I just spent four hours on the phone with the most beautiful, most wonderful, most spectacular person in the world. A friend that I haven't heard from in years. He and I traipsed our memories together and apart. He and I caught up on current life events, including the birth of his new baby girl Jordana Ashlee. He's raising this little girl all by himself because the mom has since passed on. He is moving back from Chicago sometime within the next few months. I think I would absolutely love that. This little girl has the best dad in the whole wide world. The way he talked about her is the way that I want my husband to praise our daughters and sons...
Anyways, the re-connection was incredible. He was nothing like I'd remembered him, but so much more. He found a faith in God. He found a love for life. He got the most wonderful little girl.
Anyways, it turned out to be a way late night, and I ate my way through a whole bag of Veggie Crisps, but I honestly don't care. It was probably one of the best phone conversations I've ever had with anyone. When he moves, I can't wait to be a part of his life, and little Jordana Ashlee.
Now, I go out in search of coffee and a sunrise. Even though I doubt the sun will peek through the clouds, but you know what? I'm alright with that. The sun kind of came out even in the darkest part of the night for me tonight.
God is good.
Saturday, August 30
Tuesday, August 26
After the Glow Has Faded
You know the glow I talk about. It's that glow of a brand new friendship. It's that glow of a wonderful new beginning. Eventually that glow fades and a comfortable perfection takes its place.
Well, lately, there's been this friendship in my life that this glow has yet to fade. It still feels like that first cup of coffee that we shared on that day deep in the heart of March. It still feels like that smile that we exchanged in the hallways of my church during a musician summit. With that though, it has also achieved that comfortable perfection that I have only shared with three other people ever in my life. This person has helped me open my eyes. Not just a little, but fully awake and aware...
I am so thankful God has blessed me so deeply. I am so thankful.
In other news, I've been praying to God a lot about my jealous heart that has recently come out. I have no reason to feel jealous about anything or anyone yet I find myself deeply jealous. It's not cute. I am not a fan of myself when I get like this. Join my battle? Be on my prayer team?
Well, lately, there's been this friendship in my life that this glow has yet to fade. It still feels like that first cup of coffee that we shared on that day deep in the heart of March. It still feels like that smile that we exchanged in the hallways of my church during a musician summit. With that though, it has also achieved that comfortable perfection that I have only shared with three other people ever in my life. This person has helped me open my eyes. Not just a little, but fully awake and aware...
I am so thankful God has blessed me so deeply. I am so thankful.
In other news, I've been praying to God a lot about my jealous heart that has recently come out. I have no reason to feel jealous about anything or anyone yet I find myself deeply jealous. It's not cute. I am not a fan of myself when I get like this. Join my battle? Be on my prayer team?
Sunday, August 24
Casting...
Okay. Are you ready? I am about to explain one of my most comically accurate anecdotes to you. Sit down, relax, it's potentially going to make you laugh or it is potentially going to make you think. Perhaps even both. Buckle up. Either way, it's going to be a ride.
If life was a musical, I would honestly be the stage. I know right? It's already a laugh. I say this because I have found out from more than one avenue that I am foundational. I don't play a part, I am the platform for where others gather their courage and shoot it out into this wide world. I don't construct the set, I am the rock that the scene takes place from. I am not in the sound booth, working the rigging, playing with the lights, or fine-tuning the finished product. I don't make the programs and I don't take up a seat in the audience (very often). I am the structure that all the fun revolves around. I don't create it, the actors do, but I maintain it and I believe I do a wonderful job doing so. I can recite every line of every song because I have been through the learning process with the actors. I know where each prop should be and when exactly it should be used. I know who's up there making the final product sparkle. I know who's in the audience, which ones are impressed, and which ones are looking for the exit. I am stability. I'm never failing. An actor can break character, a set can fall over, someone could miss a lighting cue, someone from the audience could heckle, but me, I'm firm, I'm strength, I sustain. I'm there for the actor to briefly look down at and collect their thoughts again. I'm there for the piece of set to fall down on and have something to catch it. I use the sounds and lights all around me to help emphasize the beauty in the acting and stage set up...
Not only do I get to see that play or that musical. I have seen every musical or play that has crossed my stage. I'm not a director who comes and goes with a better play. I'm not an actor who sees a bigger paycheck and flees. I'm not a set, I'm never changing. I may have been refinished, or a new coat of paint put on me, but I still see what has been and what is to come.
Don't get me wrong. Each role is integral to the success of a play, but I take a slight edge pride about mine. I get to see, I get to feel, I get to be a part of every show. I get to be the platform people use to launch their passionate journeys.
I am the stage. What role do you play?
If life was a musical, I would honestly be the stage. I know right? It's already a laugh. I say this because I have found out from more than one avenue that I am foundational. I don't play a part, I am the platform for where others gather their courage and shoot it out into this wide world. I don't construct the set, I am the rock that the scene takes place from. I am not in the sound booth, working the rigging, playing with the lights, or fine-tuning the finished product. I don't make the programs and I don't take up a seat in the audience (very often). I am the structure that all the fun revolves around. I don't create it, the actors do, but I maintain it and I believe I do a wonderful job doing so. I can recite every line of every song because I have been through the learning process with the actors. I know where each prop should be and when exactly it should be used. I know who's up there making the final product sparkle. I know who's in the audience, which ones are impressed, and which ones are looking for the exit. I am stability. I'm never failing. An actor can break character, a set can fall over, someone could miss a lighting cue, someone from the audience could heckle, but me, I'm firm, I'm strength, I sustain. I'm there for the actor to briefly look down at and collect their thoughts again. I'm there for the piece of set to fall down on and have something to catch it. I use the sounds and lights all around me to help emphasize the beauty in the acting and stage set up...
Not only do I get to see that play or that musical. I have seen every musical or play that has crossed my stage. I'm not a director who comes and goes with a better play. I'm not an actor who sees a bigger paycheck and flees. I'm not a set, I'm never changing. I may have been refinished, or a new coat of paint put on me, but I still see what has been and what is to come.
Don't get me wrong. Each role is integral to the success of a play, but I take a slight edge pride about mine. I get to see, I get to feel, I get to be a part of every show. I get to be the platform people use to launch their passionate journeys.
I am the stage. What role do you play?
defined by my criminal state-of-mind.
I will not be defined by my criminal state of mind.
I will not be defined by any social statistic.
I am who I am. I am not who you want me to be.
I will call you back, just to be nice.
I won't fall in love with you, just because that's what you want.
I won't.
I will break beyond the limits, into limitless.
I will wear my lip gloss and I will wear it with no shame.
I will.
So we had a great night, but that's where it ends.
I will not be defined by any social statistic.
I am who I am. I am not who you want me to be.
I will call you back, just to be nice.
I won't fall in love with you, just because that's what you want.
I won't.
I will break beyond the limits, into limitless.
I will wear my lip gloss and I will wear it with no shame.
I will.
So we had a great night, but that's where it ends.
Wednesday, August 20
Where you find yourself...
I never thought I'd admit this, but I feel at this time in my life that it has finally become time. If I hadn't been raised in the Snoqualmie Valley, I would never have really gotten to know myself. I know myself now because I spent many days in the summer sun or the fall rain with a cup of coffee and thought. I thought a lot. Not just the whimsical things, but the truly deep and poignant things. Often those thought processes started with questions. Deeply theological or psychological questions at that...
Anyways, I found myself there, but today over lunch with a friend I found another part of myself. I always knew there was a reason for why I care so much. That reason is stability. I had so much of it growing up, but a lot of people don't. I have a mom, and a dad. I have a mom and a dad who just celebrated twenty four years of marriage. I have a brother who loves me. I have a brother who is my whole world. I have never moved around. I have always had a really great close friend circle. I've been provided for. I've been loved continually. I've been so blessed...
Back to the point. People need stability as much as they need water I believe. It's part of the human structure. We need a certain level of stability in order to, well, maintain order. Without a little routine and a little steady pace, stress occurs, or the opposite occurs, laziness. The problem with society today is we're heavily programmed to be spontaneous and extremely flexible with the world around us. While that's just fine on a basic level (like making last minute Friday night plans), I think it's difficult to be expected to live on everyone else's schedules. That said, we all do that. We are all trying to be flexible all while the people around us are doing that same thing. Eventually the flexibility becomes stressful because there's no routine, there's no structure.
I am a firm believer in routine because it provides a core. It defines where and how we function at our best. That way we can take experiences that fall outside of that routine and see how they stack up with our best self, or our best effort. There's always a learning process...
Where do you need routine? Where do you need structure? Where are you lacking in follow through? What's keeping you from maintaining good habits?
Answer those questions and you might be surprised where you find yourself. I definitely was.
Tuesday, August 19
Let the rhythm get under your skin.
I seem to be in the world lately. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad at all, but I've definitely been doing things a little differently lately. Such as writing this song...
-- Rhythm Under Your Skin --
Boys looking fly, girls looking fine
Music's pumping, we're standing in line
A flash of a smile and we're inside
The beat is pulsating, my hips start to grind
I look at you looking at me,
I can see you're nervous
Take my hand, lead me to the floor
I'm gonna show you my world and so much more
Let the rhythm get under your skin
Let the rhythm really sink in
Don't be afraid to lose control
Get a little bit closer
Whisper deeply into my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear
Please be mine, just this one night.
Cameras are flashing, it's one in the morning
It's time to shut it down, time to get going
Where ever you lead, boy that's where I'll go
Until the sun rises, then no more
Take the rhythm, let it sink in
Take the rhythm, capture it within
Let the melody consume your soul
Listen to that bassline, it's calling...
-- Rhythm Under Your Skin --
Boys looking fly, girls looking fine
Music's pumping, we're standing in line
A flash of a smile and we're inside
The beat is pulsating, my hips start to grind
I look at you looking at me,
I can see you're nervous
Take my hand, lead me to the floor
I'm gonna show you my world and so much more
Let the rhythm get under your skin
Let the rhythm really sink in
Don't be afraid to lose control
Get a little bit closer
Whisper deeply into my ear
Tell me all the things that I wanna hear
Please be mine, just this one night.
Cameras are flashing, it's one in the morning
It's time to shut it down, time to get going
Where ever you lead, boy that's where I'll go
Until the sun rises, then no more
Take the rhythm, let it sink in
Take the rhythm, capture it within
Let the melody consume your soul
Listen to that bassline, it's calling...
Monday, August 18
When Something is Easy
If there's really such a thing as a self fulfilling prophecy, this is definitely one of them. Straight from the pages of one of my many old journals:
-- When Something is Easy --
January 18th, 2007
So, here it is, just into another new year. Eighteen days have gone by and as each one goes by and I feel like I fall a little bit further into something bigger than I can even comprehend. I know it's definitely Christ who is working within me, but I don't know why. He's setting me up for something great. I'm finding my eyes are opening up and I'm seeing things differently. I'm finding my perspective shift is a lot more drastic than I could imagine. I'm waking up with fresh dreams, not stale ones.
I definitely have my shortcomings but I know that I'm flawed because He wants me to be. I'm meant to find something that fixes the flaws, or fills the gaps. Let me tell you, whatever is coming, it's big. It's beyond just the slight earthquake deep in the heart. It's something comparable to a big tremor that shakes heart, soul, mind and body...
I'm being prepared to do great things. I'm being prepared to meet amazing people. I'm prepared to meet a core group of individuals who will help mold me into the successful person that I want to be. I'm going to be immersed in Christ in a whole new way soon. I am so exited for the pathway. It's going to be revolutionary.
That said, when something is easy, it's probably not worth the time. Now that's not to say don't try and succeed. I'm just saying the result will probably be less than desirable because you didn't have to work to be successful. You just had it handed to you. Whatever is on my horizon, I want to work for it. I want it to be something I cry, bleed, and sweat over. I want the challenge. I want a battle. I want to feel the fire on my cheeks. I want to feel like I just didn't get this handed to me like things have always been handed to me. I want to earn something for once in my life. I want it, and bad. Now, I just have to live up to the hype I'm setting for myself. I'm going to grab my vulnerabilities and race into the sunset and upon sunrise, wake up with a new purpose, a new vision, a new dream.
---
How's that for ridiculous?
-- When Something is Easy --
January 18th, 2007
So, here it is, just into another new year. Eighteen days have gone by and as each one goes by and I feel like I fall a little bit further into something bigger than I can even comprehend. I know it's definitely Christ who is working within me, but I don't know why. He's setting me up for something great. I'm finding my eyes are opening up and I'm seeing things differently. I'm finding my perspective shift is a lot more drastic than I could imagine. I'm waking up with fresh dreams, not stale ones.
I definitely have my shortcomings but I know that I'm flawed because He wants me to be. I'm meant to find something that fixes the flaws, or fills the gaps. Let me tell you, whatever is coming, it's big. It's beyond just the slight earthquake deep in the heart. It's something comparable to a big tremor that shakes heart, soul, mind and body...
I'm being prepared to do great things. I'm being prepared to meet amazing people. I'm prepared to meet a core group of individuals who will help mold me into the successful person that I want to be. I'm going to be immersed in Christ in a whole new way soon. I am so exited for the pathway. It's going to be revolutionary.
That said, when something is easy, it's probably not worth the time. Now that's not to say don't try and succeed. I'm just saying the result will probably be less than desirable because you didn't have to work to be successful. You just had it handed to you. Whatever is on my horizon, I want to work for it. I want it to be something I cry, bleed, and sweat over. I want the challenge. I want a battle. I want to feel the fire on my cheeks. I want to feel like I just didn't get this handed to me like things have always been handed to me. I want to earn something for once in my life. I want it, and bad. Now, I just have to live up to the hype I'm setting for myself. I'm going to grab my vulnerabilities and race into the sunset and upon sunrise, wake up with a new purpose, a new vision, a new dream.
---
How's that for ridiculous?
Believe.
believe. believe. believe.
I need to do this. I'm failing. I need to believe in my destiny. I need to harness the power of my dream. I am so beside myself right now. I wish I knew what the outcome was. Actually, no I don't. I just want to know the thought process on the other side at this exact moment. I want to feel the love that I hope is there. I want to know my loyalty isn't in vain. I want to have it reciprocated in a big way...
I think there's potentially some repressed feelings here. That's another essay for another day though.
I just need to believe. I need to believe that things will work themselves out.
I need to do this. I'm failing. I need to believe in my destiny. I need to harness the power of my dream. I am so beside myself right now. I wish I knew what the outcome was. Actually, no I don't. I just want to know the thought process on the other side at this exact moment. I want to feel the love that I hope is there. I want to know my loyalty isn't in vain. I want to have it reciprocated in a big way...
I think there's potentially some repressed feelings here. That's another essay for another day though.
I just need to believe. I need to believe that things will work themselves out.
Sunday, August 17
When you let jealousy invade...
I realized something today. Jealousy is stupid. Well, I knew that before. But what just happened today was absolutely entirely retarded. I wasn't just jealous (and believe me that is bad enough already), I was honestly and earnestly upset and disappointed and maybe even potentially angry. It's something I regret. After I gave my struggles and worries up to Him, I relaxed back into myself. I wish I could publicly speak out about the issue, but the thing is, I can't. It's just that lame. It's just that meaningless. It's just...
Oh how I wish I was actually important. How I wish it could be the way I want. How I wish I could really feel like I was a priority...
This is unfortunately the time of year when my depression surges, and it appears as if it's surging. This is extremely unfortunate. I'll make it out okay. I know I will.
Oh how I wish I was actually important. How I wish it could be the way I want. How I wish I could really feel like I was a priority...
This is unfortunately the time of year when my depression surges, and it appears as if it's surging. This is extremely unfortunate. I'll make it out okay. I know I will.
Saturday, August 16
Soaking in the Sun
Today was a perfect day. Spent with family, spent soaking in the sun. Spent just the way I wanted it. It's amazing how God hears what we have in our hearts and sends us into the situation we desire. It's equally amazing how much challenge I want in my personal life. I want to feel the heat of battle. I know I say this enough, too much in fact, but it's the truth.
Where's the fun in acquiring something with no work involved? Where's the sense of "Yes, I earned this!"? The celebration of achievement at that point becomes left behind...
I've had a whirlwind last few weeks, full of new and exciting challenges. Some in the sun, some in the inside of church walls, some while walking along the little alleyways in downtown Seattle. My mind has been really wrapping around structure again. My mind has finally landed on my causes. My mind is really engaging in these times of challenge.
There's so much this life has to offer and I really am excited for the day when I can say... "I earned this, I earned that, now let me pass it on." A lot of what I want is not really for me. It's for the people around me. It's for the many lives that I have and will impact. It's for the Kingdom. It's for the Son of the Father that I call God and Commander.
As I'm sitting here... I can't help but to think of the people who don't have dreams and mourn for them. My dreams are singularly the most important reasons I walk this earth. I have so much I want to get done for the Kingdom. I am His Daughter. I am in need of my Father. I need Him. I need His light. I need Him. It's all relative...
Anyways, I love you for reading this. I love you for being supportive. I love you for challenging me. I love you for you.
Where's the fun in acquiring something with no work involved? Where's the sense of "Yes, I earned this!"? The celebration of achievement at that point becomes left behind...
I've had a whirlwind last few weeks, full of new and exciting challenges. Some in the sun, some in the inside of church walls, some while walking along the little alleyways in downtown Seattle. My mind has been really wrapping around structure again. My mind has finally landed on my causes. My mind is really engaging in these times of challenge.
There's so much this life has to offer and I really am excited for the day when I can say... "I earned this, I earned that, now let me pass it on." A lot of what I want is not really for me. It's for the people around me. It's for the many lives that I have and will impact. It's for the Kingdom. It's for the Son of the Father that I call God and Commander.
As I'm sitting here... I can't help but to think of the people who don't have dreams and mourn for them. My dreams are singularly the most important reasons I walk this earth. I have so much I want to get done for the Kingdom. I am His Daughter. I am in need of my Father. I need Him. I need His light. I need Him. It's all relative...
Anyways, I love you for reading this. I love you for being supportive. I love you for challenging me. I love you for you.
Monday, August 11
tensions rising, heart palpitating
Girl:
Look at you, looking at me. In those eyes, a brazen reality has been made known to me. I keep fighting for your love, but you don't have any to give. Look at you, tensions rising, baby, can't you see it? Look at me, heart palpitating, palms sweaty, knees weak, head is heavy. The strange thing is we're locked in on radar. Two missiles, one target. Mine seems to be going a little quicker, perhaps to a target made up in my mind. Your missile seems to determined to wait, take it slow. I don't understand. What we have is reality baby...
Boy:
Hey girl, don't you see, you need to step up, step off, step back, step to me. Baby, I need you, want you, hate you, love you. The way your skin feels on mine, I can't help but want more and more, but the way you play with my mind has me screaming NO. Touch my lips with your fingertips, just one more time. Let your inhibitions free. I'm just here to have a good time, but could it be that you are for life? I don't know what's happening to me. I just need space...
Girl:
Come on, what are you waiting for? The perfect time to not walk through that door? Right now we're in your court baby, the next move is yours. Yes, that's it, graze my thigh just one more time. Unleash the fire inside. I want you to feel like I feel. I want you to love like I love. I want you like I know you want me. So let's just stop this blatant hypocrisy...
Boy:
Damn girl, you played the card and you played it well. All I know is I wanna know where this is going but I think we've already gone too far. The lights in this place dim, and the heat between us rises, rises, hits the ceiling. Bodies all around, but the only one I'm focused in on is yours. You stare at me, your eyes calling me, begging me. But my mind's pulling me back...
Girl:
There you go, doing your stupid circles again. Dance up on me. Make me feel the temperature rise in this place. The lights are flashing, the beat is addictive, the liquor is free-flowing, come on now, take me on a ride. I know you want to, you know you want me. I take your hand, and pull it away. I can't describe my own denial inside...
Boy:
We just got close again, we just got close again. Just a little bit closer, because I can't breathe without you near me. I love the way you look at me. I take your hand, you pull it away. So close, so far, I just want to be in your heart completely. Girl can't you see, no matter how stupid I am, I've fallen for you entirely. Kiss me with those perfectly glossed lips just one more time. Our bodies aligned with the rhythm of the music. Our hearts aligned with the same beat...
Girl:
I can't believe it, I've given in. One hundred percent, you've locked me in. You lead me to the center of the floor. Baby, it's just the two of us in this crowded room. Pulsating rhythms, liquid seduction in both of our veins. Dip me low, low, lower. Grind me harder, faster, stronger. I want to feel our bodies dripping, sweating...
Boy:
My body's loving what you're serving. Girl, hypnotic, that's what you are...
Girl/Boy:
Faded to black, commercial break, this is where the censor comes in...
Look at you, looking at me. In those eyes, a brazen reality has been made known to me. I keep fighting for your love, but you don't have any to give. Look at you, tensions rising, baby, can't you see it? Look at me, heart palpitating, palms sweaty, knees weak, head is heavy. The strange thing is we're locked in on radar. Two missiles, one target. Mine seems to be going a little quicker, perhaps to a target made up in my mind. Your missile seems to determined to wait, take it slow. I don't understand. What we have is reality baby...
Boy:
Hey girl, don't you see, you need to step up, step off, step back, step to me. Baby, I need you, want you, hate you, love you. The way your skin feels on mine, I can't help but want more and more, but the way you play with my mind has me screaming NO. Touch my lips with your fingertips, just one more time. Let your inhibitions free. I'm just here to have a good time, but could it be that you are for life? I don't know what's happening to me. I just need space...
Girl:
Come on, what are you waiting for? The perfect time to not walk through that door? Right now we're in your court baby, the next move is yours. Yes, that's it, graze my thigh just one more time. Unleash the fire inside. I want you to feel like I feel. I want you to love like I love. I want you like I know you want me. So let's just stop this blatant hypocrisy...
Boy:
Damn girl, you played the card and you played it well. All I know is I wanna know where this is going but I think we've already gone too far. The lights in this place dim, and the heat between us rises, rises, hits the ceiling. Bodies all around, but the only one I'm focused in on is yours. You stare at me, your eyes calling me, begging me. But my mind's pulling me back...
Girl:
There you go, doing your stupid circles again. Dance up on me. Make me feel the temperature rise in this place. The lights are flashing, the beat is addictive, the liquor is free-flowing, come on now, take me on a ride. I know you want to, you know you want me. I take your hand, and pull it away. I can't describe my own denial inside...
Boy:
We just got close again, we just got close again. Just a little bit closer, because I can't breathe without you near me. I love the way you look at me. I take your hand, you pull it away. So close, so far, I just want to be in your heart completely. Girl can't you see, no matter how stupid I am, I've fallen for you entirely. Kiss me with those perfectly glossed lips just one more time. Our bodies aligned with the rhythm of the music. Our hearts aligned with the same beat...
Girl:
I can't believe it, I've given in. One hundred percent, you've locked me in. You lead me to the center of the floor. Baby, it's just the two of us in this crowded room. Pulsating rhythms, liquid seduction in both of our veins. Dip me low, low, lower. Grind me harder, faster, stronger. I want to feel our bodies dripping, sweating...
Boy:
My body's loving what you're serving. Girl, hypnotic, that's what you are...
Girl/Boy:
Faded to black, commercial break, this is where the censor comes in...
Sunday, August 10
Orange Julius
It was a few days ago now, but I had one of the best days of my recent memory on Friday. I had beautiful wake up to sun rays beaming through the window, I grabbed my favorite cup of coffee in on the way to work, work went absolutely flawlessly, I got home and took a nap, then proceeded to take a wonderful shower, and then the real beauty of the day happened...
I got in my car, proceeded down the interstate 405 and ended up at Bell Square. Waiting for me was Andrew. We proceeded to have a beautiful dinner. We then walked around the mall. For the first time in what seems like years, there was no drama involved. It was just two people who happen to be friends and business partners sipping on Orange Julius, laughing and creating memories. I can't even recall the last time that I had a conversation with a friend that didn't involve any drama.
I'm so thankful for that. To the core of my being grateful. I needed that night more than I realized. I need nights like those more than I realize. I just need drama-free routine. That's it.
I got in my car, proceeded down the interstate 405 and ended up at Bell Square. Waiting for me was Andrew. We proceeded to have a beautiful dinner. We then walked around the mall. For the first time in what seems like years, there was no drama involved. It was just two people who happen to be friends and business partners sipping on Orange Julius, laughing and creating memories. I can't even recall the last time that I had a conversation with a friend that didn't involve any drama.
I'm so thankful for that. To the core of my being grateful. I needed that night more than I realized. I need nights like those more than I realize. I just need drama-free routine. That's it.
Friday, August 8
the sunset
the sunset turns to fire/ competing with the tides of hell
whoever will win this battle/ time will surely tell
rage on mother earth/ reveal your darkest demons to me
for with the One above/ i will take them all from thee
destroy these demons i will/ because with Him i have the power
i can see you from up on high/ in my God-protected tower
the thunder pounds like fists/ the lightning glints like steel
the forests are ablaze/ with the heat i can not feel
the rivers start to flood/ their banks becoming weak
the earth strongly shakes/ but you still think i am meek
what is now happening/ the sunset returning to calm
the heat you've sent to me/ i crush it in my palm
are you giving up/ or even giving in
realizing what i am/ and that is stronger than your sin
wait what is this i see/ the clouds disappearing
i am no longer seeing flashes/ thunder i am not hearing
the fires are subsiding/ i see you begin to fall
you've fought so hard so long/ in your strain you begin to crawl
the river banks are seen once again/ you now realizing who is stronger
the ground beneath me halts/ here i am still standing in God's armor
I have beat your games/ Seen your fiery lair
I know I played it well/ so don't go saying that it is not fair
but i take no credit/ for the greater One is most deserving
he is up there in the heavens/ reveling in my courageous serving
and here on earth i dance/ dance with pride and joy
for i have learned a lesson/ i am not just a toy
from this day on to ease the darkness/ i will transform into a beaming torch
Light the way i will/ to the Father in Heavens porch
it took me perseverance/ it took me strength of 10,000 feet
but without the Lord Almighty/ I may as well be lying in defeat
whoever will win this battle/ time will surely tell
rage on mother earth/ reveal your darkest demons to me
for with the One above/ i will take them all from thee
destroy these demons i will/ because with Him i have the power
i can see you from up on high/ in my God-protected tower
the thunder pounds like fists/ the lightning glints like steel
the forests are ablaze/ with the heat i can not feel
the rivers start to flood/ their banks becoming weak
the earth strongly shakes/ but you still think i am meek
what is now happening/ the sunset returning to calm
the heat you've sent to me/ i crush it in my palm
are you giving up/ or even giving in
realizing what i am/ and that is stronger than your sin
wait what is this i see/ the clouds disappearing
i am no longer seeing flashes/ thunder i am not hearing
the fires are subsiding/ i see you begin to fall
you've fought so hard so long/ in your strain you begin to crawl
the river banks are seen once again/ you now realizing who is stronger
the ground beneath me halts/ here i am still standing in God's armor
I have beat your games/ Seen your fiery lair
I know I played it well/ so don't go saying that it is not fair
but i take no credit/ for the greater One is most deserving
he is up there in the heavens/ reveling in my courageous serving
and here on earth i dance/ dance with pride and joy
for i have learned a lesson/ i am not just a toy
from this day on to ease the darkness/ i will transform into a beaming torch
Light the way i will/ to the Father in Heavens porch
it took me perseverance/ it took me strength of 10,000 feet
but without the Lord Almighty/ I may as well be lying in defeat
Monday, August 4
The Airport
You know what? I adore the airport. In all facets. I love watching reunions of separated soldiers and their families. I cry when I see a dad or mom leave their kids behind for an extended business trip...
I've been blessed to go on one trip this year so far. I went to Denver. That trip was laced in memories, both remembered and created. It's the first trip I've really taken on my own, and my goodness, it was exceptional. Minus the slightly confusing layout of Denver's airport, I had the best twenty-four hours...
Anyways, back to the airport life. I love getting up early to get there. I love the drive to the airport. It's about an hour, with no traffic, about twenty minutes longer with traffic. In that hour I pray that God guides my trip and places His wings on top of the wings on the plane. I shout His name to the music I'm listening to. I embrace the gorgeous sunrise that I get to witness. I get centered. I get prepared for the journey to teach me some new intricacy of life that I hadn't yet been exposed to.
I don't really know where this is going, other than the fact that I really want to fly again soon. Not even soon, I just want to fly frequently. I don't think I could ever get sick of flying. I should really become a flight attendant. That way I could at least be productive on flights. Well, reading God's Word is definitely important, but I want to contribute to the lives of others if at all possible...
I should really become a flight attendant. That may be the first time I've ever said that, or even thought that for that matter. Yet, somehow my heart really responds to that. How infinitely strange. Maybe I should investigate that possibility. I mean I would fly to many places for a living. I would constantly be interacting with people. I would be in a close-knit community of fellow flight attendants. It would be a great environment. I know it takes a certain mental edge and a lot of training but if I go at it with enough passion it could happen. Maybe I'll investigate the possibility...
I really am fascinated by airport. In fact, now that I really think about it, I want to incorporate myself into it. It seems like tonight has been a revelation.
I've been blessed to go on one trip this year so far. I went to Denver. That trip was laced in memories, both remembered and created. It's the first trip I've really taken on my own, and my goodness, it was exceptional. Minus the slightly confusing layout of Denver's airport, I had the best twenty-four hours...
Anyways, back to the airport life. I love getting up early to get there. I love the drive to the airport. It's about an hour, with no traffic, about twenty minutes longer with traffic. In that hour I pray that God guides my trip and places His wings on top of the wings on the plane. I shout His name to the music I'm listening to. I embrace the gorgeous sunrise that I get to witness. I get centered. I get prepared for the journey to teach me some new intricacy of life that I hadn't yet been exposed to.
I don't really know where this is going, other than the fact that I really want to fly again soon. Not even soon, I just want to fly frequently. I don't think I could ever get sick of flying. I should really become a flight attendant. That way I could at least be productive on flights. Well, reading God's Word is definitely important, but I want to contribute to the lives of others if at all possible...
I should really become a flight attendant. That may be the first time I've ever said that, or even thought that for that matter. Yet, somehow my heart really responds to that. How infinitely strange. Maybe I should investigate that possibility. I mean I would fly to many places for a living. I would constantly be interacting with people. I would be in a close-knit community of fellow flight attendants. It would be a great environment. I know it takes a certain mental edge and a lot of training but if I go at it with enough passion it could happen. Maybe I'll investigate the possibility...
I really am fascinated by airport. In fact, now that I really think about it, I want to incorporate myself into it. It seems like tonight has been a revelation.
Sunday, August 3
Lessons aren't necessarily big...
Lessons aren't necessarily these big grand slaps in the face. In fact some of the lessons that I'm learning lately are so subtle that they didn't exactly make themselves well known until after I'd learned them. I think that the biggest lesson that I'm learning right now is the lesson of negativity.
Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...
Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...
Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.
There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...
Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...
I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.
As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.
Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...
Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...
Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.
There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...
Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...
I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.
As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.
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