street so incoherent that I can't even talk. The fact of the matter is. I am not waking up regretting my decisions. I'm not waking up doubting my character. I'm not waking up concerned about who to be and what role in the world to play. Finally I'm allowed to be myself. I haven't been able to do that for years. You know, be me. Finding that balance between who I am and who I want to be. It's extremely nice. So what if I do come out of a club so drunk I can barely walk? I don't believe it's compromising my integrity, my life goals, or my ability to be the change I wish to see in this world. I don't believe it compromises my relationship with Christ. I believe in fact it has strengthened the loosed bonds I've been suffering with lately. How? Because I see people who truly don't have purpose walk from bar to bar, just begging for someone to give them a reason to live. I have my reasons to live. I have my reasons to breathe. I'd just forgotten that.
Will I stop partying? Doubtful. Will club runs become less frequent? Not likely. Will bar nights happen less? No. Why? Because they are my chance to let myself be myself in an environment where other people are looking to be themselves and looking for people who will accept them for the person who they are. Which is what we all really want isn't it? Isn't it?
I am so thankful I've been hijacked.
Saturday, April 25
Just like a circus...
I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins, spotlight on me and I'm ready to break...
All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus...
--
Alright, so I have this certain group of friends who I constantly find myself the center of. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely flattered that they love me, love spending time with me, and want to show me that. However, I constantly find myself the one making the plans, and making sure they happen. Don't get me wrong, I plan and plan well. I just want for a few times, to be one of the ones who just gets to show up with a bottle of wine and have a good night. I'm also tired of the way I'm being used in a lot of my other relationships. I don't feel valued. I know that God's setting me aside right now to do great. That's extremely apparent. With some of my passions in life at a standstill, such as writing, music, and connecting with new people, and lots of quiet times all of a sudden, I know I'm being prepared to do great things...
That said, I wish that there was some balance in life. Just a little. I love balance.
All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus...
--
Alright, so I have this certain group of friends who I constantly find myself the center of. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely flattered that they love me, love spending time with me, and want to show me that. However, I constantly find myself the one making the plans, and making sure they happen. Don't get me wrong, I plan and plan well. I just want for a few times, to be one of the ones who just gets to show up with a bottle of wine and have a good night. I'm also tired of the way I'm being used in a lot of my other relationships. I don't feel valued. I know that God's setting me aside right now to do great. That's extremely apparent. With some of my passions in life at a standstill, such as writing, music, and connecting with new people, and lots of quiet times all of a sudden, I know I'm being prepared to do great things...
That said, I wish that there was some balance in life. Just a little. I love balance.
Friday, April 10
Above
I'm above all things because Christ lives in me. I'm living life, because Christ lives in me. I am renewed because Christ lives in me. I am strong for ever, because Christ lives in me...
That has potentially become my new life motto. I am made in the image of Christ and this Easter season I am reminded of it.
ReCALL - that He is good.
ReCOUNT - that He is eternal.
ReMEMBER - that through Him all things are possible.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am lately and I'm pleasantly surprised most of the time. There are definitely still areas that I need work on, but there's definitely strong points in my personality as well. I am tired of seeking the material, I am tired of being unoriginal, I am tired of not living up to my God given potential. He has called me into a realm of greatness. A realm of so much power to help others succeed around me. I need to embrace it. Really. Truly. I have so much opportunity in my life, but I'm refusing to use it. I need to. I have this sense of urgency all of a sudden. I love being urgent. It gets things done.
That has potentially become my new life motto. I am made in the image of Christ and this Easter season I am reminded of it.
ReCALL - that He is good.
ReCOUNT - that He is eternal.
ReMEMBER - that through Him all things are possible.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about who I am lately and I'm pleasantly surprised most of the time. There are definitely still areas that I need work on, but there's definitely strong points in my personality as well. I am tired of seeking the material, I am tired of being unoriginal, I am tired of not living up to my God given potential. He has called me into a realm of greatness. A realm of so much power to help others succeed around me. I need to embrace it. Really. Truly. I have so much opportunity in my life, but I'm refusing to use it. I need to. I have this sense of urgency all of a sudden. I love being urgent. It gets things done.
Saturday, April 4
iLOVE - character traits within
iLove.me. These are the things iLove about me. In no certain order.
I love that I'm extremely punctual.
I love that I can hold conversation well.
I love that I attract amazing people and adventures.
I love that sunrises inspire me.
I love my family.
I love that I am me.
I love that I look darn good with a carefully selected lip gloss.
I love that I look darn good without it too.
I love the fact that I really know how to write.
I love that I am extremely friendly.
I love the fact that kids are magnetically attracted to me.
I love the fact that the parents of these children trust me wholeheartedly.
I love that my co-workers have become amazing friends.
I love that I am an amazing friend.
I love that I bring the best out of people.
I love that I have been placed in the most beautiful part of the world to live.
I love that I like to travel so I can find more beautiful places.
I love that I have a beautiful family.
I love that I feel loved every day.
I love my ability to help others.
I love my ability to trust others.
I love my ability to help others trust others.
I love my work ethic.
I love that I am being influenced through positive interaction with my mentors.
I love my stunner shades.
I love my ability to make a situation very awkward and then bring it back within minutes.
I love that I love going hardcore.
I love my coffee knowledge.
I love that I'm smarter than I let myself truly believe.
I love that I've come from bad habits to develop really great ones.
I love that I'm a canvas for God to paint a new painting on each day.
I love that He has chosen me to be a canvas.
I love my creative abilities.
I love solving problems before they're problems because of my intuitive nature.
I love creating a dynamic circle of friendships around me.
I love my nocturnal lifestyle.
I love that I challenge myself to go to new heights.
I love that I truly let music affect me.
I love that I create songs every moment within my head and heart.
I love my music collection.
I love my ability to share.
I love my focus.
I love my drive.
I love me.
Yep, it's a start of a list, but it's so very true. Each and every point is valid. No, I don't believe that I'm cocky with it. I try not to let negative into my heart, because this is what lies within my heart. This is what TRULY is within my heart. Now, if only I could let this show, just a little more. Then I would really be on top of my game. Write this list yourself. Pray for me. Pray for you. I promise, I'm already praying for you!
I love that I'm extremely punctual.
I love that I can hold conversation well.
I love that I attract amazing people and adventures.
I love that sunrises inspire me.
I love my family.
I love that I am me.
I love that I look darn good with a carefully selected lip gloss.
I love that I look darn good without it too.
I love the fact that I really know how to write.
I love that I am extremely friendly.
I love the fact that kids are magnetically attracted to me.
I love the fact that the parents of these children trust me wholeheartedly.
I love that my co-workers have become amazing friends.
I love that I am an amazing friend.
I love that I bring the best out of people.
I love that I have been placed in the most beautiful part of the world to live.
I love that I like to travel so I can find more beautiful places.
I love that I have a beautiful family.
I love that I feel loved every day.
I love my ability to help others.
I love my ability to trust others.
I love my ability to help others trust others.
I love my work ethic.
I love that I am being influenced through positive interaction with my mentors.
I love my stunner shades.
I love my ability to make a situation very awkward and then bring it back within minutes.
I love that I love going hardcore.
I love my coffee knowledge.
I love that I'm smarter than I let myself truly believe.
I love that I've come from bad habits to develop really great ones.
I love that I'm a canvas for God to paint a new painting on each day.
I love that He has chosen me to be a canvas.
I love my creative abilities.
I love solving problems before they're problems because of my intuitive nature.
I love creating a dynamic circle of friendships around me.
I love my nocturnal lifestyle.
I love that I challenge myself to go to new heights.
I love that I truly let music affect me.
I love that I create songs every moment within my head and heart.
I love my music collection.
I love my ability to share.
I love my focus.
I love my drive.
I love me.
Yep, it's a start of a list, but it's so very true. Each and every point is valid. No, I don't believe that I'm cocky with it. I try not to let negative into my heart, because this is what lies within my heart. This is what TRULY is within my heart. Now, if only I could let this show, just a little more. Then I would really be on top of my game. Write this list yourself. Pray for me. Pray for you. I promise, I'm already praying for you!
Thursday, March 19
Set Apart to do Great.
So, I just got back into my daily routine after the most insane five days of my life. I got told things I knew, got told things I thought I knew, told other people things they knew, told other people things they thought they knew, and most importantly let go of the biggest thing I needed to let go of...
I'm not willing to discuss it, but it has been the most free weeks of my life after the 16th of March happened. There's still a lot that has to happen, but a majority of the weight of this situation has left the core of my being and actually gone to God. I've never been able to do this, but I did this and this letting go was amazing...
I think it's fair that I fight only for what's worth fighting for at this point. And what's worth fighting for? Something that's fighting for me. This, this just wasn't doing it anymore...
I'm not willing to discuss it, but it has been the most free weeks of my life after the 16th of March happened. There's still a lot that has to happen, but a majority of the weight of this situation has left the core of my being and actually gone to God. I've never been able to do this, but I did this and this letting go was amazing...
I think it's fair that I fight only for what's worth fighting for at this point. And what's worth fighting for? Something that's fighting for me. This, this just wasn't doing it anymore...
Monday, March 9
[[control]] freak
I'm a secret control freak. But not in the traditional way you'd think. In three days here, I am giving full control of my life to a different group of people. I'm going to Dallas, Texas. I am going to have a great time, that's for certain. I'm going to meet an amazing set of new friends, that's a given. Yet, here's where I freak out. I won't have my car, or my mom, or my dad, or my brother, anywhere remotely near me for five days. I'm giving my life to Andrew, his mom, and his dad, plus a really neat guy named Jay. By that, I mean that I'm letting myself be guided by some outside force. You know, an earthly tour guide. I am scared to not have control of my movement for the forty minutes or so that we're traveling to the airport, the forty minutes or so traveling away from the airport and that's twice I'll have to do that. Twice. I am not concerned about my life. I know Andrew would do any and everything to protect me. I know his parents love me and would probably do the same. I just have these weird little things that really, and I mean really, test my abilities and focus on Him. This is a God test. I have no doubt in my mind that He will work on me something fierce, making me squirm in my seat, as someone else is driving me...
The root of it is, and it goes back to me pre-salvation days, I am scared of letting someone take me somewhere. It's stupid, but it's truth. I had it burn me in the past and I know that salvation has taken my initial fears away but it still tears at my core. I wanted to cancel this morning it got so bad. I won't. I can't. I need to go. Something in Dallas is calling my soul. This is why I believe that this might be a Satan thing. God's let Satan come into my situation to help me learn and grow. I have no problem with that. I just have a problem with the physical side effects that it has. I get irritable, quiet, my stomach starts to twist and turn, and I throw up. A lot. It's not pleasant, but that's what happens as I'm learning a valuable lesson for my arsenal. So out of all of the five days, I won't be under my own control for at the most six hours total. That's planning for traffic and delays...
Leading into the next thing I absolutely can't do... Sit anywhere but an aisle or at the very most three seats in. It's extremely claustrophobic for me. Extremely. Being with people I know sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse. I know God's going to working on me on this one too. Not looking forward to it. It goes back to the escape mechanism built within me. I feel like by being in the middle of a row, that I can't escape. I hate it. I think that's the one thing I hate. Seeing everyone else being completely engrossed in whatever's happening but me, worrying about all the "if's." It's frustrating, and I have tried, in earnest, to get rid of it, but I can't shake this one...
There... I've been way too transparent for my own good. But that's what it is. Which is entirely why I am so SO stupid.
The root of it is, and it goes back to me pre-salvation days, I am scared of letting someone take me somewhere. It's stupid, but it's truth. I had it burn me in the past and I know that salvation has taken my initial fears away but it still tears at my core. I wanted to cancel this morning it got so bad. I won't. I can't. I need to go. Something in Dallas is calling my soul. This is why I believe that this might be a Satan thing. God's let Satan come into my situation to help me learn and grow. I have no problem with that. I just have a problem with the physical side effects that it has. I get irritable, quiet, my stomach starts to twist and turn, and I throw up. A lot. It's not pleasant, but that's what happens as I'm learning a valuable lesson for my arsenal. So out of all of the five days, I won't be under my own control for at the most six hours total. That's planning for traffic and delays...
Leading into the next thing I absolutely can't do... Sit anywhere but an aisle or at the very most three seats in. It's extremely claustrophobic for me. Extremely. Being with people I know sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse. I know God's going to working on me on this one too. Not looking forward to it. It goes back to the escape mechanism built within me. I feel like by being in the middle of a row, that I can't escape. I hate it. I think that's the one thing I hate. Seeing everyone else being completely engrossed in whatever's happening but me, worrying about all the "if's." It's frustrating, and I have tried, in earnest, to get rid of it, but I can't shake this one...
There... I've been way too transparent for my own good. But that's what it is. Which is entirely why I am so SO stupid.
Sunday, March 8
Learning to say goodbye isn't ever easy.
I know this is a very much superficial way to start a blog, but this is the reality. I just gave my hair a very good blow-out and it looks really great right now. Anyways...
I've been thinking quite intensely for the last few days about pretty simple things. Yet as I convey them onto a piece of paper, those complex thoughts lose their luster and the paper flies into the trashcan faster than it flew out of my head onto the paper. I'm just tired of the gift I know I have not making the grade it used to. Yet, I know why...
I'm not using it. I'm not practicing it like I used to. I'm not being as grateful as I used to be. I am just sad at myself for that. I should be using and praising this gift constantly, and I honestly haven't used it for a good month. I feel like this is a foreign country right now. Like I'm wandering the streets praying I see a landmark to cling on to. It shouldn't be like this. It should be like the town I grew up in. You know, so familiar you know when the lady with the pretty flower boxes plants a different kind of flower, or when you can tell that the old gas station got a new set of letters for it's neon sign outside. For me, I want it to be so familiar again it's like the markings along side the main road that I can still see where I've sat for so many parades.
Additionally, I've lost a bit of emotion/connection to certain things lately. On the surface you'd think that'd be a catastrophic ordeal, but in this case, it's been liberating and freeing. I love being an emotional person, but the depth and level that I was invested into a few things was unhealthy. I'll admit to this too, I was purposefully wrapped up in them in hopes that I would avoid some serious heartache that's been happening lately. No, not breakups or makeups, or silly dramas like that. This is real, raw, passionate heartbreak that exceeds all my other heartbreaks to date. This is the heartbreak surrounding my grandfather, whom I've affectionately called Papa since the day of my birth. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and I know that he is on his way to the Lords doorstep. Yet, it doesn't make the earthly pain any easier. I wish it did so badly. Yet it doesn't. It doesn't even come close. I rest in His understanding. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Granted we don't see it in the first breaks of the tragedy, but when the dust settles and dawns light appears, things begin to make sense.
I'm going to go stand outside in the 27 degree weather and remember to feel. Remember to feel like I used to. I want that emotional edge back. I want to tell how people are doing by the inflection they talk with. I want it back, especially on the paper. I am ready to have it back God, are you listening?
I've been thinking quite intensely for the last few days about pretty simple things. Yet as I convey them onto a piece of paper, those complex thoughts lose their luster and the paper flies into the trashcan faster than it flew out of my head onto the paper. I'm just tired of the gift I know I have not making the grade it used to. Yet, I know why...
I'm not using it. I'm not practicing it like I used to. I'm not being as grateful as I used to be. I am just sad at myself for that. I should be using and praising this gift constantly, and I honestly haven't used it for a good month. I feel like this is a foreign country right now. Like I'm wandering the streets praying I see a landmark to cling on to. It shouldn't be like this. It should be like the town I grew up in. You know, so familiar you know when the lady with the pretty flower boxes plants a different kind of flower, or when you can tell that the old gas station got a new set of letters for it's neon sign outside. For me, I want it to be so familiar again it's like the markings along side the main road that I can still see where I've sat for so many parades.
Additionally, I've lost a bit of emotion/connection to certain things lately. On the surface you'd think that'd be a catastrophic ordeal, but in this case, it's been liberating and freeing. I love being an emotional person, but the depth and level that I was invested into a few things was unhealthy. I'll admit to this too, I was purposefully wrapped up in them in hopes that I would avoid some serious heartache that's been happening lately. No, not breakups or makeups, or silly dramas like that. This is real, raw, passionate heartbreak that exceeds all my other heartbreaks to date. This is the heartbreak surrounding my grandfather, whom I've affectionately called Papa since the day of my birth. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and I know that he is on his way to the Lords doorstep. Yet, it doesn't make the earthly pain any easier. I wish it did so badly. Yet it doesn't. It doesn't even come close. I rest in His understanding. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Granted we don't see it in the first breaks of the tragedy, but when the dust settles and dawns light appears, things begin to make sense.
I'm going to go stand outside in the 27 degree weather and remember to feel. Remember to feel like I used to. I want that emotional edge back. I want to tell how people are doing by the inflection they talk with. I want it back, especially on the paper. I am ready to have it back God, are you listening?
Tuesday, March 3
Proceed With Caution
I got that letter from God today. Except it came in the form of a passionate response to my Savior tonight. I need to relax and enjoy the journey. I'm getting way too caught up in little things, paranoia-like moments. I need to proceed with caution, because I'm about five seconds from hurting myself emotionally. I don't want that. God doesn't want that. My Jesus doesn't want that. I just need to do exactly that. Proceed with caution.
Friday, February 13
Holding Patterns
Life in a holding pattern. We've all had times where all we want to do is get off the plane or switch destinations or even simply land at some airport, be it the right one or not. Clinging to my cup of coffee, I know that I'm being tested by none other than Flight Control. Again. I mean just as I get settled into a new flight path He comes on the intercom and totally changes the landing target and the entire path that I'm supposed to use to get there. To be quite frank, I don't really like it. I'll embrace this new challenge, but I will not immediately like doing that. I just have to remember that God is doing the because He thinks that I can handle it. More importantly, He wants me to see something through this change in flight path, this change in direction, this change in my chosen plane, this turbulence. I just don't know why my God never lets me settle into a path or even a general direction. I mean does he really have that much hope for me? Does he really value me in His kingdom that much? Is he really weighing these thoughts on me that much? It's a calling, a path, a dream He's placed me on before. Many times. Could this be it? Could I be called to do a church plant? Or even go with a group to start a completely new church? Could I be given that amount of privelege? Now is when I drop to my knees. Now is when I bow before my Lord. Now is when I pray harder. Now is when I pursue Love harder. Now is when I give Him my all. Now is when I lose my words. Now is when the only thing I can say is a simple phrase. Wow.
Monday, February 9
Be known
There’s this illusion around both you and I
That what’s going on tonight is right
I know I’ve been masked by the romance
And those careless midnight dances
How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we were never alone.
We traced our palms, our hands perfectly aligned
But when I went for your heart, you denied
When we danced, your soul sought more
Than anything I was willing to share on that darkened dance floor
How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we danced for the end.
The music comes and goes, the night crescendos to an end
The visions that poured before, trickle quietly out of my head
Sparks fading, desires cascading
I’ve got to go, you know we both know.
We’ve got to run, you know we both can.
We touch, just one more time,
Tracing palms, holding chins, kissing hearts
Goodbye, goodbye
How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
I didn’t know how to dance, before I met you.
I didn't know how to dance, before I met you.
I didn't know what love was, until I danced,
With,
you
That what’s going on tonight is right
I know I’ve been masked by the romance
And those careless midnight dances
How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we were never alone.
We traced our palms, our hands perfectly aligned
But when I went for your heart, you denied
When we danced, your soul sought more
Than anything I was willing to share on that darkened dance floor
How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we danced for the end.
The music comes and goes, the night crescendos to an end
The visions that poured before, trickle quietly out of my head
Sparks fading, desires cascading
I’ve got to go, you know we both know.
We’ve got to run, you know we both can.
We touch, just one more time,
Tracing palms, holding chins, kissing hearts
Goodbye, goodbye
How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
I didn’t know how to dance, before I met you.
I didn't know how to dance, before I met you.
I didn't know what love was, until I danced,
With,
you
Saturday, January 31
feel; for one more day
As I sit here, it's 1:23 in the morning. I have no idea why I'm up. I went out tonight, but didn't feel like I normally do when I go out. In fact, I came back home early. I could describe it as a good night, but there was something unequivocally uninteresting about it. Perhaps it's because I didn't drink. Perhaps it's because I didn't really socialize. All I know is that I didn't feel it, at all...
Which worries me.
I'm such a social butterfly that getting a chance to go out and see a ton of people who are more than willing to talk back at me truly excites me. However, this night was about reconnecting with close friends, and remembering how incredibly blessed that I am to have them. Later on on what is now today, one more of these blessings comes in from his home in Baton Rouge. And later on tonight we'll be celebrating our friendship by going a million and one places in my beautiful Seattle hometown. Yet, tonight, I just wasn't feeling like doing that whole bar scene. I was so annoyed with it that I did, I made everyone get up, and come home at about 11:30. Here, where we're all on our laptops, sipping wine, flipping through photo albums, reminiscing on the pure moments, laughing at the dramas, singing to the music that brings us together, now this, this where I want to forever be with these wonderful friends. This is what feels right. Every one else even agrees that coming home was a great idea. This is content. This is pure. This is love.
At 2:45 tomorrow, a piece of the puzzle comes in, to complete it just a little bit more. I can't wait. I am so blessed that I call for help and the troops arrive. I know I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, and on the flip side, it's amazing to know that they do the same.
I think it would be awesome to live within the same eight blocks as these people, but it's nice that we're kind of spread out. Honestly. It makes the time that we do get to share together that much more special. I learn not to take it for granted. I learn that it's something unique. I learn the value of relationships. I learn how to maintain good communication. It's a really great set-up if you ask me. Yes, it's heartbreaking every time someone gets on a plane to go back home. Yes, it hurts when they start to pack. That's when I wish for one more day. For one more day of this sweet perfection. One more day of crazy conversations, sunset chasing, sunrise chasing, spontaneous coffee runs, midnight walks, and general excitement. It is then that I remember that either I'll be going to see them in a few months, or they'll be back in a few months...
Speaking of sunrises, we've just committed to seeing whatever sunrise we get this morning, while sipping champagne and eating waffles. Yes, because we're quirky, and yes, because that's how we roll, and yes, because we're perfect.
Which worries me.
I'm such a social butterfly that getting a chance to go out and see a ton of people who are more than willing to talk back at me truly excites me. However, this night was about reconnecting with close friends, and remembering how incredibly blessed that I am to have them. Later on on what is now today, one more of these blessings comes in from his home in Baton Rouge. And later on tonight we'll be celebrating our friendship by going a million and one places in my beautiful Seattle hometown. Yet, tonight, I just wasn't feeling like doing that whole bar scene. I was so annoyed with it that I did, I made everyone get up, and come home at about 11:30. Here, where we're all on our laptops, sipping wine, flipping through photo albums, reminiscing on the pure moments, laughing at the dramas, singing to the music that brings us together, now this, this where I want to forever be with these wonderful friends. This is what feels right. Every one else even agrees that coming home was a great idea. This is content. This is pure. This is love.
At 2:45 tomorrow, a piece of the puzzle comes in, to complete it just a little bit more. I can't wait. I am so blessed that I call for help and the troops arrive. I know I'd do it for them in a heartbeat, and on the flip side, it's amazing to know that they do the same.
I think it would be awesome to live within the same eight blocks as these people, but it's nice that we're kind of spread out. Honestly. It makes the time that we do get to share together that much more special. I learn not to take it for granted. I learn that it's something unique. I learn the value of relationships. I learn how to maintain good communication. It's a really great set-up if you ask me. Yes, it's heartbreaking every time someone gets on a plane to go back home. Yes, it hurts when they start to pack. That's when I wish for one more day. For one more day of this sweet perfection. One more day of crazy conversations, sunset chasing, sunrise chasing, spontaneous coffee runs, midnight walks, and general excitement. It is then that I remember that either I'll be going to see them in a few months, or they'll be back in a few months...
Speaking of sunrises, we've just committed to seeing whatever sunrise we get this morning, while sipping champagne and eating waffles. Yes, because we're quirky, and yes, because that's how we roll, and yes, because we're perfect.
Tuesday, January 27
Wish the tears away.
Sitting here, trying to watch the sunset in front of me
I can't begin to trace the meaning that you bring
I just wanna hold your hand your hand in mine
Change the face of time.
I lay in the grass trying to wish the tears away
But I can't because everywhere I look there you remain
Even in the shadows I can hear your name resound
I'm so lost, and I'm just trying to be found.
--
You. Yes, you. You broke my heart last night. I hope you can live with that for the rest of your life. I hope and pray that I let you go for the right reasons. I wanted you so badly, I want you so badly. I just need to let you go.
I can't begin to trace the meaning that you bring
I just wanna hold your hand your hand in mine
Change the face of time.
I lay in the grass trying to wish the tears away
But I can't because everywhere I look there you remain
Even in the shadows I can hear your name resound
I'm so lost, and I'm just trying to be found.
--
You. Yes, you. You broke my heart last night. I hope you can live with that for the rest of your life. I hope and pray that I let you go for the right reasons. I wanted you so badly, I want you so badly. I just need to let you go.
Sunday, January 25
Back in His arms again...
I've been dwelling in Him a lot lately. Sadly, it's been because I've been obnoxiously sick. I think that's why I got sick in all honesty. I haven't been dwelling in Him like I promised Him I would try to. I've been trying, don't get me wrong, but I haven't been trying to the way I promised.
The more and more I grow, the more and more I don't understand Jesus Christ. Honestly, with all those books on my shelf about Him, you think I'd be a scholar of the life He lived. Yet, the more I come into knowledge of Him, the more the wonder increases.
Here I sit, trying to justify my actions lately. My selfish, selfish actions. I am not someone I like very much right now, I'm going to be quite honest about that. It's terrifying really some of my thoughts. I'm working on giving them back. Because He is preparing the perfect things for me. I just need to wait. I need to stop trying to manipulate this situation. I am such a hypocrite in this moment. My second of all of my pet peeves is manipulative people, and right now I am one. That really doesn't make me feel very wholesome and driven as I'd like... I'm working with God on this. With Him I can and will be renewed, but I must seek it through Him and Him alone. He is everything. I am His chosen daughter and I need to get focused on His amazing possibilities in my life. I just want to be back in His arms again. Back in the Kingdom, because right now, I feel like I'm kind of a "rouge Christian."
The more and more I grow, the more and more I don't understand Jesus Christ. Honestly, with all those books on my shelf about Him, you think I'd be a scholar of the life He lived. Yet, the more I come into knowledge of Him, the more the wonder increases.
Here I sit, trying to justify my actions lately. My selfish, selfish actions. I am not someone I like very much right now, I'm going to be quite honest about that. It's terrifying really some of my thoughts. I'm working on giving them back. Because He is preparing the perfect things for me. I just need to wait. I need to stop trying to manipulate this situation. I am such a hypocrite in this moment. My second of all of my pet peeves is manipulative people, and right now I am one. That really doesn't make me feel very wholesome and driven as I'd like... I'm working with God on this. With Him I can and will be renewed, but I must seek it through Him and Him alone. He is everything. I am His chosen daughter and I need to get focused on His amazing possibilities in my life. I just want to be back in His arms again. Back in the Kingdom, because right now, I feel like I'm kind of a "rouge Christian."
Wednesday, January 21
Lie To Me
Lie to me just once more
Tell me that I'm pretty one more time
Find my heart and mend it carefully
Hold my hand in yours, let's walk the line
In the sand, feel the sun on our shoulders,
You are everything to me,
Everything, won't you lie to me, just one more time.
Sun drenched kisses, and rain soaked dances
Were they all in vain, or is that just you?
Lie to me. Please, just one more time.
Lie to me. Let's take back time.
Tell me that I'm pretty one more time
Find my heart and mend it carefully
Hold my hand in yours, let's walk the line
In the sand, feel the sun on our shoulders,
You are everything to me,
Everything, won't you lie to me, just one more time.
Sun drenched kisses, and rain soaked dances
Were they all in vain, or is that just you?
Lie to me. Please, just one more time.
Lie to me. Let's take back time.
Monday, January 19
Tomorrow
Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is January 20th, 2009. Tomorrow, our nation, our great, grand nation moves on. Moves forward. From what will be known as a failed presidency. We move forward with optimism in our steps, and our hearts heavy all the same. We have debt, we have wars, we have an economy unstable, we have a lot on our shoulders. In Barack Obama there is hope, even I, a relatively staunch conservative, can hop on board with. He is already shifting things. He's about community, not about communism. I don't believe that communism is where we're headed in the next four (or eight) years. I believe that healing is where we're headed. I believe we will see our wars come to a close. I believe that the American public will hold their heads high and their gait strong and swift.
I believe we have to trust this man, who tomorrow (today for some of you) on January 20th, 2009 becomes the President of the United States of America. I believe he is a fresh breath. I believe that even though my top candidate did not make the American public feel the same way, that he must be respected.
He has already been serving the community. In fact today he helped renovate a homeless boys shelter this morning. He's putting in honest elbow work...
January 20th, 2009. We believed in change and now we are living it. Through God's own will, we are living it. Now it's our turn to not only see the change but be the change.
In God We Trust. Welcome to the next four (or eight) years! Congratulations Barack Obama. With you, yes we can!
I believe we have to trust this man, who tomorrow (today for some of you) on January 20th, 2009 becomes the President of the United States of America. I believe he is a fresh breath. I believe that even though my top candidate did not make the American public feel the same way, that he must be respected.
He has already been serving the community. In fact today he helped renovate a homeless boys shelter this morning. He's putting in honest elbow work...
January 20th, 2009. We believed in change and now we are living it. Through God's own will, we are living it. Now it's our turn to not only see the change but be the change.
In God We Trust. Welcome to the next four (or eight) years! Congratulations Barack Obama. With you, yes we can!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)