it's raining all around me, yet i feel drier than the sahara

guess there is a time in everyone's spirituality when they drop everything and question it. I have done just that. He is everywhere, yet, I ca not even begin to collect on His love. It is like this wall has all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere. It has affected me deeply. I do not like who I am becoming all over again. It is that same girl I ran so hard from when I became saved. When I had the fire. When I could feel the raindrops of His love on my skin. I miss Jesus. I miss God. I miss the seeker I used to be.

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I had to leave halfway through the service, which in retrospect could have been Satan's play on my weakness. I practically ran from the church, and that is certainly not me. I cling to my faith recklessly. I left the service because I felt so empty. I felt like I did not deserve to hold court with my church family. As untrue as this is, I felt that God did not want me to be there.

I miss Jesus. I miss God. Yet He is everywhere I turn. I need to be awakened. I am finally desperate like I should be, but now I need to be awakened.

Satan is a powerful adversary and I never thought that I'd lose at any point in time, yet, I feel as though I just have.

It's a weird predicament that I'm in right now. What terrifies me is that I have to make some important decisions with Joeseph soon. I'm not healthy right now and it's not fair to him to have to deal with it. Yet, he's fighting his own battles and I refuse to leave him. The complexity of the situation and the layers that are involved are enough to keep me from sleeping, much like tonight. I get reckless, I get sad, I get moved, I get on my knees and beg.

I just want to be whole again. I just want to be whole.

I wanna not feel dry anymore. I want His waters to deeply saturate my skin and flood my veins. I do not want to cling to this cup of tea thinking that it could be my last as a believer. I do not want Satan games to ruin what God has done in me.

Sadly, I think I know what I need to do in aspects of being with Joeseph. We have travelled the road many times before. Yet maybe this time, the path has finally been cleared. Cleared so that I may be able to remember, recall, and recount. I need to remember what He has done and that He has sacrificed His Son in my debt. I need to recall that I am the warrior He is chosen me to be. I need to recount the continual blessings He has in my life.

I miss Jesus. I miss God.