it's raining all around me, yet i feel drier than the sahara

guess there is a time in everyone's spirituality when they drop everything and question it. I have done just that. He is everywhere, yet, I ca not even begin to collect on His love. It is like this wall has all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere. It has affected me deeply. I do not like who I am becoming all over again. It is that same girl I ran so hard from when I became saved. When I had the fire. When I could feel the raindrops of His love on my skin. I miss Jesus. I miss God. I miss the seeker I used to be.

I went to church this morning for the first time in a month. I had to leave halfway through the service, which in retrospect could have been Satan's play on my weakness. I practically ran from the church, and that is certainly not me. I cling to my faith recklessly. I left the service because I felt so empty. I felt like I did not deserve to hold court with my church family. As untrue as this is, I felt that God did not want me to be there.

I miss Jesus. I miss God. Yet He is everywhere I turn. I need to be awakened. I am finally desperate like I should be, but now I need to be awakened.

Satan is a powerful adversary and I never thought that I'd lose at any point in time, yet, I feel as though I just have.

It's a weird predicament that I'm in right now. What terrifies me is that I have to make some important decisions with Joeseph soon. I'm not healthy right now and it's not fair to him to have to deal with it. Yet, he's fighting his own battles and I refuse to leave him. The complexity of the situation and the layers that are involved are enough to keep me from sleeping, much like tonight. I get reckless, I get sad, I get moved, I get on my knees and beg.

I just want to be whole again. I just want to be whole.

I wanna not feel dry anymore. I want His waters to deeply saturate my skin and flood my veins. I do not want to cling to this cup of tea thinking that it could be my last as a believer. I do not want Satan games to ruin what God has done in me.

Sadly, I think I know what I need to do in aspects of being with Joeseph. We have travelled the road many times before. Yet maybe this time, the path has finally been cleared. Cleared so that I may be able to remember, recall, and recount. I need to remember what He has done and that He has sacrificed His Son in my debt. I need to recall that I am the warrior He is chosen me to be. I need to recount the continual blessings He has in my life.

I miss Jesus. I miss God.

Quiet time.

I need quiet time. For multiple days. Away from everyone and everything I know. Just me. Quiet time. With God. With Jesus. I need escape from this earthly place. Just for a little while. Hey God, can you hear me? Can you lead me? I need to be led. Hey Jesus, I love You.

Is Desperation really calling me?
Is Desperation where I find myself?

Show me Your way God. My eyes are open. I want to ENCOUNTER you like never before.

Square Off (Strong Waters Pull Me In)

The swells of the waves beckon me,
The depths of the seas call me, so cavernous
The fires deep in the forest burn my skin,
I can't help it, I can't help you, I'm giving in...

I think you're making me love,
Though I'm not sure what, what to love.
Tell me again, whisper it, right down to my core
Tell me you'll come and save me, always
As we're leaving, I feel danger all around.
I'm about to square off, square off with the biggest sin in town
I'm about to square off with reckless abandon
But I can't help but thinking,
I maybe lost in this battle until the end.

The cup in your hand, full of liquid quick sand
The enchanted glass in your hand, it's calling the best of me
To bring out the worst in me
Take a dive, unwrap the sin, deconstruct values, fuck morality
Slowly, patiently, the strong waters take me in...

Hey you, yes, the one, dressed in the perfect hue
You call me with your words, simple yet defined.
You've got me hanging onto your every move,
Let's take shots, the room spins...
You take my hand, lead me to a secluded opportunity

I'm looking straight ahead into what could become reality
Quickly, feverishly, the rapid inferno grapples within
With one kiss the world stops
With one kiss, the innoncence ends
We've blackened our hearts, and forgotten ourselves

I'm squaring off, with my own worst enemy
I'm past the threshold,
This time I don't look back...

Up against the cold concrete
Firewater dripping through our veins
I've never felt so real, never felt so alive
That is, until I realize, I've stepped out of the Light

I squared off with the criminal,
He got the worst of me to destroy the best of me.
I was led by the adversary's deceptive hand...

I sober up, you sober down,
You drive me home, a single sentence beckons to be said
Mutually, you and I agree
Let's square off, let's do it again.