Blank Pages.

I sit here desperately trying to write, anything. This page is blank and the limits of my imagination is non-existent. Yet nothing comes from it. The words that I write and erase and write again feel meaningless on this night. I am restless and my heart just will not quiet. I think it stems from some of my actions that I've been suffering from lately. I am such a sinner, and I'll never ever be able to be clean again. I desperately crave purity. Desperately. I want it for His sake, I want it for my husband's sake. I want it for anyone who I've ever "preached" to and never told them my struggles in return.

I want to write here and now in this moment, yet nothing seems worthy of His time. Do I even really hold a court with Him when I screw up? Do I ever regain the solidarity of our relationship before I started slipping? I question it everytime, yet everytime there He is picking me up from the misery that I've made myself.

As one of my most favorite songs proclaims...
"I know that my Redeemer lives and now I stand on what He did. My Savior, my Savior lives. Every day a brand new chance to say, Jesus You are the only Way. My Savior, my Savior lives."

Why is it that I know all these cliche' biblical truths yet I can't truly wrap myself around how wonderful and amazing they are? Why is that most Christians recognize these simple biblical truths and can't even begin to fathom their true depth and liberating freedoms.

I am saved by the blood of Christ. I am no longer that person I was before I was saved. I am a committed member of His army. Yet, for all that, I can never dedicate enough of myself to Him. Why? Because He gave it all for me. In crucifixion. I love my Jesus. I love my God. I love the Holy Spirit that dwells so powerfully in me.

My prayers are selfish right now. I should be praising Him for all that I'm blessed with, but all I seem to be doing is praying for an open door. One open door that would truly complete me. I will go wherever He sends me as long as He sends me with a certain person. That's the selfish girl inside of me talking. I should be praying for my future beloved. I should be praying for an opportunity to serve Him. I should be on my knees facedown in guilt begging for repentance. Yet, I'm at His table, blindfolded and not sure where the next step to take even starts.

My eyes have started to get tired. I've been sitting here for almost three hours and this is all that my mind has been able to bring forward. It started out as a blank page, yet now it has real substance. A conclusive statement. That statement? I need to be the soldier and the child of God I signed up to be. That's it. That's a lot, but that's it.

Turns out this page wasn't so blank after all.