Ivory

I am thankful for my musical passions and ability to play the piano and sing songs this morning. So very grateful.

This is my purpose, this is my calling, now I wait for the open door. I pray on bended knee I'm allowed just one more open door. I know I've closed so many before, but this time, I'm serious. I get a door, I'm flying through it. No doubts. No fears.

I am so blessed with this passion. So blessed. I know I've said that a million times before, but why did it take until just now to register and sink in?

"I wanna live for You, go where You lead me. I wanna follow You" - Starfield

Swing, Swing.

It's a weird place to be in a place of contentment plus a place of complacency with a dash stress and a pinch of joy. It makes the days go by quickly individually yet take forever in great lengths of time. There is no complaints from me this time however. I am enjoying the way my life is this time. I will not complain about what I don't have. Because in relation to most, I have more at this very minute than others will have their entire lifetime. Yet, I do pray and pray for continued well-being and that I still receive challenges.

I am happy. I am desiring a little bit less complacency in my callings, but I am happy.

approaching 21.

My birthday is approaching. It's ninety-two days away. It's not "right around the corner" but I feel like I'm dancing pretty closely with it. On May 24th 1987 I was born, and on May 24th 2008 I turn the big twenty-one. To tell you the truth, it's a lot sweeter lacing words together about it than it will be in action. It's the monumental occassion when a person gets to drink legally. For me, that is going to be extremely uplifting. Dangerous, but uplifting. I have made the hard decision not to embrace the "lifestyle" that so many people embrace after turning twenty-one. Yet, with most dinners I will have a glass of wine. For me that will come as a remembrance not of anything else. I will have the glass of wine as a way to come into communion with my Father. As a way to remember that His Son's blood was my sacrifice. I will embrace the freedom that He has commissioned for me. I will not drink in excess. Yet, I will not deny it.

Three words.

HE. IS. REMEDY
there, was i clear enough?

Needless to say, I needed some great therapy and I turned to Him. Probably, honestly, for one of the first times ever I turned my eyes upward and fell to my knees. I pray a lot, and I go to Him a lot. But usually I sit here and try to help myself or seek earthly counsel. I sought Him, and He rewarded me. I am learning the discipline.

HE. IS. REMEDY.

Not Going Back...

As much as I sit here questioning the realness of Jesus Christ and the reality of God, you'd think I would have gone atheist a long long time ago. Heck if not as drastic as atheism, even agnostic would have been too far away.

I don't know why I'm questioning it so much lately, I never have before. Is it because I've become complacent? Chances are good. Chances are very good that I have. I don't like complacency. Is it natural? Sure. Even the most passionate of people get complacent within their fields for short times. Yet somehow they work through it and find the realness, the rawness of their passion. I know I have it somewhere, somewhere locked within this tired person.

I am so thankful for my Jesus. I am so thankful that I have a Creator. I know that and I will never go back to the time before I got saved. I spent too much time getting hurt and hurting other people. I love to live for others now. I strive to make sure everyone I know is constantly doing well. I strive to show my Creator just how much I love him. Whether through using this written gift, my vocal gifts, or whatever else he chooses to bring forth. I sink a little deeper under the covers as I write this. I am so thankful I have a warm bed and a loving family to call my own. The blessings of God upon my life are great and very close between.

I'm not going back. I just wish I wasn't questioning doing so. It scares me that I am. My heart knows the realness of God, my logical mind tells me that there's no way it's true. It's dangerous. But I'm not going back.

NOT. GOING. BACK.

Not-So-Anonymous

Dear Not-So-Anonymous,

Tonight, I cried for you. I don't know why. I cried out of deep place in my heart that I didn't know I had. One of desire that I never knew. I met you and the world stopped. I went home and on my knees begged the Savior of my soul to let me see you again, just one more time. He's granted my wish, several more times since then. Your name sits on my mind all day long and I don't know why. My past had a clear grip of my soul until that moment I came across you. You gave me hope, you looked at me with a childish smile that told of a struggle on the inside. Whether you read this or not isn't my concern. It's whether you know it or not. For the first time ever, I dreamed of having someone falling asleep next to me. I am praying in silent urgency to the Savior in your name. I am so amazed by your walk. I am so amazed by the way you hold up yourself. That moment you came into my life, the world stopped and my heartbeat raced, for just that moment when our eyes met. I don't know what's come over me. I don't know, but I like it and I never want it to go away.

Pray with me now. Humble yourself before God. So that we may never be separated again.

With Love, Amanda

Blank Pages.

I sit here desperately trying to write, anything. This page is blank and the limits of my imagination is non-existent. Yet nothing comes from it. The words that I write and erase and write again feel meaningless on this night. I am restless and my heart just will not quiet. I think it stems from some of my actions that I've been suffering from lately. I am such a sinner, and I'll never ever be able to be clean again. I desperately crave purity. Desperately. I want it for His sake, I want it for my husband's sake. I want it for anyone who I've ever "preached" to and never told them my struggles in return.

I want to write here and now in this moment, yet nothing seems worthy of His time. Do I even really hold a court with Him when I screw up? Do I ever regain the solidarity of our relationship before I started slipping? I question it everytime, yet everytime there He is picking me up from the misery that I've made myself.

As one of my most favorite songs proclaims...
"I know that my Redeemer lives and now I stand on what He did. My Savior, my Savior lives. Every day a brand new chance to say, Jesus You are the only Way. My Savior, my Savior lives."

Why is it that I know all these cliche' biblical truths yet I can't truly wrap myself around how wonderful and amazing they are? Why is that most Christians recognize these simple biblical truths and can't even begin to fathom their true depth and liberating freedoms.

I am saved by the blood of Christ. I am no longer that person I was before I was saved. I am a committed member of His army. Yet, for all that, I can never dedicate enough of myself to Him. Why? Because He gave it all for me. In crucifixion. I love my Jesus. I love my God. I love the Holy Spirit that dwells so powerfully in me.

My prayers are selfish right now. I should be praising Him for all that I'm blessed with, but all I seem to be doing is praying for an open door. One open door that would truly complete me. I will go wherever He sends me as long as He sends me with a certain person. That's the selfish girl inside of me talking. I should be praying for my future beloved. I should be praying for an opportunity to serve Him. I should be on my knees facedown in guilt begging for repentance. Yet, I'm at His table, blindfolded and not sure where the next step to take even starts.

My eyes have started to get tired. I've been sitting here for almost three hours and this is all that my mind has been able to bring forward. It started out as a blank page, yet now it has real substance. A conclusive statement. That statement? I need to be the soldier and the child of God I signed up to be. That's it. That's a lot, but that's it.

Turns out this page wasn't so blank after all.

Carry Me

Swinging from plastic church to tequila bar in the stars,
Looking for the next "something else"...
I can't help but feel a little lost,
A little left out of the proverbial picture.

From empty stares, and incomplete minds
Sacred sad stories and people hiding in lies...

There you were looking at me, with eyes of grace.
I always knew you were looking at me,
But never until now did I really see,
Just what kind of man you turned out to be,

You have the strength of a million men
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You have the love of above
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You gave it all for me
Carry me Jesus, carry me
I could not have been more blind
Carry me Jesus, carry me

Started to turn my back on you, promising that "This is the end"
Yet a divine tragedy put you in front of my face yet again.
You took my hand, led me from the liquid I so desperately sought
I fought and you never let me go,

You have the strength of a million men
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You have the love of above
Carry me Jesus, carry me
You gave it all for me
Carry me Jesus, carry me
I could not have been more blind
Carry me Jesus, carry me
Carry me Jesus, carry me

Lead me from my hypocrisy
Carry me Mercy, carry me
Lead me from temptation
Carry me Grace, carry me
Make this blind heart see
Carry me Love, carry me
Help me remember that You're the Holy,
Jesus, Jesus carry me.
Carry me, Jesus, carry me.

Creating That Old Time Melody

It's all about that old time melody for me lately. The ones of the 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. Where originality still existed, where people consistently pushed the ear's boundaries and the world's limits. It seems like lately, especially in Christian music, there's nothing new. It's all the same, just repackaged in a different artist or resampled into a "live" version. While I seriously enjoy my Christian music and am to my core thankful for it, it's just, unoriginal. I know that corporate worship means just that corporate worship, where the chords need to be easily used around the world, and the melody lines precise yet "allowing of spontaneous worship". Seriously, the like's of Chris Tomlin, Paul Baloche, Lincoln Brewster, and Hillsong United have helped sustain me in my darkest hours. However the likes of Phil Keaggy, Jason Upton, Nate Sallie, and Family Force 5 are what moves me. They're people who push the intellectual boundaries and the spiritual levels up by multitudes with such great annointing from God. Just take a look at any of Jason Upton's lyrics and you'll see great uniqueness. Take a listen to Phil Keaggy's deliciously amazing guitar skills, you'll see His hands working through Phil's. You look at Family Force 5, who appeal across the boundaries of Christianity and the Secular with no abandon, bringing in the most devout of Christians, and the most devout of Atheists alike. Then you take Nate Sallie who's stylish vocal talent paired with his ability to be as "likeable" as Chris Tomlin stays just indie enough to get away with it while infusing a great multitude of genres.

Corporate has the ability to lead a congregation, not a revolution. Music's gotta reach into the heart of the individual for revolution to happen. Revolutionary music starts back from the beginning, heavy in melody and accompanying deep harmonies and unique twists on the simple. Make it unpredictable, make the lyrics scream at the listener to move to action. Change the face of the church.

iHEARTrevolution. Hillsong's next project title. Let's see just what it can bring to my table.

I thank God for music every day. I thank God I am alive enough to hear what I've heard. I am praying to God to let me live long enough to hear the final trumpet call descend from heaven with a roar of flames.

Genuine Love Affair

I'm becoming more and more aware of one great big thing.

My relationship with Jesus is a genuine love affair. It's hot, it's heavy, it's scandalous, it's deep, it's raw, it's powerful, and it's real. So real I sometimes swear I feel his breath hot on my shoulder giving me the encouragement to go forward. There are times when I've truly felt a hand wrap itself around mine and felt the wind carry the comfort of my Saviour through my hair. I love my Jesus. I used to think He was all warm and soft and gentle and sweet. Rapidly my Jesus is turning into a warrior drenched in His blood He sacrificed on the battle field for my name. He's turning into my wonderful lover who teaches me a little bit more each and every breath. He's turning into my Great Commander upon a stormy sea. I hear His name resound in my head. I exalt His name wherever there is room to be heard. He is not just a representation of Love. He is not just a representation of Life. HE IS LOVE. HE IS LIFE.

He is the single-most thing that I'm grateful for. I am so blessed by Him. I am so blessed He walks my path with me. I love the raw emotion. I love the sometimes-quiet, sometimes-loud desperation I am called to. I am in a genuine love affair with Jesus Christ. His sacrifice is always bringing me back to my knees in front of His cross.

He never has left me and I didn't know why I thought he did. He will never leave me and I don't know why I thought He Ever would. I love Jesus Christ.