Lessons aren't necessarily big...

Lessons aren't necessarily these big grand slaps in the face. In fact some of the lessons that I'm learning lately are so subtle that they didn't exactly make themselves well known until after I'd learned them. I think that the biggest lesson that I'm learning right now is the lesson of negativity.

Here, in detail, I mean that negativity breeds negativity, much like positivity breeds positivity. Going to function was the wake-up call I needed in this department. I didn't realize that negativity somehow found itself interlaced in compromise. You see, negativity doesn't exactly need to be a welt-marking visible thing. It can be laced in that drink I just took, or that line you just took. That compromise of values in inherently going to cause bigger problems later on in life...

Here's my negativity. While on the surface this doesn't seem like it would have a deeply negative impact it really does have one. It's dependency. It's friends being dependent on my friendship in order for them to feel like they've been somehow fulfilled. While I'm grateful for everything that my friends do for me, and I'm grateful for everything they go through with me, and I'm grateful that I have friends who are to-the-bone loyal to me, I no longer feel that some of my friendships are healthy. They're definitely great friendships to have, but they're dangerous. Why dangerous? I have to admit this. I use to be extremely dependent on my close friends. Extremely. I saw that my life wasn't as full as it could be as soon as I stepped into the light. That light being Jesus Christ's infinite love. He was the one who filled those holes. He is the one that made me whole. Not the friendship on this earthly street. I'm consistently looking towards heaven for my affirmation. If I get the all-clear from my Lord, then I keep on going...

Anyways, I've definitely done a tangent. Back to the thought. Dependency in anything other than Christ is the wrong dependency. Leaning into friends who stimulate that dependency is healthy. Leaning into friends who are dependent isn't. It creates a very hard place for both people to be in. Both people can leave the conversation extremely hurt, devalued, and maybe even angry.

There's also something else that really gets to me that I didn't really pick up on until just recently. The loss of authentic gratitude has happened. I don't mean to give myself a little ego-trip or anything by what I'm about to say but I see the rest of the world and I see me and well, I beat 80% of the population hands-down. I'm an extremely generous person. I strive and live to make sure those around me know that I genuinely care about them. However, I'm picking up on a startling trend. People aren't grateful in return. If I get any sort of reciprocation for my actions it's usually not truly genuine. It's like people have fallen into a realm of entitlement. That my friends, isn't cute. In fact, it's down right irritating. No one is entitled to anything. We are all just sinners. We are all just people trying to live better in His eyes. I'm definitely guilty of the disease of entitlement, don't get me wrong, but I recognize this and I'm trying to alter my actions. I'm definitely extremely grateful for the breakfast that's paid for randomly, and that encouraging text message, and that hug when all I was expecting was a handshake. Yet, when I give, I don't feel that honest reciprocation. I don't mean to sound selfish and I know I do, but is a thank you from your heart so much to ask? At the end of the day I feel like I pour my heart out only to have that love evaporate and not get absorbed. I feel used...

Maybe I stop giving. Maybe I let the world around me see that I need to be taken care of sometimes as well. Maybe...

I probably wouldn't be that dramatic about it. Yet, I just wish that people really absorbed what I do for them. The selfless loyalty. The deep love. The eternal trust. I am authentic in all my actions, and I feel like I get plastic responses. I don't like that and I don't feel like I should take that anymore.

As I look back at this post, I think this is extremely unexpected from me. I think that this was repressed somewhere deep within me. I guess I forgot to take care of myself for a little while and it definitely built up. This is proof that taking some "me" time is essential. Now that I've done that, I can move forward, still selflessly giving my time, my skills, my dollar. It's who I am. It's who He wants me to be. I walk humbled away from the keyboard tonight.