After hours...

God and I had what I can only define as an "after hours" conversation last night. It happened within my dreams. I was already restless, but I went through so many things in my dreams I got confused, very very confused. So confused I woke myself up and dropped to my knees to seek an answer as to what I had just seen. Was it a vision? Perhaps. Was it prophecy? Maybe. Could it have been completely made up by my mind to mislead me? Probably. The thing is, what I saw, what I felt, what I experienced within that dream sequence I woke up feeling. I know that is weird, but I woke up feeling like I'd lived it...

Even though I have no idea what went on in those dreams. I don't remember. I don't remember...

With that said I was led to a song. With some of the most desperate lyrics I've ever heard. I know I'm always digging deeper into music, and experiencing new things, but there are very few songs that can bring me so much conviction...

BarlowGirl- I Need You To Love Me

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been...

---

I fear that as much as I run to God in ways, I run equally away in other ways. I don't know how to fully embrace the sacrifice. I don't know how to fully encounter the King. I don't know any more than the next theologian or the next homeless man on the street. All I know is my story, my life, and that He's always within it. I pretend that I'm holy, but really, I'm deep in sin. I have good days, and I have horrible ones. I just want His love in the end of it all. Salvation is right in front of me always, and I have to learn that. I have to come into contact with Him. I have to continue to develop a deeper relationship always...

2 Samuel 22:17-19

17 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

18 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

He rescues me. He rescued me. He will continue to save me. Why do I deny it?