Three words.

HE. IS. REMEDY
there, was i clear enough?

Needless to say, I needed some great therapy and I turned to Him. Probably, honestly, for one of the first times ever I turned my eyes upward and fell to my knees. I pray a lot, and I go to Him a lot. But usually I sit here and try to help myself or seek earthly counsel. I sought Him, and He rewarded me. I am learning the discipline.

HE. IS. REMEDY.

Not Going Back...

As much as I sit here questioning the realness of Jesus Christ and the reality of God, you'd think I would have gone atheist a long long time ago. Heck if not as drastic as atheism, even agnostic would have been too far away.

I don't know why I'm questioning it so much lately, I never have before. Is it because I've become complacent? Chances are good. Chances are very good that I have. I don't like complacency. Is it natural? Sure. Even the most passionate of people get complacent within their fields for short times. Yet somehow they work through it and find the realness, the rawness of their passion. I know I have it somewhere, somewhere locked within this tired person.

I am so thankful for my Jesus. I am so thankful that I have a Creator. I know that and I will never go back to the time before I got saved. I spent too much time getting hurt and hurting other people. I love to live for others now. I strive to make sure everyone I know is constantly doing well. I strive to show my Creator just how much I love him. Whether through using this written gift, my vocal gifts, or whatever else he chooses to bring forth. I sink a little deeper under the covers as I write this. I am so thankful I have a warm bed and a loving family to call my own. The blessings of God upon my life are great and very close between.

I'm not going back. I just wish I wasn't questioning doing so. It scares me that I am. My heart knows the realness of God, my logical mind tells me that there's no way it's true. It's dangerous. But I'm not going back.

NOT. GOING. BACK.

Not-So-Anonymous

Dear Not-So-Anonymous,

Tonight, I cried for you. I don't know why. I cried out of deep place in my heart that I didn't know I had. One of desire that I never knew. I met you and the world stopped. I went home and on my knees begged the Savior of my soul to let me see you again, just one more time. He's granted my wish, several more times since then. Your name sits on my mind all day long and I don't know why. My past had a clear grip of my soul until that moment I came across you. You gave me hope, you looked at me with a childish smile that told of a struggle on the inside. Whether you read this or not isn't my concern. It's whether you know it or not. For the first time ever, I dreamed of having someone falling asleep next to me. I am praying in silent urgency to the Savior in your name. I am so amazed by your walk. I am so amazed by the way you hold up yourself. That moment you came into my life, the world stopped and my heartbeat raced, for just that moment when our eyes met. I don't know what's come over me. I don't know, but I like it and I never want it to go away.

Pray with me now. Humble yourself before God. So that we may never be separated again.

With Love, Amanda

Blank Pages.

I sit here desperately trying to write, anything. This page is blank and the limits of my imagination is non-existent. Yet nothing comes from it. The words that I write and erase and write again feel meaningless on this night. I am restless and my heart just will not quiet. I think it stems from some of my actions that I've been suffering from lately. I am such a sinner, and I'll never ever be able to be clean again. I desperately crave purity. Desperately. I want it for His sake, I want it for my husband's sake. I want it for anyone who I've ever "preached" to and never told them my struggles in return.

I want to write here and now in this moment, yet nothing seems worthy of His time. Do I even really hold a court with Him when I screw up? Do I ever regain the solidarity of our relationship before I started slipping? I question it everytime, yet everytime there He is picking me up from the misery that I've made myself.

As one of my most favorite songs proclaims...
"I know that my Redeemer lives and now I stand on what He did. My Savior, my Savior lives. Every day a brand new chance to say, Jesus You are the only Way. My Savior, my Savior lives."

Why is it that I know all these cliche' biblical truths yet I can't truly wrap myself around how wonderful and amazing they are? Why is that most Christians recognize these simple biblical truths and can't even begin to fathom their true depth and liberating freedoms.

I am saved by the blood of Christ. I am no longer that person I was before I was saved. I am a committed member of His army. Yet, for all that, I can never dedicate enough of myself to Him. Why? Because He gave it all for me. In crucifixion. I love my Jesus. I love my God. I love the Holy Spirit that dwells so powerfully in me.

My prayers are selfish right now. I should be praising Him for all that I'm blessed with, but all I seem to be doing is praying for an open door. One open door that would truly complete me. I will go wherever He sends me as long as He sends me with a certain person. That's the selfish girl inside of me talking. I should be praying for my future beloved. I should be praying for an opportunity to serve Him. I should be on my knees facedown in guilt begging for repentance. Yet, I'm at His table, blindfolded and not sure where the next step to take even starts.

My eyes have started to get tired. I've been sitting here for almost three hours and this is all that my mind has been able to bring forward. It started out as a blank page, yet now it has real substance. A conclusive statement. That statement? I need to be the soldier and the child of God I signed up to be. That's it. That's a lot, but that's it.

Turns out this page wasn't so blank after all.

Carry Me

Swinging from plastic church to tequila bar in the stars,
Looking for the next "something else"...
I can't help but feel a little lost,
A little left out of the proverbial picture.

From empty stares, and incomplete minds
Sacred sad stories and people hiding in lies...

There you were looking at me, with eyes of grace.
I always knew you were looking at me,
But never until now did I really see,
Just what kind of man you turned out to be,

You have the strength of a million men
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You have the love of above
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You gave it all for me
Carry me Jesus, carry me
I could not have been more blind
Carry me Jesus, carry me

Started to turn my back on you, promising that "This is the end"
Yet a divine tragedy put you in front of my face yet again.
You took my hand, led me from the liquid I so desperately sought
I fought and you never let me go,

You have the strength of a million men
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You have the love of above
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You gave it all for me
Carry me Jesus, carry me
I could not have been more blind
Carry me Jesus, carry me
Carry me Jesus, carry me

Lead me from my hypocrisy
Carry me Mercy, carry me
Lead me from temptation
Carry me Grace, carry me
Make this blind heart see
Carry me Love, carry me
Help me remember that You're the Holy,
Jesus, Jesus carry me.
Carry me, Jesus, carry me.

Creating That Old Time Melody

It's all about that old time melody for me lately. The ones of the 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. Where originality still existed, where people consistently pushed the ear's boundaries and the world's limits. It seems like lately, especially in Christian music, there's nothing new. It's all the same, just repackaged in a different artist or resampled into a "live" version. While I seriously enjoy my Christian music and am to my core thankful for it, it's just, unoriginal. I know that corporate worship means just that corporate worship, where the chords need to be easily used around the world, and the melody lines precise yet "allowing of spontaneous worship". Seriously, the like's of Chris Tomlin, Paul Baloche, Lincoln Brewster, and Hillsong United have helped sustain me in my darkest hours. However the likes of Phil Keaggy, Jason Upton, Nate Sallie, and Family Force 5 are what moves me. They're people who push the intellectual boundaries and the spiritual levels up by multitudes with such great annointing from God. Just take a look at any of Jason Upton's lyrics and you'll see great uniqueness. Take a listen to Phil Keaggy's deliciously amazing guitar skills, you'll see His hands working through Phil's. You look at Family Force 5, who appeal across the boundaries of Christianity and the Secular with no abandon, bringing in the most devout of Christians, and the most devout of Atheists alike. Then you take Nate Sallie who's stylish vocal talent paired with his ability to be as "likeable" as Chris Tomlin stays just indie enough to get away with it while infusing a great multitude of genres.

Corporate has the ability to lead a congregation, not a revolution. Music's gotta reach into the heart of the individual for revolution to happen. Revolutionary music starts back from the beginning, heavy in melody and accompanying deep harmonies and unique twists on the simple. Make it unpredictable, make the lyrics scream at the listener to move to action. Change the face of the church.

iHEARTrevolution. Hillsong's next project title. Let's see just what it can bring to my table.

I thank God for music every day. I thank God I am alive enough to hear what I've heard. I am praying to God to let me live long enough to hear the final trumpet call descend from heaven with a roar of flames.

Genuine Love Affair

I'm becoming more and more aware of one great big thing.

My relationship with Jesus is a genuine love affair. It's hot, it's heavy, it's scandalous, it's deep, it's raw, it's powerful, and it's real. So real I sometimes swear I feel his breath hot on my shoulder giving me the encouragement to go forward. There are times when I've truly felt a hand wrap itself around mine and felt the wind carry the comfort of my Saviour through my hair. I love my Jesus. I used to think He was all warm and soft and gentle and sweet. Rapidly my Jesus is turning into a warrior drenched in His blood He sacrificed on the battle field for my name. He's turning into my wonderful lover who teaches me a little bit more each and every breath. He's turning into my Great Commander upon a stormy sea. I hear His name resound in my head. I exalt His name wherever there is room to be heard. He is not just a representation of Love. He is not just a representation of Life. HE IS LOVE. HE IS LIFE.

He is the single-most thing that I'm grateful for. I am so blessed by Him. I am so blessed He walks my path with me. I love the raw emotion. I love the sometimes-quiet, sometimes-loud desperation I am called to. I am in a genuine love affair with Jesus Christ. His sacrifice is always bringing me back to my knees in front of His cross.

He never has left me and I didn't know why I thought he did. He will never leave me and I don't know why I thought He Ever would. I love Jesus Christ.

close your eyes

Close your eyes. Who knew that three little words could be such a deeply spiritual thing for me. Certainly not me. In efforts to start fulfilling my resolutions, I went to the gym today, am writing currently, and am about to spend my quality time with God before I drift off to sleep. Tonight the wind is blowing. I close my eyes and listen to the air move. It comes in tides, much like an ocean. It is really relaxing honestly. That's what I need to do in order to reconnect with my Lord. Relax. Actually going to the gym today was incredibly relaxing. I can't tell you why yet, but I can tell you that I'll be going way more often. There's this machine that simulates what a paddle-boat does and I believe that I could spend a long long time on that imagining that I really were in the middle of a quiet lake with the surface of the water as smooth as glass. Which brings me to another thought...

The ripple effect. As best I can define it is this. A ripple effect is where one small action creates much larger effect than originally was planned. Let's say you and your friend get into a really big fight. Say you say something that was totally uncalled for, but in the heat of the moment sounded completely rational. Your best friend retracts obviously hurt and you leave the conversation awkwardly. Next thing you know you're getting phone calls from other people saying how shallow and callous you are. Next, you're being univited to things. All that time, people take your side as well. Friends are forced against friends and then you feel extremely awkward. Not exactly how you thought that your little argument would go right?

My main thing is this: Be a part of good ripples not bad ones. More importantly, start good ripples all over the place. Next thing you know the entire world will have so many ripples of goodness that they'll all overlap. Meaning we'll have a world of currents and waves, but it'll all be to better eachother. Doesn't sound like such a bad deal does it?

it's raining all around me, yet i feel drier than the sahara

guess there is a time in everyone's spirituality when they drop everything and question it. I have done just that. He is everywhere, yet, I ca not even begin to collect on His love. It is like this wall has all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere. It has affected me deeply. I do not like who I am becoming all over again. It is that same girl I ran so hard from when I became saved. When I had the fire. When I could feel the raindrops of His love on my skin. I miss Jesus. I miss God. I miss the seeker I used to be.

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I had to leave halfway through the service, which in retrospect could have been Satan's play on my weakness. I practically ran from the church, and that is certainly not me. I cling to my faith recklessly. I left the service because I felt so empty. I felt like I did not deserve to hold court with my church family. As untrue as this is, I felt that God did not want me to be there.

I miss Jesus. I miss God. Yet He is everywhere I turn. I need to be awakened. I am finally desperate like I should be, but now I need to be awakened.

Satan is a powerful adversary and I never thought that I'd lose at any point in time, yet, I feel as though I just have.

It's a weird predicament that I'm in right now. What terrifies me is that I have to make some important decisions with Joeseph soon. I'm not healthy right now and it's not fair to him to have to deal with it. Yet, he's fighting his own battles and I refuse to leave him. The complexity of the situation and the layers that are involved are enough to keep me from sleeping, much like tonight. I get reckless, I get sad, I get moved, I get on my knees and beg.

I just want to be whole again. I just want to be whole.

I wanna not feel dry anymore. I want His waters to deeply saturate my skin and flood my veins. I do not want to cling to this cup of tea thinking that it could be my last as a believer. I do not want Satan games to ruin what God has done in me.

Sadly, I think I know what I need to do in aspects of being with Joeseph. We have travelled the road many times before. Yet maybe this time, the path has finally been cleared. Cleared so that I may be able to remember, recall, and recount. I need to remember what He has done and that He has sacrificed His Son in my debt. I need to recall that I am the warrior He is chosen me to be. I need to recount the continual blessings He has in my life.

I miss Jesus. I miss God.

Quiet time.

I need quiet time. For multiple days. Away from everyone and everything I know. Just me. Quiet time. With God. With Jesus. I need escape from this earthly place. Just for a little while. Hey God, can you hear me? Can you lead me? I need to be led. Hey Jesus, I love You.

Is Desperation really calling me?
Is Desperation where I find myself?

Show me Your way God. My eyes are open. I want to ENCOUNTER you like never before.

Square Off (Strong Waters Pull Me In)

The swells of the waves beckon me,
The depths of the seas call me, so cavernous
The fires deep in the forest burn my skin,
I can't help it, I can't help you, I'm giving in...

I think you're making me love,
Though I'm not sure what, what to love.
Tell me again, whisper it, right down to my core
Tell me you'll come and save me, always
As we're leaving, I feel danger all around.
I'm about to square off, square off with the biggest sin in town
I'm about to square off with reckless abandon
But I can't help but thinking,
I maybe lost in this battle until the end.

The cup in your hand, full of liquid quick sand
The enchanted glass in your hand, it's calling the best of me
To bring out the worst in me
Take a dive, unwrap the sin, deconstruct values, fuck morality
Slowly, patiently, the strong waters take me in...

Hey you, yes, the one, dressed in the perfect hue
You call me with your words, simple yet defined.
You've got me hanging onto your every move,
Let's take shots, the room spins...
You take my hand, lead me to a secluded opportunity

I'm looking straight ahead into what could become reality
Quickly, feverishly, the rapid inferno grapples within
With one kiss the world stops
With one kiss, the innoncence ends
We've blackened our hearts, and forgotten ourselves

I'm squaring off, with my own worst enemy
I'm past the threshold,
This time I don't look back...

Up against the cold concrete
Firewater dripping through our veins
I've never felt so real, never felt so alive
That is, until I realize, I've stepped out of the Light

I squared off with the criminal,
He got the worst of me to destroy the best of me.
I was led by the adversary's deceptive hand...

I sober up, you sober down,
You drive me home, a single sentence beckons to be said
Mutually, you and I agree
Let's square off, let's do it again.

A cry in the night, father lead me home...

As I sit here in the coolness of a fall night, I am thankful. Very thankful. A couple of days ago we got the news of my grandmother's heart condition worsening. I was told to start preparing my heart to say goodbye to her potentially by Christmas. I went headstrong into deep prayer. We got the news that she will be able to stand surgery and her life is once again lengthened. This is proof that God is listening. If you don't believe it, try listening.

Some days, I don't wanna sing...

Today's not one of them. Granted, I'll be tired to the maximum by the end of tonight because I'm going to be up until around midnight. That's not the point though. The point is this: I've had brilliant conversations, I've had lingering conversations, I've had passionate conversations, and I've had heartwrenching conversations. I just got off of the phone with Bretten. We started talking at like 11:30, it's now 2:40. We didn't talk. We prayed together. I haven't done that with anyone in an intimate setting like that for a very long time. I really enjoyed it. Really and truly. We sung a cappella with each other. It was the bonding of a glorious friendship. Sealed. He may be gone for few weeks now, but that's fine. Most of the friends I choose are travellers. I don't mind it. My closest friends are the ones farthest away minus a few locals here and there.

Anyways, digging deeper. I'm coming clean tomorrow. Again. It seems like this following God thing is always about coming clean and trying your darndest to stay that way. Whether I like it or not. I won't ever come close to pure. I can only strive deep within me with the power of Christ. I've gotta let Him in. I can't fear the fire when it comes, because it does and it's what should be happening. I get that fire, and then I get scared. I can't get scared. Being fearful is cool. Getting scared affects the Kingdom negatively.

I'm going into Missions Fest tomorrow, and all of Saturday. Hoping to be revolutionized. To be activated. To be driven so deeply into a passionate calling that even thinking about turning back feels like betrayal of God's glory. There's just certain things I haven't done. I haven't done a mission. I've wanted to for a long long time. Now's where I hit the ground running. It's a full fourteen hours of missions talk, and getting connected with a possible mission. Now is the time for me to shine the light.

There are so many things happening. It's time to take back my generation.

I walk in blessed assurance...

I had a wonderful conversation today with a beautiful person who held my heart for so long. He is incredible and I am so glad things between us are working out just how I'd always dreamed they would. He understands, I understand, and we finally understand the same things.

:) There's nothing better than finding completion in something that not too long ago seemed too lost in translation... Now we're back. We're better than ever.

Remedy

He is the remedy. He is the band aid. He is the one I need to build a better relationship with. I'm tired of going to church to go for the social life. Pursuing God is about loving His people and following Him, not using His people as a filler for my life. My life is full. My life is vibrant. It's all because He chose the path that I have in store. I need to run to Him. I need to be the Christian He wants me to be.

HE IS THE REMEMDY FOR A SICK SOUL

Fellowship of the Unashamed

This is probably going to become my battle cry for life. I found it in some book I read.

""" I am part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." I have Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I've stepped over the line. The decision had been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreaming, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals!
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by practice, live by prayer, and labor by His power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popular, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, let go, or slow up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work until He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me- my banner will be clear. """

Apparently this quote's been out there, I did some research and it has listed among its original staters 3 different ones. Anonymous, an African martyr, and Overlake's former pastor Bob Moorhead. Well, whoever it was, they were definitely connected to Him deeply.

I wanna soar like the eagles...

Dreams are just realities unrealized.

Semper somnia. Carpe somnia.

A Letter To A Friend,

Dear Friend,

You may be down, you may be sad, you may not understand why things are the way they are, and you may not feel like you're alright in your situation but there is a few things you need to know. You are loved, you are valued, you will get through the struggles, and you will see the other side. It may be a while but it will come.

Don't let the people around you affect your happiness. Do what your heart tells you to do, don't let anything other than your faith affect your decisions.

You are amazing. You are a part of my life forever.

Love you unconditionally, Amanda Marie (your mandabear).

hiding between reality and eternity

Hiding between the satin sheets is a promise to be broken
Hiding between the pages is a lie waiting to be told.

Hiding between my emotions insecurity breeds within me.
There's bridges to be crossed and bridges to be burned,
but where to go when the last bridge is the last bridge to cross?

When will I be okay, when will I let fear break me?
Is this really directed towards me, or a vent of emotion?

I'm tired of you living in my life, where there's nothing but tension,
Constantly on the rise.
I'm tired of being forced into yours, where you're losing the battles,
and the battle's always beating you.

Thank God, Thank God for telling me to go.
To me, you're now nothing but a solid shadow.
Goodbye dear friend.

Creation Festival West 2007

I know it's taken forever for me to get this posted but I got back from Creation Festival West on Monday of this week. Let me tell you, it rocked my world. There was so much to do and so much to see, and so much Love in the amphitheatre. I mean seriously, I went to the venue alone and then left with three phone numbers of people as close as Spokane and as far as Tennessee. You just don't do that on the streets. Anyways... Let me break it down for you, day by day.

Tuesday, July 24-

So, I went a day earlier than the festival actually started to do some scenic stuff on the road to my hotel room. From where I live, to Ellensburg, where I had my room at is about a one and a half hour drive. Beyond that, the Gorge Amphitheatre is about another hour. Anyways, the drive to Ellensburg, which shouldn't take very long ended up taking me almost four hours. I stopped at random exits, took a few random roads here and there just to see where they might go. I didn't go too far off of I-90 because I didn't accidentally want to get lost, but it was still a cool thing to do. I got to my hotel room at around 6, took a shower, turned on the television and proceeded to make myself sleep the entire night through. Which I did.

Wednesday, July 25-

I got up and out of the room at about noon in seek of Creation. However I got a phone call from a friend who I wanted to see quite badly. So instead, of heading to what I feared would be a terrible game of waiting, we met at the local Buzz-in for a late lunch or early dinner, however you look at it. We enjoyed a lovely dinner, filled with great conversation. I'm glad we got to catch up. I then made my way out to the Gorge, hoping upon hope I'd get on-site in time to see Jars of Clay and Relient K. I did make it in for Relient K. They were amazing, simply and utterly amazing. I went back to my hotel room as quickly as I could so I could rest up for the first 8 am - 11 pm day on-site.

Thursday, July 26-

I woke myself up at what I could only deem at the time as "too early" for normal people. I proceeded to take advantage of the pastries in the lobby and I got into my car. Now, I don't know what about driving does it for me, but as soon as I get into my car, I am awake and ready for the day. I just love driving I guess. So, I got parked and was in the amphitheatre at around 9, just an hour after gates opened and got my lawn seating set up. I knew I wouldn't stay, but the beauty of being with 20,000 family members is that you can trust them. I had everything in the backpack I had brought and left it there for whoever I wanted to go down closer to the Main Stage. I even left it when I went to the Fringe Stage. Back to what I was saying, I got set up and I was led in worship by a new name to me, Phil Wickham, who has made me a quick fan. And then I heard a beautiful talk by Phil Lookadoo. I got tired and then proceeded to fall asleep. I mean, I heard Story Side B in my sleep, but I totally didn't give them the attention they probably should have deserved. It finally started heating up at this time and it got hot. At the peak of the day it got to be 97 according to my little thermometer, which I lost somewhere. After the lunch break a group named Group 1 Crew woke me up, and from that point on, I was awake the rest of the day. Now, I haven't mentioned any water consumption as of this point, because, well, I hadn't consumed any. Which, I believe, led me to the events that would unfold that night. I decided to make my way up to the Fringe Stage for Everyday Sunday and MxPx, needless to say, I'm glad I was there. Because they are both amazing live acts. I then bought my only water bottle of the day, a small 16.9 fluid ounce bottle of water, for an entire day in 97 degree heat. Yeah, I was brilliant, and I was starting to feel my brilliance. I got really tired just as Ron Luce spoke in the evening. This is when the bigger names in Christian music come out to play and tonights line up was amazing. Chris Tomlin and Switchfoot. Honestly, it doesn't really get a whole lot better than that. So I went down into the pit for them and though I was dead, I was praising at the top of my lungs in some foolish mindset that maybe if my voice was loudest that God would love me most. That's not how I feel at all, but it makes for a good laugh. It's amazing I actually made it back to my hotel room actually. I got back to my room and made myself take a long shower. Notice, I still didn't consume anymore water. Then I wrapped myself up in my comfortable pajamas and crawled into that bed and wrapped up and fell asleep with intentions of doing it all over again tomorrow.

Friday, July 27-

I got up at the same un-holy hour as the day before and immediately felt horrible. My head hurt more than it had in quite a while, my muscles were screaming, and my stomach was crying. It took me quite a while to get ready because of all of that. I got myself out and to the Gorge at 10 am, a little later than I wanted to be. I still felt really horrible, and me being me, I couldn't understand why. I then decided to go get another water bottle and I took one sip and I proceeded to throw it up. Brilliant. So I didn't drink another sip until around the time that Red took the Fringe Stage. A big reason why I came to this festival was for them, and they did an amazing job, followed by a great talk by Zoro and Day of Fire. Let me tell you, Day of Fire, rocks it, and rocks it hard. Anyways, by this time, I seriously wasn't feeling well at all. I had this huge dilemma on my hands as well. Do I stay for the rest of the day or miss the one of the two acts I'd really came for? I decided I'd catch as much of Downhere as I could and then go back to the room. Who are great and greatly under-the-radar. I love Kutless and the Newsboys, but my health needed me. So I chose to get out and I was back to the room at around 7. Where I made myself drink water, not all at once, but sip by sip. As soon as my body realized that what it was getting was the greatest-thirst quencher, I stopped throwing up. Then it occured to me, I was extremely dehydrated. So between the hours of 7 pm to 11 pm I finally had consumed enough water that seemingly I could have drowned in. But I didn't, heck, I didn't even expell any of it. My body needed that. During those four hours before I feel asleep, all my symptoms virtually disappeared. I wasn't nauesous, I was no longer suffering from dizziness, I could walk straight, I wasn't throwing up anymore, and I wasn't having the worst headache of my life. I also immediately decided to get "water smart" for tomorrow. Funny thing, I didn't suffer alone. I had a friend who had told me they were going a couple months ago call me up just around the time I was almost asleep and she was begging for somewhere comfortable to sleep for the night. She was suffering the exact same thing I was. So I said if she could find a ride into town I'd be happy to have her. She got in and settled and we were both asleep before 1 am. I'd also decided I'd take it easy tomorrow. For safety's sake.

Saturday, July 28-

I woke up at around 10 in the morning and my friend was sound asleep. I woke her up and we slowly got ready. We got to Creation at about 2pm. We separated ways at the gate, and I told her to call if she needed to get back to the room. I proceeded to buy all the merchandise that I had been looking at, and was lead by Leeland in an amazing set of songs. I didn't hear from her, and I was getting excited. David Crowder and his amazing Band were getting closer and closer. Then, just as they were about to go on, she calls me, she's at the hotel and I'm not there, and she doesn't understand why? Well, me being me, I sacrifice David Crowder for this friend who isn't quite as bright as me, and I truck my way back into town. She was grateful. Under the surface I was upset, but I put on a great front. It was actually probably a good thing in retrospect that I left when I did, because I pretty much crashed as soon as I got in. I was a lot more tired than I thought that I was.

Sunday, July 29-

My friend was gone before I woke up, but left a sweet little note and a Starbucks gift card. I had another friend I was meeting up with anyways. I met up with that friend and had an amazing conversation. I was deathly tired though. So much sun in so little time really took my energy level for a ride. So we ended our coffee date and I went back to the room for what I thought would be a nap. I'd originally intended on taking pictures around town in the sunset, but when I feel asleep I woke up at midnight and then proceeded to go from that nap, to a shower, to sleep again. I then woke up and checked out of the hotel on...

Monday, July 30-

Where I made my way home. And boy, home felt good. But Creation was a blast and a great experience. I met amazing people. I sang songs of God. I gave my tribute to my Creator and it was in a gorgeous setting. God is Good. Never doubt that. I loved every minute of it.

Made to Love.

It's the early morning, just before sunrise and all I can think of is lost Love's surprises on this generation. The one that's staring me straight in the face with hearts full of ache and eyes straining for a hope they don't think don't deserve, but that they've earned without knowing it. That's when I remember this:

He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.

We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.

Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?

Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?

Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?

I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.

Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of life. Now is the time to start that revolution.