Falling free
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
It's not who I was, but
It's who I am and it's
All because of the Lamb
Whose blood came to redeem
So I lift up my voice and
I proudly proclaim
That I follow the lead
of Him, Most Holy
and I'm falling...
Falling free...
Offering all of me
Falling free
Head first into majesty
Sunday, November 30
Friday, November 28
Mystery Part V
I’m sitting here listening to a song that I so profoundly remember. Not because of its intricate beauty and cascading melody lines. Not because of the true depth of lyrics and carefully interwoven emotionally driven piano playing. I remember this song because of the moment I go back to, and the way God worked at my heart at that very moment...
We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...
The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...
“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”
This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...
God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...
Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.
This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.
We’re approaching the holiday season pretty quickly and that’s where this moment lies. It was the very first night of the Living Christmas Tree that my wonderful church used to put on during the holiday season. The purpose of the week long set of performances was to give the community a place to either remember the gospel that saved them, experience the gospel for the first time, join in fellowship, or find that first friend. Anyways, I was on the prayer team for the entire event, which actually started sometime in early October, if not September. Being on that prayer team transformed my prayer life. There was about eight of us. I was the youngest by twenty years, and the rest of them were “seasoned veterans” as I called them at the time. They all had rituals that inspired me, they had passion on their tongue that I craved to have. For the week prior to the performances I remember praying for revelation and revolution a lot. Little did I know what was coming my way that first night...
The acting was excellent, the humor was perfect, the gravity of the gospel prominently displayed, and then came the moment. A single male vocalist walks onto a darkened stage with fog gently rolling at his toes. Out comes the words that would beg my mind to begin to wrap itself around something it could not...
“Mystery, how He came
To be a man
But greater still
How His death was in His plan
God predestined that His Son would die
And He still created man
Oh, what love is this
That His death was in His hands”
This is mystery defined in a solitary minute in our world’s deep and intricate history. It was the first real thing that God challenged my heart with. I can not even fathom the heart of God for me. I can not even write on the pages of this journal just the depth of Christ’s love for me...
God, the Father, my Creator, my Author, my great Commander, my Adonai. He created me with a purpose in mind and He sent His Son in my name to make my path clear. He paved the way for my success with the generations before me. He planned my greatness before my grandparents had even thought about conceiving my parents who in turn thought of conceiving me. He watched His very own Son day in and day out taking cruel jokes and being physically abused and eventually sent up on the cross so that I may see each of my new days...
Jesus Christ, my Friend, my Savior, my Lord. He, day in and day out struggled for acceptance so that I may be accepted. It’s a mystery. He is bigger than my vocabulary. He is stronger than all the men on this earth. He is more wonderful than I can find the time to write. He died for me. People say that they’d take a bullet for you, but, Jesus, He took a lifetime of bullets for me, and He didn’t even begin to run away.
This is my mystery. My deeply structured mystery. Quite honestly, the more I think about it, the more and more deep it becomes, especially when you think about the fact that He’s coming back again to really shake things up.
Tuesday, November 25
Mystery Part IV
The human nature is sadly selfish. The mystery is how we choose to live it when we know this is true. I know that this is true, yet I still, no matter how selfless I pass a smile to a stranger, get some small boost in my own soul. That's the human condition.
I try consciously not to let that manifest into a full bloom ego trip. Yet so many others choose to let that manifestation occur...
In other news, my heart is open on a while new playing field today. My old wounds aren't affecting me and my present and future have me excited. That said I may have slipped back into my depression a little bit again. I don't necessarily like it, but it's where I learn a lot, and find that some of my best writings and thoughts happen. I'm hopeful that my open heart and open eyes are keys to the desperate writing my hand has been begging to do. Begging.
Seeking sunrises lately has seemed more a burden than a reward, yet I will continue to do so because He has called me to do so. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so many perspectives on the human condition. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so may perspectives on my own personal condition. See exactly where I stand after the dust settles.
I try consciously not to let that manifest into a full bloom ego trip. Yet so many others choose to let that manifestation occur...
In other news, my heart is open on a while new playing field today. My old wounds aren't affecting me and my present and future have me excited. That said I may have slipped back into my depression a little bit again. I don't necessarily like it, but it's where I learn a lot, and find that some of my best writings and thoughts happen. I'm hopeful that my open heart and open eyes are keys to the desperate writing my hand has been begging to do. Begging.
Seeking sunrises lately has seemed more a burden than a reward, yet I will continue to do so because He has called me to do so. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so many perspectives on the human condition. Through these sunrises I am hoping to gain so may perspectives on my own personal condition. See exactly where I stand after the dust settles.
Friday, November 21
Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)
It's a beautiful reality in which we live. Granted it has become polluted, corrupted and damaged deeply. That said, I still believe it's beautiful. Why? Because the human condition is so unique and so individual even between siblings raised of the same parents. Even deeper, my brother and I have been raised by the same schools, been to the same places, experienced the same things, yet we're so different. I know that individuality is programmed into our beings, but you would expect that with so many variables the same that we'd at least turn out somewhat similar. Truth is, we're on opposite paradigms. Bigger truth, it's totally cool. He lives so differently from me, yet maintains great morals, has high hopes for himself, and he loves unconditionally. It's really cool that I get to learn from him day in and day out. I love him.
Anyways, as I've begun to process exactly how sick my grandfather is, the more thankful and appreciative I become that I've been given so much time with him. I just pray that he lives a strong, wonderful, love-filled life up until his final breath. I pray that this brings the family into closeness. I pray that this fills the holes and that the grudges get left in the dust. I pray for unconditional wisdom in the doctors and surgeons and whoever lays a hand medically into his life. I pray they live in His will. I pray that he lives in His will. I pray for my Nana. I just pray.
Anyways, as I've begun to process exactly how sick my grandfather is, the more thankful and appreciative I become that I've been given so much time with him. I just pray that he lives a strong, wonderful, love-filled life up until his final breath. I pray that this brings the family into closeness. I pray that this fills the holes and that the grudges get left in the dust. I pray for unconditional wisdom in the doctors and surgeons and whoever lays a hand medically into his life. I pray they live in His will. I pray that he lives in His will. I pray for my Nana. I just pray.
Tuesday, November 18
Stop the music
Well, not really, but that is the title of this piece of work I've just done up...
-- Stop the Music --
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Sitting here in a room painted blue
I can't help but notice the painful truth
Looking upon our generation so confused
Singing the songs, the fallen songs, I will refuse...
To ignore the whisper...
Then I will respond to the call...
And then... I'll tell the world
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Clicking through the radio one day
Trying to grasp just what the world wants to say
Lyrics full of things His heart breaks for
I can't help but the think...
What if I showed love instead of ignored...
That faint little voice on my heart
That feeling that tells me to awaken...
To start... I will shout...
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Looking at the sunrise, I hear this little whisper
It's Him telling everyone near and far to...
Stop the music, let me your God sing
Over all of creation, it's my majesty
Pause the song, let me your God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let my love for you rain down like a torrential rain
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep...
Deep...
Grace
-- Stop the Music --
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Sitting here in a room painted blue
I can't help but notice the painful truth
Looking upon our generation so confused
Singing the songs, the fallen songs, I will refuse...
To ignore the whisper...
Then I will respond to the call...
And then... I'll tell the world
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Clicking through the radio one day
Trying to grasp just what the world wants to say
Lyrics full of things His heart breaks for
I can't help but the think...
What if I showed love instead of ignored...
That faint little voice on my heart
That feeling that tells me to awaken...
To start... I will shout...
Stop the music, let our God sing
Over all of creation, it's His majesty
Pause the song, let our God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let His love for us rain down like torrential rain
Get caught up in His deep, deep grace.
Looking at the sunrise, I hear this little whisper
It's Him telling everyone near and far to...
Stop the music, let me your God sing
Over all of creation, it's my majesty
Pause the song, let me your God cry out
Over every tribe and nation
Let my love for you rain down like a torrential rain
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep, deep grace...
Get caught up in my deep...
Deep...
Grace
Monday, November 17
RE//birth
This past weekend has been somewhat of a roller coaster. The full summary is in the works but here's what's been laid upon my heart as of right now and I'd like to write it down before it leaves...
My grandfather has been diagnosed with serious cancer. I believe in miracles, and I'm leaning into Him for the strength I need. I'm trying to get my family there too.
On the other hand, I was at my annual Christian Musician Summit this past weekend and it was exceptionally brilliant. That's where that summary I'm talking about is going to come from...
Anyways, I'd had quite the dry songwriting stretch up until I re-opened my heart and my eyes a little bit... Here's what came from it, mind you, it's still not complete or done, but here's what my heart poured onto the page.
-- Consuming Love ---
Captivated by Your consuming love
I just wanna be close to You
Inspired by Your unending grace
I just wanna follow Your way
What you did when you died for me
Has unveiled my eyes and now I see...
That Your love reaches to the heavens
Your grace touches the sky
That Your mercy falls to the ground
like rain And Your truth abounds
----
My grandfather has been diagnosed with serious cancer. I believe in miracles, and I'm leaning into Him for the strength I need. I'm trying to get my family there too.
On the other hand, I was at my annual Christian Musician Summit this past weekend and it was exceptionally brilliant. That's where that summary I'm talking about is going to come from...
Anyways, I'd had quite the dry songwriting stretch up until I re-opened my heart and my eyes a little bit... Here's what came from it, mind you, it's still not complete or done, but here's what my heart poured onto the page.
-- Consuming Love ---
Captivated by Your consuming love
I just wanna be close to You
Inspired by Your unending grace
I just wanna follow Your way
What you did when you died for me
Has unveiled my eyes and now I see...
That Your love reaches to the heavens
Your grace touches the sky
That Your mercy falls to the ground
like rain And Your truth abounds
----
Monday, November 10
Family
Today my mother and I had a rare hour to ourselves. I had the best time. We just had a quick lunch and a deep conversation, but that's why I love it. She challenges my faith in God but not because she doesn't believe, but because she believes differently. As I was sitting biting my way through my chicken wrap, she dropped a faith bomb on me today.
It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."
To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.
I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.
It went something like this: "Amanda, God doesn't provide for you solely and everytime, He gives you the tools to think for yourself while you trust in Him."
To put it simply, I'd forgotten this. I love this, I crave lessons like this. Simple deliveries, but powerful aftershocks that make me really dig deep into who He is. The more I've been digging though, the more I realize just how limitless He has created His living legacy.
I love my mom. I love her with more of my heart each and every day.
Wednesday, November 5
Moving forward...
Yesterday.
November 4th, 2008. It was a Tuesday. At 8:03 PM they officially named Barack Obama as president-elect. At 8:23 PM John McCain took his well decorated stage and conceded his race. At 9:00 PM, Barack Obama made his acceptance speech. As soon as that speech concluded, the next four years have become extremely interesting. I am eager to see what God has in store for my great nation. There's a reason for everything. I am going to pray like I have never prayed before and I mean that literally. I have never prayed for the leader of my country. I will do so, and I will do it very often. I have never been more unsure of the future, but I know that God has His hand in everything and that Barack Obama has been placed in the place he is in for a very specific reason.
I am nervously excited for the next four years.
November 4th, 2008. It was a Tuesday. At 8:03 PM they officially named Barack Obama as president-elect. At 8:23 PM John McCain took his well decorated stage and conceded his race. At 9:00 PM, Barack Obama made his acceptance speech. As soon as that speech concluded, the next four years have become extremely interesting. I am eager to see what God has in store for my great nation. There's a reason for everything. I am going to pray like I have never prayed before and I mean that literally. I have never prayed for the leader of my country. I will do so, and I will do it very often. I have never been more unsure of the future, but I know that God has His hand in everything and that Barack Obama has been placed in the place he is in for a very specific reason.
I am nervously excited for the next four years.
Friday, October 31
Holding onto what is easy...
Losing the easy things in life is a lot harder than it seems. Why? Because they're easy. They come naturally. They're just... easy. I'm learning that the easy things are the things that aren't worth it. Why? Because I didn't sacrifice in order to gain. I didn't lose in order to see...
I like working for the things I love the most. Mainly I love working at relationships. I don't like the good ones handed to me. I like some element of challenge. I have that in all my close relationships. Granted, I love stability, but I like to fight for love. Jesus fought for love. I think I should too...
In other news, it's gotten pretty cold here in Seattle. It's nice. I can bring out the layers and scarves and cute skull caps again. It's not quite cold enough for the caps yet but I can feel it on the horizon. In a strange way, I love the cold. It reminds me that I can be vulnerable and lean on something if I need to. It's great.
I'm slipping into an old habit again... It's not necessarily good. But it feels so right that it can't be wrong. Well, I know it's wrong. But it feels so good. Liquid poison is definitely flowing freely through my veins...
Thursday, October 23
Feel the Sting...
I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.
I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.
He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.
He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.
What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.
I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.
I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.
I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.
He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.
He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.
What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.
I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.
I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.
Wednesday, October 22
Back at Square One
Yeah, we all know what it's like to be put back, no, forced back to square one. Quite honestly, and forgive my bluntness, it really sucks. I know that this is definitely not the most eloquently stated phrase but it's the real truth and it's not even deep under my skin or anything. Sick...
Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...
Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...
There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.
So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.
Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...
Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...
There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.
So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.
Friday, October 10
Sanctuary
Sanctuary - a place of refuge from hardship or trial.
I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.
Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?
I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.
Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?
Defy Gravity
So, when you have something that seems so far out of grasp what do you do? You defy gravity of course!
"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...
No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.
What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...
This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...
The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.
I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!
Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.
"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...
No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.
What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...
This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...
The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.
I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!
Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.
Thursday, October 9
It's a long time coming...
I'm finally coming clean, can't you see boy, you're the only one for me. You've got everything that I want and more. You've got the world inside you I just want to explore. Take over me, I'm willing. Let me take you over, I'm feeling like you want it more...
We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...
---
Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.
---
I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.
---
In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.
---
I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.
We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...
---
Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.
---
I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.
---
In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.
---
I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.
Tuesday, September 30
Mystery Part III
I guess this has become a series of sorts. I thought it was just going to be a thought in passing but I'm convinced that this Jesus that I love so deeply and fully is truly the biggest mystery I've ever come to know or will ever know...
Alright, so you're wondering about the picture of the candle. Well, here's where I start in my late night assertions about my faith. As far as my salvation story goes, it almost literally started with the smallness of a candle flicker. Granted, I was inside of the Rose Garden in Portland with about 15,000 other believers or questioners. At the time, it just felt like a little flutter in my laid upon my soul, but now I know what that flicker was. It was the flicker of a newly found hope, a newly found trust, and a new response to a brand new relationship. I was so compelled that weekend. I don't want to label myself, especially in glorification, but I think I left with the fullest heart of all the attenders. Why? Because that flicker went straight into this full out fire. No slow transition here.
The real mystery here is how God calls people into His Kingdom. He calls them by name. He whispers to them in a dream. He shouts their name as they overlook a sunset. He loves them when they think they're unlovable. As I mature, I'm amazed by just how diverse the salvation stories are. Pastors' kids who naturally grew up with faith and followed faithfully. Pastors' kids who naturally grew up, rebelled, and found Him again on their own time. People who find Him at big events and small events alike... It's a mystery that He programmed us to have different reactions to the call to faith.
Lately, my fire's not so much left my heart, it's just changing. It's rearranging. It's amazing. I have so much hope. I have so much faith in my God that sometimes He needs to do that. He has helped me break out of my routine thought process. He's helped my core to re-evaluate who I am. He's let me come into balances that I didn't think I needed...
And I throw it back to those wonderful first moments of my faith... When my candle transformed into a full-fledged firestorm of passion, praise, and pursuit of answers and of Him. I can't believe just how small that flame needs to be for Him to be able to get along side it and send His breath as wind to fan it into a raging blaze.
It's such a mystery, stay tuned. I'm sure this series isn't over yet.
Sunday, September 28
Mystery Part II
Continuing on about the mystery of God I have landed on a point that some would call obvious. We are so deeply wired to be part of healthy and fulfilling relationships. That said, we're also deeply called to usher people closer to His kingdom. I can't even imagine myself not being in community, and I mourn for those who close themselves out intentionally. What the mystery to me is just how we connect, and how random these connections are. I take my three closest friends as examples. My best friend I met because I just had to tell someone that the music theory teacher was pretty good looking. My closest guy friend I met in an online fan community. My other really great guy friend, I met at a summit at my church. Three very different circumstances, but the relationships are all very vital to my success in life. These three beautifully constructed meetings have done so much for me. They encourage me, they lift me up, they provide for me, they laugh with and at me, they help me, and most of all, they continually help me to remember that God's love for me is real. Why? Because they selflessly represent Christ to me. I think the biggest thing that shows me this is that they all know my imperfections and they love me even more for them...
I deeply believe in the "divine appointment" theory. Yet, I don't understand just how we in our beings gather the courage to reach out. At the time when I met my best friend, I hadn't really any intentions of really branching out and getting to know her, or anyone in that class for that matter. Yet, something deep within me urged me forward to speak to her. My first impression was probably a little wacky, but I still did it. To this day I'm glad that my longing out played my fear. It was close, but it was totally worth it to have the five seconds of awkward laughter. Why? Because now, I've gained a lasting sister. The way I introduced myself to the guy I met at my church was telling him that he had really spectacular teeth. What did I get out of that? I got around five or ten minutes of awkward talking and it has forged the way for what is now one of my most foundational relationships ever. It's definitely still a mystery as to why I felt that compelled to talk to them. It's more of a mystery that they would experience that undoubted awkwardness and work through it...
I could keep going, but I need to rest my head, it has reached it's current thinking capacity.
I deeply believe in the "divine appointment" theory. Yet, I don't understand just how we in our beings gather the courage to reach out. At the time when I met my best friend, I hadn't really any intentions of really branching out and getting to know her, or anyone in that class for that matter. Yet, something deep within me urged me forward to speak to her. My first impression was probably a little wacky, but I still did it. To this day I'm glad that my longing out played my fear. It was close, but it was totally worth it to have the five seconds of awkward laughter. Why? Because now, I've gained a lasting sister. The way I introduced myself to the guy I met at my church was telling him that he had really spectacular teeth. What did I get out of that? I got around five or ten minutes of awkward talking and it has forged the way for what is now one of my most foundational relationships ever. It's definitely still a mystery as to why I felt that compelled to talk to them. It's more of a mystery that they would experience that undoubted awkwardness and work through it...
I could keep going, but I need to rest my head, it has reached it's current thinking capacity.
Tuesday, September 23
Mystery
The mystery in Jesus Christ. It's not easy to explain, it's not easy to comprehend, it's just plain complex. He has done, is doing, and will do so much for this great planet if we would just surrender our all to Him. I proclaim that I will let Him work within me so that I can work among the world to show them the way. Anyways, it's just unfathomable how He lived for me, for you, for our failings, for our triumphs, for our joys, for our sorrows. What is harder to understand or grasp is this... He DIED, no, not lived... DIED for those very same things. Then He rose again, to prove that He was in fact the Messiah that God has sent from Heaven to Earth to save His people.
I am so blessed that I get to experience this earth. I am so blessed I have a Savior who sacrificed it all just to show me the real meaning of living life. I am so blessed that He has given me the mystery of His presence to fall more and more in love with. I am blessed He has given me spiritual gifts that are unique to me and me alone. I am blessed He gave me music. I am blessed that He has given me a family and friends circle that appreciates me. All by great mystery, I am blessed...
What a wonderful mystery.
I am so blessed that I get to experience this earth. I am so blessed I have a Savior who sacrificed it all just to show me the real meaning of living life. I am so blessed that He has given me the mystery of His presence to fall more and more in love with. I am blessed He has given me spiritual gifts that are unique to me and me alone. I am blessed He gave me music. I am blessed that He has given me a family and friends circle that appreciates me. All by great mystery, I am blessed...
What a wonderful mystery.
Wednesday, September 17
Don't let yourself be hurt this time...
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then I saw your face
Then I saw your smile
The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then your kiss so soft
Then your touch so warm
The stars still shine bright
The mountains still high
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
--
These song lyrics probably define how I feel about my situation with the boy lately. I am confident that time will tell all and I sit here patiently waiting that time when the final answer is revealed to me. I heed His call and I am to follow His will. I don't mind no, I love yes, but this wait is hard. I have a feeling that a brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. I'm just excited to see it, to feel it, to grasp it between my fingertips. I have new found passion for my writing, so be prepared to be rocked, and rocked frequently.
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then I saw your face
Then I saw your smile
The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Don't let yourself be hurt this time
Then your kiss so soft
Then your touch so warm
The stars still shine bright
The mountains still high
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
Falling, falling
Falling, falling in love
--
These song lyrics probably define how I feel about my situation with the boy lately. I am confident that time will tell all and I sit here patiently waiting that time when the final answer is revealed to me. I heed His call and I am to follow His will. I don't mind no, I love yes, but this wait is hard. I have a feeling that a brighter tomorrow is on the horizon. I'm just excited to see it, to feel it, to grasp it between my fingertips. I have new found passion for my writing, so be prepared to be rocked, and rocked frequently.
Sunday, September 14
It's simple:
In order to honor Christ, we must believe in Him.
Last night at church wasn't revolutionary necessarily, but it transformed my basic knowledge of discipleship. John Bevere spoke of the basic knowledge that we should all have about Christ, but he put back into play the eternal aspect in a way I'd forgotten about. Now, looking at the church in general, I believe we've forgotten it as an entire generation. We put a lot of focus into Jesus, and His going up on the cross for our sins, but we forget that it doesn't end there. We forget that He ROSE up off that cross and ascended into heaven for all eternity. We forget that if we live our lives as true disciples with selfless faith that we as well are focused on the eternal and the little things we do now that compromise our integrity add up to a huge mistake later on down the road. Alright, so it was revolutionary. I'm still processing it actually.
Last night at church wasn't revolutionary necessarily, but it transformed my basic knowledge of discipleship. John Bevere spoke of the basic knowledge that we should all have about Christ, but he put back into play the eternal aspect in a way I'd forgotten about. Now, looking at the church in general, I believe we've forgotten it as an entire generation. We put a lot of focus into Jesus, and His going up on the cross for our sins, but we forget that it doesn't end there. We forget that He ROSE up off that cross and ascended into heaven for all eternity. We forget that if we live our lives as true disciples with selfless faith that we as well are focused on the eternal and the little things we do now that compromise our integrity add up to a huge mistake later on down the road. Alright, so it was revolutionary. I'm still processing it actually.
Thursday, September 11
Association: The Basics
Here's the short and sweet of the association you have. Association is just an eloquent way of saying the simplest thing. It's who you hang around with. It's who you spend your time with. It's who you call. It's who you live with. The funny thing is, no matter what, you are what you are around. You have people in your life consistently in jail, you're more than likely to end up there too. No matter how hard you try not to, you make small compromises until you come to the end of the road that you didn't want to be on in the first place.
There's good news here though. It's dissociation. You see, you can eliminate those people who compromise your integrity and value. You can choose to find positive and uplifting people who would rather see you excel versus fail. Hanging around with people who go to jail like it's the grocery store are not the people you want in your main circle of influence if you're trying to get out of jail. It's people who are doing well in life and have stability that you want to get around.
I hear from people frequently that they're not happy and that life always seems to be full of unnecessary drama. Then I take a deeper look at their association and I see people of similar mindset playing the biggest role on their own attitude. Even more interesting is that they have tons of positive people on the fringe, just waiting for things to break to sweep in and save the day. If they just moved those people to their closest circle, they'd be so surprised how quickly their lifestyle would change. SO surprised. I was. I am a testimony to that. I never had a friend in jail, but I had friendships and relationships that compromised my core identity and I didn't get rid of them, but I dissociated with it. It's been a wonderful transition for me that has given me a fresh start. Every day since April 26th of this year I've woken up with purpose. Woken up with value. Woken up feeling wanted and loved and desired. It's remarkable...
If this relates, check your association closely. Stick with the ones who build you up, let go of the ones that break you down.
There's good news here though. It's dissociation. You see, you can eliminate those people who compromise your integrity and value. You can choose to find positive and uplifting people who would rather see you excel versus fail. Hanging around with people who go to jail like it's the grocery store are not the people you want in your main circle of influence if you're trying to get out of jail. It's people who are doing well in life and have stability that you want to get around.
I hear from people frequently that they're not happy and that life always seems to be full of unnecessary drama. Then I take a deeper look at their association and I see people of similar mindset playing the biggest role on their own attitude. Even more interesting is that they have tons of positive people on the fringe, just waiting for things to break to sweep in and save the day. If they just moved those people to their closest circle, they'd be so surprised how quickly their lifestyle would change. SO surprised. I was. I am a testimony to that. I never had a friend in jail, but I had friendships and relationships that compromised my core identity and I didn't get rid of them, but I dissociated with it. It's been a wonderful transition for me that has given me a fresh start. Every day since April 26th of this year I've woken up with purpose. Woken up with value. Woken up feeling wanted and loved and desired. It's remarkable...
If this relates, check your association closely. Stick with the ones who build you up, let go of the ones that break you down.
Tuesday, September 2
Doesn't it hurt...?
Doesn't it hurt when you come to the realization you invested so much in something, so much into a relationship with someone...
and you come to find that you don't make the grade. That you don't make the final cut. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but the more I really grasp it, the more I think about how much I make this person a priority, not because I have to, but because I want to, and how they don't even consider me a part of their friends and good times. It honestly hurts me. I feel like crying insanely hard right now. I probably will later on just so I don't feel so tense and bottled up. Seriously though. This person says one thing, we have GREAT times, and I'm not even associated in their life outside our friendship.
It really, REALLY, hurts. I guess you learn the hard way sometimes. I love my connection with this person more than anything but it is worth it if I don't feel like I'm actually valued?
I don't want anything more than a solid friendship, a phone call, a true thank you for continually making my schedule mold to theirs, and genuine appreciation. It's not hard. It's a simple investment of a little bit of time. I just don't understand.
I'm not selfish, I'm just standing up for what I believe should be a decent friendship. I don't feel like it truly is. It's even got me thinking a horrible thought. That thought is right now I'm awfully close to leaving my opportunity because of it. My opportunity has become my passion and I really really want to see it grow, to see me grow, but I don't know how when the person who is supposed to be there with/for me the most, doesn't see me as what I thought they did.
I'm breaking down.
and you come to find that you don't make the grade. That you don't make the final cut. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but the more I really grasp it, the more I think about how much I make this person a priority, not because I have to, but because I want to, and how they don't even consider me a part of their friends and good times. It honestly hurts me. I feel like crying insanely hard right now. I probably will later on just so I don't feel so tense and bottled up. Seriously though. This person says one thing, we have GREAT times, and I'm not even associated in their life outside our friendship.
It really, REALLY, hurts. I guess you learn the hard way sometimes. I love my connection with this person more than anything but it is worth it if I don't feel like I'm actually valued?
I don't want anything more than a solid friendship, a phone call, a true thank you for continually making my schedule mold to theirs, and genuine appreciation. It's not hard. It's a simple investment of a little bit of time. I just don't understand.
I'm not selfish, I'm just standing up for what I believe should be a decent friendship. I don't feel like it truly is. It's even got me thinking a horrible thought. That thought is right now I'm awfully close to leaving my opportunity because of it. My opportunity has become my passion and I really really want to see it grow, to see me grow, but I don't know how when the person who is supposed to be there with/for me the most, doesn't see me as what I thought they did.
I'm breaking down.
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