So, I just got back into my daily routine after the most insane five days of my life. I got told things I knew, got told things I thought I knew, told other people things they knew, told other people things they thought they knew, and most importantly let go of the biggest thing I needed to let go of...
I'm not willing to discuss it, but it has been the most free weeks of my life after the 16th of March happened. There's still a lot that has to happen, but a majority of the weight of this situation has left the core of my being and actually gone to God. I've never been able to do this, but I did this and this letting go was amazing...
I think it's fair that I fight only for what's worth fighting for at this point. And what's worth fighting for? Something that's fighting for me. This, this just wasn't doing it anymore...
Thursday, March 19
Monday, March 9
[[control]] freak
I'm a secret control freak. But not in the traditional way you'd think. In three days here, I am giving full control of my life to a different group of people. I'm going to Dallas, Texas. I am going to have a great time, that's for certain. I'm going to meet an amazing set of new friends, that's a given. Yet, here's where I freak out. I won't have my car, or my mom, or my dad, or my brother, anywhere remotely near me for five days. I'm giving my life to Andrew, his mom, and his dad, plus a really neat guy named Jay. By that, I mean that I'm letting myself be guided by some outside force. You know, an earthly tour guide. I am scared to not have control of my movement for the forty minutes or so that we're traveling to the airport, the forty minutes or so traveling away from the airport and that's twice I'll have to do that. Twice. I am not concerned about my life. I know Andrew would do any and everything to protect me. I know his parents love me and would probably do the same. I just have these weird little things that really, and I mean really, test my abilities and focus on Him. This is a God test. I have no doubt in my mind that He will work on me something fierce, making me squirm in my seat, as someone else is driving me...
The root of it is, and it goes back to me pre-salvation days, I am scared of letting someone take me somewhere. It's stupid, but it's truth. I had it burn me in the past and I know that salvation has taken my initial fears away but it still tears at my core. I wanted to cancel this morning it got so bad. I won't. I can't. I need to go. Something in Dallas is calling my soul. This is why I believe that this might be a Satan thing. God's let Satan come into my situation to help me learn and grow. I have no problem with that. I just have a problem with the physical side effects that it has. I get irritable, quiet, my stomach starts to twist and turn, and I throw up. A lot. It's not pleasant, but that's what happens as I'm learning a valuable lesson for my arsenal. So out of all of the five days, I won't be under my own control for at the most six hours total. That's planning for traffic and delays...
Leading into the next thing I absolutely can't do... Sit anywhere but an aisle or at the very most three seats in. It's extremely claustrophobic for me. Extremely. Being with people I know sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse. I know God's going to working on me on this one too. Not looking forward to it. It goes back to the escape mechanism built within me. I feel like by being in the middle of a row, that I can't escape. I hate it. I think that's the one thing I hate. Seeing everyone else being completely engrossed in whatever's happening but me, worrying about all the "if's." It's frustrating, and I have tried, in earnest, to get rid of it, but I can't shake this one...
There... I've been way too transparent for my own good. But that's what it is. Which is entirely why I am so SO stupid.
The root of it is, and it goes back to me pre-salvation days, I am scared of letting someone take me somewhere. It's stupid, but it's truth. I had it burn me in the past and I know that salvation has taken my initial fears away but it still tears at my core. I wanted to cancel this morning it got so bad. I won't. I can't. I need to go. Something in Dallas is calling my soul. This is why I believe that this might be a Satan thing. God's let Satan come into my situation to help me learn and grow. I have no problem with that. I just have a problem with the physical side effects that it has. I get irritable, quiet, my stomach starts to twist and turn, and I throw up. A lot. It's not pleasant, but that's what happens as I'm learning a valuable lesson for my arsenal. So out of all of the five days, I won't be under my own control for at the most six hours total. That's planning for traffic and delays...
Leading into the next thing I absolutely can't do... Sit anywhere but an aisle or at the very most three seats in. It's extremely claustrophobic for me. Extremely. Being with people I know sometimes helps, sometimes makes it worse. I know God's going to working on me on this one too. Not looking forward to it. It goes back to the escape mechanism built within me. I feel like by being in the middle of a row, that I can't escape. I hate it. I think that's the one thing I hate. Seeing everyone else being completely engrossed in whatever's happening but me, worrying about all the "if's." It's frustrating, and I have tried, in earnest, to get rid of it, but I can't shake this one...
There... I've been way too transparent for my own good. But that's what it is. Which is entirely why I am so SO stupid.
Sunday, March 8
Learning to say goodbye isn't ever easy.
I know this is a very much superficial way to start a blog, but this is the reality. I just gave my hair a very good blow-out and it looks really great right now. Anyways...
I've been thinking quite intensely for the last few days about pretty simple things. Yet as I convey them onto a piece of paper, those complex thoughts lose their luster and the paper flies into the trashcan faster than it flew out of my head onto the paper. I'm just tired of the gift I know I have not making the grade it used to. Yet, I know why...
I'm not using it. I'm not practicing it like I used to. I'm not being as grateful as I used to be. I am just sad at myself for that. I should be using and praising this gift constantly, and I honestly haven't used it for a good month. I feel like this is a foreign country right now. Like I'm wandering the streets praying I see a landmark to cling on to. It shouldn't be like this. It should be like the town I grew up in. You know, so familiar you know when the lady with the pretty flower boxes plants a different kind of flower, or when you can tell that the old gas station got a new set of letters for it's neon sign outside. For me, I want it to be so familiar again it's like the markings along side the main road that I can still see where I've sat for so many parades.
Additionally, I've lost a bit of emotion/connection to certain things lately. On the surface you'd think that'd be a catastrophic ordeal, but in this case, it's been liberating and freeing. I love being an emotional person, but the depth and level that I was invested into a few things was unhealthy. I'll admit to this too, I was purposefully wrapped up in them in hopes that I would avoid some serious heartache that's been happening lately. No, not breakups or makeups, or silly dramas like that. This is real, raw, passionate heartbreak that exceeds all my other heartbreaks to date. This is the heartbreak surrounding my grandfather, whom I've affectionately called Papa since the day of my birth. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and I know that he is on his way to the Lords doorstep. Yet, it doesn't make the earthly pain any easier. I wish it did so badly. Yet it doesn't. It doesn't even come close. I rest in His understanding. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Granted we don't see it in the first breaks of the tragedy, but when the dust settles and dawns light appears, things begin to make sense.
I'm going to go stand outside in the 27 degree weather and remember to feel. Remember to feel like I used to. I want that emotional edge back. I want to tell how people are doing by the inflection they talk with. I want it back, especially on the paper. I am ready to have it back God, are you listening?
I've been thinking quite intensely for the last few days about pretty simple things. Yet as I convey them onto a piece of paper, those complex thoughts lose their luster and the paper flies into the trashcan faster than it flew out of my head onto the paper. I'm just tired of the gift I know I have not making the grade it used to. Yet, I know why...
I'm not using it. I'm not practicing it like I used to. I'm not being as grateful as I used to be. I am just sad at myself for that. I should be using and praising this gift constantly, and I honestly haven't used it for a good month. I feel like this is a foreign country right now. Like I'm wandering the streets praying I see a landmark to cling on to. It shouldn't be like this. It should be like the town I grew up in. You know, so familiar you know when the lady with the pretty flower boxes plants a different kind of flower, or when you can tell that the old gas station got a new set of letters for it's neon sign outside. For me, I want it to be so familiar again it's like the markings along side the main road that I can still see where I've sat for so many parades.
Additionally, I've lost a bit of emotion/connection to certain things lately. On the surface you'd think that'd be a catastrophic ordeal, but in this case, it's been liberating and freeing. I love being an emotional person, but the depth and level that I was invested into a few things was unhealthy. I'll admit to this too, I was purposefully wrapped up in them in hopes that I would avoid some serious heartache that's been happening lately. No, not breakups or makeups, or silly dramas like that. This is real, raw, passionate heartbreak that exceeds all my other heartbreaks to date. This is the heartbreak surrounding my grandfather, whom I've affectionately called Papa since the day of my birth. He is in the final stages of pancreatic cancer and I know that he is on his way to the Lords doorstep. Yet, it doesn't make the earthly pain any easier. I wish it did so badly. Yet it doesn't. It doesn't even come close. I rest in His understanding. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. Granted we don't see it in the first breaks of the tragedy, but when the dust settles and dawns light appears, things begin to make sense.
I'm going to go stand outside in the 27 degree weather and remember to feel. Remember to feel like I used to. I want that emotional edge back. I want to tell how people are doing by the inflection they talk with. I want it back, especially on the paper. I am ready to have it back God, are you listening?
Tuesday, March 3
Proceed With Caution
I got that letter from God today. Except it came in the form of a passionate response to my Savior tonight. I need to relax and enjoy the journey. I'm getting way too caught up in little things, paranoia-like moments. I need to proceed with caution, because I'm about five seconds from hurting myself emotionally. I don't want that. God doesn't want that. My Jesus doesn't want that. I just need to do exactly that. Proceed with caution.
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