Christmas bells are ringing. Christmas bells are RING-ING!
Things are actually going to be okay...
For the time being, I have to continually remind myself of that. At about this time last year, I was introduced to the most amazing person, and ever since then, life has been nothing short of a whirlwind of triumph and struggle and victory and defeat. Yet, I find myself saying that things are going to be okay, because, I know they will be. It's not that this person has created this environment, or is even a factor in it, but they have helped me grow in ways I didn't know I needed growing. It reminds me that yes, things are going to be just fine...
Christmas is in a few days, and I have no idea what brought it around so quickly this year. I just got used to the year 2008 and now it's officially drawing near to its end. I'm ready for a few weeks of vacation. The opportunity to sleep past the sunrise for a solid ten days thrills my being. Time with family, and time with friends is essential for me in this season. I am excited this Christmas time.
Saturday, December 13
Monday, December 8
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Snowflake Lane
It's incredible what just fifteen minutes can do for someone. For me fifteen minutes of a drum line parked along Bellevue Way was all it took to regain some serious focus on life. Quite simply, I've been living too hard lately. But not in the sense most take it...
I'm talking that I'm forcing myself to grow up when it should be a natural process. Yes, I could be a late bloomer in some aspects, but still, you can't force change. I had been forcing change. Now, because of some bubbles masquerading as snowflakes, heavily costumed high schoolers and college-aged drummers, and a peppermint lollipop I have regained some perspective on just who I should be. I should be me. I should be me, in my own way, on my own time.
It's December 8th. Christmas is just around the corner and I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that things are changing. People will come and some will leave and I just need to accept that.
However, I've found just a little bit of Christmas Joy. To that, I will cling to, recklessly. That said, I am so grateful for my God, and my Savior. With them, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. So my ultimate joy is found in Him.
I'm talking that I'm forcing myself to grow up when it should be a natural process. Yes, I could be a late bloomer in some aspects, but still, you can't force change. I had been forcing change. Now, because of some bubbles masquerading as snowflakes, heavily costumed high schoolers and college-aged drummers, and a peppermint lollipop I have regained some perspective on just who I should be. I should be me. I should be me, in my own way, on my own time.
It's December 8th. Christmas is just around the corner and I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that things are changing. People will come and some will leave and I just need to accept that.
However, I've found just a little bit of Christmas Joy. To that, I will cling to, recklessly. That said, I am so grateful for my God, and my Savior. With them, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. So my ultimate joy is found in Him.
Thursday, December 4
This Christmas..
This Christmas is slowly and surely turning into a Christmas like I have never known. Our normal family tradition is messed up completely. Some of my closest and best friends are leaving for the entire holiday season. None of the friends that normally come back home are making that journey back this year. I am deeply sad by all this. I know that when the week of Christmas does come that I will be excited and that I'll really appreciate all that Christ has done for me just that little more than usual...
Yet, tradition is tradition, and I do believe that my entire tradition has been sacrificed this year. It doesn't entirely make sense to me, although I am extremely excited to see the few people I will be seeing. Anyways,...
I got to writing last night. It was only a little stanza, but I really enjoy it because I think it reflects how I feel about things right now perfectly. Here's that stanza...
Crazy is my heart as I dive into you
Breaking the mold as I fall into step
Glorious love resounding intrinsically
Silhouettes cast, laying side by side
Forgetting the past, faithful to the future
Awesomely praising raw passion
We are like one tonight...
I just wish he got it. After all the sun's about to set and the sky will be getting very dark soon.
Yet, tradition is tradition, and I do believe that my entire tradition has been sacrificed this year. It doesn't entirely make sense to me, although I am extremely excited to see the few people I will be seeing. Anyways,...
I got to writing last night. It was only a little stanza, but I really enjoy it because I think it reflects how I feel about things right now perfectly. Here's that stanza...
Crazy is my heart as I dive into you
Breaking the mold as I fall into step
Glorious love resounding intrinsically
Silhouettes cast, laying side by side
Forgetting the past, faithful to the future
Awesomely praising raw passion
We are like one tonight...
I just wish he got it. After all the sun's about to set and the sky will be getting very dark soon.
Wednesday, December 3
Taking the Drive
I think I'll be taking an extensive drive today on the way home. It just feels like one of those nights that I need to be in my car, in the quiet, listening to the quiet and making a difference in my own mind. I've begun to neglect myself again and I feel horrible about that. Entirely. If I'm not myself, or in my own perspective, how am I supposed to help the ones who mean the most to me? How am I supposed to be shoulder to lean on if I haven't made sure that my shoulder is strong enough to support myself. I've been leaning into someone lately that I don't think I should be leaning in to. Well, maybe I should be, but I just feel like it's perhaps... busywork for him rather than actually affecting lives. Well, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I've learned my lesson and will not be making the same mistake twice. Alright, it's already been more than twice, but you catch my flow... until next time...
Love me, hate me, say what you want about me...
I got a very rude awakening today. No matter how nice you are, there's still going to be people who want to kill you or worse, spread rumors about you. My integrity means a lot to me and when it gets compromised, I get very defensive. In essence today I got micro-managed! Me, MICRO MANAGED. It doesn't even properly compute. Then, after my gracious servitude to her cause, she proceeds to tell her little "circle" which also happens to be partly my "circle" that I was ineffective in my position and that she's not going to trust me anymore. Thankfully, the listening ears were smarter than to believe that and came directly to me when they found out.
I have no idea... I just know that maybe, just maybe, I'm too nice. That would be sad, because I don't mind being too nice. It's when people ask for my help, I give it, and then they override all the work I put in, and with not a single thank you, may I remind you.
In other news, my Britney Spears tickets have officially been secured. Life is great! I'm seeing an EXCELLENT show with an EXCELLENT person!
I have no idea... I just know that maybe, just maybe, I'm too nice. That would be sad, because I don't mind being too nice. It's when people ask for my help, I give it, and then they override all the work I put in, and with not a single thank you, may I remind you.
In other news, my Britney Spears tickets have officially been secured. Life is great! I'm seeing an EXCELLENT show with an EXCELLENT person!
Tuesday, December 2
Chaos: The Britney Effect
Today, I will be buying two tickets to the most nostalgic event ever. I will be attending a Britney Spears concert. The Pussycat Dolls are the scheduled opener. The date is April 9th, 2009. It will be excellent. Chaos in the circus will be intense. The fire in my heart, even moreso. Presale starts in fourteen minutes. It will be the show of the year...
Also, life has re-stabilized a little. It's nice. You take the simple things for granted sometimes. I need to remember not to do that again.
Also, life has re-stabilized a little. It's nice. You take the simple things for granted sometimes. I need to remember not to do that again.
Sunday, November 30
Falling Free
Falling free
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
It's not who I was, but
It's who I am and it's
All because of the Lamb
Whose blood came to redeem
So I lift up my voice and
I proudly proclaim
That I follow the lead
of Him, Most Holy
and I'm falling...
Falling free...
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
It's not who I was, but
It's who I am and it's
All because of the Lamb
Whose blood came to redeem
So I lift up my voice and
I proudly proclaim
That I follow the lead
of Him, Most Holy
and I'm falling...
Falling free...
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
Friday, November 28
Mystery Part V
I’m sitting here listening to a song that I so profoundly remember. Not because of its intricate beauty and cascading melody lines. Not because of the true depth of lyrics and carefully interwoven emotionally driven piano playing. I remember this song because of the moment I go back to, and the way God worked at my heart at that very moment...
We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...
The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...
“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”
This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...
God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...
Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.
This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.
We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...
The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...
“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”
This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...
God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...
Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.
This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.
Tuesday, November 25
Mystery Part IV
The human nature is sadly selfish. The mystery is how we choose to live it when we know this is true. I know that this is true, yet I still, no matter how selfless I pass a smile to a stranger, get some small boost in my own soul. That's the human condition.
I try consciously not to let that manifest into a full bloom ego trip. Yet so many others choose to let that manifestation occur...
In other news, my heart is open on a while new playing field today. My old wounds aren't affecting me and my present and future have me excited. That said I may have slipped back into my depression a little bit again. I don't necessarily like it, but it's where I learn a lot, and find that some of my best writings and thoughts happen. I'm hopeful that my open heart and open eyes are keys to the desperate writing my hand has been begging to do. Begging.
Seeking sunrises lately has seemed more a burden than a reward, yet I will continue to do so because He has called me to do so. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so many perspectives on the human condition. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so may perspectives on my own personal condition. See exactly where I stand after the dust settles.
I try consciously not to let that manifest into a full bloom ego trip. Yet so many others choose to let that manifestation occur...
In other news, my heart is open on a while new playing field today. My old wounds aren't affecting me and my present and future have me excited. That said I may have slipped back into my depression a little bit again. I don't necessarily like it, but it's where I learn a lot, and find that some of my best writings and thoughts happen. I'm hopeful that my open heart and open eyes are keys to the desperate writing my hand has been begging to do. Begging.
Seeking sunrises lately has seemed more a burden than a reward, yet I will continue to do so because He has called me to do so. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so many perspectives on the human condition. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so may perspectives on my own personal condition. See exactly where I stand after the dust settles.
Friday, November 21
Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)
It's a beautiful reality in which we live. Granted it has become polluted, corrupted and damaged deeply. That said, I still believe it's beautiful. Why? Because the human condition is so unique and so individual even between siblings raised of the same parents. Even deeper, my brother and I have been raised by the same schools, been to the same places, experienced the same things, yet we're so different. I know that individuality is programmed into our beings, but you would expect that with so many variables the same that we'd at least turn out somewhat similar. Truth is, we're on opposite paradigms. Bigger truth, it's totally cool. He lives so differently from me, yet maintains great morals, has high hopes for himself, and he loves unconditionally. It's really cool that I get to learn from him day in and day out. I love him.
Anyways, as I've begun to process exactly how sick my grandfather is, the more thankful and appreciative I become that I've been given so much time with him. I just pray that he lives a strong, wonderful, love-filled life up until his final breath. I pray that this brings the family into closeness. I pray that this fills the holes and that the grudges get left in the dust. I pray for unconditional wisdom in the doctors and surgeons and whoever lays a hand medically into his life. I pray they live in His will. I pray that he lives in His will. I pray for my Nana. I just pray.
Anyways, as I've begun to process exactly how sick my grandfather is, the more thankful and appreciative I become that I've been given so much time with him. I just pray that he lives a strong, wonderful, love-filled life up until his final breath. I pray that this brings the family into closeness. I pray that this fills the holes and that the grudges get left in the dust. I pray for unconditional wisdom in the doctors and surgeons and whoever lays a hand medically into his life. I pray they live in His will. I pray that he lives in His will. I pray for my Nana. I just pray.
Tuesday, November 18
Stop the music
Well, not really, but that is the title of this piece of work I've just done up...
-- Stop the Music --
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Sitting here in a room painted blue
I can't help but notice the painful truth
Looking upon our generation so confused
Singing the songs, the fallen songs, I will refuse...
To ignore the whisper...
Then I will respond to the call...
And then... I'll tell the world
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Clicking through the radio one day
Trying to grasp just what the world wants to say
Lyrics full of things His heart breaks for
I can't help but the think...
What if I showed love instead of ignored...
That faint little voice on my heart
That feeling that tells me to awaken...
To start... I will shout...
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Looking at the sunrise, I hear this little whisper
It's Him telling everyone near and far to...
Stop the music, let me your God sing
Over all of creation, it's my majesty
Pause the song, let me your God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let my love for you rain down like a torrential rain
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep...
Deep...
Grace
-- Stop the Music --
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Sitting here in a room painted blue
I can't help but notice the painful truth
Looking upon our generation so confused
Singing the songs, the fallen songs, I will refuse...
To ignore the whisper...
Then I will respond to the call...
And then... I'll tell the world
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Clicking through the radio one day
Trying to grasp just what the world wants to say
Lyrics full of things His heart breaks for
I can't help but the think...
What if I showed love instead of ignored...
That faint little voice on my heart
That feeling that tells me to awaken...
To start... I will shout...
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Looking at the sunrise, I hear this little whisper
It's Him telling everyone near and far to...
Stop the music, let me your God sing
Over all of creation, it's my majesty
Pause the song, let me your God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let my love for you rain down like a torrential rain
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep...
Deep...
Grace
Monday, November 17
RE//birth
This past weekend has been somewhat of a roller coaster. The full summary is in the works but here's what's been laid upon my heart as of right now and I'd like to write it down before it leaves...
My grandfather has been diagnosed with serious cancer. I believe in miracles, and I'm leaning into Him for the strength I need. I'm trying to get my family there too.
On the other hand, I was at my annual Christian Musician Summit this past weekend and it was exceptionally brilliant. That's where that summary I'm talking about is going to come from...
Anyways, I'd had quite the dry songwriting stretch up until I re-opened my heart and my eyes a little bit... Here's what came from it, mind you, it's still not complete or done, but here's what my heart poured onto the page.
-- Consuming Love ---
Captivated by Your consuming love
I just wanna be close to You
Inspired by Your unending grace
I just wanna follow Your way
What you did when you died for me
Has unveiled my eyes and now I see...
That Your love reaches to the heavens
Your grace touches the sky
That Your mercy falls to the ground
like rain And Your truth abounds
----
My grandfather has been diagnosed with serious cancer. I believe in miracles, and I'm leaning into Him for the strength I need. I'm trying to get my family there too.
On the other hand, I was at my annual Christian Musician Summit this past weekend and it was exceptionally brilliant. That's where that summary I'm talking about is going to come from...
Anyways, I'd had quite the dry songwriting stretch up until I re-opened my heart and my eyes a little bit... Here's what came from it, mind you, it's still not complete or done, but here's what my heart poured onto the page.
-- Consuming Love ---
Captivated by Your consuming love
I just wanna be close to You
Inspired by Your unending grace
I just wanna follow Your way
What you did when you died for me
Has unveiled my eyes and now I see...
That Your love reaches to the heavens
Your grace touches the sky
That Your mercy falls to the ground
like rain And Your truth abounds
----
Monday, November 10
Family
Today my mother and I had a rare hour to ourselves. I had the best time. We just had a quick lunch and a deep conversation, but that's why I love it. She challenges my faith in God but not because she doesn't believe, but because she believes differently. As I was sitting biting my way through my chicken wrap, she dropped a faith bomb on me today.
It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."
To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.
I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.
It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."
To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.
I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.
Wednesday, November 5
Moving forward...
Yesterday.
November 4th, 2008. It was a Tuesday. At 8:03 PM they officially named Barack Obama as president-elect. At 8:23 PM John McCain took his well decorated stage and conceded his race. At 9:00 PM, Barack Obama made his acceptance speech. As soon as that speech concluded, the next four years have become extremely interesting. I am eager to see what God has in store for my great nation. There's a reason for everything. I am going to pray like I have never prayed before and I mean that literally. I have never prayed for the leader of my country. I will do so, and I will do it very often. I have never been more unsure of the future, but I know that God has His hand in everything and that Barack Obama has been placed in the place he is in for a very specific reason.
I am nervously excited for the next four years.
November 4th, 2008. It was a Tuesday. At 8:03 PM they officially named Barack Obama as president-elect. At 8:23 PM John McCain took his well decorated stage and conceded his race. At 9:00 PM, Barack Obama made his acceptance speech. As soon as that speech concluded, the next four years have become extremely interesting. I am eager to see what God has in store for my great nation. There's a reason for everything. I am going to pray like I have never prayed before and I mean that literally. I have never prayed for the leader of my country. I will do so, and I will do it very often. I have never been more unsure of the future, but I know that God has His hand in everything and that Barack Obama has been placed in the place he is in for a very specific reason.
I am nervously excited for the next four years.
Friday, October 31
Holding onto what is easy...
Losing the easy things in life is a lot harder than it seems. Why? Because they're easy. They come naturally. They're just... easy. I'm learning that the easy things are the things that aren't worth it. Why? Because I didn't sacrifice in order to gain. I didn't lose in order to see...
I like working for the things I love the most. Mainly I love working at relationships. I don't like the good ones handed to me. I like some element of challenge. I have that in all my close relationships. Granted, I love stability, but I like to fight for love. Jesus fought for love. I think I should too...
In other news, it's gotten pretty cold here in Seattle. It's nice. I can bring out the layers and scarves and cute skull caps again. It's not quite cold enough for the caps yet but I can feel it on the horizon. In a strange way, I love the cold. It reminds me that I can be vulnerable and lean on something if I need to. It's great.
I'm slipping into an old habit again... It's not necessarily good. But it feels so right that it can't be wrong. Well, I know it's wrong. But it feels so good. Liquid poison is definitely flowing freely through my veins...
Thursday, October 23
Feel the Sting...
I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.
I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.
He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.
He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.
What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.
I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.
I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.
I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.
He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.
He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.
What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.
I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.
I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.
Wednesday, October 22
Back at Square One
Yeah, we all know what it's like to be put back, no, forced back to square one. Quite honestly, and forgive my bluntness, it really sucks. I know that this is definitely not the most eloquently stated phrase but it's the real truth and it's not even deep under my skin or anything. Sick...
Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...
Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...
There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.
So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.
Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...
Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...
There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.
So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.
Friday, October 10
Sanctuary
Sanctuary - a place of refuge from hardship or trial.
I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.
Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?
I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.
Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?
Defy Gravity
So, when you have something that seems so far out of grasp what do you do? You defy gravity of course!
"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...
No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.
What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...
This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...
The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.
I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!
Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.
"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...
No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.
What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...
This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...
The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.
I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!
Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.
Thursday, October 9
It's a long time coming...
I'm finally coming clean, can't you see boy, you're the only one for me. You've got everything that I want and more. You've got the world inside you I just want to explore. Take over me, I'm willing. Let me take you over, I'm feeling like you want it more...
We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...
---
Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.
---
I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.
---
In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.
---
I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.
We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...
---
Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.
---
I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.
---
In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.
---
I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.
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