You're My Excuse

You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do.
You're my excuse for the all sin that I pursue.
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing you.

Boy I caught you in the club
Like a disease spreading worldwide
The way you caressed my cheek
Liquid courage aside
I felt the fire deep within me heart
I danced up on you,
With nothing to hide...

You're my favorite damn excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the reckless sin I pursue
I know you're bad for me, but I can't stop chasing...

You spin my head right round as my morals
Fall straight to the ground,
Yes my pastor told me to take the high road
But my heart tells me to be bold.
You took my hand and led me past the velvet ropes
Took me for drives to see the city scopes
Baby can't you see you're driving me crazy
I just wanted you for one night, now...

You're my favorite excuse, for all the wrong that I do
You're my excuse for all the sin that I pursue
I know you're bad, so damn bad, but I can't stop chasing you

Listen Up.

Over the last few months, I've really been stuck. Hesitant. Almost guilty...

I keep going back to it, but the writing isn't happening. I can sit on blank page now and truly not be able to put anything down on it. I'm sad about it because now I'm beginning to figure out why.

I'm absolutely and completely torn away from my faith right now in a lot of ways. Carelessly I've let the ties that bind me to my true happiness and true faithfulness fall apart like crumbled sidewalk after a flash flood. I see a lot of the old habits that destroyed me creeping back into my life. Not brashly, not abrasively mind you. They're coming back intricately, seemingly invisible for the most part. The thing is, I don't see it until after it's effectively placed itself into my hands and my realm of influence and my life.

I do know after my conversation with a brilliant mind, on what could only be defined as a perfect date, I am filled with a lot of hope, a lot of joy, and a lot of work. He broke me out of the cage I was building around myself. Well, with God as the Commander of course. The talk brought out a few very specific needs that I have.

I need to go back to church. I need to limit how much, or specifically, where I go out and who I go out with. I need to trust my initial heart about things more. I need to run from what compromises my heart and my goal in this life. I need to put God back into my life. Not just as a section of my beliefs, but as the encompassing being that I direct my life to and through.

I have met some extraordinary people within the last month. Extraordinary. Yet, they're not extraordinary how I need them to be. They have that pretty smile, but they have an empty heart. They call me back, yet have nothing to teach me. I need the people around me to feed me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to embrace my faults. Not run when they find out something about me that doesn't vibe with them.

I've also been evaluating the core group of friends I have. Some are clearly good. Some are clearly not. Some I've had trouble deciphering up until tonights amazing conversation...

I need to feel the deluge of God reigning all around me again. That's really what I need. It will help clear up my doubts, answer my questions and let me move forward back into the path that I'm supposed to be on.

Listen up God, your daughter's crying. Can you hear her? She wants You back in her heart. Help her? Listen up. She's bleeding faith upon Your altar ready for her course to alter. Listen up.

I wanna touch you...

Here's some of my new cheesy pop lyrics that I'm talking about...

Touch Touch Touch

Heat of the night
Ladies looking fly
Heat of the night
Boys looking right...

Bar is hopping tonight,
See you in the corner and already I know
What you want...

You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name

So you have pretty green eyes,
What can you do for me
Other than buy me a drink

You want to touch touch touch
What you can't reach reach reach
In the moment it'll be okay,
But I'll wake up and have forgotten your name.

I grab your hand lead you off the floor
Playing the part so well
I start dancing around you get but get so tipsy I fall
Into your damn spell...

You want to touch touch (touch)
What you can't reach reach (reach)
In the moment I'll be okay,
But in the morning damnit I'll have forgotten your name.


It's rough, but it's a start. I've five more tracks to lay down. This is the most writing I've done in a while.

Back in the Studio

After a long hiatus on the writing scene, I'm back. I'm working with a few pop artists coining lyrics to go with club ready beats. It's been fun and it's also definitely a challenge because my mind wants to go deeper than "Lookin' at you, lookin' at me, Too good to be true, how can this be?" My mind is too complex and too deeply ingrained to strive for the best I can be. Writing lyrics about a club night isn't hard. Writing lyrics about how one lost the one she loves to the war or how one is struggling to find herself... those are hard, those take thought. Don't get me wrong, writing these "superficial" lyrics hasn't been easy in itself either. Mostly because it's been a quite some time since I have written at all. I've been looking at the numbers both within and externally of this space and I have found that my writing has pretty much plateau'd at, well, zero perhaps one entry a week. There's tid bits here and there, but one solid piece of writing per week. I'm gonna try getting that back into order. Stretch my mind. Get back on track. I have to. My inner writer's crying to be writing again.

Hijacked.

In a way I feel like the me that I have been for the past year has been hijacked. Now, before you get all up in arms about it like I wanted to, you have to know this...

I was dying to be hijacked. I was dying to be intercepted. I was dying for a change in course.

This hijacking wasn't like a normal hijacking. It was quiet, well thought out, sneaky, and bold all in the same breath. A normal hijacking is loud, quick, and intricate. I woke up on Tuesday morning and realized that I had in fact been totally taken over.

Who are the hijackers? It's these beautifully constructed bottles. Some with real artistic quality. However, I'm looking at the beautiful liquids on the inside of these bottles. The life that they have given me is the one that I was deeply missing. The spontaneous, crazy, and down right exciting life. That said with everything must come balance. I haven't been balancing it lately. I've been hopping from one party to the next. One club run to the next. On bar scene to the next. I'm becoming the girl who finally feels comfortable in her own skin. No, it's not the alcohol that does it. Yes, it is the shot of tequila I have coming through the door that does.

Now, before you all call me alcoholic and stupid. Get it straight. I'm not. No, that's not denial that's straight up truth. Yes, sometimes I stumble out on the street so incoherent that I can't even talk. The fact of the matter is. I am not waking up regretting my decisions. I'm not waking up doubting my character. I'm not waking up concerned about who to be and what role in the world to play. Finally I'm allowed to be myself. I haven't been able to do that for years. You know, be me. Finding that balance between who I am and who I want to be. It's extremely nice. So what if I do come out of a club so drunk I can barely walk? I don't believe it's compromising my integrity, my life goals, or my ability to be the change I wish to see in this world. I don't believe it compromises my relationship with Christ. I believe in fact it has strengthened the loosed bonds I've been suffering with lately. How? Because I see people who truly don't have purpose walk from bar to bar, just begging for someone to give them a reason to live. I have my reasons to live. I have my reasons to breathe. I'd just forgotten that.

Will I stop partying? Doubtful. Will club runs become less frequent? Not likely. Will bar nights happen less? No. Why? Because they are my chance to let myself be myself in an environment where other people are looking to be themselves and looking for people who will accept them for the person who they are. Which is what we all really want isn't it? Isn't it?

I am so thankful I've been hijacked.