Piano melodies take me deeper...

There's something about the way a piano sounds. Especially if it is just the piano and maybe the occasional drum pattern or synthesized effect over it. It haunts the souls deepest memories, brings forth new hope, creates new dreams, sells us a picture with nothing but our imaginations. It's awe-inspiring. It competes within my heart as the best genre of music out there. Partially because it still needs people who play with actual skill and actual passion and partially because it is raw. Raw emotionally, and raw effectually...

Today's sunset was something spectacular at my house. Due to the towering trees around my house I only see the portion of the sky that has been made clear by the cutting of the trees to make way for my house. I watched the sky turn beautiful, wonderful shades. Corals, yellows, golds, crimsons, pinks, and velvety blues. It never ever ceases to amaze me just how wonderful these painting from God are. I try to find new words to wrap around the beauty that I see, yet when I seek new words, I realized that my vocabulary is a bit more extensive than I could begin to search through. It's definitely a blessing. My strengths are rooted in language. I communicate well via all methods of communication. That is fine, I just like to know that I communicate well...

My love of language comes from my faith in my God and my Savior. I have spent so much time trying to listen to the little voices that they whisper for me and me alone to hear. I don't want to let them down. I want to be able to communicate what I have just come to know through the quiet echoes that cascade upon my soul. It's refreshing, it's inspiring, it's invigorating to know that these whispers and echoes are mine and mine alone to hear and interpret.

Back to my original line of thought, the piano. In many ways it is much like interpreting the small voices and the echoes all around. You can see the story form in your head. You can feel the emotion coursing through your veins. You can create your own choreography to what you hear. You can use the choreography that it came with. Ultimately, that decision is up to the ear that is receiving the melody...

What kind of melody would your heart really sing if it were to come to the altar at this very moment? What kind of melody do you want it to be? Do you want cascading crescendos and decrescendos laced intricately into the fabric of the song? Do you want it to whisper just above breath so that it may remain near to you? Do you want it to be loud and heavy so that it gets noticed? You make that choice, and you let that song come from your heart. Let it pour out like rain. Let it soak up into your soul and guide you. Let your mind receive it and begin to adapt to the way your heart really feels. Then, keep it, or release it. It's your choice, but know that your melody may be the one to change someone else deep within their core.

My real-life brother is my real-life inspiration.

As I'm sitting here, in a much cooler atmosphere than I was in just an hour ago I reflect on the beauty of a great brother/sister relationship.

He showed up. He not only showed up, he excelled in the way he interacted with those he had met. I always knew that my brother loved me but this confirmed that he really and truly loves me. With depth. Not just a surface love, a real love...

I am so thankful for that. I can't wait to see his destiny fulfilled. He's going to do amazing things, his wife will be incredible, his family will rock, and he's going to be an amazing comrade in this life. As he's gaining his adult attitude, I see the most awesome little brother in the making. I am so thankful I get to share everyday memory with him. I am so blessed by his presence.

I would not be the person who I am today if it wasn't for our interaction. We get along extremely well. We have the most entertaining conversations. I love my little brother. I really really do.

I know I write about him sometimes, but I don't think I've ever come into that kind of detail about him. Ever. I am generally and wholly blessed by him each and every day.

Daniel David Porter, that name, that person, he is everything.

Tiesto

As I'm sitting here, I'm listening to one of the most amazing musical artists ever to come and whisper their melody into my core. You guessed it. It's Tiesto. You would not believe the way I feel right now. I'm calm, yet within my soul, I just wanna rock out all night long...

Anyways, a few entries ago I talked about structure again. I've finally been able to put a few brief thoughts together based upon my thinking. Structure, to me has become absolutely necessary. It's not guidance, but it's rule setting. People often get guidance and rules mixed up when they're entirely different concepts. Rules are structure, guidance is optional. You don't have to accept guidance, but you must follow the rules. I need more rules in my life. I need that rigid structure. I need discipline. I've been floating around this world with no care for too long. I have the proper guidance in my life, that I'm one hundred percent sure of. Now I need to have my real structure take place...

There's something that I decided that I wanted yesterday. Someone told me it would never happen. You want to know the truth? I think it's going to. Regardless of the fact that someone told me it never would. You want to know why? Because when the word never is thrown around casually it's like opening up the gates of heaven. I've said "never" many times and "never" has ever happened in any of those situations. It's like a challenge straight from our heart to God. I believe that there's a deeper reason as to why things are the way that they are right now. I mean God does not just randomly throw ingredients together and hope they make something beautiful, much like this is. He's totally creating something wonderful and while I might have to wait awhile, I know that there's something deeper than just surface. I've made the decision. I want this. I want it more than anything...

I won't stop being obedient. I won't stop being a disciple. I earnestly am before the Lord right now begging for a change of heart. Begging for acceptance.

A Flash in the Pan

So, originally this entry had been very angry in direction, but I see the error of my way. Anger solves nothing. And in fact, the night worked out perfectly...

Yet, the question still remains...

Am I just a flash in the pan? Is there something more to this that just hasn't been unveiled?

There was a weird tension between us today. Maybe it was the glitter in his eyes or the fact that for the first time I stepped onto what would be deemed "his territory." Our energies seemed to flawlessly combine. Yet there was tension...

I'm no longer angry, in fact, I'm seeking. He is a brilliant person that I'm so grateful for and so blessed by. I pray God continues to bring us closer, so that we may count the stars, and see the world together.

I feel like God's got something mighty up His sleeve... There's a tangible mischievousness about His way lately.

We live for these moments...

Last night was exactly what the doctor ordered. Now, I haven't had a few "bad weeks" by any means, but I haven't had "easy weeks" either. Anyways, yesterday night was quite possibly the stabilizer in this life for me at the current time. I went to see one of the most inspirational people in my life. Brad Duncan. He's absolutely wonderful. He started at 8:00 sharp, and went until 11:00, without break. He gave me so much inspiration that I don't know what to do with it. As always, I was there with Andrew. Who I've really enjoyed getting to know. He's given me a lot of hope. He helps me dream. He doesn't shoot down the dreaming I do either...

I've come to realize that I need those kind of people in my life consistently. They are the ones that help me grow, help me realize, help me fulfill my potential. It's dream killers that end lives. Maybe not physically, but mentally they kill people quicker than poison. I'm so glad to have the five close friends I do. They're all different. Yet, somehow they create this motion in my life together. It's a quick-paced positive motion. Centered on Christ, lived out as such. It's been great. I've enjoyed settling into this next phase of life. I'm thinking that so much can happen. I'm realizing that I don't need a four-year college degree and a good job to make it happen either. I might even land on the word revelation for this chapter. I'm so blessed to be where I am.

I know there's so much more to experience in life. I'm so thankful I have a family that loves me unconditionally. I have five wonderful friends who would die for me as I would them. Life is good right now.

I've been thinking a lot about structure again. I have no clue why, it's just where I find myself looking and pondering lately. I can't describe this new side of it yet, but I will say resoundingly that structure is absolutely necessary in human life.

Don't let anyone steal, crumple, crunch, trash, or make fun of your dream. God gave it to you for a reason, so go out and make it happen. I'd be more than happy to help you achieve it as well. Just open your door, and I'll make sure mine is always open too. You are beautiful, so is your dream.

There is no one like you...

To you, the one that sits across from me with that smile, that familiarity. It's comforting. It's refreshing. It's wonderful. I'm so glad I've met you. I'm so glad we've shared purposeful, meaningful conversation. I'm so glad we've run into each other spontaneously. I'm so glad that you're here in my life now. I'm trying, but not rushing to find out just how you belong in my life. Trying to figure out just which little or big part you may or may not come to fill. I like your laugh, I love the comfort I find when I'm around you. I love your touch, though we've hugged just once. I found something I didn't know could exist immediately in any sort of connection. I found myself challenged, yet I didn't feel like I wasn't on your level. I craved to hold your hand just so I could know what it was like to be the page of the book you were reading. I found myself dreaming lyrics about you, like it was nothing new...

Anyways, so other than the topic of "the new boy" in my life, things have been interestingly strange. My grandmother, whom we fondly call Nana, isn't doing so well. She's been sick for the last week or so, and everyone's not ruling out the fact the she may or may not have had a stroke or set of them. My mom may or may not have broken her elbow riding her bicycle this afternoon. My brother's foot hurt for no apparent reason all day. So much so in fact he had trouble walking even. I pray for healing. I pray for divine healing to overcome their injuries and illnesses. Lord, you alone know how to encounter the enemy and put him away. Tonight I beg like the child I am for you to come into their souls, their minds, their bodies and release the pain. It is with You and You alone I continue to breathe. Let that very thought continue to reign within my mind. In Your Holy and precious name, Amen.

That's pretty much where I'm at right now. I hope that I come back to writing soon. I haven't done it much lately, and I always notice that when I'm not writing my mood is less positive. Perhaps that's a sign I should always be writing. Having and not using this gift is moderately to severely stupid.

Early morning desperation meets Jesus Christ

Lyrics have happened here in the early morning. I'm desperate, pleading for new grace and mercy upon my soul tonight.

Song Title: Below the Sky, Above the Ground

We walk along hallways and streets
The music so familiar
The heartache and fear of being alone
Cascades all around
We aren't trying for glory anymore
We're stuck in time

Below the sky, we're stuck dreaming of
A higher place
Above the ground, we're struggling just to breathe
A sigh of relief

We kick the dirt as we look to the stars
Pleading with the crescendos
To reveal answers to the human tragedy
That lies all around
We aren't trusting our salvation anymore
We're stuck in time

Below the sky, we're stuck dreaming of
A higher place,
A sweeter song,
A love worth hanging on,
Above the ground, we're struggling just to breathe
A sigh of relief,
A little fresh air

We run through the city, aimless and confused
Trying to find authenticity in the glitter and the lights
We're falling, we're fading, we're going, going, gone

Below the sky, we're stuck dreaming of
A sweeter song, a love worth hanging on
Above the ground we're struggling just to believe
in Salvation, in Light, in Mercy, in Grace

Below the sky,
We fall to our knees and beg and plead
Above the ground,
We can feel the coming of the King
Below the sky Mercy find us
Above the ground Grace meets us
Below the sky Salvation rescues us
Above the ground Light guides us
Above the ground...

I'm done, but it's not over

Did you ever wonder if you let the most important thing in your world go, just how much it would affect you?

I think we do that a lot. I know I do. Just about a week ago, I let go of one of the absolute biggest things that has ever entered my life. I haven't reacted at all like I thought I would though. That's what's interesting. Instead of grieving over it, I'm rejoicing over the burden that has been lifted from my life. I miss the routine of it terribly, I miss the closeness of it definitely, but I don't miss anything else about it. I just got stuck into something so familiar that I couldn't navigate the waters to find land again.

My heart wants to write lines of words of meaningfulness and depth, but the truth of it, there's a new song already forming within my heart and soul that has me extremely excited for life beyond what even I can comprehend. There's a definite interest in my heart for the next big thing to come. There's definitely been some great people to come into my life while I wait. Perhaps one of them may end up becoming that next big thing.

Anyways, about the writing. The lyrics deep with my soul. I'm always writing in my head, and in my heart, and on the paper, but never can I write to have it authentically sung. Yes, I know I can create successful melodies. Yes, I believe in my gifting whole-heartedly. Do I think that it's meant for the world to hear, not necessarily. The Lord is my guide through this process of learning just what this gift has in store for me. The Lord knows. That for me is enough. I trust that He will see me through and help me shine at the end of the day. After all, we're all stars. We all have to find our shine.

I guess what I'm saying comes down to this. I am done, but it's not over. This chapter has reached its end, and now my next footprints must be made. How will I leave my mark in this next part of this wonderful journey?

Unreal.

It's June now? June. Now. It's already June. Alright, now that we have established that it's June where do I go from there?

Here.

It's June. Man, I said it again. It's unreal that it's June. I feel obligated to write some huge deep blog about it but all I can fathom is the fact that it's June. Things are moving so quickly right now and it feels amazingly wonderful.

It's definitely exciting to be me right now. I broke up with my boyfriend on May 27. This time it's for real. He crossed one of the three lines I hold fast to. Since then, there's already been two guys that have piqued my interest. Two totally different kinds of people, yet, they both understand and get me in the same ways. It's strange yet it makes me feel absolutely wonderful. I'm not ready for either of them to express interest but I am absolutely loving getting to know them.

Well, here's to June! I salute you!