Holding onto what is easy...

Losing the easy things in life is a lot harder than it seems. Why? Because they're easy. They come naturally. They're just... easy. I'm learning that the easy things are the things that aren't worth it. Why? Because I didn't sacrifice in order to gain. I didn't lose in order to see...

I like working for the things I love the most. Mainly I love working at relationships. I don't like the good ones handed to me. I like some element of challenge. I have that in all my close relationships. Granted, I love stability, but I like to fight for love. Jesus fought for love. I think I should too...

In other news, it's gotten pretty cold here in Seattle. It's nice. I can bring out the layers and scarves and cute skull caps again. It's not quite cold enough for the caps yet but I can feel it on the horizon. In a strange way, I love the cold. It reminds me that I can be vulnerable and lean on something if I need to. It's great.

I'm slipping into an old habit again... It's not necessarily good. But it feels so right that it can't be wrong. Well, I know it's wrong. But it feels so good. Liquid poison is definitely flowing freely through my veins...

Feel the Sting...

I got the initial burn months ago. It's been festering ever since. Even blistering, and re-opening and everything in between. Only now am I feeling the truest sting. The sting signifies the deepest part of the pain, the hurt, the doubts. This means healing isn't far behind. I know I've not done the best job trying to heal, but now is the time. Now is the time to break away, make a new name, create an improved me. Without this part hindering my way, now I can really run free. Be me. Most of all, now I can go out and find someone who truly appreciates me for who I am instead of using me, pretending he's not associated with me, and generally making me feel terrible about myself. The terrible thing, he's not intentional about his actions. He doesn't know, and honestly, that's fine. If he had even slight clue I'm sure he'd feel terrible. That said, he's one of the best people to ever happen to me. He's helped me grow, he's helped me find myself again, he's been a huge stability in a world that was rapidly changing around me. Now it's time to cut my cords, set myself free and let me shine like I know I can. That said, whenever I'm with him, I always makes sure he's the one who shines. And in those moments, I have come to realize, that it's rarely reciprocated. I mean, I get the casual throwbacks, but not once, not once has anything he's ever said to me felt deeply genuine.

I can't believe I fell for this one so hard. Shortly, I'll be searching out a new upline to direct me, guide me, excite me. I hope it's an easy transition. It's really unfortunate that he'll be out of town for an entire two weeks starting Saturday, because I wish I could talk to him before he goes.

He's proven himself to be many things. I'll list the positive only, because negativity isn't really warranted in my life right now.

He's kind, caring, fun, loyal, exciting, good to be around, gorgeous, handsome, honest, and sweet.

What I need right now is integrity, devotion, loyalty, trust, excitement, joyfulness, tough love, and good communication. Right now, I feel like I'm not receiving those things. I'm not one to get angry, but at this point my heart is three steps away from such emotion. I'm at frustrated right now, and there's only a few small triggers left to be pulled. I can't be taught success without getting some real two-way devotion. I know I've willing laid my heart, and my journey in his hands and so far I barely feel like he's even touched me. I feel like I'm still in the stick that clay comes in, I've not even been rolled into a ball at this point. I know I can be something beautiful, but I don't know how to do it alone. It scares me. It really, really scares me.

I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I screwed up what could have been this exceedingly great reward.

I could say so much more, but I fear it'll get me into trouble tonight.

Back at Square One

Yeah, we all know what it's like to be put back, no, forced back to square one. Quite honestly, and forgive my bluntness, it really sucks. I know that this is definitely not the most eloquently stated phrase but it's the real truth and it's not even deep under my skin or anything. Sick...

Anyways, in just under a month I am definitely looking forward to my two-day event. I will be going to my third Christian Musician Summit. It's honestly been one of the few environments where I've really been able to connect on real levels with people who are seeking just like I am. I am so happy I've attended for a few years now. I feel like a veteran. Last year was extremely significant in a way that wasn't expected at all. It's the place that I met Andrew for the first time. God orchestrated it perfectly as far as I'm concerned and the friendship has done nothing but flourish up until this point and I really am excited to see what God has in store for him. I know it's beyond big. I am also excited to see just how our friendship grows too. He will never understand his impact in my life. Never. Enough with that...

Back to the summit itself, it's two full days of teaching with Christian music's biggest names. Not only do they perform, they teach, in classroom style lectures. They shake hands, take five minutes to address you, and when they're not teaching, they're wandering the halls, just like the fellow attenders. I am always deeply restored after this event. It always refreshes the water in my mind. I think right now that I need this deeply...

There's on thing I need to erase from my mind and it's absolutely critical that I begin the process now, before I get way wrapped up in it. It's about ninety percent certain that I already am and that is what really gets to me. I am sacrificing everything I am to this cause, yet, each time there's a chance for reciprocation it never happens. I wish there was, because what this could be... well, it could be epic. Absolutely, entirely. I'm just wondering how long this ride is going to last, because it's hard, especially when I don't think the door has really been closed on the subject.

So, I'm back at square one. Loving it, well, learning that it's going to teach me new things. I am deeply excited for CMS. I need it. I need it badly.

Sanctuary

Sanctuary - a place of refuge from hardship or trial.

I have been blessed to find out that I have five very distinct places that I can call sanctuary. Those places are my car, my house, my Nana and Papa's house, my church, and if I'm with Sarah, Andrew, Cameron, or Allana. Each place has become essential to my growth and my continued health for different, very personal reasons. I know that I'm safe in these places, I know that I am not judged in these places, and I know that I am loved in these places. While elsewhere in this world I struggle for acceptance, or sometimes just a place to breathe, I know that these places are for my use, my blessing, my response to the cross. We must respond to the cross in thankfulness when such realities become apparent in life. I don't deserve Sarah. I don't deserve Andrew. I don't deserve Cameron. I don't deserve Allana. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve my car. I don't deserve any of it, yet, here I am, chest deep in blessing after blessing. I love each treasure I have been given and now I know that I must keep it stored near to the front and remember always the blessing.

Where is your sanctuary? Where do you find your refuge?

Defy Gravity

So, when you have something that seems so far out of grasp what do you do? You defy gravity of course!

"I'm through accepting limits..." Part of what I believe is the pinnacle song in the Broadway musical Wicked, the character Elpheba realizes what I think anyone with a dream should realize...

No dream, no matter how foolish in thought it may be, is not worth going after. God in His authority of the human life wrote into our lives the complex ability to dream. He gave us the freedom within His Kingdom to make dreams so outrageous as to keep our eyes focused on the cross in praise and worship.

What's better? He celebrates, and even rejoices when we have a dream, go after it, and ultimately make it happen. Satan loses so much power when he sees a disciple achieve a goal. He trembles with fear because he knows that this dreamer's core belief in God is ultimately sharpened and deepened. Why? Because through achieving a goal, sacrifice, trust, and strength are learned, attained, and the lessons learned are clung to for the rest of that dreamer's life...

This example isn't the most grand of all, but I find it close to my personal realm. It's not a typical one, but I find a lot of joy in it. It's the search of the perfect sunrise. You know what the basic requirements are. They include good weather, a good morning attitude, and a clear view of the east. More deeply, you need patience. So you decide to go out in search of the perfect sunrise. The day starts off clear, you're up early with your coffee in hand, and you have the perfect spot in mind to watch the beautiful sunrise unfold. You set out and since it's still dark you don't see the fog bank roll in and your eyes begin to get a little bit heavy. You get to your location just as the first whisperings of the new dawn break into view. You begin to make out the fog rolling in and lose just a little bit of heart. You sit there slightly upset for just a little bit longer and realize that not only has the fog come in but so have the clouds. You retreat back to your warm bed and fall back into a wonderful sleep cycle. This next part is where dreamers and non-dreamers greatly differ...

The dreamer will get up that very next morning and try again to catch that sunrise. No matter how many times they've not gotten their desired result. The dreamer keeps trying and trying because they have purpose, they have goals, and they have their faith. Their dedication will see them through. The non-dreamer reconciles that it wasn't meant to be and gives up that search of the perfect sunrise. The non-dreamer gets easily frustrated and loses the passion and the drive before a real result can announce itself.

I used to be the non-dreamer. Always giving up. That said, the last couple of months have definitely taught me that giving up is quite silly. Yes, I just used the word "silly." I have no fear in doing so in this particular case either. I can't believe that for so long I refused to give myself a chance. So I started a project off with some real effort and some real passion. Yet, when the bulk of the hard work began to come, I ran the other direction and quit trying, even though I'd made an extremely good start. I lost the dream. The dream is what holds the fabric of the human nature together. Without it we have no reason to move forward. How important is moving forward? Extremely. Without moving forward, we'd still be inventing the light bulb and printing press. Without failure before triumph we'd be working on the telephone and the radio. We need to dream, we need to be free to dream, we need to live up to our graced-by-God opportunities!

Now is the time. There is no going back. Go find your sunrise, whatever that sunrise may be.

It's a long time coming...

I'm finally coming clean, can't you see boy, you're the only one for me. You've got everything that I want and more. You've got the world inside you I just want to explore. Take over me, I'm willing. Let me take you over, I'm feeling like you want it more...

We're just stuck in denial, baby I know these things take their time, but can't you see that ours is slipping, slipping, slipping away...

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Yeah, that was definitely a side thought, but I felt like I had to share that for my own sake. Seeing as how this is my platform, yes, I'm going to share it.

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I have lost my writing lately. Not in the fact that my passion has disappeared, but the fact that the time to sit down and really get into it has. There's so much that I want to write, so much that I wish I could write, it's just time is so fleeting, and now I see that.

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In other news, I'm back on track, I had the most perfect weekend in Portland this past weekend and it really helped me re-focus myself on my goals. I'm so thankful for the wealth of positivity and knowledge around me. Blessed really. I don't deserve the wonderful gifting that I receive through it I feel, yet, I keep getting it so I need to put my effort in on the subject.

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I've been thinking a lot about a few different yet extremely awesome subjects that I can't wait to process with you! Hold on, and I'll be back to myself in just a few more days! I am so blessed to be on this journey.