I don't know

Like so much of my writing before this, I'm starting on yet another empty page. More importantly, and most critically, I'm also starting on a completely blank mind. So, we'll see if I can still write.

Lately, my life has been somewhat of a sad song. It's all because of some poor decision making of my own. I tried to be the strongest person I knew for the people around me. The tower of strength so to speak. While doing that I failed, yes, failed, to encounter my own decisions rationally and emotionally. I made some serious mistakes, and I broke a heart. My own. More importantly, I also let down my Savior. The one who paid the ultimate price. The one who died and rose again so that I may live on this earth as free from the bondage of my sin. Yet, in my fog, I totally disrespected Him. If there were ever a time in my life after salvation that I feel like I hit rock bottom. This would be it. From it stemmed this writing, a lyrical response to my salvation. Which now I know the true value of. Because of the rock bottom, I now know how strong and mighty He is and just how strong a sacrifice His life was for me. I am totally and completely shocked at my own behavior, but now is my chance for redemptions song to sing from my heart, carried on the breath of heaven...

Pandora-

It was a lazy Friday afternoon,
Just chilling listening to some Miley Cryus tune,
Then he called, the boy called,
Took my heart just one second to fall...

And say yes, yes, yes to Pandora
I should've been shouting Gloria
But I said yes, yes, yes to Pandora,
And away I went...

Driving in the pouring rain,
Accelerating a little bit faster to get to him,
My heart starts pounding, driveway in view,
The power of this stumbling block I never knew...

And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!
And I fell to Pandora
When I should have fallen, Hosanna!

Took my hands, and said sweet things,
Turns out they were just above nothing,
My pulse raced, hands gripping the chair,
In my head I was made painfully aware...

That I needed to run away
But I stayed, etranced by my shame...

I should have run from Pandora
I should have screamed Hosanna
I should have sung out Gloria
I should have screamed Hosanna

The Heart Scars

You whisper coldly into my ear
Sending shivers, feeling too familiar
Breath on my neck, hot, sweet breath
I don't know what kind...
But it makes an everlasting memory...

The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
Your melody along the keys
Drives me to the verge of insanity

You touch my shoulder, my heart races
You slide your fingertips down to mine
You come to chorus, confessing your sin
As you begin...

The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The addictive refrain you sing
Pushes me towards the verge of delirium

You build the chords, speeding through time
Wanting more than the music is willing
More than the spirit contains...
Lost in the passion, the chorus of desire
You continue to assault the keys of my heart
Through the the movements of your fingers

The way the heart scars when exposed to you
The way the soul cries for relief from the heat
The way the arms bleed for a simple release
The rhythm you carry,
Brings me to my knees unwillingly

Tracing, racing, bracing for a reality
Once unrealized, cruel brutality
You've weakened me, drawn me in
Placed kisses upon my virgin skin
I want to let go, I want to give in
Your sweet, sweet melody...
Has brought upon you an unhallowed sin

The way the heart scars and scars, but you don't ever stop
The way the soul cries and cries, but you don't ever think twice
The way my arms bled and bled, bled for the shame I felt
As you took me into your melody
As you played a sweet melody
As you tortured my soul
You knew you had power, you knew you had control.

Bodies shifting, the moonlight dancing upon our skin
You make me do things I don't want, yet I can't get enough
I tell you "no", tears cascading from my eyes
You see the fear and it only persuades
The melody to come faster

I plead again "please, please, no", shaking in shame
You step back, the melody fades
The chords become sad and forgiveness they beg
You grab me suddenly, the chords booming again
You kiss me, the waves crashing upon the keys
You let me go, begin to say...

I don't give you a chance, I run away...

The way my heart scarred over you...
The way my soul cried for relief of you...
The way my arms bled because of you...
Yet I still can't help but be drawn in,
Your rhythm intoxicating, your chords perfectly arranged,
Your melody enchanting, your attractiveness never left

But like every good song, this one's reached its end
You've never come back, but you and your melody
Are forgiven.

The old me still resounds within me.

I was cleaning out my room and came across an old journal and this particular (among a few others I'll be posting throughout the coming weeks) struck me.

Dated: September 19th, 2005

The skies are overcast and the smell of freshly cut grass invades my senses. So many walks of life surround me. Some painfully rich. Some painfully just making ends meet. Some old, some just on the brink of growing up. Different colors of skin. Different accents on their tongues. Strangely though, they're all like me. Human, and just trying to fit in. Girls with long hair and twelve dollar tubes of lip gloss, and guys in their dark rinse jeans, dark glasses, and cornrows. Each having something to offer from fashion tips to religious music choices to the best new recipe out there. I scream diversity and turn heads. After all, I'm just like them. Just trying to fit in.

The feel of Glass hearts.

Have you ever felt as if your heart was glass? So fragile. So intricately laced. Lately, mine has felt interestingly complete. Just days ago it felt as if I was shattered. Still dealing with close family friend deaths, family deaths, and a friend passing away, I had lost central sight of who I was, where I was, and what was around me. In a sense I had become numb to everything. I still am skating on that line a little I think. Making very sure I don't trip the alarm. The people around me have been so comforting, loving, and truthfully if it weren't for them, I'd still be sobbing in my sleep.

I guess what I'm saying in the midnight hours tonight is that instead of my heart looking like this:



It looks like someone who lives a blessed life. I am so thankful.

Silence Follows.

Silence follows the broken hearted
Silence haunts the shattered lives...

Live in loudness cascading all around,
Teach the world to sing in all the storm.

Where would we be without a little song in our heart?
Where would you be without the loving embrace of chords in stereo?

Silence follows the ones who break hearts
Silence haunts the ones who shatter lives.

Let it go, let the music SURROUND you...
Let it go, let the rhythm OVERWHELM your being,
Take in the melody just one more time...

Forgive those who need forgiveness indeed.
Repair those who need repairing indeed.

If you let it the music will heal you, will calm you, will restore you.
Open your eyes through your ears,
See the world, with no more fears...

Take a chance, let the chorus preside in grand fashion
So you may know...

That silence doesn't always have to follow your broken heart like a police chase on the freeways of life.
That silence doesn't have to haunt you as you leave the pieces of your glass heart shattered on the floor.

Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND.
Trust yourself, and trust in the song.

Bold harmonies take away the tears
Trust.
Walk where the silence cannot follow. Live where the silence cannot haunt.

Take a step into the sound, take a leap into the love of loud, RESOUND!

Unbelievable You

You, with those nice leather shoes
You, with those beautiful baby blues
You cut me like you'll never know
With this pain, away I go...

Funny thing is, I'm sure I'm already alright...
I may be aching but I'm not running into the night...

You asked me why I tore down our castle in the sky
It's because I found out I wasn't the only queen in your life...
And now you're sad because you had it all
Now you're with nothing and nowhere to fall.

Creepin' round and round, you slide through the club
Bam, you like the way they hit, but all the do is leave you love drunk
And all I ever did was do my best to fill your cup...

Holy One (Adonai)

I feel Your fire, breathing in my lungs
I feel Your love, bleeding out my veins...
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for saving my soul

Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek

I feel Your grace, cascading from the Heavens
I feel Your beat, in the deepest part of my heart
Praise Adonai, You give me life...
Thank You for calling me Home

Hold me close and never let me go
Give me strength through my days
Let the power of You never leave my veins
Even as I site here tired and weak
Continue to be the light that I seek

Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You set my heart free
Holy One, You live in me
Holy One, You let me see

Thank You, for saving my soul
That You, Adonai, for calling me Home

Overdrive

My mind is on overdrive
One look at You sets my soul on fire
I don't wanna hide
From Your love (I can't deny, I feel it)

My mind is on overdrive
Every breath I take magnifies desire
I don't wanna hide
From Your heart (I can't deny, I need it)

No matter what I do
I can't stop loving You
No matter what I say
Your arms are where I wanna stay

Here my feet stand planted
on the Rock that is Your love
Here my hands stay steady
on the words, sent from above

Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
Your love truly satisfies
Your love sets me on overdrive (only)
You love makes me come alive

August Rush

So, it's August's midpoint. I feel awful that I haven't written in so long but my writing's have been totally for myself lately. Coming in and out of these phases is not easy. Because I feel like I should write to you, but I also feel like I need to honor my God. Not just when I feel like it, but all the time. Lately, I feel like in order to honor Him that I've needed to step back from everything that satisfies me to see what satisfies Him for my life. I started to really trust a new friend last night. Not just a little, a lot. He has been a very strong presence in my life. I'm putting my trust into him because I feel like he is putting his trust into me. It's pretty cool if you ask me. Anyways, that is what has been pulling me away from the screen. Honest, true, and authentic relationship community is what we all long for and with this new friend, I think I have found a missing part to my community.

Starbucks (Logo Transformed)

So, as I sit here I laugh at the days previous hilariousness. Yes, I was fortunate to get a front row seat to it too. I went out by myself, in a place I only knew existed because it's always an answer on the "Name the 50 State Capitals" quiz. I was in search of a familiar sign. One that is tattooed into the very fabric of American culture. More in depth, in the Pacific Northwest it comes like water, and are more frequent than stoplights almost. The Starbucks logo. It's become a stereotype because it's become expected that everyone is fully fluent in the language. In the venti, grande, breve, latte language...

Anyways, that's not what this is about, it's about how I went out in search of one of these sacred, especially in the Emerald City, cups and instead of the logo that has been emblazoned on my heart, all I saw was your face calling back to me. I need you in my life. I yearn for you in my life. I need all of you in my life. you absolutely, entirely, and totally complete me. I don't feel like me and my days are complete without you. They are so perilously long without you. I am so grateful for you. I love you, with my whole heart, and nothing less.

While it was Raining...

While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, fears set aside.

I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...

---

Tonight, I was blessed with a sunset of a different kind. It had just finished storming, and through the clouds, just a thin layer of clouds separated me and a "perfect" sunset. Normally, I'd stare at awe of the color of this particular sunset, but this one captured me. It had a subtle meaning behind it that I'm glad I picked up on...

My storm isn't over. My trial isn't over. I'm just beginning. Now the real work begins. I have work to do. I have things to get done. Someone (a certain spiritual force, I'm lead to believe) doesn't want me to succeed. Yet, I will battle through. I will rise through the wind and create a bigger force than it can ever bring. I have the cross. I have my Jesus. I have my God. I have the spirit inside. I have the spirit of success. I believe in fighting for a dream and I believe that I'm finally tasting what a "test" feels like in this particular realm...

Anyways, back to the moral of this sunset, I found the meaning... No matter what is in the way of my Jesus. I can still see Him. Though Ge may not be as clear, or as present as I think He should be, He is definitely there, fighting for me, fighting for my success, fighting right beside me on my team. He plays offensive with me, He plays defense with me, He plays coach to me, He plays the Audience of One to cheer me on.

I know that there are so many clouds in my sky right now, but I know that this day's sunset has refreshed in my a new faith. A strong faith. A faith that sparks, sizzles, and is ready to set others on fire. Yes, normally I'd wait for the stubborn clouds to disappear, but I'm going to try something new. I'm going to fight through the clouds so I break the boundary of Earth and perhaps touch the very bottom of Heaven. At least get as close as I can.

---

While it was raining, my tears were streaming down my face
Dreaming of being in a different place...
One where You and I collide, and embrace

I just want to run with You. I just want to live for You, Jesus... Just want to breathe for You Jesus...

Purify My Heart [Blood of the Lamb]

Jason Upton's lyrics are blazing through my headphones right now... They go like this:

--
Not Ashamed

Jesus I long to be holy
Jesus I long to be real
In a world of broken people
So many need to be healed
Purify my hands to hold them
Purify my heart to burn with devotion
For You, Lord Jesus, for You

I’m not ashamed of Jesus
My Lord my Lover my Friend
The power to cleanse and redeem us
Is in the blood of the Lamb

Oh how the mighty have fallen
Buried in their filthy rags
Father please turn from your anger
My lips will boast of your ways
Cause, it’s all in the blood of the savior
It’s all in the love that you have for You’re son
And I believe, in Jesus, I believe
--

Over the last few days this song has hit me particularly hard. I haven't been affected by a song so deeply in forever. It's awesome to know that my emotional side is definitely coming back. I'm feeling again. Granted, some of the feelings I'm feeling are clearly unfortunate, I do believe that I'm feeling them because I need to come back to my Jesus. I've not been the best lately. Like, really. I've made the turn around, but yes, not the best. At this moment I feel so unworthy of God's love. At this moment, I feel like I don't deserve any of the gifts I've received. Yet, His grace is within me. To Him, I give my future. As long as it may last. I need to, I have to, I'm dying with out Him. Dying. I cling to Him. I should never have run.

A Taste of the Old Life

Today was a great day. Filled with childhood laughter and grownup tears. I work with the most bright young minds and today they reminded me, and helped me to learn something. Live with childlike faith.

What does that mean to me? Well, it means something plainly obvious yet deliriously overwhelming. I need to really learn how to laugh at the mistakes I make. I need to dwell on their consequences. I need a period of time in which to reflect. Most importantly though, I need to move on after I have learned the lesson. Not just say I've learned the lesson. But truly learn it. Much like a child learns that for every lego they don't pick up, that's one more minute of outside time they don't get. It's so startlingly simple that it frightens most adults into a stage much like the one I'm experiencing right now.

Rebellion.

That said, I do believe I'm done rebelling for quite some time now, leaning towards, well, forever. I've had my "fun" which turns out, isn't fun with some of the physical, and more deeply mental effects that they've had. Now it's time to focus on what really is a passionate thing and make it reality. It's time to grow up again. It's time to hit that next ball out of the park. It's time to really dig in and make those commitments to people and things that I've sworn I'd make so many times before. I just can't live without my purpose anymore and now I'm back. Re-doing my goal lists, my dream sheets, my trust circles. I'm re-doing it all. So that after this next part of my growth, I come back who I am supposed to be. A driven, successful, achieving woman of strength and integrity. I know I have it in me.

I deserve to have fun. But, I need to really get into focus. Into "the zone" if we're going to throw a cliche` in this late July night. I'm worth so much more than what I think I am. I have so many people who are influenced by me. So many people. I can't let them down. Not again. Not this time.

Childlike faith. I can see this through. Childlike faith. Because I believe in You. Childlike faith. I can achieve all things!

Fighting the Downward Spiral

So, lately, I've been doing things the wrong way. Totally and completely. My moral compass isn't even in my pocket, or on my person anymore. I left it back where I left my integrity. I feel like I've lost a battle I didn't even know I was in. It's definitely an interesting place. Now that I'm aware, I've taken measures to ensure that I get back on the right track. Some of these little points are hard to take and will be extremely frustrating at times, but I do believe that there is a reason for the backslide. I make no excuses for my actions, I knowingly have screwed up. Knowingly. I accept that into the deepest parts of my heart. I acknowledge it. I have gone before the altar to ask that He come back into this heart which so desperately craves for Him. I was using things to fill that void. Senseless, obscene, blatantly stupid things. I somehow thought that it could be better... I was wrong.

I'm now actively fighting the downward spiral, pressing onwards, forwards, and marching through whatever challenge comes my way. Like a bloodied soldier, gravely injured on the front line of war, I'm weary, beaten, defeated. Yet, I won't give up pressing on in the face of challenge. I must walk across enemy lines and take back that which they have stolen from me, or that which I gave up thinking it wasn't valuable.

My integrity, while at a low point, is still extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

My moral obligation to maintain high standards is extremely valuable. I need to go that back.

My ability to control how much alcohol I consume is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

My ability to see that I am worth so much more than I let myself think I am is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.

That's what I gave the enemy. What I believe they stole from me was my focus, my passions, my drive, and my emotion. Which, meant I was not only willing to let the other side take advantage of my weakened position that I damned near signed the legislation allowing it.

I just wish... that I didn't fall victim to the downward spiral. I had no idea how hard it would be to rise above it a second time. It's proving to be very hard. Yet, somehow I know, deep within me, that I'll rise to the occasion and let Him have control again. I got caught up in the lifestyle. The boys, the drinks, the clubs, the nightlife, the late nights. I love them. I'll never stop. For right now though, I may have to so that I may find my center, my course, my life again. I knew where I was going, I had fun on my derailment, now it's time to get back on the train called success.

It's time.

(Stop Writing) Fairytale Ending

Stop writing the script to our
To our fairytale ending
Baby it doesn’t exist because of you
You hurt me, cut me, don’t fight the truth…

So they said we’d be together until the end of time
You started crawling with a different queen
And when you got caught, you never came clean.

Stop writing the script to our fairytale ending
Stop pretending you’re my knight in shining armor.
You thought you had me, baby you thought wrong.
Now, I’d rather kiss the frog.

My mind flies back to a late November night
Our bodies writhing, sensual delight
You thought you had it made, a queen and a princess to play
But you got caught and now you have to pay

It’s time to rewrite this script to our fairytale
For you it’s turning into quite the nightmare
I put your pretty rhymes up for sale
And your other queen no longer cares… So…

Stop writing the script to our
To our fairytale ending
Baby it doesn’t exist because of the failed prince
You played with the wrong royal court

Nothing Like An Orlando Sunrise

Walking along the coastline in Miami
Cool breeze in my hair
Though I'm happy where I am...
Orlando is calling me home.

I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...

I like the nightlife, the boys are fine
The drinks are strong, the beat is right
However I yearn for when the time
When real comfort is mine.

I just wanna walk the sidewalks of Orlando
Instead of the boardwalks in Miami
I wanna run where my heart goes
Instead of hide deep inside me...

I wanna be wrapped in Orlando sunshine.
I wanna see the city skyline glitter
Like the beads of desire dripping from my heart.
Though there's peace in the waves crashing
Upon the sand
I wanna be back in Orlando
Where I belong...

You're My Excuse

You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do.
You're my excuse for the all sin that I pursue.
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing you.

Boy I caught you in the club
Like a disease spreading worldwide
The way you caressed my cheek
Liquid courage aside
I felt the fire deep within me heart
I danced up on you,
With nothing to hide...

You're my favorite damn excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the reckless sin I pursue
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing...

You spin my head right round as my morals
Fall straight to the ground,
Yes my pastor told me to take the high road
But my heart tells me to be bold.
You took my hand and led me past the velvet ropes
Took me for drives to see the city scopes
Baby can't you see you're driving me crazy
I just wanted you for one night, now...

You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the sin that I pursue
I know you're bad, so damn bad, but I can't stop chasing you

Listen Up.

Over the last few months, I've really been stuck. Hesitant. Almost guilty...

I keep going back to it, but the writing isn't happening. I can sit on blank page now and truly not be able to put anything down on it. I'm sad about it because now I'm beginning to figure out why.

I'm absolutely and completely torn away from my faith right now in a lot of ways. Carelessly I've let the ties that bind me to my true happiness and true faithfulness fall apart like crumbled sidewalk after a flash flood. I see a lot of the old habits that destroyed me creeping back into my life. Not brashly, not abrasively mind you. They're coming back intricately, seemingly invisible for the most part. The thing is, I don't see it until after it's effectively placed itself into my hands and my realm of influence and my life.

I do know after my conversation with a brilliant mind, on what could only be defined as a perfect date, I am filled with a lot of hope, a lot of joy, and a lot of work. He broke me out of the cage I was building around myself. Well, with God as the Commander of course. The talk brought out a few very specific needs that I have.

I need to go back to church. I need to limit how much, or specifically, where I go out and who I go out with. I need to trust my initial heart about things more. I need to run from what compromises my heart and my goal in this life. I need to put God back into my life. Not just as a section of my beliefs, but as the encompassing being that I direct my life to and through.

I have met some extraordinary people within the last month. Extraordinary. Yet, they're not extraordinary how I need them to be. They have that pretty smile, but they have an empty heart. They call me back, yet have nothing to teach me. I need the people around me to feed me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to embrace my faults. Not run when they find out something about me that doesn't vibe with them.

I've also been evaluating the core group of friends I have. Some are clearly good. Some are clearly not. Some I've had trouble deciphering up until tonights amazing conversation...

I need to feel the deluge of God reigning all around me again. That's really what I need. It will help clear up my doubts, answer my questions and let me move forward back into the path that I'm supposed to be on.

Listen up God, your daughter's crying. Can you hear her? She wants You back in her heart. Help her? Listen up. She's bleeding faith upon Your altar ready for her course to alter. Listen up.

I wanna touch you...

Here's some of my new cheesy pop lyrics that I'm talking about...

Touch Touch Touch

Heat of the night
Ladies looking fly
Heat of the night
Boys looking right...

Bar is hopping tonight,
See you in the corner and already I know
What you want...

You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name

So you have pretty green eyes,
What can you do for me
Other than buy me a drink

You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay,
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name.

I grab your hand lead you off the floor
Playing the part so well
I start dancing around you get but get so tipsy I fall
Into your damn spell...

You want to touch touch (touch)
What you can't reach reach (reach)
In the moment I'll be okay,
But in the morning damnit I'll have forgotten your name.


It's rough, but it's a start. I've five more tracks to lay down. This is the most writing I've done in a while.

Back in the Studio

After a long hiatus on the writing scene, I'm back. I'm working with a few pop artists coining lyrics to go with club ready beats. It's been fun and it's also definitely a challenge because my mind wants to go deeper than "Lookin' at you, lookin' at me, Too good to be true, how can this be?" My mind is too complex and too deeply ingrained to strive for the best I can be. Writing lyrics about a club night isn't hard. Writing lyrics about how one lost the one she loves to the war or how one is struggling to find herself... those are hard, those take thought. Don't get me wrong, writing these "superficial" lyrics hasn't been easy in itself either. Mostly because it's been a quite some time since I have written at all. I've been looking at the numbers both within and externally of this space and I have found that my writing has pretty much plateau'd at, well, zero perhaps one entry a week. There's tid bits here and there, but one solid piece of writing per week. I'm gonna try getting that back into order. Stretch my mind. Get back on track. I have to. My inner writer's crying to be writing again.

Hijacked.

In a way I feel like the me that I have been for the past year has been hijacked. Now, before you get all up in arms about it like I wanted to, you have to know this...

I was dying to be hijacked. I was dying to be intercepted. I was dying for a change in course.

This hijacking wasn't like a normal hijacking. It was quiet, well thought out, sneaky, and bold all in the same breath. A normal hijacking is loud, quick, and intricate. I woke up on Tuesday morning and realized that I had in fact been totally taken over.

Who are the hijackers? It's these beautifully constructed bottles. Some with real artistic quality. However, I'm looking at the beautiful liquids on the inside of these bottles. The life that they have given me is the one that I was deeply missing. The spontaneous, crazy, and down right exciting life. That said with everything must come balance. I haven't been balancing it lately. I've been hopping from one party to the next. One club run to the next. On bar scene to the next. I'm becoming the girl who finally feels comfortable in her own skin. No, it's not the alcohol that does it. Yes, it is the shot of tequila I have coming through the door that does.

Now, before you all call me alcoholic and stupid. Get it straight. I'm not. No, that's not denial that's straight up truth. Yes, sometimes I stumble out on the street so incoherent that I can't even talk. The fact of the matter is. I am not waking up regretting my decisions. I'm not waking up doubting my character. I'm not waking up concerned about who to be and what role in the world to play. Finally I'm allowed to be myself. I haven't been able to do that for years. You know, be me. Finding that balance between who I am and who I want to be. It's extremely nice. So what if I do come out of a club so drunk I can barely walk? I don't believe it's compromising my integrity, my life goals, or my ability to be the change I wish to see in this world. I don't believe it compromises my relationship with Christ. I believe in fact it has strengthened the loosed bonds I've been suffering with lately. How? Because I see people who truly don't have purpose walk from bar to bar, just begging for someone to give them a reason to live. I have my reasons to live. I have my reasons to breathe. I'd just forgotten that.

Will I stop partying? Doubtful. Will club runs become less frequent? Not likely. Will bar nights happen less? No. Why? Because they are my chance to let myself be myself in an environment where other people are looking to be themselves and looking for people who will accept them for the person who they are. Which is what we all really want isn't it? Isn't it?

I am so thankful I've been hijacked.