Jason Upton's lyrics are blazing through my headphones right now... They go like this:
--
Not Ashamed
Jesus I long to be holy
Jesus I long to be real
In a world of broken people
So many need to be healed
Purify my hands to hold them
Purify my heart to burn with devotion
For You, Lord Jesus, for You
I’m not ashamed of Jesus
My Lord my Lover my Friend
The power to cleanse and redeem us
Is in the blood of the Lamb
Oh how the mighty have fallen
Buried in their filthy rags
Father please turn from your anger
My lips will boast of your ways
Cause, it’s all in the blood of the savior
It’s all in the love that you have for You’re son
And I believe, in Jesus, I believe
--
Over the last few days this song has hit me particularly hard. I haven't been affected by a song so deeply in forever. It's awesome to know that my emotional side is definitely coming back. I'm feeling again. Granted, some of the feelings I'm feeling are clearly unfortunate, I do believe that I'm feeling them because I need to come back to my Jesus. I've not been the best lately. Like, really. I've made the turn around, but yes, not the best. At this moment I feel so unworthy of God's love. At this moment, I feel like I don't deserve any of the gifts I've received. Yet, His grace is within me. To Him, I give my future. As long as it may last. I need to, I have to, I'm dying with out Him. Dying. I cling to Him. I should never have run.
Saturday, July 25
Thursday, July 16
A Taste of the Old Life
Today was a great day. Filled with childhood laughter and grownup tears. I work with the most bright young minds and today they reminded me, and helped me to learn something. Live with childlike faith.
What does that mean to me? Well, it means something plainly obvious yet deliriously overwhelming. I need to really learn how to laugh at the mistakes I make. I need to dwell on their consequences. I need a period of time in which to reflect. Most importantly though, I need to move on after I have learned the lesson. Not just say I've learned the lesson. But truly learn it. Much like a child learns that for every lego they don't pick up, that's one more minute of outside time they don't get. It's so startlingly simple that it frightens most adults into a stage much like the one I'm experiencing right now.
Rebellion.
That said, I do believe I'm done rebelling for quite some time now, leaning towards, well, forever. I've had my "fun" which turns out, isn't fun with some of the physical, and more deeply mental effects that they've had. Now it's time to focus on what really is a passionate thing and make it reality. It's time to grow up again. It's time to hit that next ball out of the park. It's time to really dig in and make those commitments to people and things that I've sworn I'd make so many times before. I just can't live without my purpose anymore and now I'm back. Re-doing my goal lists, my dream sheets, my trust circles. I'm re-doing it all. So that after this next part of my growth, I come back who I am supposed to be. A driven, successful, achieving woman of strength and integrity. I know I have it in me.
I deserve to have fun. But, I need to really get into focus. Into "the zone" if we're going to throw a cliche` in this late July night. I'm worth so much more than what I think I am. I have so many people who are influenced by me. So many people. I can't let them down. Not again. Not this time.
Childlike faith. I can see this through. Childlike faith. Because I believe in You. Childlike faith. I can achieve all things!
What does that mean to me? Well, it means something plainly obvious yet deliriously overwhelming. I need to really learn how to laugh at the mistakes I make. I need to dwell on their consequences. I need a period of time in which to reflect. Most importantly though, I need to move on after I have learned the lesson. Not just say I've learned the lesson. But truly learn it. Much like a child learns that for every lego they don't pick up, that's one more minute of outside time they don't get. It's so startlingly simple that it frightens most adults into a stage much like the one I'm experiencing right now.
Rebellion.
That said, I do believe I'm done rebelling for quite some time now, leaning towards, well, forever. I've had my "fun" which turns out, isn't fun with some of the physical, and more deeply mental effects that they've had. Now it's time to focus on what really is a passionate thing and make it reality. It's time to grow up again. It's time to hit that next ball out of the park. It's time to really dig in and make those commitments to people and things that I've sworn I'd make so many times before. I just can't live without my purpose anymore and now I'm back. Re-doing my goal lists, my dream sheets, my trust circles. I'm re-doing it all. So that after this next part of my growth, I come back who I am supposed to be. A driven, successful, achieving woman of strength and integrity. I know I have it in me.
I deserve to have fun. But, I need to really get into focus. Into "the zone" if we're going to throw a cliche` in this late July night. I'm worth so much more than what I think I am. I have so many people who are influenced by me. So many people. I can't let them down. Not again. Not this time.
Childlike faith. I can see this through. Childlike faith. Because I believe in You. Childlike faith. I can achieve all things!
Tuesday, July 14
Fighting the Downward Spiral
So, lately, I've been doing things the wrong way. Totally and completely. My moral compass isn't even in my pocket, or on my person anymore. I left it back where I left my integrity. I feel like I've lost a battle I didn't even know I was in. It's definitely an interesting place. Now that I'm aware, I've taken measures to ensure that I get back on the right track. Some of these little points are hard to take and will be extremely frustrating at times, but I do believe that there is a reason for the backslide. I make no excuses for my actions, I knowingly have screwed up. Knowingly. I accept that into the deepest parts of my heart. I acknowledge it. I have gone before the altar to ask that He come back into this heart which so desperately craves for Him. I was using things to fill that void. Senseless, obscene, blatantly stupid things. I somehow thought that it could be better... I was wrong.
I'm now actively fighting the downward spiral, pressing onwards, forwards, and marching through whatever challenge comes my way. Like a bloodied soldier, gravely injured on the front line of war, I'm weary, beaten, defeated. Yet, I won't give up pressing on in the face of challenge. I must walk across enemy lines and take back that which they have stolen from me, or that which I gave up thinking it wasn't valuable.
My integrity, while at a low point, is still extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.
My moral obligation to maintain high standards is extremely valuable. I need to go that back.
My ability to control how much alcohol I consume is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.
My ability to see that I am worth so much more than I let myself think I am is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.
That's what I gave the enemy. What I believe they stole from me was my focus, my passions, my drive, and my emotion. Which, meant I was not only willing to let the other side take advantage of my weakened position that I damned near signed the legislation allowing it.
I just wish... that I didn't fall victim to the downward spiral. I had no idea how hard it would be to rise above it a second time. It's proving to be very hard. Yet, somehow I know, deep within me, that I'll rise to the occasion and let Him have control again. I got caught up in the lifestyle. The boys, the drinks, the clubs, the nightlife, the late nights. I love them. I'll never stop. For right now though, I may have to so that I may find my center, my course, my life again. I knew where I was going, I had fun on my derailment, now it's time to get back on the train called success.
It's time.
I'm now actively fighting the downward spiral, pressing onwards, forwards, and marching through whatever challenge comes my way. Like a bloodied soldier, gravely injured on the front line of war, I'm weary, beaten, defeated. Yet, I won't give up pressing on in the face of challenge. I must walk across enemy lines and take back that which they have stolen from me, or that which I gave up thinking it wasn't valuable.
My integrity, while at a low point, is still extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.
My moral obligation to maintain high standards is extremely valuable. I need to go that back.
My ability to control how much alcohol I consume is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.
My ability to see that I am worth so much more than I let myself think I am is extremely valuable. I need to go get that back.
That's what I gave the enemy. What I believe they stole from me was my focus, my passions, my drive, and my emotion. Which, meant I was not only willing to let the other side take advantage of my weakened position that I damned near signed the legislation allowing it.
I just wish... that I didn't fall victim to the downward spiral. I had no idea how hard it would be to rise above it a second time. It's proving to be very hard. Yet, somehow I know, deep within me, that I'll rise to the occasion and let Him have control again. I got caught up in the lifestyle. The boys, the drinks, the clubs, the nightlife, the late nights. I love them. I'll never stop. For right now though, I may have to so that I may find my center, my course, my life again. I knew where I was going, I had fun on my derailment, now it's time to get back on the train called success.
It's time.
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