it's raining all around me, yet i feel drier than the sahara

guess there is a time in everyone's spirituality when they drop everything and question it. I have done just that. He is everywhere, yet, I ca not even begin to collect on His love. It is like this wall has all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere. It has affected me deeply. I do not like who I am becoming all over again. It is that same girl I ran so hard from when I became saved. When I had the fire. When I could feel the raindrops of His love on my skin. I miss Jesus. I miss God. I miss the seeker I used to be.

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I had to leave halfway through the service, which in retrospect could have been Satan's play on my weakness. I practically ran from the church, and that is certainly not me. I cling to my faith recklessly. I left the service because I felt so empty. I felt like I did not deserve to hold court with my church family. As untrue as this is, I felt that God did not want me to be there.

I miss Jesus. I miss God. Yet He is everywhere I turn. I need to be awakened. I am finally desperate like I should be, but now I need to be awakened.

Satan is a powerful adversary and I never thought that I'd lose at any point in time, yet, I feel as though I just have.

It's a weird predicament that I'm in right now. What terrifies me is that I have to make some important decisions with Joeseph soon. I'm not healthy right now and it's not fair to him to have to deal with it. Yet, he's fighting his own battles and I refuse to leave him. The complexity of the situation and the layers that are involved are enough to keep me from sleeping, much like tonight. I get reckless, I get sad, I get moved, I get on my knees and beg.

I just want to be whole again. I just want to be whole.

I wanna not feel dry anymore. I want His waters to deeply saturate my skin and flood my veins. I do not want to cling to this cup of tea thinking that it could be my last as a believer. I do not want Satan games to ruin what God has done in me.

Sadly, I think I know what I need to do in aspects of being with Joeseph. We have travelled the road many times before. Yet maybe this time, the path has finally been cleared. Cleared so that I may be able to remember, recall, and recount. I need to remember what He has done and that He has sacrificed His Son in my debt. I need to recall that I am the warrior He is chosen me to be. I need to recount the continual blessings He has in my life.

I miss Jesus. I miss God.

Quiet time.

I need quiet time. For multiple days. Away from everyone and everything I know. Just me. Quiet time. With God. With Jesus. I need escape from this earthly place. Just for a little while. Hey God, can you hear me? Can you lead me? I need to be led. Hey Jesus, I love You.

Is Desperation really calling me?
Is Desperation where I find myself?

Show me Your way God. My eyes are open. I want to ENCOUNTER you like never before.

Square Off (Strong Waters Pull Me In)

The swells of the waves beckon me,
The depths of the seas call me, so cavernous
The fires deep in the forest burn my skin,
I can't help it, I can't help you, I'm giving in...

I think you're making me love,
Though I'm not sure what, what to love.
Tell me again, whisper it, right down to my core
Tell me you'll come and save me, always
As we're leaving, I feel danger all around.
I'm about to square off, square off with the biggest sin in town
I'm about to square off with reckless abandon
But I can't help but thinking,
I maybe lost in this battle until the end.

The cup in your hand, full of liquid quick sand
The enchanted glass in your hand, it's calling the best of me
To bring out the worst in me
Take a dive, unwrap the sin, deconstruct values, fuck morality
Slowly, patiently, the strong waters take me in...

Hey you, yes, the one, dressed in the perfect hue
You call me with your words, simple yet defined.
You've got me hanging onto your every move,
Let's take shots, the room spins...
You take my hand, lead me to a secluded opportunity

I'm looking straight ahead into what could become reality
Quickly, feverishly, the rapid inferno grapples within
With one kiss the world stops
With one kiss, the innoncence ends
We've blackened our hearts, and forgotten ourselves

I'm squaring off, with my own worst enemy
I'm past the threshold,
This time I don't look back...

Up against the cold concrete
Firewater dripping through our veins
I've never felt so real, never felt so alive
That is, until I realize, I've stepped out of the Light

I squared off with the criminal,
He got the worst of me to destroy the best of me.
I was led by the adversary's deceptive hand...

I sober up, you sober down,
You drive me home, a single sentence beckons to be said
Mutually, you and I agree
Let's square off, let's do it again.

A cry in the night, father lead me home...

As I sit here in the coolness of a fall night, I am thankful. Very thankful. A couple of days ago we got the news of my grandmother's heart condition worsening. I was told to start preparing my heart to say goodbye to her potentially by Christmas. I went headstrong into deep prayer. We got the news that she will be able to stand surgery and her life is once again lengthened. This is proof that God is listening. If you don't believe it, try listening.

Some days, I don't wanna sing...

Today's not one of them. Granted, I'll be tired to the maximum by the end of tonight because I'm going to be up until around midnight. That's not the point though. The point is this: I've had brilliant conversations, I've had lingering conversations, I've had passionate conversations, and I've had heartwrenching conversations. I just got off of the phone with Bretten. We started talking at like 11:30, it's now 2:40. We didn't talk. We prayed together. I haven't done that with anyone in an intimate setting like that for a very long time. I really enjoyed it. Really and truly. We sung a cappella with each other. It was the bonding of a glorious friendship. Sealed. He may be gone for few weeks now, but that's fine. Most of the friends I choose are travellers. I don't mind it. My closest friends are the ones farthest away minus a few locals here and there.

Anyways, digging deeper. I'm coming clean tomorrow. Again. It seems like this following God thing is always about coming clean and trying your darndest to stay that way. Whether I like it or not. I won't ever come close to pure. I can only strive deep within me with the power of Christ. I've gotta let Him in. I can't fear the fire when it comes, because it does and it's what should be happening. I get that fire, and then I get scared. I can't get scared. Being fearful is cool. Getting scared affects the Kingdom negatively.

I'm going into Missions Fest tomorrow, and all of Saturday. Hoping to be revolutionized. To be activated. To be driven so deeply into a passionate calling that even thinking about turning back feels like betrayal of God's glory. There's just certain things I haven't done. I haven't done a mission. I've wanted to for a long long time. Now's where I hit the ground running. It's a full fourteen hours of missions talk, and getting connected with a possible mission. Now is the time for me to shine the light.

There are so many things happening. It's time to take back my generation.

I walk in blessed assurance...

I had a wonderful conversation today with a beautiful person who held my heart for so long. He is incredible and I am so glad things between us are working out just how I'd always dreamed they would. He understands, I understand, and we finally understand the same things.

:) There's nothing better than finding completion in something that not too long ago seemed too lost in translation... Now we're back. We're better than ever.

Remedy

He is the remedy. He is the band aid. He is the one I need to build a better relationship with. I'm tired of going to church to go for the social life. Pursuing God is about loving His people and following Him, not using His people as a filler for my life. My life is full. My life is vibrant. It's all because He chose the path that I have in store. I need to run to Him. I need to be the Christian He wants me to be.

HE IS THE REMEMDY FOR A SICK SOUL

Fellowship of the Unashamed

This is probably going to become my battle cry for life. I found it in some book I read.

""" I am part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." I have Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I've stepped over the line. The decision had been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreaming, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals!
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by practice, live by prayer, and labor by His power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popular, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, let go, or slow up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work until He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me- my banner will be clear. """

Apparently this quote's been out there, I did some research and it has listed among its original staters 3 different ones. Anonymous, an African martyr, and Overlake's former pastor Bob Moorhead. Well, whoever it was, they were definitely connected to Him deeply.

I wanna soar like the eagles...

Dreams are just realities unrealized.

Semper somnia. Carpe somnia.

A Letter To A Friend,

Dear Friend,

You may be down, you may be sad, you may not understand why things are the way they are, and you may not feel like you're alright in your situation but there is a few things you need to know. You are loved, you are valued, you will get through the struggles, and you will see the other side. It may be a while but it will come.

Don't let the people around you affect your happiness. Do what your heart tells you to do, don't let anything other than your faith affect your decisions.

You are amazing. You are a part of my life forever.

Love you unconditionally, Amanda Marie (your mandabear).

hiding between reality and eternity

Hiding between the satin sheets is a promise to be broken
Hiding between the pages is a lie waiting to be told.

Hiding between my emotions insecurity breeds within me.
There's bridges to be crossed and bridges to be burned,
but where to go when the last bridge is the last bridge to cross?

When will I be okay, when will I let fear break me?
Is this really directed towards me, or a vent of emotion?

I'm tired of you living in my life, where there's nothing but tension,
Constantly on the rise.
I'm tired of being forced into yours, where you're losing the battles,
and the battle's always beating you.

Thank God, Thank God for telling me to go.
To me, you're now nothing but a solid shadow.
Goodbye dear friend.

Creation Festival West 2007

I know it's taken forever for me to get this posted but I got back from Creation Festival West on Monday of this week. Let me tell you, it rocked my world. There was so much to do and so much to see, and so much Love in the amphitheatre. I mean seriously, I went to the venue alone and then left with three phone numbers of people as close as Spokane and as far as Tennessee. You just don't do that on the streets. Anyways... Let me break it down for you, day by day.

Tuesday, July 24-

So, I went a day earlier than the festival actually started to do some scenic stuff on the road to my hotel room. From where I live, to Ellensburg, where I had my room at is about a one and a half hour drive. Beyond that, the Gorge Amphitheatre is about another hour. Anyways, the drive to Ellensburg, which shouldn't take very long ended up taking me almost four hours. I stopped at random exits, took a few random roads here and there just to see where they might go. I didn't go too far off of I-90 because I didn't accidentally want to get lost, but it was still a cool thing to do. I got to my hotel room at around 6, took a shower, turned on the television and proceeded to make myself sleep the entire night through. Which I did.

Wednesday, July 25-

I got up and out of the room at about noon in seek of Creation. However I got a phone call from a friend who I wanted to see quite badly. So instead, of heading to what I feared would be a terrible game of waiting, we met at the local Buzz-in for a late lunch or early dinner, however you look at it. We enjoyed a lovely dinner, filled with great conversation. I'm glad we got to catch up. I then made my way out to the Gorge, hoping upon hope I'd get on-site in time to see Jars of Clay and Relient K. I did make it in for Relient K. They were amazing, simply and utterly amazing. I went back to my hotel room as quickly as I could so I could rest up for the first 8 am - 11 pm day on-site.

Thursday, July 26-

I woke myself up at what I could only deem at the time as "too early" for normal people. I proceeded to take advantage of the pastries in the lobby and I got into my car. Now, I don't know what about driving does it for me, but as soon as I get into my car, I am awake and ready for the day. I just love driving I guess. So, I got parked and was in the amphitheatre at around 9, just an hour after gates opened and got my lawn seating set up. I knew I wouldn't stay, but the beauty of being with 20,000 family members is that you can trust them. I had everything in the backpack I had brought and left it there for whoever I wanted to go down closer to the Main Stage. I even left it when I went to the Fringe Stage. Back to what I was saying, I got set up and I was led in worship by a new name to me, Phil Wickham, who has made me a quick fan. And then I heard a beautiful talk by Phil Lookadoo. I got tired and then proceeded to fall asleep. I mean, I heard Story Side B in my sleep, but I totally didn't give them the attention they probably should have deserved. It finally started heating up at this time and it got hot. At the peak of the day it got to be 97 according to my little thermometer, which I lost somewhere. After the lunch break a group named Group 1 Crew woke me up, and from that point on, I was awake the rest of the day. Now, I haven't mentioned any water consumption as of this point, because, well, I hadn't consumed any. Which, I believe, led me to the events that would unfold that night. I decided to make my way up to the Fringe Stage for Everyday Sunday and MxPx, needless to say, I'm glad I was there. Because they are both amazing live acts. I then bought my only water bottle of the day, a small 16.9 fluid ounce bottle of water, for an entire day in 97 degree heat. Yeah, I was brilliant, and I was starting to feel my brilliance. I got really tired just as Ron Luce spoke in the evening. This is when the bigger names in Christian music come out to play and tonights line up was amazing. Chris Tomlin and Switchfoot. Honestly, it doesn't really get a whole lot better than that. So I went down into the pit for them and though I was dead, I was praising at the top of my lungs in some foolish mindset that maybe if my voice was loudest that God would love me most. That's not how I feel at all, but it makes for a good laugh. It's amazing I actually made it back to my hotel room actually. I got back to my room and made myself take a long shower. Notice, I still didn't consume anymore water. Then I wrapped myself up in my comfortable pajamas and crawled into that bed and wrapped up and fell asleep with intentions of doing it all over again tomorrow.

Friday, July 27-

I got up at the same un-holy hour as the day before and immediately felt horrible. My head hurt more than it had in quite a while, my muscles were screaming, and my stomach was crying. It took me quite a while to get ready because of all of that. I got myself out and to the Gorge at 10 am, a little later than I wanted to be. I still felt really horrible, and me being me, I couldn't understand why. I then decided to go get another water bottle and I took one sip and I proceeded to throw it up. Brilliant. So I didn't drink another sip until around the time that Red took the Fringe Stage. A big reason why I came to this festival was for them, and they did an amazing job, followed by a great talk by Zoro and Day of Fire. Let me tell you, Day of Fire, rocks it, and rocks it hard. Anyways, by this time, I seriously wasn't feeling well at all. I had this huge dilemma on my hands as well. Do I stay for the rest of the day or miss the one of the two acts I'd really came for? I decided I'd catch as much of Downhere as I could and then go back to the room. Who are great and greatly under-the-radar. I love Kutless and the Newsboys, but my health needed me. So I chose to get out and I was back to the room at around 7. Where I made myself drink water, not all at once, but sip by sip. As soon as my body realized that what it was getting was the greatest-thirst quencher, I stopped throwing up. Then it occured to me, I was extremely dehydrated. So between the hours of 7 pm to 11 pm I finally had consumed enough water that seemingly I could have drowned in. But I didn't, heck, I didn't even expell any of it. My body needed that. During those four hours before I feel asleep, all my symptoms virtually disappeared. I wasn't nauesous, I was no longer suffering from dizziness, I could walk straight, I wasn't throwing up anymore, and I wasn't having the worst headache of my life. I also immediately decided to get "water smart" for tomorrow. Funny thing, I didn't suffer alone. I had a friend who had told me they were going a couple months ago call me up just around the time I was almost asleep and she was begging for somewhere comfortable to sleep for the night. She was suffering the exact same thing I was. So I said if she could find a ride into town I'd be happy to have her. She got in and settled and we were both asleep before 1 am. I'd also decided I'd take it easy tomorrow. For safety's sake.

Saturday, July 28-

I woke up at around 10 in the morning and my friend was sound asleep. I woke her up and we slowly got ready. We got to Creation at about 2pm. We separated ways at the gate, and I told her to call if she needed to get back to the room. I proceeded to buy all the merchandise that I had been looking at, and was lead by Leeland in an amazing set of songs. I didn't hear from her, and I was getting excited. David Crowder and his amazing Band were getting closer and closer. Then, just as they were about to go on, she calls me, she's at the hotel and I'm not there, and she doesn't understand why? Well, me being me, I sacrifice David Crowder for this friend who isn't quite as bright as me, and I truck my way back into town. She was grateful. Under the surface I was upset, but I put on a great front. It was actually probably a good thing in retrospect that I left when I did, because I pretty much crashed as soon as I got in. I was a lot more tired than I thought that I was.

Sunday, July 29-

My friend was gone before I woke up, but left a sweet little note and a Starbucks gift card. I had another friend I was meeting up with anyways. I met up with that friend and had an amazing conversation. I was deathly tired though. So much sun in so little time really took my energy level for a ride. So we ended our coffee date and I went back to the room for what I thought would be a nap. I'd originally intended on taking pictures around town in the sunset, but when I feel asleep I woke up at midnight and then proceeded to go from that nap, to a shower, to sleep again. I then woke up and checked out of the hotel on...

Monday, July 30-

Where I made my way home. And boy, home felt good. But Creation was a blast and a great experience. I met amazing people. I sang songs of God. I gave my tribute to my Creator and it was in a gorgeous setting. God is Good. Never doubt that. I loved every minute of it.

Made to Love.

It's the early morning, just before sunrise and all I can think of is lost Love's surprises on this generation. The one that's staring me straight in the face with hearts full of ache and eyes straining for a hope they don't think don't deserve, but that they've earned without knowing it. That's when I remember this:

He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.

We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.

Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?

Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?

Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?

I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.

Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of life. Now is the time to start that revolution.

Being Humbled...

As I was driving along today I got humbled. Not just the surface humbled, but the full on body-shaking, core-stumbling humbled. There's this homeless guy who I've seen standing on the same corner for almost a year now. Now, I don't know if he's actually homeless or just bumming money for cigarrettes and booze, but something hit me today. Hard. God looked me straight in the rearview mirror and said "Swallow that pride of yours and give this guy a chance." So, I did. I took out what I thought was an appropriate amount of money and rolled my window down and gave it to him. He was genuinely thankful. I was humbled. I have given to a homeless person before, but never have I been god-sent to give like I was here. I cried after I gave it to him. I cried hard enough I thought I should have pulled over, but I didn't. Now, I don't know where his money goes at night, but that's not my concern. That is God's and God will alone to convict him. God alone convicts me. That's how it goes. We can choose to follow that conviction or rebel against it. I have never felt more blessed.

It's kind of interesting really. While I most likely would have wasted that money, and the chances are high he will as well, it doesn't really matter whose hands it was in does it? Think about that next time you decide to reject a person's outstretched hand. Where is that dollar of change really going to go? Could that dollar or five dollars been that persons honest "fresh start?" Would you be so selfish to deny them that for a pack of gum or a cup of coffee? I'm learning not to hold on to money. Why? Because it's His money, not mine. He will use it as He sees fit. I'm not one to judge.

I've also been tithing on a regular basis. That in itself is an interesting experience for me. It's already shown fruit and I only hope to continue to see this growth within me.

I am a changing Christian, and God is preparing me to shock His Kingdom for a great cause. I am so blessed.

There's always a silver lining,

Yeah, there's always a silver lining. It's pretty much comes up when you least expect it, but it's always there. Just waiting to be found. However, the beauty of the silver lining laying within God is that it's always the sweetest silver lining ever.

I visited my old youth group for the first time since I left high school in Duvall and it was a revelating and beautiful and it was full of grace. What I once declared an "unwell" church group was full of life. They are doing a mighty work at SoulFire and I had no idea the growth that I would encounter. We had such a great experience with God. I was carried to the table, and I was convicted to do many things that I've either been denying or that I had no idea I needed to do at all.

I was so gifted with the youth today. So gifted. I knew I was being called back. I knew there was a reason that I was being called back. I now know why. It's so I can start preparing for how youth function. How they learn. How a youth ministry is effective. How they're not. I am facing the biggest challenge of my life, going out and ministering, but I can prepare myself. The biggest way that I'm preparing myself is getting biblically sound. Meaning, I'm basically in the process of memorizing as much of the Bible that I can.

I love my life. Pure and simple, even when it's a cloudy day, there's always a silver lining.

On the road...

I'm on the road to a brand new "real" me. It feels amazing. I am fully prepared to be the person God wanted me to be and I am so thankful for the two people who really spoke into that. The first person being a beautiful and amazing person. She's strong, she's absolutely gorgeous, and she's one of my favorite people in the entire world. I don't even know where she came from, but she was sent to me by divine appointment. The other person is my pastor. He is strong and sweet, protecting and charismatic. Even though the sermon this past Sunday didn't directly reference the situation that I'm in, God definitely spoke to me on my faults. He is speaking volumes upon volumes. I am so blessed to have people in my life who will call me out and call me forward. I know that whatever journey I may be facing is going to be long and it's going to be extrememly spiritually challenging, but with the support I have in my life, and the love of a Father and a Saviour, I will be fine. I just need to pray, and remember to stay in the Light this time. No straying, no hesitating. I am me; uniquely, wholly, and wonderfully made. I need to embrace it. I need to run with it.

I am nothing.

I just realized that today. But not in the sense that you would think. I am nothing. I mean things to people, I mean things to God. But I've locked up my real gifts so deeply within me I have no idea where to begin unraveling the string that ties the package together. It took a conversation from a surprising person on a hot night on a set of stairs. It was amazing. Now, I must begin that process, because quite frankly I love what I am deep within my core. I am beautiful. I am unique. I am made by the Creator of the universe. I should be embracing that beauty and the skills that I have been so graciously given. I am ready to begin my transformation.

Make the reconnect.

An old best friend has reappeared back into my life, and things are like they used to be. My Adonai has answered a huge prayer. Life is wonderful.

I wanna be in the light.

As quoted from Charlie Peacock's "In The Light"...

I wanna be in the light as you are in the light,
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens,
Lord be my light and my salvation,
All I want is to be in the light of love,
All I want is to be in the light.
____________________________________________________

The light is shining in my face. I can see it, I know it's there, but I just want to feel it caress my face, to whisper into my ear.

____________________________________________________

That being said, I am in dire need of a little bit of relaxation. To refocus and recreate my gameplan on life. It's time I care for myself instead of others for just a little bit. I'm tired, I'm spiritually cold, and I'm sad because of that. I'm ready to be whole. I've expressed it many times before. I am so ready to be back on fire.

Leaving what I knew...

After several hours of deep thinking I did last night I've come to this conclusion in my pursuit of Christ. I need to leave what I knew, and be completely ready for the unknown. I've come to this conclusion because I realized that if God's Kingdom ever gets predicatable then I'm living in it wrong. I'm tired of having that be a real possibility. I still love Overlake, I'll never leave Overlake, but I need a deep revolution within my soul.

A deep revolution. One that I can feel. Which is strange, because I feel like it's coming. However, the harder I run, the harder I'll fall. The harder the fall, the harder that I'll go to the altar.

Love is a beautiful thing. It's even more beautiful when you realize and keep in mind that Jesus is involved.

All Slow Down.

Reminding myself to breathe.
To slow on down.

His word is eternal on my heart.
Why do I rush on and forget His faithfulness?

Why am I lost without reason?
Why is the fire that once burned, simmered to nothing but a flicker?

I want it back. I want the realization that I was wonderfully made to resound deeply within me again. I'm tired of yearning, when He's been there all along.

I fall on my face in His presence, seeking the fire in which I used to have.

I love you Saviour God. I dream for You. I truly am lost in this cluttered world without you. I know you have me. I know I need you know. More than ever.

A Shattered Case of Misconceptions.

I'm sorry if I ever misjudged you.
Even more so, I'm sorry if I ever put up a wall to lead you down those judgements.

The thing is, I am me. The thing is, you are you.
Why the hell did I play the Queen when I should have played the fool.

For me a poetic license hides truth. Or does it reveal inconsistencies of my own or yours?
Drenched in sweat, plagued in fear.
Will you figure me out? Will I figure you out?
Will I figure me out?

Baited breath, I sit in the sun.
The smell of coffee, and raspberries flood my senses.
The resolve of love, loss, gratitude, grief fill my eyes.
How I enjoy the sun.

A shattered case of misconceptions.
A table filled with immaculate mysteries.
I'm so sorry, I misjudged you.
You, forgiven. You misjudged me.

I have a burning questions. Ones so deeply within.
What if what I wanted was the plate-glass misconception?
What if the person I really am isn't the one you really wanted?

We both lay down in the velvet depth of night.
We're both just a shattered box of misconceptions.

Come Back For Me

When you go, don't go silently
Make a storm, shut the door violently
Make me believe in this thing,
This trivial thing...


If there's no storm, then how am I supposed to want more?
If there's no tears, then why should this be a fear?
There's one thing that I want to say,


I can't believe you're leaving,
I can't believe you're going,
Leaving this beautiful thing behind,


But you can make it worth-while,
By promising just one thing,
Mark... my words,
Come back for me...


Leave me in a rage, or don't leave at all
Make my heart hurt, so I can survive this fall
You'll be gone, and out of touch
But drive faster, throw out your clutch


I can't stand how you just walk away and
Avoid what's real.
Your heart goes numb, my heart grows faint,
Just come back for me, oh,


Let the sunset tragically,
Let the sunrise in vain,
Let's leave this on the runway,
Glass hearts, shattered on the ground,


Then maybe, just maybe, we'll come out of it alright.
Then maybe, oh maybe, you'll come back for me.