Feeling Good, Feeling Fine...

This Christmas turned out to be alright. We had some family drama and some big snow, but the thing is, I had a great time. I love my family and these are the times when I remember and truly appreciate that. Last night, I definitely remembered that. The night before last night, I definitely remember that. Today, I definitely remember it. They are the structure of my life. They provide for me unconditional support, love, and so many other great great things.

Remember that your family is always going to be there for you. Regardless of the dysfunctional moments and years, they're always going to be there for me...

I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas this year. I got love. Material wise, I got a pink laptop, brand new Ugg boots, and my Daisy by Marc Jacobs perfume. But mostly, I got love. Actually, I'd go even deeper than that. I got healing. I'd been suffering from a severe case of loneliness prior to the Eve of Christmas. But now I know that I'll never walk alone.

God taught me things today and yesterday that I had forgotten. I remembered the reason for the season. I remembered to love with my whole heart again. I learned how to forgive again. I learned to let go...

I've let go of the one thing on my heart, and it was hard, but easy. Easy because I haven't been there in forever, hard because I had been there for so long. I am just glad that I know in my heart, that I am responding to the greatest love in the world and the heavens. His love.

Mystery Part VI

As I've been writing consistently for about two weeks now I find some days that it is much easier to begin than others. Today was a real struggle to even complete these few sentences.

Creatively, I haven't been suffering lately, but it's the delivery that begs of better. I have so many grand ideas but no way to get them out of my head. It almost seems as if there's a great big disconnect. The hand is still writing just as always, the mind is still thinking just as always, but between the thought and the pen there is a void that I feel is deeper than the Atlantic Ocean...

That's the mystery of creative gifts. How strong they can be at times, and how non-existent they can seem in others. Prior to November I hadn't really written something solid or unique in several months. Granted I have quite the archive of napkin notes and phrases on receipts and half-written pages that I went back to for inspiration. No real new ideas have been given to my head to then place on the paper that I'm currently writing on.

I tend to think He does that so we remain thankful for the gifts and that we creatively don't drain ourselves and lose interest in our mastery. Which, in thinking, I did the first. I'd lost my thankful heart for being gifted with writing songs, poems, blog entries, you name it, I became very ungrateful. Not intentionally, it just kind of happens when you become comfortable with what you have. In fact, I'm not going to lie, He did take it away so that I could see just how necessary it is for me. It truly is my therapy. I don't think my gift is for the world at this point, but rather, it's my souls longing to be closer to Him but written out. Some have definitely read my writings, and some have definitely said that I am quite good and should pursue copyrights and get my material to book publishing companies and get some of my work out there, however, I feel as though it's for me, and me alone at this time. It's just a blessing if people find something relevant to their struggles within my writings. That said, I don't feel as if I should limit their abilities to receive the potential healing that my writings could provide. Then again, it is my unique writing so I feel like credit should be given where credit is due. To Him, for inspiring my thoughts, dreams, and actions. For placing in my heart goals, wishes, and aspiration. I take the earthly credit, but He deserves the eternal credit.

Overall, I am just thankful that I still have my gift and still get to actively practice it. I must remember to the Him for the gift much more often than I do. That my friends, is the mystery of creative gifts.

Caged, like an animal.

I've been listening to Britney Spears a lot lately. Her new album Circus just came out in the beginning of the month. It's been exciting to see her back on her feet and doing what she loves. A good friend and I are also going to see her on April 9th on her Circus tour. It's going to be absolutely amazing.

Tomorrow, I will be snowed in for a fourth consecutive day. It's getting redundant and tragically boring. I've made all the calls I've neglected, I've made calls I didn't want to make in the first place, I've read books, listened to music, watched TV, gotten on the treadmill, done some housework, read some more books, surfed until the end of the known internet, and now I sit here at ten minutes until eleven making tea. The sad thing is... I may not be able to make it out until Monday, and that's actually being generous. It's looking more like Tuesday. I guess this is my signal to refocus and dig deeply into myself.

So, in efforts to make my life a little less boring for the time being I'm going to resort to writing...

I got to thinking again about structure. Every time I think about it, my belief of structure is the same, and that same belief is strengthened. Structure is absolutely and entirely necessary. We need structure in our lives in order to find true existence. Why do I say that? Because without rules to break, we can't form our own ideals. We are incapable of such a feat. Why? I'll tell you...

As humans we search for definition and belonging almost our whole lives and we never give up until we find it, more likely these days, until we find something that feels like belonging...

I'm a little dizzy right now just thinking about it. Actually, I'm a little dizzy because I'm tired, and feeling just a little caged in right now. That and I fell twice on the snow/ice combination. I really don't like feeling dizzy. It's probably my least favorite feeling aside from helplessness. Anyways...

As I've grown up, I've been searching for an identity to call my own. As I turned twenty-one I believe that I found it. Well, maybe not all of it, but I found what definitely feels like the beginnings. Lately, I've been growing on that beginning and it's been a crazy ride, but one that I've absolutely loved and been thankful to be on. I am extremely excited to be who I am becoming and I am becoming someone great...

I just took my temperature, and it's 99.1, which is really high for me because my normal temperature is a little colder than the regular 98.6. I sit at a 96.7 on a normal day. It could explain my dizziness a little bit I think....

I just wish that the world would find an identity full of life and full of beauty instead of the one it seems to be going to, full of guiltless crime and corruption. I think this world needs a new, potentially stricter structure. One not so easily destroyed.

Stuck

I'm stuck. Not only physically at this very moment, but mentally and spiritually as well. There's a huge storm in this Northwest corner of the country at this point in time. It's already been icy and extremely cold here for an entire week, but alas the snow finally came today. Not just a little snow, but as much as several feet in places. We got between eight and nine inches here at my place tonight. Thankfully, I've been wrapped up in a lot of layers and I have several blankets and cozy spots to get comfortable in. It's amazing what a snow day can do to family morale. As much as I was dreading being stuck with them, it turned out to be okay. We went sledding, played cards, laughed, and prayed...

Anyways, as I was saying, I've also been extremely stuck mentally and spiritually because a disease called jealousy and a disease called desperation have collided within my heart. Not pleasantly, may I add. It's the worst feeling in the whole world to not only feel desperate, but to feel jealous within the same breath. I pray for a miracle every day. It's been the same miracle since late August, and I still haven't given up faith, even though every single sign tells me that I should. I refuse to believe that this pathway isn't the right one. There's too many things going for it. It just doesn't make sense. I wish I knew how to fight this. Well, let me correct that. I know EXACTLY what I need to do in order to fight this, but you see, I have this great big gap between my God and myself at this time. I know this would help to bring my heart a lot closer, but I'm scared that if I give it up to God, then I'll lose it. I also know that for my own sanity that I need to give it up to Him. See, I knew that writing this out would help me. It always does. I just don't understand how I go back into my cages as soon as I get "comfortable" with myself again. I limit my abilites greatly when I do that. Oh that sickens me so...

Anyways, things are going the best they can right now. There's not a lot I can do without leaving the perimeter of my household except grab a snowball and fling it as far as it will go...

Sounds exactly like what I need.

Christmas Bells

Christmas bells are ringing. Christmas bells are RING-ING!

Things are actually going to be okay...

For the time being, I have to continually remind myself of that. At about this time last year, I was introduced to the most amazing person, and ever since then, life has been nothing short of a whirlwind of triumph and struggle and victory and defeat. Yet, I find myself saying that things are going to be okay, because, I know they will be. It's not that this person has created this environment, or is even a factor in it, but they have helped me grow in ways I didn't know I needed growing. It reminds me that yes, things are going to be just fine...

Christmas is in a few days, and I have no idea what brought it around so quickly this year. I just got used to the year 2008 and now it's officially drawing near to its end. I'm ready for a few weeks of vacation. The opportunity to sleep past the sunrise for a solid ten days thrills my being. Time with family, and time with friends is essential for me in this season. I am excited this Christmas time.

Twitter

Follow the address. Be amazed. I update that baby real regularly. I hope you choose to Tweet with me!

Snowflake Lane

It's incredible what just fifteen minutes can do for someone. For me fifteen minutes of a drum line parked along Bellevue Way was all it took to regain some serious focus on life. Quite simply, I've been living too hard lately. But not in the sense most take it...

I'm talking that I'm forcing myself to grow up when it should be a natural process. Yes, I could be a late bloomer in some aspects, but still, you can't force change. I had been forcing change. Now, because of some bubbles masquerading as snowflakes, heavily costumed high schoolers and college-aged drummers, and a peppermint lollipop I have regained some perspective on just who I should be. I should be me. I should be me, in my own way, on my own time.

It's December 8th. Christmas is just around the corner and I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that things are changing. People will come and some will leave and I just need to accept that.

However, I've found just a little bit of Christmas Joy. To that, I will cling to, recklessly. That said, I am so grateful for my God, and my Savior. With them, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. So my ultimate joy is found in Him.

This Christmas..

This Christmas is slowly and surely turning into a Christmas like I have never known. Our normal family tradition is messed up completely. Some of my closest and best friends are leaving for the entire holiday season. None of the friends that normally come back home are making that journey back this year. I am deeply sad by all this. I know that when the week of Christmas does come that I will be excited and that I'll really appreciate all that Christ has done for me just that little more than usual...

Yet, tradition is tradition, and I do believe that my entire tradition has been sacrificed this year. It doesn't entirely make sense to me, although I am extremely excited to see the few people I will be seeing. Anyways,...

I got to writing last night. It was only a little stanza, but I really enjoy it because I think it reflects how I feel about things right now perfectly. Here's that stanza...

Crazy is my heart as I dive into you
Breaking the mold as I fall into step
Glorious love resounding intrinsically
Silhouettes cast, laying side by side
Forgetting the past, faithful to the future
Awesomely praising raw passion
We are like one tonight...

I just wish he got it. After all the sun's about to set and the sky will be getting very dark soon.

Taking the Drive

I think I'll be taking an extensive drive today on the way home. It just feels like one of those nights that I need to be in my car, in the quiet, listening to the quiet and making a difference in my own mind. I've begun to neglect myself again and I feel horrible about that. Entirely. If I'm not myself, or in my own perspective, how am I supposed to help the ones who mean the most to me? How am I supposed to be shoulder to lean on if I haven't made sure that my shoulder is strong enough to support myself. I've been leaning into someone lately that I don't think I should be leaning in to. Well, maybe I should be, but I just feel like it's perhaps... busywork for him rather than actually affecting lives. Well, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I've learned my lesson and will not be making the same mistake twice. Alright, it's already been more than twice, but you catch my flow... until next time...

Love me, hate me, say what you want about me...

I got a very rude awakening today. No matter how nice you are, there's still going to be people who want to kill you or worse, spread rumors about you. My integrity means a lot to me and when it gets compromised, I get very defensive. In essence today I got micro-managed! Me, MICRO MANAGED. It doesn't even properly compute. Then, after my gracious servitude to her cause, she proceeds to tell her little "circle" which also happens to be partly my "circle" that I was ineffective in my position and that she's not going to trust me anymore. Thankfully, the listening ears were smarter than to believe that and came directly to me when they found out.

I have no idea... I just know that maybe, just maybe, I'm too nice. That would be sad, because I don't mind being too nice. It's when people ask for my help, I give it, and then they override all the work I put in, and with not a single thank you, may I remind you.

In other news, my Britney Spears tickets have officially been secured. Life is great! I'm seeing an EXCELLENT show with an EXCELLENT person!

Chaos: The Britney Effect

Today, I will be buying two tickets to the most nostalgic event ever. I will be attending a Britney Spears concert. The Pussycat Dolls are the scheduled opener. The date is April 9th, 2009. It will be excellent. Chaos in the circus will be intense. The fire in my heart, even moreso. Presale starts in fourteen minutes. It will be the show of the year...

Also, life has re-stabilized a little. It's nice. You take the simple things for granted sometimes. I need to remember not to do that again.