From the vault: November 18th, 2008
--
Today has become a monumental day. With the sunrise I forgave two people we have burned me. The first person I forgave was, well, myself. I forgave myself for letting his words come so easily, for letting his actions so deeply control mine, for waiting on the text message or phone call that never came, for letting myself fall in love with someone who isn't reciprocating it back at all.
Then, I forgave him for leading me on and for intentionally playing cards he knew it was not okay to play.
That said, it was not his fault that I fell in love, but it is his fault for not doing a better job to protect my heart. I would not think that anybody could see me devotion, but the one person who I wanted so badly to see it, did not.
I do not get why some days are so good with him but some days are so, so, so bad. So bad that I do not even want to be associated with him, but that is the problem. Slowly, people have started assuming that we are inseparable and it does not help that I think about him, still, every other minute of the day.
Now that I am moving forward and leaving my association with him, a new, vastly different pain has emerged from within the deepest parts of my soul. That pain being the pain of saying... goodbye.
Friday, January 29
Friday, January 15
Claiming to be a Jesus Loving Crew, but lacking the follow-through.
It's the early morning, just before sunrise and all I can think of is lost Love's surprises on this generation. The one that's staring me straight in the face with hearts full of ache and eyes straining for a hope they don't think don't deserve, but that they've earned without even knowing it. That's when I remember this:
He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.
We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.
Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?
Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?
Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?
I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.
Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of my own life. God, I don't even know where to start. Let's just say the 'hypocrite' is deeply rooted in me. Now is the time to start that revolution.
He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.
We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.
Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?
Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?
Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?
I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.
Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of my own life. God, I don't even know where to start. Let's just say the 'hypocrite' is deeply rooted in me. Now is the time to start that revolution.
March to You
I'm gonna march to You on bended knee
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You take tears from unbelievers into Your palm
You take fears from the saints into your realm
Most of all, You put the me in me, and
More and more, I begin to fall...
For Your Kingdom, For Your Glory,
For Your Wisdom, For Your Revival,
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes...
I'm gonna march to You on bended knee
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout Your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You place Your Intellect in questioning skeptics
You reveal Your Peace, even in this world so hectic
Most of all, You put the You in unique,
We're all just a brilliant rendition of Your technique
And I begin to fall...
For Your People, For Your Love Divine
For Your Many Steeples, For the way Your stars shine
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes,
I'm gonna spread Your Word to all who can't read
I'm gonna take Your Love to the streets
I'm gonna live in Your Grace to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You take tears from unbelievers into Your palm
You take fears from the saints into your realm
Most of all, You put the me in me, and
More and more, I begin to fall...
For Your Kingdom, For Your Glory,
For Your Wisdom, For Your Revival,
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes...
I'm gonna march to You on bended knee
I'm gonna fall facedown towards the sky
I'm gonna shout Your Praise to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
You place Your Intellect in questioning skeptics
You reveal Your Peace, even in this world so hectic
Most of all, You put the You in unique,
We're all just a brilliant rendition of Your technique
And I begin to fall...
For Your People, For Your Love Divine
For Your Many Steeples, For the way Your stars shine
and that's why I'm gonna... oh yes,
I'm gonna spread Your Word to all who can't read
I'm gonna take Your Love to the streets
I'm gonna live in Your Grace to the end of days
Because You are the Way always
Wednesday, January 13
Absorption vs. Saturation
I was thinking about this concept the other day and I was stunned to see the deep theological importance of the two very scientific terms.
So here it is. Absorption is the concept of something fluid being temporarily absorbed by something. Let's use a sponge as an example. So, you clean up the spaghetti sauce on the counter with it. Now I suppose you could let it sit inside that sponge for a long time, you know, to mold and get all gross. Eventually however, you're going to want to rinse out that sponge. Case in point, even what you think gets absorbed into the sponge, gets washed out.
Now, let's look at saturation. The word is saturate. To be completely and totally full of one thing. If something is saturated, that means that there's no where for anything else to fit inside of it. Much like a towel that gets dumped into a bucket. Now, some people think that's absorption but here is where it's different. The spaghetti sauce just fills some space. The water has run out of space so the only place it has to go is drip away from the already saturated towel. It's run out of space to fill.
This is what a Christian walk should look like. We shouldn't strive for a temporary absorption that so much of the world is based upon today. The rinsing of that sponge represents the new start that happens every time repentance happens. We must look to saturate ourselves so fully that we cry Bible verses, that praying comes before eating, that laughing and loving are more important than hating, that we live to find every little hole in our beings and fill it with the Glory of God.
I could go on, but I think I've pretty much nailed it. So, come on, let's get saturated baby.
So here it is. Absorption is the concept of something fluid being temporarily absorbed by something. Let's use a sponge as an example. So, you clean up the spaghetti sauce on the counter with it. Now I suppose you could let it sit inside that sponge for a long time, you know, to mold and get all gross. Eventually however, you're going to want to rinse out that sponge. Case in point, even what you think gets absorbed into the sponge, gets washed out.
Now, let's look at saturation. The word is saturate. To be completely and totally full of one thing. If something is saturated, that means that there's no where for anything else to fit inside of it. Much like a towel that gets dumped into a bucket. Now, some people think that's absorption but here is where it's different. The spaghetti sauce just fills some space. The water has run out of space so the only place it has to go is drip away from the already saturated towel. It's run out of space to fill.
This is what a Christian walk should look like. We shouldn't strive for a temporary absorption that so much of the world is based upon today. The rinsing of that sponge represents the new start that happens every time repentance happens. We must look to saturate ourselves so fully that we cry Bible verses, that praying comes before eating, that laughing and loving are more important than hating, that we live to find every little hole in our beings and fill it with the Glory of God.
I could go on, but I think I've pretty much nailed it. So, come on, let's get saturated baby.
World of Plastic.
Written the 17th of January in the year of 2008. Still startlingly relevant two years later.
--
t doesn't get more real or more blunt that that. Sorry folks, I really just don't think that it is cool. I have truly decided that we live in a world of plastic. We live in a world where having clear skin means more than having a clean conscience. We live in a world where bigger assets (money, physical attributes, place in society) mean more than actually having a relationship based upon a deep love.
Plastic. It's so overrated once you know the beauty and the glory that is named God. After the day I was saved things were so much more whole in my life. I didn't have to worry about things. I could let me be me. Most importantly, I have someone who's always going to be there when I screw up. Sadly, that's more often than I'd like to admit. Joyfully, I know that each time I do, my savior is right there and He is ready to help me pick up the pieces and start walking again.
I'll agree, it's not an easy world to live in. On the other side, I believe that society has gone to new lows. New, depressing, sad, tragic lows. Worse? It's socially acceptable to get married, and then get divorced all within the same year. It's socially acceptable to sleep with more than one person. It's socially acceptable to get wasted every single night. It's socially acceptable that anti-religious people fight and win everything they challenge and when a religious person challenges them, they lose and quickly. It's socially acceptable to bash the name of God, yet when His people come to His defense, they get sidelined.
I'm not clean, I'll never be, but that doesn't stop me from trying to live as clean and wholesome a life as possible. But seriously, wake up America, this little game of superficial desires and fake relationships which end in two household families trying to "make it work for the kids" doesn't need to happen and it's crazy that it does.
You don't fall in love with someone and the fall out of love with them. God doesn't work like that. Now that's a biblical lesson worth reading again.
Don't be plastic when there's treasures untold just waiting for you.
--
t doesn't get more real or more blunt that that. Sorry folks, I really just don't think that it is cool. I have truly decided that we live in a world of plastic. We live in a world where having clear skin means more than having a clean conscience. We live in a world where bigger assets (money, physical attributes, place in society) mean more than actually having a relationship based upon a deep love.
Plastic. It's so overrated once you know the beauty and the glory that is named God. After the day I was saved things were so much more whole in my life. I didn't have to worry about things. I could let me be me. Most importantly, I have someone who's always going to be there when I screw up. Sadly, that's more often than I'd like to admit. Joyfully, I know that each time I do, my savior is right there and He is ready to help me pick up the pieces and start walking again.
I'll agree, it's not an easy world to live in. On the other side, I believe that society has gone to new lows. New, depressing, sad, tragic lows. Worse? It's socially acceptable to get married, and then get divorced all within the same year. It's socially acceptable to sleep with more than one person. It's socially acceptable to get wasted every single night. It's socially acceptable that anti-religious people fight and win everything they challenge and when a religious person challenges them, they lose and quickly. It's socially acceptable to bash the name of God, yet when His people come to His defense, they get sidelined.
I'm not clean, I'll never be, but that doesn't stop me from trying to live as clean and wholesome a life as possible. But seriously, wake up America, this little game of superficial desires and fake relationships which end in two household families trying to "make it work for the kids" doesn't need to happen and it's crazy that it does.
You don't fall in love with someone and the fall out of love with them. God doesn't work like that. Now that's a biblical lesson worth reading again.
Don't be plastic when there's treasures untold just waiting for you.
Zephaniah 3:17
Zephaniah 3:17 contains some of the most poetic and resonating words in Scripture in my opinion and my personal walk. The passage reads like this in the New International Version.
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
It doesn't get any more awesome than this. Well, He always finds a way to surprise me, but it is as beautiful to my ears as a perfect symphony. He is always with us, in every valley, on every mountain-top, in every flood, in every drought. He makes no move to leave.
On another subject, I mistyped a word I had written earlier today. The word was "relationships" but I accidentally typed "realationships." It got me thinking. I then questions. What does a "Real"ationship look like? I think it looks something like a chocolate cake with a touch of icing and a slightly imperfect filling that throws off the taste just a little amount. You see, it's got the superficial layer, it's got the depth layer, and it's got the secret layer. It represents the three levels of friendship. The acquaintance level, the friend level, and the best friend level. If you get to the middle layer you know more about them than their job and the car they drive. And if you get to that innermost layer, you've entered the world where the fault lie. Trust has been established. Secrets have been told. REAL has happened. It's actually wonderfully constructed. The social wiring God has designed in us. Go into your own circles and see just what I'm talking about. Find your healthy balance. Each of us has a different one of those. But all of us are wired to be together in fellowship and friendship with others.
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
It doesn't get any more awesome than this. Well, He always finds a way to surprise me, but it is as beautiful to my ears as a perfect symphony. He is always with us, in every valley, on every mountain-top, in every flood, in every drought. He makes no move to leave.
On another subject, I mistyped a word I had written earlier today. The word was "relationships" but I accidentally typed "realationships." It got me thinking. I then questions. What does a "Real"ationship look like? I think it looks something like a chocolate cake with a touch of icing and a slightly imperfect filling that throws off the taste just a little amount. You see, it's got the superficial layer, it's got the depth layer, and it's got the secret layer. It represents the three levels of friendship. The acquaintance level, the friend level, and the best friend level. If you get to the middle layer you know more about them than their job and the car they drive. And if you get to that innermost layer, you've entered the world where the fault lie. Trust has been established. Secrets have been told. REAL has happened. It's actually wonderfully constructed. The social wiring God has designed in us. Go into your own circles and see just what I'm talking about. Find your healthy balance. Each of us has a different one of those. But all of us are wired to be together in fellowship and friendship with others.
Trying to fit in... and not doing it.
I've noticed a painful reality about the generation I live in, you know, the eighteen through twenty-five year olds that are currently walking around the United States of America. On some level we're all begging to fit in, desperately clinging to that new fad, or that new band, or that new hairstyle in hopes that by doing that, somehow, just somehow, we'll fit in. You know what's funny? By trying so hard to fit in, they stand out, like sore thumbs. Instead of actually being passionate about their new phone, or that particular artists music, or that hairspray they use for that up'do, they're passionate based upon their level of acceptance. Instead of embracing the beauty of whatever it is, they've sunken to a new materialistic low. Quite frankly, it drives people away, far away, because they're busy saturating their lives with Cobra Starship or the Pussycat Dolls just because they think it'll get them into the popular crowd. They think taking shots on a darkened dance floor will lead them to feeling included, but when that bar tab arrives the reality sinks in that they just spent a whole lot of money trying to impress instead of really finding that acceptance. I can't believe I did it too... It makes me sick... I'm moving on though. I've got a lot of life to live, and dwelling on failed acceptance, isn't going to get me anywhere.
Sunday, January 10
One, Two, Three...
Don't stop...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three.
Let's make this our territory...
I can't ever be with you in reality
But take over my dreams...
I see you looking at me,
The beat of the music has me getting physical
I leave the club, vision of you still lingering
Don't stop...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three...
Race home to my bed, I lay my head down
Fall asleep into alternative reality
It's 3 am, I wake up screaming
Clutching the sheets, begging for release
Gotta see you just one more time
But I know if I do, I'm gonna cross the line
Don't stop, I know it's just a dream!
Don't stop, kiss, touch, one, two, three!
Take it to the limit, push my inhibitions...
I wanna feel you in the room
Close my eyes, just one more time...
Seeking what's wrong but feels so right
Living in sin can't be my new thing...
Cold sweat grips my body, I've got a fever
Just don't stop... don't stop...
One, two, three.
Hot breath on my neck...
You're one nightmare I don't wanna wake up from...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three.
Let's make this our territory...
I can't ever be with you in reality
But take over my dreams...
I see you looking at me,
The beat of the music has me getting physical
I leave the club, vision of you still lingering
Don't stop...
I know it's just a dream...
Don't stop...
Kiss, touch,
One, two, three...
Race home to my bed, I lay my head down
Fall asleep into alternative reality
It's 3 am, I wake up screaming
Clutching the sheets, begging for release
Gotta see you just one more time
But I know if I do, I'm gonna cross the line
Don't stop, I know it's just a dream!
Don't stop, kiss, touch, one, two, three!
Take it to the limit, push my inhibitions...
I wanna feel you in the room
Close my eyes, just one more time...
Seeking what's wrong but feels so right
Living in sin can't be my new thing...
Cold sweat grips my body, I've got a fever
Just don't stop... don't stop...
One, two, three.
Hot breath on my neck...
You're one nightmare I don't wanna wake up from...
Wednesday, January 6
Creeping Along.
It's too late to fight, you've already been dragged down into the fire
Where desire outweighs discipline
Where corruption flies along emotional suicide
You can't just get up and hide...
Keep creeping along, you keep drowning in the fire
Hands are shaking, feet are hesitant,
You know what you've gotta do,
You've gotta move along...
Don't you get it you're gonna die
Because you're gonna get caught in a desert fire you can't put out
You're creeping along, trying to find out how you belong
Trying to fill cracks in that destroyed fortress deep within your heart...
No one's gonna force you to change, baby, that's all you.
Baby it's all you.
Embrace reality, you're sinking faster than titanic's journey into the icy darkness
Let's go...
Here's your lifeline... stop creeping around...
Here's you salvation... no, it's not that cross 'round your neck...
It's here, within your heart. Feel my hand in yours.
Slowly tracing a path to your heart, we land...
Open your palm against your chest,
Come on stop creeping around...
I place my hand on top of yours
We feel the beat of your heart, and it's crying for open heart surgery
It's intensely damaged, you know what you've done...
You got caught creeping around.
I was willing to move on but your heart couldn't do it...
Baby you say I'm still your star, but I know that isn't the truth
I see you still creeping around
The monkey on your back, the dirty little night club lies...
Don't take me for a fool baby, I'm not a sweet little girl
I've got my own secrets, my own lies, my deceptions, and my walls...
It's human tendency.
Only with you did they start to fall, then when I saw you with her,
My heart cried out, not again...
You told me you were sorry, and to come to your side in your time of need
I gave you my best, and I was treated like trash...
You're fighting the line between faith and frivolity
You're fighting the line between conscious and coma
You made me so happy I could've died,
Now I'm looking at an empty bed, and a sunken head
Stop creeping around, admit it, admit what you are...
Stop creeping around, just let it out, you're not doing well...
I'm gonna walk away now,
You've hurt me one last time.
I'm out, gotta hit the club, dance floor fever is in full effect
Gotta dance, gotta cry, gotta find the next guy to break my heart,
Because I'm having a good time, now that you're gone.
You're a sinking ship with dangerous cargo...
Gotta stop creeping around you fool...
Where desire outweighs discipline
Where corruption flies along emotional suicide
You can't just get up and hide...
Keep creeping along, you keep drowning in the fire
Hands are shaking, feet are hesitant,
You know what you've gotta do,
You've gotta move along...
Don't you get it you're gonna die
Because you're gonna get caught in a desert fire you can't put out
You're creeping along, trying to find out how you belong
Trying to fill cracks in that destroyed fortress deep within your heart...
No one's gonna force you to change, baby, that's all you.
Baby it's all you.
Embrace reality, you're sinking faster than titanic's journey into the icy darkness
Let's go...
Here's your lifeline... stop creeping around...
Here's you salvation... no, it's not that cross 'round your neck...
It's here, within your heart. Feel my hand in yours.
Slowly tracing a path to your heart, we land...
Open your palm against your chest,
Come on stop creeping around...
I place my hand on top of yours
We feel the beat of your heart, and it's crying for open heart surgery
It's intensely damaged, you know what you've done...
You got caught creeping around.
I was willing to move on but your heart couldn't do it...
Baby you say I'm still your star, but I know that isn't the truth
I see you still creeping around
The monkey on your back, the dirty little night club lies...
Don't take me for a fool baby, I'm not a sweet little girl
I've got my own secrets, my own lies, my deceptions, and my walls...
It's human tendency.
Only with you did they start to fall, then when I saw you with her,
My heart cried out, not again...
You told me you were sorry, and to come to your side in your time of need
I gave you my best, and I was treated like trash...
You're fighting the line between faith and frivolity
You're fighting the line between conscious and coma
You made me so happy I could've died,
Now I'm looking at an empty bed, and a sunken head
Stop creeping around, admit it, admit what you are...
Stop creeping around, just let it out, you're not doing well...
I'm gonna walk away now,
You've hurt me one last time.
I'm out, gotta hit the club, dance floor fever is in full effect
Gotta dance, gotta cry, gotta find the next guy to break my heart,
Because I'm having a good time, now that you're gone.
You're a sinking ship with dangerous cargo...
Gotta stop creeping around you fool...
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