Being Humbled...

As I was driving along today I got humbled. Not just the surface humbled, but the full on body-shaking, core-stumbling humbled. There's this homeless guy who I've seen standing on the same corner for almost a year now. Now, I don't know if he's actually homeless or just bumming money for cigarrettes and booze, but something hit me today. Hard. God looked me straight in the rearview mirror and said "Swallow that pride of yours and give this guy a chance." So, I did. I took out what I thought was an appropriate amount of money and rolled my window down and gave it to him. He was genuinely thankful. I was humbled. I have given to a homeless person before, but never have I been god-sent to give like I was here. I cried after I gave it to him. I cried hard enough I thought I should have pulled over, but I didn't. Now, I don't know where his money goes at night, but that's not my concern. That is God's and God will alone to convict him. God alone convicts me. That's how it goes. We can choose to follow that conviction or rebel against it. I have never felt more blessed.

It's kind of interesting really. While I most likely would have wasted that money, and the chances are high he will as well, it doesn't really matter whose hands it was in does it? Think about that next time you decide to reject a person's outstretched hand. Where is that dollar of change really going to go? Could that dollar or five dollars been that persons honest "fresh start?" Would you be so selfish to deny them that for a pack of gum or a cup of coffee? I'm learning not to hold on to money. Why? Because it's His money, not mine. He will use it as He sees fit. I'm not one to judge.

I've also been tithing on a regular basis. That in itself is an interesting experience for me. It's already shown fruit and I only hope to continue to see this growth within me.

I am a changing Christian, and God is preparing me to shock His Kingdom for a great cause. I am so blessed.

There's always a silver lining,

Yeah, there's always a silver lining. It's pretty much comes up when you least expect it, but it's always there. Just waiting to be found. However, the beauty of the silver lining laying within God is that it's always the sweetest silver lining ever.

I visited my old youth group for the first time since I left high school in Duvall and it was a revelating and beautiful and it was full of grace. What I once declared an "unwell" church group was full of life. They are doing a mighty work at SoulFire and I had no idea the growth that I would encounter. We had such a great experience with God. I was carried to the table, and I was convicted to do many things that I've either been denying or that I had no idea I needed to do at all.

I was so gifted with the youth today. So gifted. I knew I was being called back. I knew there was a reason that I was being called back. I now know why. It's so I can start preparing for how youth function. How they learn. How a youth ministry is effective. How they're not. I am facing the biggest challenge of my life, going out and ministering, but I can prepare myself. The biggest way that I'm preparing myself is getting biblically sound. Meaning, I'm basically in the process of memorizing as much of the Bible that I can.

I love my life. Pure and simple, even when it's a cloudy day, there's always a silver lining.

On the road...

I'm on the road to a brand new "real" me. It feels amazing. I am fully prepared to be the person God wanted me to be and I am so thankful for the two people who really spoke into that. The first person being a beautiful and amazing person. She's strong, she's absolutely gorgeous, and she's one of my favorite people in the entire world. I don't even know where she came from, but she was sent to me by divine appointment. The other person is my pastor. He is strong and sweet, protecting and charismatic. Even though the sermon this past Sunday didn't directly reference the situation that I'm in, God definitely spoke to me on my faults. He is speaking volumes upon volumes. I am so blessed to have people in my life who will call me out and call me forward. I know that whatever journey I may be facing is going to be long and it's going to be extrememly spiritually challenging, but with the support I have in my life, and the love of a Father and a Saviour, I will be fine. I just need to pray, and remember to stay in the Light this time. No straying, no hesitating. I am me; uniquely, wholly, and wonderfully made. I need to embrace it. I need to run with it.

I am nothing.

I just realized that today. But not in the sense that you would think. I am nothing. I mean things to people, I mean things to God. But I've locked up my real gifts so deeply within me I have no idea where to begin unraveling the string that ties the package together. It took a conversation from a surprising person on a hot night on a set of stairs. It was amazing. Now, I must begin that process, because quite frankly I love what I am deep within my core. I am beautiful. I am unique. I am made by the Creator of the universe. I should be embracing that beauty and the skills that I have been so graciously given. I am ready to begin my transformation.

Make the reconnect.

An old best friend has reappeared back into my life, and things are like they used to be. My Adonai has answered a huge prayer. Life is wonderful.

I wanna be in the light.

As quoted from Charlie Peacock's "In The Light"...

I wanna be in the light as you are in the light,
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens,
Lord be my light and my salvation,
All I want is to be in the light of love,
All I want is to be in the light.
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The light is shining in my face. I can see it, I know it's there, but I just want to feel it caress my face, to whisper into my ear.

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That being said, I am in dire need of a little bit of relaxation. To refocus and recreate my gameplan on life. It's time I care for myself instead of others for just a little bit. I'm tired, I'm spiritually cold, and I'm sad because of that. I'm ready to be whole. I've expressed it many times before. I am so ready to be back on fire.

Leaving what I knew...

After several hours of deep thinking I did last night I've come to this conclusion in my pursuit of Christ. I need to leave what I knew, and be completely ready for the unknown. I've come to this conclusion because I realized that if God's Kingdom ever gets predicatable then I'm living in it wrong. I'm tired of having that be a real possibility. I still love Overlake, I'll never leave Overlake, but I need a deep revolution within my soul.

A deep revolution. One that I can feel. Which is strange, because I feel like it's coming. However, the harder I run, the harder I'll fall. The harder the fall, the harder that I'll go to the altar.

Love is a beautiful thing. It's even more beautiful when you realize and keep in mind that Jesus is involved.

All Slow Down.

Reminding myself to breathe.
To slow on down.

His word is eternal on my heart.
Why do I rush on and forget His faithfulness?

Why am I lost without reason?
Why is the fire that once burned, simmered to nothing but a flicker?

I want it back. I want the realization that I was wonderfully made to resound deeply within me again. I'm tired of yearning, when He's been there all along.

I fall on my face in His presence, seeking the fire in which I used to have.

I love you Saviour God. I dream for You. I truly am lost in this cluttered world without you. I know you have me. I know I need you know. More than ever.

A Shattered Case of Misconceptions.

I'm sorry if I ever misjudged you.
Even more so, I'm sorry if I ever put up a wall to lead you down those judgements.

The thing is, I am me. The thing is, you are you.
Why the hell did I play the Queen when I should have played the fool.

For me a poetic license hides truth. Or does it reveal inconsistencies of my own or yours?
Drenched in sweat, plagued in fear.
Will you figure me out? Will I figure you out?
Will I figure me out?

Baited breath, I sit in the sun.
The smell of coffee, and raspberries flood my senses.
The resolve of love, loss, gratitude, grief fill my eyes.
How I enjoy the sun.

A shattered case of misconceptions.
A table filled with immaculate mysteries.
I'm so sorry, I misjudged you.
You, forgiven. You misjudged me.

I have a burning questions. Ones so deeply within.
What if what I wanted was the plate-glass misconception?
What if the person I really am isn't the one you really wanted?

We both lay down in the velvet depth of night.
We're both just a shattered box of misconceptions.